SA Alert, Need Info and Support (long)

Known around here as a lesbian but hey, I just started dating a man. A good looking, smart, caring, sensitive (can read my moods before I have them) man.

We are both bipolar and we are both taking meds and going to therapy. Still don't have bipolar issues between us.

I found out that when he was 13 he had sex with his friends mother (his idea or so he says). He spent the next 5 years with this woman. I refer to her as a pedofile because he was 13 and she was um like 40. Okay, here's the tough part. I told him that according to the law and to the DSM V, pedofilia is not only illegal but a mental illness on her part. He's surprisingly balanced, or so I thought until I told him this and he said that doesn't count because he wanted the relationship. So the relationship evolved and he took 18 years away from her to start his own family. So he runs back into her and the relationship starts up again. This woman has twisted him in some pretty messed up ways. She practiced S&M with him, yeah, riding crop whippings, hand cuffs and he's got a box in a closet that would rival a small European sex shop. We don't visit that box at all. He does not see how she has stunted his maturity and how much damage she has done.

This was all revealed to me slowly. Sometimes I wonder if his choice of intertainment (video games and he's got hundreds by the way), doesn't watch tv at all. As a matter of fact, he doesn't have a tv (unless he gets a converter box).

When I first started dating him she kept calling him to bring her his vallume and goes through about 3 bottles of wine a day. Many times he can't understand what she is saying because she is so messed up. He told her don't call him, he's not going to be her little slave boy. I had hope at that point but then he got worried about her and started calling her.

Let me tell you guys about those calls. I cry as I write this and I am not one for tears. I hear "I love you, you are not being replaced", "no, I won't give you her name". She called all of his friends and emailed them trying to get my name. Anyway, she knows that I am his girlfriend and that they are not getting back together even though from what he has said, they have parted and gotten back together time after time, but there has never been someone like me as his girlfriend. Last night she wanted to come over to his house which I am staying at until I can get the proper support and feedback (and yeah, I want honesty even if it hurts). But that support is so important to me. I am so ashamed that I didn't know all this before I started to stay with him. I even have my cats with me. I am not impulsive by any means and haven't even dated in like 3 years.

He says he worries about her. I told him I didn't want to hear about the painful things she did to him. I don't want to hear about the beatings and the emotional abuse but was stunned tonight when he said he was going to lunch with her tomorrow. I said in healthy relationships you don't tell your current love such disgusting and degrading sexual things and not expect that person not to be horrified, frozen in so many feelings.

I thought I had a good head on my shoulders but not ready to leave without the proper support in place.

I thought with therapy and her out of the picture he could heal and thought he had a good handle on it. But he doesn't understand why I cry and get upset when I hear him talk to her and tell her she will always be in his heart, that he loves her but not as a lover. That she was the love of his life.

They talk about once a day. I thought, I'll just go in the other room so I won't hear. Then after he gets off the phone he says he feels that I abandoned him because I didn't stay in the room (but I have to be quiet while he's on the phone so he can hear her).

All this stuff still spells sick, sick, sick and more sick.

I need all the support and feedback really. It will help me figure out that I am not jealous because I don't want to stay in the same room, I don't want to see the handcuffs and the whips and the many dildoes (there has to be at least 10), some kind of ball for the mouth (what this has to do with love making I do not know. I thought blow up dolls were just batchelor party jokes but I saw it and he had to tell me what he did to it too.

I know I should leave as soon as possible. I know she is not capable of having a mature loving relationship. I know I am.

Whenever he's not around (which is not often because he always wants to be around me (except of course for tomorrow) I cry my eyes out and he doesn't understand because he says he loves me and it's just lunch (I really don't care at this point). This guy is already trying to get me on his lease and he doesn't have a job, will be going to art school soon (but that doesn't pay the bills). His mommy is paying the bills and they do not have a good relationship.

He is sleeping on the couch right now so I write this. I am crying so hard I just had to take a break to upchuck dinner. I've not had my heart broken so many times and yet when we are together (90% of the time) he acts like the loving, caring, affectionate, gentle person I thought he was.

I know all this sounds sick and I may be rambling but you all have been a main source of support for over 4 years.

Please write back and let me know you care. I've never needed help this much before. I will be calling the hotline tomorrow (not sui at all just desperate for help on healing and getting back to my apartment at the right time with my cats safely.

