[goodgirl62]

I have tried to help my son since he was in 9th grade. My son is a handsome 6'4" clean cut smart good looking kid but he has so many issues. I have been taking the heat for his poor choices forever. He is almost 20 and just got out of rehab for multiple MIP's for alcohol. He sleeps till like 2pm every day. He has no motovation and if I try to get him to get motovated he just starts yelling at me. He gets up just in time to blow and then it's right back to bed. I have tried to get him to go to bed at the same time and wake at the same time but he likes to sleep all day and stay up all night. He yells at me if I ask him to help around the house. It's just so stressful. I want to kick him out but he has no place to go as we have no extended family in our state. I love him so much and I see so much potential. How can I help him?

[firstmate]

The best answer isn't always the easiest. If you get a chance, talk to him about what he would do if (heaven forbid) you died and he had to take care of himself.

He is an adult and needs to take the responsibility for his own actions and providing for himself. If he really can't do that there are state agencies he needs to hook up with. I'm not saying that would be pleasant or easy, but do you really want to have him in your house the rest of your life? IMP that's not good for parent or child.

Being a parent isn't easy.

[radio_flyer]

Gosh your son sounds a lot like mine.......I wish I had some answers for you.... Maybe tough love could be an option... Or maybe suggest therapy so he can sort out his issues........

I do understand what you are going through.. I wish I had some good suggestions. My son just started to look for a job, but I know you don't want to wait l0 years for your son to pull himself together.......

I am sure you will get some great advice from the folks here at PC... I just wanted to respond because I understand what you are going through. Not that my "understanding" is all that helpful....Sometimes knowing others that are going through the same thing, sometimes helps....

It is your house. You get to set the rules. If there are no consequences for inappropriate behavior, you are enabling him. I know you love him. What you are trying now is not working. You have a choice to make. Either there must be consequences, or it is likely nothing will change.

Good luck.

[Tamale]

When I read this, I thought of my younger brother...he is also about 6'4" 130 lbs...a football player. He goes to junior college at least, but comes home every weekend or holiday and sleeps at my parents house until 1 or 2 in the afternoon. He seems very depressed most of the time, makes comments about dying, death. He has had an un-ordinary number of his friends die in car wrecks or diseases. He is very mean to my parents, like you described, he yells at them and causes fights if they ask him to help at all. He is impossible!
My parents don't know what to do because it seems like any consequences they give him only make it worse, and are afraid he is in a delicate position. He is talking about quitting school and moving in with them. They don't want to kick him out, because they are afraid he may harm himself or get more into alcohol or drugs...."sigh"
goodgirl62, I just wanted you to know that I understand how difficult this situation is, even though I am the sister and not the mom like you. Love, love, love and acceptance of your son is important. It's so hard to get young men to open up and talk to you about what's troubling them. But I think Byzantine is right about setting rules...too.
Please keep us posted.

[aimeesh]

well first of all the biggest mistake you made was trying to control him in oder to "fix" him. you keep him in check=better son. thats why he's getting angry, he knwos you dont like who he is and it hurts him and he knows you keep trying to make him who you want him to be.

this is just what i THINK because im a 21 year old girl who lives with amother who literally hates me, and i literally hate her. luckily my father and i get along so i havent been kicked out. but she does the same ******* thing and i can see your good intentions, but it might make your relationship with your son worse. Instead of trying to control him to do the right thing, why dont you try talking to him like a real person, not a little kid you once knew him as. because the second you treat him like a little kid he'll sense it and become defensive, offended, and angry at you.

yeah it sucks to have a kid with problems but you brought him into the world so dont kick him out because he's hurting. you will regret it the rest of your life because it will ruin any possibility of a real relationship with your son.

if you love your son talk to him like a peer, it might break the ice better than forcing him to abide by a bedtime schedule.....

[aimeesh]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

It is your house. You get to set the rules. If there are no consequences for inappropriate behavior, you are enabling him. I know you love him. What you are trying now is not working. You have a choice to make. Either there must be consequences, or it is likely nothing will change.

