Can't shake the thoughts this week

Thanks Byz - brilliant quote and Marjan you made me smile... I think we all want it even if its not what exactly what we dream it will be in the end xx

Seem to be on the up again - am not going to try and shake the thoughts as much anymore but just let them be and if I feel down I feel down. Trying to be happy all of the time is hard but it's harder to not let myself grieve properly.
Once again Byz that article made a huge difference. Thanks!!

Belle I can relate ...I have been expierencing suddenly those haunting thoughts after a little over 4 years you know my situation you have written on my posts ..why now her "Lisa"sleeping in our bed with him...cooking him meals in our pots and pans,taking care of him after his recent and sudden cardiac stent surgery,him being with her and vice versa physically doing all the intimate things we did together ...He is still my HUSBAND TOO DAMN IT ...I am Finally getting sooo mad now at her wondering doesn't she have anhy morals,conscious,whatever....never mind him....can't she find her own man,available man...tewll him go try and work things out with your wife or divorce her I am taking care of your ***...she's keeping our house,dog,as I wrote before all the benefits of being his wife except the paper and insurance...I have been insomniac over a week now...seems it hit me more after his close call with death ...maybe subconsciously or otherwise I feel like I could have lost my second chance with him if he died...I almost feel like confronting him and saying HEY you know deep down you still care about me get rid of her NOW....

Sorry All Maybe I am ranting Now all I have been doing is crying,been confused,anxiety,stressed every emotion except happy...

Hey Kacey
Sorry you are having a bad time too, well worse than uaual. Weird how these things come in waves... one minute I'm godd and have been good for a long time (feels long anyway) and then I am a mess again.
Read the article on grieving that Byz posted a link to - makes a lot of sense and i think it really applies here and to you.
Big cuddles to you sweetie xxooxxooxxooxx

I'm having a very hard time today - feeling triggered from another thread. In a way I envy you and other women, who no longer have their men. I want my husband to leave and go to his 'other wife'. I'm totally willing to let him visit the girls and be very civil, but he won't go. I can't tell you how awkward, surreal it is, to say good morning and sit down at the occasional dinner and just make petty conversation. I feel so indifferent and barely tolerant of his presence. I fantasize winning the lottery and buying my own house and finally having peace. I can't move on as long as he's living here. I have to stop now because I can't see the keyboard through the tears.

I read the article on grieving that BYZ left the link too helpful yet in some ways not since the MEN are still alive so there isn't really an end so to speak as I said in one post it might have been easier if he did die in some ways ...the relationship may have been able to go through a "grieving" "loss" period for however long and that piece in my heart although scared could heal but with him still alive and around and in my case my husband still,kind of what lynn says you are in limbo ...you need the marriage in some ways financially(me and her)I still love him (stupidly)and hopelessly hoping for that fairy tale ending I suppose...like the article says there isn't a magic pill ...

ANYONE UFOT GIVINGME enough DOPE slaps to cause permanant brain damage in the DAVID feelings dept. of my BRAIN Might Be an Option I am DESPERATE ...

I don't think you chose who you love, it just happens and is what it is. As angry as I am at Mark and do still love him in a way - for me more of what we had than what he has become/what he did.
Fairy tale endings would be nice and without dreams we have nothing. I think the trick is to try not to let them consume us and become part of our lives.

Good Heavens ! I believe that we are here 'to get it' as well, but boundries are important to have. Character is essential in all our relationships. Chosing someone to spend your life with must be the 'best' if not an exact match in character. This was not just an "oops"....this was premeditated infidelity and emotional/mental abuse to you. This is not an expression of 'love'. Maybe you're settling 'for less' and he's taking advantage of that - so who's wrong?

I am still having a hard time this week. So glad that I see my T on Thursday.
He (you all know who) just emailed me.... It's gone back to making my heart jump up into my throat when I see his name...
I want to be happy

I felt exactly the same when my ex texted me few days ago. Like I stopped breating for a second. But he said nothing meaningful in the text... I just got so angry... He invaded my quiet time and healing.

I want to be happy too Belle. Maybe we just have to open our heart and allow it to happen...

Thanks Tatyana x

I thought I was past the heat jumping in to my throat.. his emails mean nothing more than him trying to ease his guilt and MAYBE he does want to be friends... I can't see it happening anytime soon.

Happiness comes in waves from my experience... If we open our hearts it will come I am sure but I am so scared of being hurt again.

I don't know about you but my friends don't betray me and if they did they wouldn't be my friend. If you want better you have to demand better from people or they will only give you left overs. Mark took advantage of you. Friends don't do that.

