So naggy!

Can I do anything right?! Everything I do is wrong. I don't do the laundry right because I put in the soap before filling it up with water. I didn't close the lid on the Goldfish. I roll cigarettes too tight. I put things in his 'walkway'. I don't wash my car enough. When I do wash my car I don't do it right. I don't vacuum it out enough. I apparently don't have the sense to drive because he will sit there and go 'you're good this way' every single time like I can't look or don't understand that I have to look both ways. I don't use the right gas station. The list could go on for the length of an encyclopedia.

I just realized that he has manipulated me into thinking I'm a ***** and that I'm stupid and I know I'm not. So then my question becomes 'what the hell is wrong with HIM?!' I'm so tired of being brought down. I know they're small things but when it's several things everyday, they start to wear on you.

Salukigirl, that sounds really hard. Have you ever talked with him about the way you perceive his comments? Could things change without a discussion? I don't know. Maybe there is a way to respond to his comments that would nip them in the bud?

What you wrote reminded me exactly of what Jennifer James (psychologist--not sure) used to lecture and speak about extensively. She called those daily criticisms we receive "slugs" and said women are especially prone to getting into family situations where their husbands and children and parents dish out these slugs to them continuously and it wears them down, they get depressed, feel resentful, etc. So she wrote and spoke about how women can deal with these slugs that their "loved ones" give to them. I searched for her online and found her website. Her name is Jennifer James and she has a book called, "Defending Yourself Against Criticism: the Slug Manual." This is the link for the book:
http://www.jenniferjames.com/products/book.htm

I don't know how she recommends dealing with these "slugs", but it might be useful for me to learn this too, as there are certain people in my life who dish out slugs to me whenever I am with them. It wears on me and prevents us from being closer.

Good luck.

Thanks. I'll check it out for sure.

Everything came out the other day because he overreacted about me not handing him the lighter quick enough. But then if I ever say anything like I won't put up with it then he says I'm threatening him or pulls the whole "I'm so glad you're willing to throw in the towel over something so little" which isn't true because this happens all the time but he turns it into me being not committed. Or says "well I guess this will get held over my head" and when I tell him to stop playing the martyr he either mocks me or does something that reminds me of a 12 year old. His arguing style is just so childish. It's impossible to actually get anywhere.

Sorry this is happening ((salukigirl)). What would happen if you said "how about you do all those things yourself? Is one of his parents overly critical? Let him know you don't need another father and it's a turnoff when he acts like a dad. You could let him kow in advance you're going to try this exercise - for one day, you're going to be him and he's you - then you let him feel what it's like to have someone nit pick your every move.

lynn - I have tried but I can't follow through because I'm just not that type of person. I always like to think that I could act the way he does but honestly, I just don't get angry like that and just kind of do things without little snippy comments. I always think about it after the fact like "man, why didn't I say this?" I sortof did earlier. I told him I had done dishes all week so I wasn't doing them tonight. He started getting ready to go to a friend's house and I said "so you REALLY not going to do the dishes?" and he walked to the kitchen saying something under his breath but ended up doing them and came out in a better mood. But that's the best I got haha.

I checked it out and the university offers counseling services to students but I couldn't find whether they offered it for couple's if the other person isn't a student here. So I think next week I'm going to go in and talk to someone and maybe during the session ask if it's possible for me to bring him with me. Or at least get some good ideas on how to approach him about it.

I understand that all this most likely is a manifestation of his insecurities. And on that note I know that fighting back and criticizing back wont make his confidence go up so I don't want to be the attacker. But at the same time I'm not going to sit here and baby his confidence while he treats me like crap.

What makes it worse is that my sister has been married to a man just like this for over a decade now and they're both miserable. She has flat out said if they didn't have kids together she would be gone and I don't want to get into that. So I want to leave but I genuinely want to believe he can and will "change". But then again I know you should never go into a relationship expecting change from a person. Ugh....I just don't know what to do. I don't want to keep going just to be in this same position in a year or two.

His dad is the same way. And the funny thing is that he gets so mad when his dad talks to his mom like that but then turns around and does it to me. I guess I want to work on it because I know he doesn't WANT to do it. Half the time he doesn't even remember saying the things he said. I have thought about actually breaking out a tape recorder during arguments because 10 mins later, he never said it (according to him).

Salukigirl, is this your boyfriend or your husband? I think the example of your sister's marriage is cautionary. Please do not have children with this man until you work things out.

Please let me know if you check out the Jennifer James book. I am curious about what she says. The more you describe, the more it sounds exactly like what she dealt with in her book, so I'm thinking, hmmm, maybe she has ideas for helping with this that aren't the ones that first come to mind?

Sounds like a good idea to try the counseling service at your school. At my school, as long as one person is a student, they can bring in their non-student partner for couples counseling.

