Husband drinking again...I'm scarred

Hi Everyone,
This is my first thread in this forum. I haven been with this man for 20 yrs. been married 13 this halloween. The first 7 yrs. were very rocky because he was a drinker, and could and would become nasty and violent. Of course it caused a lot of problems and break ups. But once I put my foot down and left on my own accord, he realized the this was it.

So we reconciled with the promise that he would quit drinking, and no more promises to marry me. We would get married!! So we got married that halloween. Halloween, this way he could never forget it.

So lately our life has been same old same old, boring but stressful. The past week he has started drinking when he gets home from work. He sits in his reclyner watching TV, barely says a word, has 3-4 12 oz glasses of tomatoe juice and V..... then goes to bed.

This really has me concerned, because I'm not going to go threw this again. Walking on eggshells already, because I know if I say anything
I could be asking for trouble. I just don;t know what to do. Any advise?

Hello, Bobbi. What accounts for the stress in the marriage? Is there anything specifically that you can attribute the renewed drinking to? Are you two generally civil to each other? Can you communicate about problems when he is not drinking? Do you love each other? Is joint therapy an option?

Does this article speak to you: http://www.healthleader.uthouston.ed...epingenemy.htm

If so, you need to have a plan to get yourself to safety if your husband becomes threatening or violent. Call here for assistance:

National Domestic Abuse Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Ideally, there will be a local safe shelter that has people who will help you leave if need be.

Another concern if you leave is how will you support yourself. Do you and your husband have joint accounts and joint credit cards? If there is trouble, invariable one of the joint owners empties the accounts and runs up the balance on the credit cards. You may want to consult with an attorney to familiarize yourself with your rights.

Of course I am talking worst case scenario. Nonetheless, it is most helpful to be prepared. I can still sense the cycle of abuse. I know you can too.

Take care of yourself, Bobbi.

Dear Bobbi,

Byz is correct and I agree with everything said. The only way an abusive drunk is not abusive is if they don't drink at all. But if the person is abusive whether they drink or not that is a completely seperate issue and one that should be gotten away from even quicker.

With the way things are if it were me, I would be out of there before I'd walk on egg shells again...sending you lots of love and support,

Rhiannon

Hi Bobbi, you said you reconcilled with the promise that he would quit drinking. He broke the deal. He needs to get back with the program or you need to get away from him. You can only support him if he is willing to get back on track.

Your primary concern has to be for your personal safety and you can't take any risks where that is concern.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this on top of everything else right now. Geesh!! Can't this girl get a break already?!! We are pulling for you Bobbi. You can count on us.

TY Byz, Rhian, And Sanity, I'm reading this through my salty tears, so please excuse typos. You guys have been a great support to me. I'll try to explain some of the stressers of late.

In 2003 I got my SSDI after fighting for it for almost 2 yrs. During that process there were some major changes in our relationship. He stopped being affectionate, and was always the iniciator, when it came to sex. But in 2005 it stopped completely, no sex since I caught him cheating.

But I only have myself to blame for that because I new all the signs from previous relationships. No, but I could fix him, and this relationship. I wasn't going to give up, and just walk away this time. That's what I've done in the past, walked away without a fight, and lost everything, including my children. But I was very sick going into this relationship, which I should have just stuck to my guns, and stayed away.

But anyway can't change the past, I have tryed to forgive him and build the trust once again but I can't seem to do that. I became very depressed over the past few yrs. and now with the way the economy is, he's very lucky to even have ajob. But they changed his shift, cut his hours, we lost our renters, and I now have to pay for my medicare. So the stress of trying to stay afloat has affected both of us.

But he is not one to sit down and say hey we need to talk. No, he turns to the bottle and keeps everything inside, and I know from past experiences that I if I approach him and try to talk to him about this it will either end up in an arguement, which will turn out badly...or he will just ignore me. Either way nothing is resloved.
I just can't take this anymore.

My life is always so dramatic. When I read back some of my diaries I feel like I'm reading a novel. This can't be my life, it so sad and dramatic. All the trama! Not that I'm looking for pitty. I'm searching for away out of this nightmare, that never seems to end.
I'm drowning and trying to swim with this heavy weight on my back, I'm tired and can't breath, I can see the shoreline, but fear I can't make it. I am trying but,am barely staying afloat. I need a life preseve if I'm going to make it.

I just wanted to add this, I am aware of my situation, But I need time to prepare. Getting out is easy to say but very difficult to do when you have no where to go. I need to first get an lawyer to help me seperate finacial accounts. I the past nothing was in my name, not even my car. But this time everything is either in my name or is jointly owned. So I am not about to just walk away this time. Although I am scarred, I am no longer that timid little creature I was 20 yrs ago. I will not go down with out a fight. But I am also a lot smarter, and I am capable to get out of this without coffrentation. I hope! I am not very good at lying, but if need be I can do what ever I need to, to protect myself.
I am in the process of setting up a support system of doctors, lawyer, and shelter if need be. Fear can be a good motivator, hmmm. I am calling the national hotline to set up all of this. The first step, have already called to set up therapy. So don't worry about me I will not be a victem anymore!!!! I CAN DO THIS.
Luv you guys,

Yes you can Bobbi. You can do this and anything else that gets thrown at you. The important thing is that you are doing what you need to do to get to that healthy place you want to be. Keep that vision for where you are going front and centre. Sometimes just having that vision is the motivation that keeps you putting one foot in front of the other. You can live a life free of the kind of drama you have lived through. You are walking towards it one day at a time. We are here for you.