I feel like this woman has warped this man for life.

I'm going to be okay. I'm going to take my nightly meds and do some breathing techniques and sleep. Then I am going to get up and log on here after I talk to the VA hotline.

I thought she was out of his life and now she's not. I thought that box of ugly, disgusting sex toys would eventually go into the trash. I wasn't aware that mommy was paying the bills.

I'm not going to rush off and pack my stuff and get a ride from someone just to get away from him. I'm going to read your feedback and listen to the hotline counselor and then probably pack my stuff when the time is right...like when he's not around or maybe since he wanted me here, he should be the one to take me and the cats home. I'm just so confused and conflicted. I guess saying that I'm not thinking rationally is an understatement. But I trust you all.

Please help me.

Just talked to the crisis counselor. I've decided to pack the few things and my cats when he is not around and return to my apartment. I will leave a short note with no details (counselor said not to write anything that he can throw back at me later). I have no car but I will have to get a friend to pick me and the cats and my few things I have here home. It may even mean staying here for a day or two until I have the safest plan in place.

This man is not physically abusive but he's not ready to have a relationship with an adult (except for maybe her and even though she is 60, I still don't consider her an adult).

I don't have a car, so I will need the help of a friend with a car.

I'll be checking in often for feedback and support. My tears have dried for now. I have taken the prescribed amount of my anxiety medicine and I have my cats with me.

I decided to leave because I deserve better. He acts like every off the wall bizzare thing he tells me is normal. Maybe in this relationship with this woman, that is normal. Guy is totally preoccupied with sex. Even if we are not having it, he's had his hands down his pants which makes me very uncomfortable. I just cleaned the kitchen from a late dinner and a file folder came down that wasn't mine when I moved the coffee and the sugar canisters.

Seems I'm not the only one who's had a problem trying to have a relationship with him...countless leters to his ex, in addition to women he's slept with inbetween, oh yes, and his best male friend who's married. I met the woman and she is torn up inside over it and I don't blame her. Neither one of them feel bad because they said "it was just sex".

I will keep you all updated...those of you who could stomach the depravity of this man's concept of love and sex and everything that it entails.

Thank you all for reading this and encouragement and support would still be greatly appreciated.

Hey futz, just reminding you that I care and I'm so proud of you for making the decision to leave. "It's just sex" is a disgusting hint at his lack or moral conscious over sleeping with a MARRIED man. If he didn't think anything of it then I'm sure if this relationship were to continue with you he would cheat on you with the same disgusting excuse of " it's just sex". That is immature and immoral.

I will be thinking of you, leave that future less loser ASAP!

Hi dearheart ~ I too am proud of you. I'm very glad that you are getting out of this sick relationship. This guy just is NOT ready for a HEALTHY relationship. That is what YOU were giving him - a healthy relationship. But he doesn't know what he had in you. You were the BEST thing for him -- he just can't see that.

Please stay away from him. He's just too sick. You WILL find someone who DESERVES you. Just be a little patient. God bless you sweetie. Take care. Hugs, Lee

Hi NF,

I wish I knew the right thing to say... but maybe there is no right thing to say. The thing I most want to say is that I think you are handling this in a way where you are being very mindful and aware, which is the very best you can do. It just isn't fair that you had this good connection to this guy but the situation has turned out to be altogether too much. But I am with Leed. It sounds like this man needs help and he just needs to find it for himself. Maybe he will, but it is not your problem to deal with. There are some things that are just too much. And we cannot change people.
You have reached out and asked for help. (And decided to leave) The best you can do.
What a difficult time. Many many safe hugs and good wishes to you. And supportive thoughts for strength and healing.

Your glbt friend,
Elana

(((nukthfutz)))) i am incredibly sad for you. what a horrible experience. please stay safe from both of them. you have decided to do the very best thing for yourself and your wellbeing. these two ppl are imho very, very demented.
we are all here for you. you have always been so supportive of us. and know the same applies to you. it will take time to heal but you will. your inner strength and courage shows through. keeping you in my prayers. i'm so glad you are leaving. i know you have concerns re car, etc but it will all work out. i just know it will. you value yourself enough to leave. and we value you too.