I was in a long-term marriage where I put up with a lot of stuff from my spouse. I somehow became a doormat, even though before the marriage I was not a doormat-type person at all. My therapist said I didn't set boundaries for what was acceptable behavior from my H and what was not. I am not good at setting boundaries partly because I never know how to enforce them. Apparently, I needed to set boundaries, really be firm and draw a line in the sand, and be prepared with severe consequences if he did not respect my boundaries, such as leaving the relationship. And I never did that, until the very end, when I got divorced. I wish I had known much earlier about boundaries and had coaching on how to enforce them (because this was certainly not a skill I had or could just do on my own without someone telling me how, step by step--it was just so foreign to me). Another good book (wish I had read this years ago):
Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day by Anne Katherine

Good luck.

Lynn. Unfortunately I am broke so I might just go to the library and check it out.

I told him that I am going to talk to someone this week because now it's to the point where I can't see who is right and who is wrong in certain aspects. I know that I didn't set good boundaries at first and that was my bad but I don't expect to be walked on. I kind of expect people to understand that those lines are already drawn just by society's standards but I guess that isn't universal.

Today it was brought up again because I didn't want him to hold me this morning when we woke up so he was upset and snippy with me so, of course, it turned into an argument. I gave him examples of how naggy and annoying/childish he can be when he is upset or angry and supposedly he realizes it. However, without a consistent reminder or professional help, I don't expect things to change. So that's why I'm going to a T this week to see if we can get regular appointments going for both of us (cause God knows I'm not perfect either).

He did tell me some reasons why he is insecure which I have already heard and knew. When I told my sister that she said "Yeah, thats how J always pulls me back in too" which didn't give me any more confidence in the situation.

I guess I just have to keep an open mind and pay close attention over the next 5-6 months before our lease is up.

My wife thinks the same way of me. She believes that I think she does everything wrong. Not sure if this will help you, but I don't think that way of her at all, even if I complain. I am very appreciative of all the things she does and I love her for it.

Sometimes things aren't as they appear.

I don't want to be a brat, but I feel like you might be caught up in a vicious cycle and now you can't see which way is up. I think you have gotten yourself to think of everything he says in a negative manner when I don't think that is always the case. For instance, the whole telling you that there isn't any traffic coming from his side of the car might be him just trying to be helpful. I'm sure he knows you are very capable of seeing for yourself and that you know to look both ways, but maybe he thinks by telling you there's no traffic he's helping you. Also, I understand not wanting to be held in the morning, especially if you're already having trouble with your partner. But I can also see why he got upset. Granted, it shouldn't have turned into a huge fight, but I can see why it did. Basically, what I"m trying to say is that you're expecting him to be mean to you so whatever he says, mean or not, sounds mean to you and you react to it as if it is. And perhaps he's already expecting that response from you so he fits his side of the conversation to fit your reactions.

I'm not saying that he isn't being overly critical or that this is entirely in your head, because that is simply not the case. Many of the other things you mentioned sound as if he is being overly critical and that you both would probably do well with some couple therapy, or even individual therapy. At the very least, therapy might help you two get out of this cycle and start to get back to the reasons you guys got together in the first place and the reasons you are still together now. I actually really like the idea of tape recording during a fight. It would give you both some perspective and maybe a starting point to start working on yourselves.

Let us know how therapy goes! And I really hope I didn't offend you, just wanted to give you another point of view.

Good luck!!

That's exactly what I said the other day. I told him that I feel like I am so used to the mean comments that now I automatically get defensive even when it's not necessary. His facial expressions and tone do not change. Ever. That is not an exaggeration. I have had several friends tell me that he was 'inanimate' or couldn't tell if he was joking or not. So things come across as mean no matter how he says it. I literally have to ask him how he means certain comments. And now I feel like I am just so used to that blank expression that everything sounds mean.

Has he always had that blank expression and tone? Or is this a way of his deliberately withdrawing from you? Sometimes men express anger by withdrawing. Just wondering if his behavior and flat affect is due to anger. Other people just naturally have curbed affect. But they could learn methods to help with communication to their partner. Kind of like we use smilies here to help communicate the feelings associated with our blank words.

I understand when he gives me his reasons for acting the way he does and putting up that emotional wall to keep people out. But after a couple years I'm just fed up. It's like, yeah you had a crappy childhood! Good for you! Suck it up and get the hell over it!

I just can't baby someone for 2 years trying to squeeze blood from a turnip when he's just playing the victim. I don't withdraw from him and blame it on my abusive ex from 5 years ago! Like dude.....GROW UP! You are 27.....with a masters. And you can't get over stuff that happened to you in high school?! It just feels a little pointless sometimes.

It sounds like he could use a therapist of his own to work through these issues and start breaking down some of those walls. Perhaps it is time to make that suggestion and see if your school can offer any recommendations for therapists off campus. Make it clear that you feel this is necessary in order to save your relationship. Though, I still think couples therapy would be good idea.

Good luck, Saluki!

Thanks everyone! Since our talk the last couple days have been better. He has made it a point to laugh or smile to show me he is joking which has made it easier. I'm now realizing that most of what he says is really joking and not supposed to be mean.

Just wanted to offer some support here. This is the best way to put the soap in first because it stops clagging and hardening of soap that gets caught in the clothing or material.

As for all the other things, I can only suggest that his mother or father did nothing other than do the same to him and brought him up to be a complainer.

Don't let him do this to you saluki, you are a woman in your own right and do not need someone to tell you what to do and how to do it.