Good luck.

also dont be harsh on the consequences. for all you know your son may be depressed and suicidal. not to scare you but it's a very serious matter to consider. there are days where after my mom gets mad at me i seriously could just shoot myself in the head if i had a gun available.

I hate knowing that my own mother doesnt like who i am and it only makes me hate her and think about all the things over the years that she didnt like about me, and thats what i focus on.
do you want your son to remember you only as the mother who thought he wasnt a better son? wasnt the son you expected to have?

he might act like he doesnt give a **** about what you think of himk buti swear to you he does. a lot.

[bebop]

I went thru that with my son. at 18 I kicked him out..finally...it was the hardest thing I have ever done. now he is 32 and tells me thank you mom. he is doing well now thank goodness!

[aimeesh]

Originally Posted by firstmate

He is an adult and needs to take the responsibility for his own actions and providing for himself.

This is another HUGE misconception that older people have these days.

he is 19 years old. he is no longer an adult who should be able to provide for himself and be doing better and more successful. this is ********. YES, he definitely should be trying to find a job and trying to further himself, but it doesnt always work out and especially not these days.

kids aged 18-25 have less than a 50% chance of finding a job at all.... more than half are unemployed. i've been looking for a job for 5 months, EVERYDAY.... and i still havent found anything because unfortunately there are just not enough jobs out there to give to the people looking.... which... who knows how many people apply per job....

we live in a new time where 3-generation homes are becoming the norm because most KIDS 18-25 have no possibility of being able to support themselves. I'm 21, im trying everyday to get a job, going to school, i come from a pretty well-off home (like right smack dab in middle class) and my sister did well, works for a bank and can afford her own place..... and because i got out of high school in a crappier economy it looks like i dont try as hard when i try really darn hard!!! I hate living here and my mom trying to "motivate me" to try harder when im already wanting to die because my efforts aren't getting me anywhere..... it makes me feel like a HUGE BURDEN. i have a feeling thats how this kid feels. Like a BURDEN.... i assume this because you described him as a BURDEN

[aimeesh]

this kid needs therapy, btw.... because im sure the last person he wants to talk about his problems to is you. ONLY because youre his mom and thats howit is with every kid i know. therapy. maybe even group therapy..... like someone else said, knowing someone else is going through the same pain and problems.... helps.
knwoing someone wants to kick you out of the house because of your pain and problems only makes them worse because unfortunately most people can't just snap out of depression

[aimeesh]

Originally Posted by bebop

I went thru that with my son. at 18 I kicked him out..finally...it was the hardest thing I have ever done. now he is 32 and tells me thank you mom. he is doing well now thank goodness!

so you kicked him out... 14 years ago.... when it was a great economy and you could get a job no problem.

if you kicked him out today he would be homeless and probably dead within a year

[Tamale]

Obviously, aimeesh is upset about her own situation and rightfully so! I think this may give you an idea of what might be going on with your own son...the type of emotions that are preventing him from communicating with you. Since you don't seem to really know exactly what's going on with him, I would say to use as much love and care as possible and yes--talk to him like an adult, even if he's not acting like one right now.
You son is young and there is hope, but I think young people today live in a difficult, complicated world--maybe more complicated than their parent's world.
Tell him with love that you want him around, but he is going to have to do something to help the situation--go to therapy, help some with chores.
Maybe you could ask him to do something fun with you? Take him out to eat or something? Break up the monotony of fight-yell-fight-yell. Just a thought...not sure if you have already tried this.

[goodgirl62]

Originally Posted by aimeesh

so you kicked him out... 14 years ago.... when it was a great economy and you could get a job no problem.

if you kicked him out today he would be homeless and probably dead within a year

The economy might be bad but the government has money to help get kids training. I haven't seen this since the early 80's. I think there is a big problem with kids NOT listening to their parents. Our kids don't have morals or values today. I see it in a lot of kids. Many of them don't want to even look for a job, including my son. The jobs that are hard to find are the jobs people need to pay a 1000.00 mortgage. So I know he can't make it on his own but I just want to see him try to act like an adult and do something positive with his life. Life goes by really fast and it goes by faster after 20. Kids should take advantage of the opportunity to get ahead while living at home. And I can also tell you that I have put up with far more than most parents would have, especially my parents. So since the tough love doesn't seem to be working I might just give him a time limit to get a job. I know if he gets a job he will at least have a reason to get up everyday. Life can be good but sometimes we have to work for it.