Thank you so much for your support. It's like your hearts and arms reached out to me. Woke up and was informed he cancelled his lunch all on his own. That doesn't remove the other obstacles. It's gonna be hard because he's always treated me like a wonderful, loving woman (just doesn't know not to share the ugly stuff). So he will be around. I'm leaving when he's out to stay safe (advice from the crisis counselor). He's never been anything but a gentlemen except in sharing in that way. This is not to say I'm not leaving because I am. But it gives me the opportunity to say goodbye to him in my own way.

Had she not warped him the way she did, this guy would be a keeper. I do love him, but I will just have to carry him in my heart in the future.

I'll keep you updated on my progress.

Just wanted to get back to you and let you know I'm doing much better and will let you know when I leave and then it will hurt like hell because dispite the sex stuff, yes, this guy is a keeper.

Thank you all for reading the nasty stuff above. I know it was hard to read.

Just goes to show you, this is a great place in all ways, but a life saver when life hands you lemmons. You all have really come through for me.

Cyber kisses and hugs.

Dear NF, be careful. While the man has many qualities you enjoy, that relationship with that 60+ woman is toxic. As soon as you can move out and do not let the man know. You might even change your phone number. You can meet him for lunch...coffee...maybe do some fun stuff. But you need some distance safe distance between each other. Perhaps invite him to therapy with you and you and your T discuss how toxic that other relationship is to him and you. Or go with him to his T and discuss it. It was very smart of you to call the crisis counselor. SA has many forms but all of them are lethal. i was so hopeful that you found a nice guy...but...sometimes you just have to say NO for your own safety. Maybe you can still be in that guys life but only at a safe distance. Personally, i think good-bye forever is the healthiest decision. However, i do not have any feelings for the man either. So i am guessing it is scary and conflicting. May you continue to consult your T and crisis counselors when needed and may you find and feel supported here. We have never met, or talked in chat, so i do not know if you have any history with SA. It can change how the brain develops if started at a young age. Something happened to those two individuals. You cannot change them. At best you can pray for them however you pray...be it to a god or not. i would like to send you some strength to get through these up coming trying days. If an invisible hand to squeeze will help, then i will send you mine. Gentle hugs.

(((Nucking Futz))) - I'm sorry this is happening but as the others said, you're taking the right steps for yourself. Is he on the right meds - this might be why he's sexually promiscuous, in addition to being manipulated by that woman. It sounds like he has problems with being assertive and dependent on women - his mother and this woman.

One red flag is - he doesn't have a job. As you said, he has a pattern with this woman and you would end up hurt by this. I think he and the woman suffer from co-dependency issues. It's fine to be friends with him, just guard your heart. You're right, you deserve better.

((((NF)))) I'm so sorry this is ending up this way for you. You are doing all the right things for yourself. Continue to do what you need to do to keep yourself safe

(((((NF)))))

I am sorry you are going through this, but I am extremely proud of you for putting your health and well being first. It sounds like you can see that this man is unhealthy for you, as he is not able to be healthy for himself at this point. He definitely has issues that have nothing to do with you, and it's not your job to fix them. I suggest not trying to fix them either because you will put yourself in a role of co-dependency and right now, you need to take care of you.

This relationship he is having with this woman sounds gross and scary. It definitely sounds like she still has her hooks in him and it sounds like he is comfortable with that for one reason or another.

Be gentle with yourself now. Notice that, even though you may feel confused and hurt by this, you were able to identify this unhealthy situation BEFORE it got any further out of control and you initiated self care and are working towards changing your situation for the better. That's AMAZING!!! It's PROGRESS on your part to even be able to do that so it's a very good thing you're doing for yourself.

I'm here for you and I support you in taking care of yourself. Keep posting as you need too. I know you can get through this. It may hurt, but you will be okay as you are learning to be able to trust yourself to keep yourself safe.

Big hugs...if okay!! ((((()))))

Staying safe. My friend next door whom I have known for 4 years and I came up with a plan for me to stay that way. He cancelled his lunch with his ex all on his own and hasn't mentioned past lovers. This by no means of course gets him out of hot water.

He has a therapist and so do I. His goals say he wants a healthy relationship and I have refused to enable him in any way.

When we were together intimately a few days ago he recognised the gentleness and love and passion. I think he was shocked that intimacy can be even better without whips and the like.

Still leaving, but making the plans carefully and slowly...he's never been violent with me and he knows he has the very issues I've written about.

I just wanted to write that we have been good to eachother (aside from the "let me show and tell you about my sexual past").