(((((( bobbi ))))))

Good for you.

Ok, need some advice, he's going on vacation this week. He will be away for the weekend but will be back the rest of the week. I can't stand the thought of being together 24-7 for 5-6 days. Especially if he is drinking. I can feel the rage in me building to the point that it scares me. What if I loose control, what if he turns my rage 2 fold. Not sure what to do. cann't go anywhere, and that would only pi$$ him off. I feel like a rat in a maze! Searching and searching but getting know where.
Just don't know how to deal with this! It's been a long, long time since I've had to deal with this. I'm affraid that all the pent up anger, and fustration are going come out all at once and I won't be able to control it.

Anyone, seriously I need some advice here. What can I do to calm the fear.

OK<bumping>

So sorry Bobbi. Just found this thread.

You need to find some help in your community Bobbi. If you think you need to leave but think you can't then you need help. Help to leave or help to stay. What ever your safe options you need help to find them.

Being a ticking time boom isn't one of them.

Call a women's shelter. Talk to your doctor. Find out who you can turn to and ask for help. Find out what you can do. You think you know what you can't do. Find out what you can do. And do it fast.

You have options. Find help to sort them out. Don't wait for trouble to find you. Change the course if you have to.

I am so sorry you are faced with these stresses right now. Sorry your husband is drinking. Sorry your relationship is suffering. Sorry your safety is at risk.

Please don't feel helpless. You are never without the strength to work through this. Never without the wisdom to know what to do next. You are never helpless or powerless to do what you need to do. You are smart enough to know what is next.

It can be what you want it to be. You don't have to wait for it to happen. You can make things happen. Husband in or out of the picture you can make things better.

Don't let your rage own you Bobbi. Turn the passion on to find a way to turn things around for you.

((((((Bobbi))))))))))

dear Bobbi~ i hope you are reading this from a shelter, that you have jumped when his back was turned,,, please please don't let us hear from you in hospital, or never again~!! you may not realize how your suffering hurts so many, not just yourself, how we all are hoping that you make good your escape. believe me when i tell you, no piece of property is worth your life. if you have children at home, hurry hurry, get them out and away, don't put them through any more,,, {{{{{{{{bobbi~! }}}}}}}}}} (throwing out the lifeline ~~~~~~~~O ) Gus

Sanity and Gus,

Thank you so much, first off my children are grown and on their own. When I refer to my baby's I mean my pets. He won't take care of them, and has already been abusive to them.

Secondly, I really don't know my neighbors well enough to ask for this kind of help. But if it came down to it I could run to one of the houses. You see we have done such a great job at hiding this. You never really know what is going on behind closed doors. H has built such a picture perfect frame around us, that I doubt anyone would believe me.

When I say I'm scared, I mean I'm scared of my reaction. I am no longer afraid of him only angery and fustrated. I don't love him, but that doesn't mean I don't care. 20 some yrs. is a life time and my third time around. His 3rd time to.

I could tell some real horror stories but I won't do that. To many triggers!

I think I would just be much happier by myself. But I'm affraid I won't be able to support myself if I just walk away again. I'm to old to be starting over again. But seems inevitable!

So I need to keep calm and not provoke him. Since he came home around 5pm. So there will be no alone time. I believe he can sense that I am planning on leaving. So that is my dilema.

What really pi$$es me off his Mr. Charming act that he puts on, and has everyone except my sister believing that he is Mr.Wonderful. Not that I'm perfect. But he has my own family blamming me, for being such a B-T-H.
Don't they see that he has made me this way. Him and my past.

I'm so sorry for going on and on about this but I have no one to talk to and wright now this is my life line. Thanks for listening-reading and all your support, you really have no idea how much this has done for me.

I have met some really wonderful people here and appreciate you all so much. I wish I was a millionare, I would build a community for all of us who have no one, no where to go at times like this. A place of safety, love, support and help. For all that needed it. I dream big, hah

I'll keep you posted.
Luv yas,

(((((((Bobbi))))))

If you are walking on eggshells with this guy, you need to get out of this relationship ASAP. Isn't there somewhere you can go before he gets back?
You sound scared of him. Why are you staying around? He has already informed you that he is not going to change. TV and drinking! He is not out to better himself, so your life is not going to change.

Thinking of you, Bobbi.

How are you Bobbi. Thinking of you.

Bobbi I am so sorry that you're going through this. I am very familiar with a similiar situation, I grew up with it. When my father finally got help no one believed that he had a problem (how could he, they matched him drink for drink) and the idea that he could be abusive was so impossible.