[Tamale]

Originally Posted by goodgirl62

Our kids don't have morals or values today. I see it in a lot of kids.

I know you aren't talking about "everyone" but these kinds of blanket statements are really hurtful to those young people who are working hard and do have morals. A lot of young people have morals. Don't judge us all by what you see on the Jersey Shore TV show on MTV.
Also, think about the environment we grew up in. My mom's parents were the only ones in her whole town who were divorced. Now, 52% of marriages end in divorce. I'm NOT saying that my parent's generation had it easy, but times have changed. Look at what's on Tv, in the media...some people are affected by the turmoil they see. Some aren't. Just saying...
Your attitude may be brought on by warranted and appropriate frustration, but I doubt that it is going to help you get through to your son.

Originally Posted by goodgirl62

Many of them don't want to even look for a job, including my son.

Maybe your son doesn't want to look for a job. Maybe he's the kind of lazy, pathetic young person that I personally despise b/c they make my generation look bad. But it sounds like you don't really care what's going on inside of him as long as the outside of him is getting up and going to work. I hope I'm wrong and that your frustrated tone in your posts is just a product of the lack of body language and voice tone we get from reading words on the internet.

Originally Posted by goodgirl62

The jobs that are hard to find are the jobs people need to pay a 1000.00 mortgage.

This statement is infuriating to me. You obviously haven't been watching the news or talking to the people around you for the last few months. Sure, your son can probably get a job at Taco Bell or whatever you have wherever you live. And theres' nothing wrong with that except he might not be as motivated to do so. I personally thought your idea about the government funded education programs sounded better.
Many jobs are hard to find. I don't know where you are, maybe you live in a town that doesn't have any problems. But in my city, people are having trouble finding jobs as waiters and waitresses because restaurants have been shutting down left and right. A college-student friend of mine with an excellent resume was recently turned down for a part-time, 10 dollar an hour job at a museum because a 32 year old man with 3 kids and 8 years of public relations experience got the job instead. I hope that man doesn't have a 1,000 mortgage, cause he sure won't be able to pay it on 10 dollar/hr part-time salary.
Everyone I just graduated with is having an impossible time finding a job in our field, which is a 25,000-30,000 a year starting salary. You can't do a 1,000 a month mortgage on that salary alone unless you live without health insurance or a car/gas/car insurance. And finding a job without a car is basically impossible, just ask anyone who's ever been in that situation.

Originally Posted by goodgirl62

Kids should take advantage of the opportunity to get ahead while living at home. And I can also tell you that I have put up with far more than most parents would have, especially my parents.

You're right. You're kind and apparently have enough money to support your son at home, and he's lucky to be able to take advantage of that. Maybe you have put up with a lot. But it sounds like maybe you've put up with too much, and now things are moving backwards.

Originally Posted by goodgirl62

So since the tough love doesn't seem to be working I might just give him a time limit to get a job. I know if he gets a job he will at least have a reason to get up everyday. Life can be good but sometimes we have to work for it.

Apparently you think that getting a job is reason enough to "get up everyday". Maybe to get up physically, but not necessarily psychologically. Is your own life worth living simply because you have to work everyday?
Now that I've read this whole post, I see that you just want to feel like your son is being responsible by seeing him get a job. It seems like you don't really care anymore about his emotional well-being. Maybe he just needs a kick in the pants because he's a lazy jerk, but it's hard to tell what's really going on with him from your posts.
If I could talk to your son, I would tell him to get the heck out of your house and move on his own where he could maybe get some assistance from the government and deal with his problems in a more emotionally supportive environment. People need more than just food and shelter to be happy. You sound like you really need some emotional support of your own and some space away from your son. Hope it all works out for your son and that you can find some peace of your own, hopefully away from him.
sorry for the novel. I think I may actually write a novel on this.

