[neri]

I'm not sure if I'm allowed to talk about this anymore here, since my first thread was closed, but I'm sure someone will tell me.

Yesterday I told the married guy who I was falling in love with, that we can't see eachother anymore, because I can't handle my jealousy and the pain that it causes. Saying this felt like sticking a knife to my own heart, and he was absolutely devastated too. I'm in so much pain right now! Mostly because I know I hurt him by pulling the carpet from under his feet like that. He understood my reason to do so though, because he has said (after the previous thread was closed) that he would never leave his wife and couldn't even imagine sharing his life with anyone else. (His wife DOES know he's been hanging out with me, btw). We had become really close friends, and he said he is crushed that he's gonna lose it like this and feels bad for not hugging me the last time we saw, because he didn't know it was going to be the last time. He said he was just starting to believe that he had found a friend who wasn't going to disappear from his life any time soon. I feel like I've totally betrayed him.

I don't know how to cope with all of this. I don't think I've stopped crying for more than an hour at a time since I told him. But I HAVE TO do what I think is best for me and my mental health in the long run, right? I was totally in denial before. The fact is, I can't handle being that close to someone, when I know it's NEVER gonna lead anywhere, and when it means so much more for me than for him. I thought, it's better to have this one incredibly painful process, than to go over the jealousy over and over and over again, for knowing that after talking or walking the dogs with me, he is always going to home to his wife. I asked him not to ask anything from me anymore, because I don't think I could say no to him, and losing this friendship is totally killing me too. It's just not enough for me I don't understand why life has to be this cruel, I've never known anyone like him before, or fallen so intensely to anyone or been so "in sync" with anyone. So of course he just has to be married! He said too, that it's just absurd that two people can be this connected, but because of it can't have anything to do with one another.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

((((((((neri))))))))

How devastating this is for you. I know that you know I didn't agree with what you were doing but that is in the past and I won't mention it again. You know if you can work through this and accept that you can be friends it will be a huge thing for you.

Star crossed lovers are intended to work out a way to be just together. I know that loving my partner so much, I would have been prepared to be his friend even though I was so in love with him that it hurt to see him. Luckily he was in love with me too and there was nothing and no one in the way. But I loved him enough to just be his best friend if he wasn't interested in me relationshipwise.

I think this could be the most mature and powerfully profound experience for you if you let it be. I would rather lose my jealousy and have a great friend than pine away for someone who should be in my life as that friend.

Sending you hugs of support,

Rhiannon

[El-ahrairah]

I'm glad you left him. That was a good move.

This guy sounds like he deserves every heartbreak pain he gets for being unfaithful to his wife and being with you and wanting to be with you even though it wont ever go anywhere.

[Belle1979]

As far as I can tell, the attraction was never acted apon, I think he is a good man for that reason.
What you seem to be going through (imo) is as basic as a relationship break up.. guilt, depression, anger, frustration.
You will be able to move past this and I hope that the hurt and guilt you are feeling subsides x

[neri]

He was my friend, I was his friend, his wife knew about it. Only I wanted it to be much more than that.

Yesterday he asked if we could see eachother just once more, because he thought it's just not right to just get this over with online on a messenger. I didn't think it was a good idea but he said it'd be fair to give him this one thing, because this was so sudden. So I agreed. But I didn't think I could handle seeing him like this and being sober, so I tried having a couple of drinks before he got here. And when that didn't seem to do the trick, I did a stupid thing and mixed some liquid tramadol in with the alcohol. That did make me totally numb, so in that sense mission completed. But when he came here, he just wanted to hold my hand and hug me, and he cried so much.. I felt like the most terrible person in the world for not being able to show any emotions. Sigh, I can't even put what goes on in my mind to words.. I'm a total jerk, worse than garbage for causing him that much pain. I can't help but thinking of doing something to myself.. but I know I won't, that would only make it worse

I WISH someday I can just be his friend, but not yet.. I can't help but being hurt for knowing that everytime he's with me, and even after yesterday, he is just gonna go home to hug his wife and I'll be alone. Eventhough he made it very clear earlier, that he would never even want to try sharing his life with anyone other than his wife, I STILL kept hoping even yesterday that he would just magically change his mind.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by neri

The fact is, I can't handle being that close to someone, when I know it's NEVER gonna lead anywhere, and when it means so much more for me than for him.

