How to stop doubting myself...?

So it's been 8 months since I had my heart ripped out and torn to shreads... I am much better, confidient in myself and my abilities. I know that what happened was NOT my fault, it just happened - well that took a lot of therapy to accept.

Now I have a new boyfriend. Met him online, talked for a couple of weeks and then met (for all of you that know my story.. this was a great thing to happen). We spent 7 days living in each others pockets... he works away, four weeks gone and one week back - this will be until the end of the year.

I guess I am havig a bit of trouble opening up fully, in most things I have. He understands that I have been hurt before etc and says that he will never hurt me.. Mark said similar things all through the 5 and a half year relationship and then look what happened.

How do I stop doubting myself - that I am just making another leap of faith and it will turn bad.. I'll end up cripped with pain and heartbreak again. I don't 100% trust in myself to chose the 'right' guy...

I am not painting every guy with the same brush.. but when I was so confidient that Mark and I would spend the rest of our lives together... and he ran off with the receptionist.. how can I be sure that the next guy wont do the same thing??

You don't know for sure, nothing's ever sure. So it's like starting over again with a blank page, and then take that leap of faith again, and it may turn good or it may turn bad. It's like, when you think "what if I take a leap of faith and it turns out bad?" it's not a guarantee, there's a chance of "what if I take a leap of faith and it turns out good?" So nothing ventured, nothing gained.
I hope I help, I'm afraid it's not making sense lol. It's late and I may be sleepy

Dear Belle,

You are blaming yourself again. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt and trust that not all people are the same.

You deserve happiness and the fact that this new guy works away 4 weeks makes it easier on you to think all about the wonderful moments you spent together, whilst he is away.

Take it one step at a time and allow yourself time to get to know him; I really do wish you well and wish you happiness,

Rhia

Thank you uoffl - it did make sense

Rhia you are always supportive and wonderful Thank you x

belle, if you'd been dating this guy a year or two and were saying you had trouble trusting him and opening up i think it would be cause for concern but i don't see this being a problem at this point. he's only been in your life a very short amount of time and trust isn't really something that can be rushed. it takes much time and experience with another to develop real trust. would you really want to know all his deep, dark secrets at this stage? lol, i sure wouldn't! generally, when it comes to trusting men i personally have found their actions to be much more reliable than their words to get a feel for what they are really about. it's okay to just relax and enjoy dating him and let things happen at a natural pace.

Hiya Belle!
I think you should make it clear to boyfriend: You don't want to be hurt in this relationship. Sure this might sound like a simple task, but I think taking this step is necessary so you can ensure yourself a happy relationship without dealing with extra stress. Hopefully, it'll take the load off of you! Take care!

Thanks Bloom and Opaquemind

Opaquemind he is aware that it's hard for me at the moment.. It's not that I am not over my ex just that I am so frightened of getting hurt.. He says he has no intentions of ever hurting me and he seems serious when he says it...

I think I just have to take one day at a time, enjoy the feeling of being happy and try not to let the past experience ruin what could be a beautiful time in my life.

Bloom you are so right in not wanting to know all his deep dark secrets right now I know that I am not sharing everything with him about my past.. but the truth is that the past needs to stay there.. it can't become my future as well or I will never find true happiness again.

Last night he said he had some good news and some bad news... my heart dropped into my tummy.. I had no idea what the news was going to be and it scared me - all that went through my head is that he didn't want to be with me anymore... Of course that wasn't it - it was that he might be back sooner than expected but that he also might have to go work further away eventually... (contacts have been lost by the company etc) none of it has been decided yet but he was just letting me know.

I need a little more confidence in myself.. and at the moment I am finding it hard to find..

http://www.ehow.com/how_2105384_trust-yourself.html
http://www.ehow.com/how_5069308_whet...t-someone.html

I am just going with the flow and its going soooooo very well
We talk, video chat and email every chance we get.. sending photos makes us feel closer that 1000kms away.
19 sleeps til I get to see him again and both of us can't wait. It feels like it's moving very fast in an emotional way and I'm on the ride for the duration xx

this is great belle! one of the things i've found is that getting to know someone online does have an advantage in that you really get to know them strongly in an emotional way since you can't do much else than talk!

It is naive for anyone to say they will never hurt you; they have no way to back that up; it is you who decides what hurts you and what doesn't and to work/deal with that.

You have to make a leap of faith about another person; you can only know what you know, feel what you feel! But you need to first like yourself and accept yourself wholly, knowing that whatever comes into your life, you will address it.

Love is not leaping off a cliff hoping the other person will catch you. It's not about the other person. It's a meeting and mingling, not a sacrificial act. Hurt comes from having mingled and having to unmingle yourself from the mixture.

For me, it would be too soon to even worry about if he's the right "one". Relax and get to know him while you're with him, until you all can be together more often (next year). Then, as you intermingle your lives it will become more evident if he's the one you want to be with and if you feel like he feels the same about you.