For some reason, he's not doing it.

I also wanted to say I really appreciate the support I am getting on this because I felt like was trying to convince me that telling me and showing me about his past was normal. I think he's got the idea.

Like I said, I am just keeping you abreast of the situation and as I move on, you will know.

Thank you all for being here...sometimes you all are better than any bezo that I could numb my feelings with (not that I am in a habit of doing this.

I just want to say thanks.

Hello

I am responding because you asked for support, and I am listening, and I do care, and I am sorry.
I don't have much to offer other than what people have said. To be honest, it is hard for me not to be judgemental, because I just want you to be okay and contact with this man is not at all good for you in any way, iMHO.

However, having said that, I am not in your shoes, and cannot feel exactly what all of this means to you. I just want you to now how much I admore that you are lloking at change and that you are taking steps to improve your life. You deserve SO much more and hopefully you will realize this.

So much for trying not to sound judgemental.. but in no way, in my mind, is this man a "Keeper."

Still with him. It's been 24 hours without any mention of any sex stuff. Not saying I'm staying but things have gone well.

I think his best friend Dan had a little talk with him because he's not bringing up anything to do with the inappropriate or kinky or hurtful. Still not saying I'm staying.

I can see how she warped him. How inapproprate things are just "normal" to him. He's been learning not to do those, how they are warped things. Still not staying.

I wish there was a way that I could though.

I have a lot of empathy because he was the victim and not the perpetrator in the "relationship" that they had.

Thanks for not judging me or him and thank you for all your emotional support. I will still keep you updated.

Hugs, NF

Still not going either.

(((((((((Futz)))))))))

Just saw this post. Hon you know that I am here for you no matter what. I think you should leave and tell him when he is over her completely you might be ready to be in a relationship with him but in the meantime he needs to mature and stop leaning on you as a way of dealing with her.

I'm with you all the way...but consider what Notz has said. The longer you stay there the harder it will be to leave; he needs help that you can't give him,

Blessings and Hugs to you

Wanna bet. Just got an email and my sister and her husband who love me unconditionally are expediting my move to Vegas. I'll be out of here within a week (and back to my place to pack starting tomorrow). I'll write more about this in a new thread.

Excellent news! You go girl! (literally)

go, go darlin as fast as your feet will carry you, he may seem wonderful but im sure given space and time you will see he is not.

No, bottom line his basic nature is one of kindness, his talk of graphic sex is a learned bahavior from growing up (that doesn't make it okay in my book). I am seeing so much that is so wrong. He is definately not grounded in reality. Guy's nuts! Move is set for the beginning of March.

His freudian slips lead me to believe that he can have her and me at the same time. Every commitment to me so far has been broken...even the little things like cleaning the closet, working on our relationship with me and talking to her for hours and going to visit her. His spending is out of control. I have no control over none of these things. He doesn't want to give up their friendship and says he cannot stop caring about her. Those are works I just typed as he said them to her while she is on the phone with him.

I am so glad I pulled back emotionally. I'm seeing the psychosis that I never looked for before. There are three people in this relationship and it seems he can't hear that.

But bottom line, I'm really glad I'm moving to Vegas to be near family. No more crazy neighbors, no more crazy significant others.

go go! Wait ....march?

I move to Vegas to March. I have my own apartment here in Austin. I move back there as soon as possible...like tomorrow.

He made love to me last night, told me it was wonderful then spent the night at her house, came home, asked him to take me home. He said he would because basically, "she wishes you would drop dead". This is not a healthy relationship.

Hello. I am sorry for what you are going through. I am going to be a little harsh and have a stab in the dark here. Tell me if I am right.

This guy has some very nice things about him, which you clearly like. But with it he is also emotionally abusive to you.

You sound in your posts terrified, scared and in panic. Trust yourself honey. There is a reason for that.

The guy shares intimacy with you and then tells you that another woman he is with wants you dead. God! That would really scare me.

I am not writing this to scare you further. I am writing this to encourage you to trust yourself. You need to get out of there.

You have your cats and your loving family. You have your own flat - just take your cats and your stuff and go to your flat. After few days of no contact with him you can re-assess. And keep writing here.

Tell me how you are. I am sending you big hugs xxx

it def isn't ;[ I'd personally hold off on the sex, for me having sex is to get emotionally closer.... it is probably a good idea to avoid him and having sex with him <3