He was able to maintain his "calm, cool, collected" appearance in public no matter what the situation. Even when someone went out of their way to antagonize him, he was able to remain calm. It was only at home that the monster came out. Leave your jacket or shoes in the wrong spot, put the dishes away improperly, or he would simply imagine a dirty look and WATCH OUT.

You said in one of your posts that "I know it's my fault". There is nothing about your husband's problems that is your fault. His inability to deal with stress is his own issue, and sadly there is nothing you can do to help him with this. It's all on him. If he ever gets to the point that he gets help, you can support him (I would hope from afar) but he has to do the work. The best thing you can do for everyone is leave. Right now you've taken on the role of enabler/victim, don't let him drag you down again.

You found the wisdom and strength to leave before, do so now. Any of your family or friends that does not support this self preservation act can eat cake. You don't owe anyone an explanation. You mention that you feel too old to start over, a friend recently left his wife of SIXTY YEARS. He is in good health in body and mind, but decided that "he should be happy for the last years of his life." He packed his bags and left. He only took his own personal belongings. He didn't want to punish her, just finally have a life of his own. We were all shocked. I loved his wife. I always thought he lacked a personality, but it turns out that she rode rough shot over him for all of these years. I still adore his wife, she's never done anything to me, but now I enjoy his company as well. He has a sense of humor that I've never seen before.

Hello Everyone, First off....TY all for your advise!.. I know you are all wright. I took some time for myself and went and visited an Aunt that lives in the mountains. It's away from everything, no computer, no cell phone, no city noises. Just the amazing sounds and beauty of mother nature as it was ment to be.

I didn't want to leave....it was like living on another planet. I actually made some important decisions, and dealing with me, myslef, and I. I realized that I am happiest when I am alone, with no one else telling me what is right for me. What to do, to stop feeling......I need to stop doing for everyone around me and start taking care of me. I can handle being alone, what is scarry, is being on my own. The prospect is scarry and exciting at the same time. Thinking of not answering to anyone but myself, would have never crossed my mind before. But now I envy those who can do this.
So this is going to take time. To find a place that doesn't have a waiting list is impossible, so while I was away I put my name on a few list. A waiting period from 9 to 12 mos.
But this will give me enough time to get things in order. My H and I had a long talk, he actually asked me if I was leaving? I told him yes, I am making arrangements. ( I was scarred to death) But he said that he had a suspicion I was for a while now. (HMMM, made me wonder if this is why he started drinking again). But I talked myself out of self blame game!!! I told him that I haven't been happy with our relationship for many years, and that too much has happened to get it back. The love is gone! I know longer respect you, or trust you. Even worse is I feel the same way about myself.

All I have ever wanted was someone to respect me and love me enough to allow me to grow with them. Not to Stifle me, as they took everything I could give. To appreciate me and my efforts, to appreciate my intellegence and not take advantage of them, as if it is expected of me to do these things.... I do because I want to, not because you expect me too................It just seems to me that you are never satisfied with anything!!! The more you get the more you want, and I have nothing left to give. Except my life, and that is mine!!

That was basically what was said, I did most of the talking. He hung his head and walked away. I'm totally stunned! I wasn't angry, loud, or abusive. I was just calm and assertive. I finally got my point accross and didn't give him a chance to come back at me.

While I was gone he actually finished my bedroom closet. But I kinda expected him to do something like that. So I just said thank you and started filling it. He hasn't said another word. He did his own wash and made his own meals, but of course he didn't wash a single dish. But that is a pet peve of mine. Can't stand a dirty kitchen.

So now, comes the hard part. Living with him til it's time to go. I just need to remain strong moving forward. I'm going to need help with this my friends, thank you all, for your wise and comforting words. I've taken the first few steps. I'm on my way!

WOW ((((((((bobbi))))))))!

That sure is a massive decision! I am proud of your strength and I am in awe of your ability to just do it...I really truly hope that everything turns out just perfect for you

I hope that your husband understands and is supportive of you,

Rhiannon

Good for you Bobbi! I'm so proud of you!

((((( Bobbi )))))

TY Guys,

I am proud of me to. I actually feel pretty darn good today. I feel like this huge weight has been lifted, I can breath. Lots of thoughts running through my head. I guess this is kinda what a manic episode feels like!!?

I've been down for so long that I forgot what it feels like to be "normal" and have energy, looking forward to something, a new free life. Although I don't want to get ahead of myself. I need to take one thing at a time so I don't over-whelm myself.

My words cannot express just how much everyone that has supported me, has ment. Without really knowing anyone, but in the same sence you know me better than my own family. So you have become the family and friends that I have wanted and needed my whole life.

Ty all for your kindness, support, and gentle natures, may your higher powers comfort you, and bless you. May you find the strenght to be your real self without judgement, but understanding and empathy.

I truely luv you all,
Peace be with you.
Bobbi

(((( (((( (((( ((((bobbi)))) )))) )))) ))))

Gently urging you along and letting you know that we are here with you every step of the way, and we support you 100% if you need to talk we are here,

(((( (((( (((( ((((manyhugs)))) )))) )))) ))))