Thanks Bloom and Perna

Bloom, I have gotten to know him better in a short time than I think I would have if he was here... you are right, all we can do is talk.. and talk and talk haha.

Perna, thank you for the wise words I am trying to relax and just enjoy the feels that I am having.. the fear still raises it's head from time to time but mostly I just feel happy. When I speak with him on the video chat it's like we have known each other for a long time not just a month... but there is much more to learn about each other and like you said.. when he is able to be in Perth for longer times is when I will find the 'real' him and decide what I want.

Great! I agree, go with the flow. Be open to the relationship, but don't throw yourself into it with abandon. You're dating, and with dating comes fun and excitement, not an investment of a lifetime. Just enjoy yourself without putting too much meaning into the relationship until you both acknowledge that it IS serious.

Thanks bruinelle

We have sort of decided that it is a serious relationship and I am totally fearful that I will pull away now- in fear of getting hurt.
It's not that I don't like him, perhpas even love him a little (more still the honeymoon phase).. I said to him last night that it feels weird because we really haven't known each other for very long... he said well it's been 6 weeks (LOL I didn't even know how long it had been) and that he feels so lucky and happy to have met me. The 'L' word is on the tip of both of our tounges... instead of saying it we send silly love hearts and loving smilies... I had told him earlier on that telling me he loved me would probably freak me out.
He is looking for work that will allow him to spend more time with me rather than being away for 4 weeks at a time. Possibly work on a oil rig that would be two weeks away and two weeks back home.. I think that is a better roster .
I still doubt what I am feeling is 'real' but then again why analyse it.. need to just go with flow and enjoy the moment.
He is back in 6 days... and I am strated to get butterflies in my tummy again at seeing him... I feel 16 years old haha

great to hear back from you....I was thinking to PM you.....It's good that everything is going well....you have to stay positive and happy and celebrate your joy.....why do you keep poisoning your mind with negative and stressful thoughts? Stuff that has not yet happened or you don't know about at all....just go with the flow and enjoy....don't think too far about future....

It looks like I may have a date finally in Sunday.....the guy is an engineer and he sounds very energetic.....I like his pictures too....but he lives a little bit far from me like 40 miles away....however, 40 miles is not that far for Los Angeles.....hehehe.....LA is so spread out and people are living in different cities.....anyway, I haven't given him my phone number yet....why do you think? should I give him my phone number or just meet him at the restaurant? I need advice from expert I may post a new thread asking what to do after a date or before it or whatever.....I feel like a virgin, it's been a while since my last time....you know what I mean....hehehe

again, good to hear back from you.....keep us posted!

Marjan

you had me laughing.. i know the feeling.. "virgin" dates... it's scary but treat it all as fun!
I did post on your thread but will add it here too. The number thing is a hard one, but probably a good idea just in case something happens, like one of you is running late etc.
Plus if he turns out to be a bit weird then you can always get the number blocked from you phone (that's what made me feel safer about occassionally giving my number out)
Sounds like he could be good for you.. similar careers etc - always means that there is something to talk about so the date should go smoothly
Either way the date will boost your confidence, make you know that you are attractive and beautiful.. as well as giving you a good start into the online dating world

Louis is back in 5 days.. I just can't wait. So far so good in everything.. he seems too good to be true.. but maybe, just maybe i have found someone that l would spend a lot of time with

That's great Belle.....trust me you will enjoy his company more when you wait to see him.....I think this is very good for you.....you get to know him slowly....have fun....
My date hasn't emailed me back yet....hmmm....whatever....I won't lose anything....I'm still single!!!!

Just a little update

Everything seems to be going VERY well (other than the fact he's 1000kms away at the moment LOL). We talk as much as we can - skype video chat, Facebook chat... and then there are the photo emails... Makes it feel like we are there with each other rather than so far away

He still seems TOO perfect.. but maybe, just maybe, I have actually found the guy I am meant to spens the rest of my life with. He's caring, funny, loving, we have similar personalities. Tall, blonde and handsome.. Loves his family (very important to me as I am very close to mine), wants to travel more, wants kids, wants marriage... wants all the things that just seem NORMAL...

I am falling in love over computer video chat haha...

He's back in 8 more sleeps... and has been looking for work that will (hopefully) not take him away for such long rosters... 4 weeks away is just a little too long - mind you it has been fun getting to know more and more about him online.

I feel like I have known him for years not just 7 weeks... Okay so I'll admitt, I didn't think it was possible to feel this strongly about someone in such a short time... so we are still taking it all slowly (him being away helps with that). It's all new and fun and nice.. it's not really LOVE but I think it could very well turn out to be

I still have the doubt lingering in the back of my mind... but hey I'm along for the ride now - if it turns out badly...well I'll be on here crying again but for the time being I am totally HAPPY.. like trully, really, happy..