I would deal with this, rather than try to transfer it onto "guilt" over what you may/may not be doing to him. It's like he's getting a new job and you're still at the same old one (or he's moving to a new city and you're staying, etc.). There's loss here for you, grieve! I don't think you can get rid of any of it by reframing it as guilt.

[bridgie]

I think you have done well to think about yourself and your wellbeing. You should be proud of that. Any relationship that is toxic to our emotional and mental status is good to step back from. Having such strong feeling for soemeone that won't reciprocate can be very painfull. There are others here dealing with that too. This is just another learning experience on your life journey. Hopefully it gets easier and easier as you go along. And each new experience you can take what you've learned and apply it. This also leaves you open to other opportunities to meet someone that is free and open to be with just you.

(((((neri)))))

i AM sorry you are hurting so. you really did step up and make a very, very difficult decision (and you did the right thing!) and now it hurts like he!!. as others have said just let yourself grieve. please stay safe and not take any more drugs/alcohol to numb out, okay? it will get better even though i know you are in a ton of pain right now. i think what belle said is true--this is like a breakup for you, at least the feelings are the same. try not to isolate--reach out to your T and friends when you need to. maybe the good that will come out of this whole experience is that now knowing how very painful it is to get entangled with an unavailable man you will allow yourself to be with someone who is available. you do deserve happiness and love neri but unfortunately there aren't really any shortcuts in life.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Neri you are turning your disappointment into self hatred. That is abberated and you shouldn't do it. You don't hate him for not being in love with you, but you hate your self for causing him hurt.

Allow yourself to grieve the relationship that never was, and as the others say let it out of your system and then you may find room for friendship.

But please don't hate yourself, not for anything.

[boodles]

Wait my dear. Your first job in life is to take care of yourself. And bringing an end to this relationship is self-preserving your mental health. It was the absolute right thing to do.

Please try to think of this not in terms of guilt because his feelings are hurt. You did not hurt his feelings. You took an action to preserve your own mental health and sanity. Think of it as acting in your own best interest. That's what you did. Congratulations for taking action to protect yourself. I know it hurts, but try not to ruminate about it. Take steps to move forward and focus on the positives in your life. I know, so much easier said than done. And resist his attempts to reach out for you. That is frankly selfish on his part...is does him good, but only hurts you. That's not a friend.

[acrazynao]

It is very hard to seperate from someone you care about. I am in a similar situation but i am thinking of leaving my husband. even when you don't know if it is right or not only time can really tell you. good luck and just breathe. one way or another things will change

[neri]

I wish he would reach out. I wish he'd make it easy for me to take it all back. I wish I had never said anything. And when he came here for closure, I wish he had rather said he has changed his mind about loving his wife, instead of saying that he had hoped I would have come to terms with certain things. Unfortunately that last wish makes me realize that nothing would be different if I did take it all back. So on the other hand, I wish that I could move away from here, I wish I had the strenght to cut all the ties and make it easier for myself. Now I still have to see him occasionally. And it makes it impossible to pretend he doesn't exist and none of this ever happened. I wish I didn't have this much (?) to hold on to, because then I'd be free to do whatever I want.

[neri]

I noticed myself going through the 5 stages. I kinda just joked about it at first, but tonight at work I caught myself bargaining I didn't really feel bad at all, I kept reasoning and twisting things into it making sense for me to go and do take it all back. I really had to (and still do) fight the urge to do the bargaining with him instead of just witholding it in my head. When I first realized what it was that I was doing I kinda found it funny. I mean.. isn't it weird how sometimes the brain works all textbook-like? I laughed at first, but now I'm worried about the depression stage that should be coming next. I wonder how harsh it's gonna be and how long will it take to recover from this time..

[findingmyself1005]

Neri,

I have been in the same situaiton. Execept when i met this guy he had been serparted from his wife pending a divorce I have fallen for him within a short period of time. After only three months his wife deciced that she wanted him back. So for the next two yrs he had bounced between me and his wife. It tore me apart, but then it was like one day a light bulb went off in my head that i deserved better. I deserved to be numbr one. Its been three yrs now since i have broken it off. It was hard but in the long run i have felt better about myself. I know what your going through, but trust me when i say that it will get better in time.