[aimeesh]

"Sure, your son can probably get a job at Taco Bell or whatever"

it's worse than the media says. I've applied for every available position at every fast food place within reasonable distance from my mom's home. None are hiring, they tell me they are getting several applications a day, so even if a job opens up there's like a .02 chance of me being picked.

now that's motivation!
I'm also applying like everywhere else but like the fast food places, they're "fully staffed" and wont be hiring anytime soon, can't even tell me when they might be so i know when to re-try.

I had lost ALL motivation, emotionally.... i was still trying but without hope, no interviews for months. FINALLY, yesterday I had an interview at a place I actually like and I'm really excited and hopeful, but I don't know how many other competitors I have for this actual position, which I'm sure pays no more than 9.00/hour max. It's a retail store.

Originial Poster- I'm sorry I was mean earlier, I was already having a bad morning, and I'm so so sorry I took it out on you, as if my anger towards my mother was pushed onto you. I really do apologize. You really did NOT deserve it, I should have worded things better.

He sounds a lot like my brother, who has a lot of depression issues that either get expressed as anger or are just bottled up inside. I'm having a hard time growing up too, but I'd like to think I don't lash out at people as much as he ones even though he says I'm the last person to tell him to chill out when I do. I also know how bad it feels to be on the receiving end of all of that. I feel for the both of you.

PS: I'm lucky I got interviewed for a pet store job, though I don't know if I'll be hired or not because I have no work experience. I'm even luckier that while once in awhile my parents remind me of job they don't put pressure on me as much as I do on myself because they know the economy is bad.

PPS: I'd just like to add that I also stay up until 3am and stay in bed until 2

PPPS: Those "government programs" are getting cut left and right here in NY so if they are even still running they have a very limited amount of people they can help versus the amount of people who apply. This could be trues across the country (or maybe not, considering our governor is raising taxes/putting taxes on EVERYTHING yet continually cuts funding towards education and medicine.)

[Typo]

First off I want to say nobody can be helped until they THEMSELVES want the help, this is something I have learned myself, about not only myself, but various friends and family members.

I am very sorry you are going through this goodgirl26, my thoughts go out to you.

are you or your son in counsuling? Just as much as your son needs help, you too need someone to talk to about the stress and hurt you are feeling in this situation.

As hard as it is to hear, you have to draw a line in the sand in this situation, he can't keep living in your house in that behavior, and to a degree you are enabling him by allowing his behavior to continue, sit down with him and let him know there are going to be ground rules, you need to see he is attempting to want to change. If he isn't going to try and make an effort there will be consquenses, including him having to find somewhere else to live.

Let him know you do love him and care for him, and taht your not doing this to be mean or hateful, but out of love and care for him. He may not accept that now and may lash out, but hopefully later in life he can understand and see it.

Remeber he is an adult and resposnible for his own decisions, When I turned 18 and decied to keep living in my parents house ( I am currently 19 and still living with them) they laid down ground rules, and told me if I ever began drinking heavily or doing drugs they would kick me to the curb, I could continue to have a place to live in their house as long as I was working to a degree and following their ground rules and was respectful to them. There has been a number of instances where they have threatned to kick me out in the past year, and even made me pack my bags so I could see the stress in having to go out on my own with little support, it made me straighten up pretty fast. (my first year at college was not a pretty one) I enrolled in therapy and my parents supported that decision as one to get my behavior in check.

Sometimes the only way to work up, is to hit rock bottom (been there with my own personal demons in life)

I wish you and your son the best goodgirl26,

Sending many peaceful thoughts and best wishes
Typo

Originally Posted by goodgirl62

So since the tough love doesn't seem to be working I might just give him a time limit to get a job. I know if he gets a job he will at least have a reason to get up everyday. Life can be good but sometimes we have to work for it.

tough love means giving your son consequences for his actions. it doesn't mean nagging and yelling. have you given him any consequences? i do think giving him a time period to get a job and move out would be a good idea. you have to follow thru though. if the time period comes and he has no job you still have to make him leave. if that's too drastic then start with him paying for his own car insurance or something like that. if it gets cancelled because he can't pay it you do not then let him borrow your car all the time. you have to get tough, not him.

if he is depressed that is a different issue. if he's depressed he needs help but if he just wants to party and be irresponsible then let him do it on his own dime. i think there are support groups for parents dealing with issues such as yours. it might be helpful to find one.

edit to add: i say all this as someone who has been enabled bigtime in my life and it has not helped me at all. in fact, it has made my life much harder because i don't know how to take care of myself.