Last night I was feeling totally insecure... grumpy with him. It's not that he is so far away, it's that I am falling for him and I am SOOOOOOO scared of getting hurt again. I kow that it's a possibility.. I know that I have to just control the feelings of utter lack of self confidence and insecurity...BUT HOW?
I see that he has new friends on FB (both male and female) and I am comparing myself to the females.. wondering why he is with ME and wondering if he is playing me...
He has NEVER given any sign of being a player or a cheater.. his FB relationship status says "in a relationship with Belinda ....." so it's not like it's not 'real'
Why am I doubting myself and what I feel... why is my head wanting to pull back to protect my heart... can't I just go with the happy feelings and put the insecurities behind me....
All that goes through my mind is - Mark did it to me and he and I were together for 5 and a half years... friends for 7 years.... What makes ANY guy out there different..
I don't want to paint males with the same jaded brush for the rest of my life...
F*** Mark and what he did to me.. for putting doubts in my head about everything.. for making me feel worthless... for leaving me for a younger woman... for everything...

Why do I just want to cry today

hey girl....chill...quit all these nasty thoughts....he is a human being and meeting new people and adding them to his facebook.....don't get obsess with such a small tiny thing in life....he was single that's why he got on the online dating to find somebody....it's difficult for guys same as girls to find a partner.....he posted that he's in a relationship with you, that's awesome....just my question to you is that "who initiated the request for the relationship?" you or him?

take it easy and if you feel angry or sad just don't talk to him at those times.....

M.

Thanks Marjan..

It was a mutual agreed fb relationship status change... we talked about it when I spent the week with him while he was down in Perth I changed mine to "in a relationship" and he changed his to ""in a relationship with Belinda..." LOL so I put him on mine too...

I spilled my guts to him last night about feeling insecure and feel embarrassed by it now.. but he was really good about it.. wanted to do anything to make me feel better.. told me that he REALLY REALLY likes me.. that I am special and that he wants to spend a long long time with me. He knows about Mark (most of the story) and knows that's why I am scared of getting hurt...

He has been on Fb chat this morning to me (it's just 8am here).. he sneaks in a few chats through out the day and then will ring me tonight... So it does seem that it is all going really really well.. so worried that I will stuff it up with my doubts and nasty thoughts!! That I will push him away.

The other thought going through my head is that if he isn't the 'right one' (is there such a person anyway??) that I am wasting my time when I really want to settle down, have kids etc....
But he feels like the right one when I am not feeling crazy like now!!

(((Belle)))

Why don't you replace your negative thoughts with the good ones?
Try to build up an imagination, positive image about yourself and your future rather than thinking about the past and Mark.....

I'm so happy that you are not with Mark....He was not right for you....He didn't know what he wants and he would not make you happy....I bet you he will not be happy in any relationships.....

This guy, I forgot his name, sounds like a very good guy....just enjoy your relationship and don't spoil it with those negative chatters in your mind....each time those negative thoughts came into your mind force them to get out....then it will get like a practice and it will happen automatically....

There are millions of people out there living happily in a long term relationships.....and you will be one of them hopefully me too

okay, it's 1am here and I'm still up....It's better I go and sleep, otherwise I won't wake up in the morning....

xoxoxo

Thank you I will try to push the negative thoughts out and replace them with positives...

I still do think of Mark (all angry thoughts lately.. am sure they will fade over time)...

Spoke with Louis for and hour and a half last night... he brought up all the insecurity stuff.. god I blushed.. told him to just pretend that I never said anything to him about it... but he wouldn't let it drop... said he was REALLY happy that I told him, made him understand me a little more... and that he wants me to be able to tell him everything.. any little feeling and thought...

Seems like I have a good one here.... but still in the early stages... 'honeymoon' phase LOL but sure does feel like I have known him a lot longer

Marjan, I am sure that both you and I will settle into blissful relationships.. have kids and live happily ever after xxxxxxx
I want to be that 80 year old couple walking on the beach still in love holding hands..sigh...

I think it's good to not unfold every single details about your emotions and your past.....just try to look forward into future instead of thinking so much about past!

I know how hard it is....I'm trying it too, but it's possible

haha yeah I know.. but having the 'feelings' talk so early on is embarassing LOL... He does need to know somethings.. especially if I start backing off.. don't want him to get the wrong idea.. if i do back off it's simply cos am scared..and have scar tissue that is still healing

Why do I have this insecurity that he will cheat on me tho... I believe that he is genuine and everything he says rings true.. right down to him talking about the future (wants to take me to his best friends dad's birthday in France in July next year..LOL)

I know that I am thinking silly thoughts... so how to stop them.. what if I have made a bad choice.. It makes me want to push everything away and just keep dating randoms.. no relationship means no thoughts of confusion.. BUT i really like him and thats what frightening me silly..