I think the loss of a relationship does go through a grieving process. The person may still be in your life but the relationship is dead. My ex is very much still in my life because we are co-parents. We worked at building our friendship back so that we could be the best parents we could be. He never betrayed me and we were friends and work associates before we were lovers. We shared a history before we made a commitment to each other.

It took me a good 5 years to process the loss. The death of the relationship. I held on to all kinds of fantasies over those years... still do on occassion but less and less. I am good being single. There is a lot of social pressure to be hooked up with someone. I ignored that pressure through to my late 30's and I can do it again now in my 50's and beyond. Single people can be happy too. Marriage is hard. Not everyone can do it well.

Everyday is a blessing and rejoice in the blessings everyday.

Thanks Sanity

Love you Belle.... hope you start to feel better soon. Ride the wave hun. It will take you safely to shore eventually.

That's so true....That's the fundamental of friendship....If my friend mistreats me and betrays me, then he or she is not my friend anymore!

Thanks everyone.

I seem to be doing better today. I was short with him in the emails and didn't lie when he asked how I was.. answered with so so.. usually I just say that I am great or fantastic (but stuff him - I think my seeming to be great all of the time is probably easier on him than me being sad/down/angry so I am speaking the truth again).

You are right he is not a true friends and I don't think that he ever will be - too much betrayal, hurt and pain. It's more of me "keeping my enimies close" I think in continuing the contact.. I am sure that once I am totally over it I wont want to even do that. But I have to say that I miss him so much some days.. just having someone that spent so much of my life to be gone is hard. Harder I think because we were friends before we became a couple.. so I miss the 8 years of friendship as much as the 5 years of the relationship.

Lynn P - I just read back over the posts - I feel for you so much. I couldn't live the way you are and my heart goes out to you. You are a very strong woman to be able to keep it together for your children.

Number5 - We aren't together anymore... it's a long story with many threads. I'm not settling for less
I have black moments (like what caused this thread to be started - mainly I think because of another thread) and when the emotions surface it's better to get them out than hold them in.

Once again thanks everyone for the support.

As Sanity said it's a wave that I just have to ride out... heading for the beach now I hope and not stuck out in the ocean xxxooxx

Keep on keepin on Belle. You are gaining every day even on those days that feel like you are going backwards you are still moving forward.

Better take a surf board with you kiddo. lol

You made me laugh Sanity Love laughing haha Thanks xx

Luckily I'm a good swimmer and today I seem to be surfing the waves no worries!

Yes... laughter is good medicine. Recommend multiple doses as often as you can get it. We are lucky here to have 5 week old kitties dowling out the medicine to us over here a few times a day right now. They are too cute and just too funny to watch as they chase each other around and jump up and down with excitment like mexican jumping beans.

Sounds oh so cute

T appointment tomorrow... always seems that by the time the appt. comes around I am coping better and don't want to talk about how the past weeks have been... Will make sure that I do though - I know what triggered it but the thoughts are still there so guess it needs a little resolving.

Copy your posts since the last session to give your therapist a more accurate scenario of how pervasive Mark-on-your-mind has become.

Thanks Byz - that is a brilliant idea.

T appointment went really well - I cried, okay so that sounds bad but it was needed.
I seemed to have started to think that everything was my fault again - that there was something that I could have done to stop what had happened (controlling behaviour - find and fix the problem).
The other thing that seems to have come from this is that I don't trust myself... not that I have lost trust in men but that I have lost trust in my judgement.

All these things are still there from the beginning.. I had learnt wonderful ways to prove them wrong (positive thinking, emotion diary, figuring out what was a correct thought and what wasn't). So now it's back to basics - no one has the right to be able to control my emotions but me (and some how Mark got hold of them again ).

I am still emotional right now.. but it will pass.

I am a good person, I did NOTHING to contribute to the break down of the relationship.. I gave my all and HE betrayed me. There was nothing that I could have FIXED because it wasn't broken - atleast on my behalf and what Mark chose to let me see/know.
I am not death on relationships but I am not ready for one for some time.

I am a good person.

I was dumped by a wave.... I'm not washed out to sea and I am on my way back to shore...

The process is long and hard with many ups and downs... I can't expect every day to be full of happiness. This is not a set back but just a blip on the radar..

Thanks for listening everyone xxx

Hello, Belle. Sounds like the session was intense. Betrayal of another's commitment is a most disagreeable reality to accept.

Love yourself.