This thread got pretty intense. Even so, a lot of good information was exchanged about a situation that is prevalent today. My hope is that we all learned something that will benefit us.

That said, I would like to thank all who shared their viewpoints. We do not always have to agree to recognize the goodness and sincerity of others. Be well.

[goodgirl62]

Originally Posted by Tamale

I know you aren't talking about "everyone" but these kinds of blanket statements are really hurtful to those young people who are working hard and do have morals. A lot of young people have morals. Don't judge us all by what you see on the Jersey Shore TV show on MTV.
Also, think about the environment we grew up in. My mom's parents were the only ones in her whole town who were divorced. Now, 52% of marriages end in divorce. I'm NOT saying that my parent's generation had it easy, but times have changed. Look at what's on Tv, in the media...some people are affected by the turmoil they see. Some aren't. Just saying...
Your attitude may be brought on by warranted and appropriate frustration, but I doubt that it is going to help you get through to your son.

Maybe your son doesn't want to look for a job. Maybe he's the kind of lazy, pathetic young person that I personally despise b/c they make my generation look bad. But it sounds like you don't really care what's going on inside of him as long as the outside of him is getting up and going to work. I hope I'm wrong and that your frustrated tone in your posts is just a product of the lack of body language and voice tone we get from reading words on the internet.

This statement is infuriating to me. You obviously haven't been watching the news or talking to the people around you for the last few months. Sure, your son can probably get a job at Taco Bell or whatever you have wherever you live. And theres' nothing wrong with that except he might not be as motivated to do so. I personally thought your idea about the government funded education programs sounded better.
Many jobs are hard to find. I don't know where you are, maybe you live in a town that doesn't have any problems. But in my city, people are having trouble finding jobs as waiters and waitresses because restaurants have been shutting down left and right. A college-student friend of mine with an excellent resume was recently turned down for a part-time, 10 dollar an hour job at a museum because a 32 year old man with 3 kids and 8 years of public relations experience got the job instead. I hope that man doesn't have a 1,000 mortgage, cause he sure won't be able to pay it on 10 dollar/hr part-time salary.
Everyone I just graduated with is having an impossible time finding a job in our field, which is a 25,000-30,000 a year starting salary. You can't do a 1,000 a month mortgage on that salary alone unless you live without health insurance or a car/gas/car insurance. And finding a job without a car is basically impossible, just ask anyone who's ever been in that situation.

You're right. You're kind and apparently have enough money to support your son at home, and he's lucky to be able to take advantage of that. Maybe you have put up with a lot. But it sounds like maybe you've put up with too much, and now things are moving backwards.

Apparently you think that getting a job is reason enough to "get up everyday". Maybe to get up physically, but not necessarily psychologically. Is your own life worth living simply because you have to work everyday?
Now that I've read this whole post, I see that you just want to feel like your son is being responsible by seeing him get a job. It seems like you don't really care anymore about his emotional well-being. Maybe he just needs a kick in the pants because he's a lazy jerk, but it's hard to tell what's really going on with him from your posts.
If I could talk to your son, I would tell him to get the heck out of your house and move on his own where he could maybe get some assistance from the government and deal with his problems in a more emotionally supportive environment. People need more than just food and shelter to be happy. You sound like you really need some emotional support of your own and some space away from your son. Hope it all works out for your son and that you can find some peace of your own, hopefully away from him.
sorry for the novel. I think I may actually write a novel on this.

I am from Michigan. We have the worst unemployment in the country.