[Lilleth]

I totally agree with boodles has written.

[serenity4559]

Amen Sisters!

I don't know what it is about the light bulb thing, but you are absolutely correct!

Keep up the good work, Neri. You've already done the hardest part, and that is to make a decision!

Now comes the footwork. I hear what you say about the bargaining.That is tough. I still struggle with that. The grieving process for me is scary, too. I have to choose every day to do those things that are healthy for me. And I never naturally just want to be healthy!

We have a saying, "Fake it until you make it!"

The fact that you are able to step back and watch yourself going through the stages of the grieving process is huge! Really, it's fantastic! If you can label it, you can claim it, and then you can do something about it. Ownership and empowerment are what it is all about, and that takes knowledge. So, congratulations!

And I know that daily practice and new healthy learned behaviors are hard at first. When I am just going through the motions of exercise, work, meetings, calling a friend to tell on myself, etc. I know that every single positive, healthy choice I make and take action on adds up. It might be a struggle, but if you keep on doing the next right thing, those days of hard work add up. Don't ask me how! But they do.

And then, despite ourselves, we slowly start to heal. Just remember, you are not alone. We are all here with you, going through similar struggles. We all have to make choices. And doing what I want is always easiest. But doing what I know to be healthy for me is always hardest! I keep on thinking, "I am smarter than this!" But man, when it comes to what I want, I kick and scream like a five year old. It's embarassing!

I just thank god for my buddies who meet me for coffee, and answer the phone, and don't mind the midnight text! I just keep on telling myself, "I am not a bad person trying to be good. I am a sick person trying to get well!" These little affirmations may sound corny, but they work. My personal favorite is "It's okay to have these feelings, it's just not okay to act on them!"

And when I slip, or start to backslide, I have to remember to take it easy on myself. Just tonight I was doing a little bargaining of my own! Instead of going out, I stayed in. And here you are, asking for help! So awesome! It's amazing how the recovery process works.

Do I still sometimes feel like a grieving widow? Sure. But, that is an improvement from a black widow! And, I am a grieving widow with friends! And soon you will feel like a single woman with friends.
It just takes time. So, keep up the good work and remember, you're worth it!

[neri]

Uh oh.. Well now I feel really guilty. I suppose I should confess too.. today I slipped, and asked him (online) how he was doing. I did try really hard not to, first I just typed it and then for like 10 minutes fought with myself, like "do NOT hit enter!" vs. "c'mon do it! you know it will make him happy!" Obviously I lost the battle, otherwise there would be nothing to confess. On the other hand I feel good about it (sorry), but I'm also soooo disappointed in myself!! I mean I should have the very LEAST made it a whole week! He answered that he's been faking that everything's fine but that he's actually miserable and at times when he's alone he totally falls apart. Whoa, a huuuuge guilt trip for me but also.. and I'm shamed to admit it, but it feels really nice that I could be that important for someone. I let him vent, he said there's been so many things he had wanted to tell me, and we talked, and it made him happy! I love making him happy..

Ugh.. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do now. I know I'm soooo not in the clear yet, my bargaining brain told me that maybe if I just stick with it, and stay his friend for like the next 5 years.. well, maybe he will change his mind later. Or maybe his marriage will break one day in the future, and I should just wait for it? I know it's stupid, I KNOW I know it's not accepting the facts, and it would be so wrong for me to be his friend while still having these false hopes. Then again, maybe I can deal with the jealousy if I can just think that maybe in a year, or two, or ten.. Sigh!

[Rhiannonsmoon]

I agree deeply with what findingmyself had to say.

This is difficult for you dear neri. I just think that people should have a clear idea of what you are going through and WHY you are going through it. Some people here seem to have the idea that he has done something wrong and he hasn't done anything wrong other than want you as a friend.

Those of us who know you are in love with him and cannot accept his friendship alone are really hoping that you do well and that you take care of yourself first.

This guy is NOT selfish and he never led you on in any way. So for others to blame him or look down on him is unfair. He loves you in the only way he can and that is as a dear friend. That isn't enough for you and so you are going through the stages of should I shouldn't I? That is natural and you recognise that which is really great.

Allow these feelings to run their course and see how you go. You know that we are here for you at any time day or night. You're doing well and no matter what, I am so proud of you my friend,

Much love and many hugs,

Rhiannon