As a parent I can tell you that I love my child more than anything in the world. He has gotten 3 MIP's alcohol, 1 pot charge, domestic violence. That's all that's on record. He has had counseling but I can not afford to pay for that now. As far as the MTV I do not watch them but I have seen my kids myspace pages. I can tell you I did not like what I saw. When he was 15 he would take my car in the middle of the night. I have woken up to him trying to steal from my purse. He has stolen from his sister. All this and I still love him and believe he can grow up and move on. What I am trying to figure out is how much more abuse I need to take to really make him leave. He will be 20 next week and I think that he needs a reason to wake up. That's what he says "Why should I wake UP"? I am unemployed but I still get up and do something everyday. I might not leave my house but I do something around my house. Do you think I should just let him sleep and stay depressed? I have offered to take him to a doctor for antidepressant meds. I am still at little depressed myself. I used to be so depressed I would only get out of bed to go to work. I wish I had someone to encourage me to get up. I had to do that myself. I don't know what the answers are but I is killing me to see him waste his life when he should be enjoying life.

[Yoda]

Originally Posted by goodgirl62

I have tried to help my son since he was in 9th grade. My son is a handsome 6'4" clean cut smart good looking kid but he has so many issues. I have been taking the heat for his poor choices forever. He is almost 20 and just got out of rehab for multiple MIP's for alcohol. He sleeps till like 2pm every day. He has no motovation and if I try to get him to get motovated he just starts yelling at me. He gets up just in time to blow and then it's right back to bed. I have tried to get him to go to bed at the same time and wake at the same time but he likes to sleep all day and stay up all night. He yells at me if I ask him to help around the house. It's just so stressful. I want to kick him out but he has no place to go as we have no extended family in our state. I love him so much and I see so much potential. How can I help him?

Let me see if I understand.

He is smart. How were his grades in high school? Did he graduate? Did he have any behavioral problems in school?

He has issues. Besides alcohol what other issues does he have and what kind of help has he received for the issues? Is he diagnosed with mental illness or do you suspect mental illness? Has anybody ever suggested to you that he apply for SSI? Does he drink in your house or at bars or out with friends? How often does he drink? Does he want to stop drinking or does he even care about the legal issues that he is causing himself?

You mention he has no motivation. Not surprising to me for at that age I didn't either. Not a good thing but for me it was part of not knowing where to go with my life and not knowing how to find out. What does he do with his time? Does he spend hours watching TV or playing videogames? Does he have any friends that he visits? If he gets hungry will he cook himself a meal or does he rely on you to feed him?

I am a night person too. I always have been. I worked night shift as a RN for years until my son was born and I wanted to be on a more "normal" schedule. He can find a night shift job if he persists. Plus most places pay a little bit more for night shift. But at the present time it doesn't sound like he is motivated to work. You can't motivate him. That has to come from inside him.

The biggest problem IMO is that he yells at you. That is disrespect. You should not tolerate that and that needs to be clear to him.

I have raised a defiant son myself and it has not been easy. My son has ADHD and bipolar and oppositional defiance disorder. After his step dad went loco he saw me being abused and would hide in his bedroom in fear.

Knowing my son had these problems I tried to be supportive. Didn't work. At the age of fourteen he became a teenage terror. He would stab the walls with knives. Threaten me and others. Grabbed his dad by the neck. He was in psychiatric hospitals three times during his teens. In therapy; no help.

When he was eighteen y/o he was being nasty to me saying F*** You and such. I told him I was feeling down and I didn't want to hear it. He persisted. I really wanted to smack the **** out of him but I knew if I did I would go to jail for battery and he still would not have learned anything. It was midnight and I had all of his crap I could take. So I left the house and drove my car around on the interstate for three hours trying to calm myself and decide what to do. The next day I packed a suitcase and left home. He was sleeping and didn't know I had left. In fact I was gone for three days before he missed me. I had gone to a motel and got a room with a jacuzzi in the room. I needed a break from the stress. I thought and thought and thought. I had already been reading a book "Tough Love". I decided it was time for me to implement tough love and made a plan. I made notes. After five days I was wondering how he was doing without me. Would he be able to feed himself? Would he feed the animals? I called my exhusband and I learned that the state police had a file on me as a missing person. Oops!

But anyway when I came home I found that my son had not fed the dogs or cats or horse. He had barely fed himself. He could have asked my mom or sister to bring him or the animals food but he did not. Before this he has always said he was sick of me and he was going to move to another state. I think this experience helped him learn he was not near ready to live alone in another state.

My son was glad to see me because he thought I was likely dead. I think his concern was more for who would take care of him than for me at that point though. But still I was happy to hear him say he had missed me because for four years he had said few kind things.

I wrote a contract and I explained to my son that things were going to change. I would no longer tolerate his nasty behavior.

Rule 1. I am the boss. ALWAYS.

Rule 2. You don't have to appreciate me but you will respect me or you will leave. Cursing/yelling at me will NOT be tolerated.

Rule 3. You may express your opinion and debate in a civilized manner but whining and bitc*ing will not be tolerated. When I say the discussion/debate has ended for now you will stop talking about it.

Rule 4. When I say to do something NOW you will stop what you are doing and complete the task NOW.

Rule 5. When I tell you to do something non-urgent and I have told you three times and you have not complied there will be a consequence.

Rule 6. Infractions of rules will result in a negative consequence. An item or privilege that you enjoy will be removed to "The Consequence Box" for a time period that I decide.

Rule 7. Threatening harm to persons or property will result in a call to 911 and a charge of assault.

We both signed and dated the contract. He initially tested me. He started losing his X-box and things to the consequence box. I explained to my son that I loved him very much and I wanted him to live with me but if he could not follow the rules then he must leave. And where he went when he left would be his problem. I suggested that some options might be a homeless shelter, the military, live with his dad if his dad would agree, a camp for wayward children or live on the streets. Not my problem.

During the first two months he was still difficult. He cursed me. He lost a privilege. He threw something. He lost a privilege. It was no fun for him and he could see that I was stubbornly persistent. I wasn't his peer; I was his mother and it was my house and I was the boss. He stopped stabbing the walls. He stopped threatening people although he still expressed feeling of wanting to hurt people but we worked together to rephrase his anger into more acceptable terms.

Two years after initiating tough love my son is maturing. He still has his rude moments but nothing like before. I realized how much he has changed after hearing a comment.

He asked me a question. He asked what would I do if I came home and he was intoxicated with alcohol. I have talked to him about the danger of alcohol. Nobody told me you could stop breathing from alcohol poisoning so when I went to college & started binge drinking the only reason I didn't die was because when I was crazy drunk I always threw up. But anyway back to my point... My response to his question was I would ask him why he had made the decision to get drunk & ask if there was a problem or stressor that had provoked him to drink. He said the reason he asked was he had a conversation with a classmate who asked him if he had ever considered trying alcohol & my son had told him he had wondered what it would be like but he still lived with his mom & his mom owned the house & had rules & expectations that he respected.

I was stunned. Mature respect! My defiant child!?! How did this happen? Wow.

I think the very first thing you need to do is demand he respect you. Then he can work on the other issues as he matures and as he develops motivation. The alcohol is a serious issue that will probably need professional help.

Good luck.

[Yoda]

I suggest you read the book "ToughLove" by Phyllis and David York and Ted Wachtel. You can probably find it at your library. Or the cheapest one that Ebay has is $4.31 with free shipping. ToughLove

Another really good book about alcoholism that both you and your son should read is "Under The Influence" by Dr James Milam and Katherine Ketcham. It explains how alcoholism develops physically and how it affects the body and mind. Under The Influence

If you cannot find these in your library and do not have a Paypal account you could send me a check or money order and I would buy them on Ebay for you with my Paypal.

[Tamale]

Wow, Yoda, thanks so much for this...this thread has really been bothering me because I didn't seem to understand exactly what goodgirl was trying to get at but for some reason I really felt motivated to try to come up with a solution...
Your personal experience and advice sounds difficult to implement, but very wise and doable.

Goodgirl62, I never meant to imply that you didn't care about your son. I think that I could sense your frustration and hopelessness and was reacting to that. I hope that you get care and support for yourself, too. I think taking care of their own well-being is the best thing a parent can do for their child. I hope that this situation becomes less stressful and more hopeful soon.