Boyfriend and lack of initiative

I've been dating my boyfriend for just under a year now and I'm really getting frustrated with his lack of drive and initiative. We have both had our challenges over the past 4 years. I have Bipolar and he is a recovering alcoholic. He lost his drivers license due to ramifications of his drinking and got laid off last year as well. I also got laid off last year so we have had lots of time to spend together.

During this time, I have been dealing with issues from my Bipolar and rebuilding my life. I'm now in serious job hunt mode and he's been able to get his license for about 9 months now. I've brought it up a few times but he gets upset about it so I haven't mentioned it again. He has some interesting things going on with his ex and he could potentially get custody of his daughter so this friend told him he needed to get his license. I researched the fee and mentioned it to him and he said it was more than that and shut down again whioch frustrates me to know end. Since the direct approach hasn't worked I've started teasing at various times I'm just the chauffeur, etc.

I drive him everywhere and he rarely if ever offers me money for gas. I'm getting sick of driving him everywhere. I'm a planner and preparer so I feel that he should go get it in case I do get a job or he does get the custody of his daughter.

He also doesn't seem to have drive on the work front. He is extremely smart but did not have the same upbrining as me which it was expected you would go to college and get a good job. He lived in the UK and didn't even finish HS and he went into the trades. He has worked in construction for a large portion of his life and most recently worked in retail. People in his AA program have said what a great counselor he would be and I agree. I've mentioned stuff about going back to school and he just shrugs his shoulders and drops the subject.

I've mentioned things about not having any responsibility and he says he likes it that way. I don't think this is really realistic if he wants custody of his daughter and it drive me nuts, but what am I to do.

My boyfriend is very loving, kind, caring and compassionate, very good with people especially kids, loves to give by cooking for us, but I'm very worried about his drive and what appears to me lack of goals and ambition.

My ex-husband was a total jerk when it came to the emotional side of things but was very driven. Now I have the complete opposite. My boyfriends love and support is much healthier for my disease but I come from a long line of driven people and I'm having a hard time with this.

Any input or ideas?

Hi, Divorced Woman. I think the crux of the matter is your being driven and having a hard time with his not being like you.

Were I you, I would try to enjoy him as he is (which sounds like you pretty much do, the emotional part) and start backing off on the driving him everywhere, have other things to do or otherwise be unavailable some of the time? Instead of organizing your life and his, just stick to yours and make him ask if you will drive him X place at Y time; don't be available on the spur of the moment and be a bit uncertain whether you will be available in advance. Next time he tells you of an appointment, tell him you would like $5 for gas and time each time you drive him somewhere? Don't do him any "favors" or baby him, bargain with him as if he were a partner!

It's hard, being a woman and not stepping in to help but think of it as an experiment to see what he will do on his own and how he "operates" without you? My husband and I have opposite attitudes too, I'm a "planner" and he is more "spontaneous" but I learned to live with that somewhat by his explanation of toilet paper changing behavior

You know how you are "supposed" to change the toilet paper if you use the last bit? Well, he never does and I confronted him on that and how rude it was, etc. He came back with explaining how his thinking was it makes no difference if you change it if you are the last one to use it or if you change it if you are the first to need it. He had me there!

I bet if you do not drive him some places he needs to go, he will find another way to get there or get his license or otherwise "cope". If he does not, if he just sits and complains that you aren't solving his problems, then you will know he truly has a problem you don't want to be part of?

Hey DivorcedWoman,

I agree with Perna - What would he be doing if you weren't driving him around all the time.

Sometimes men need different types of pressure or influence than women do to respond. they see our "reminders" as nagging.

If you just stop driving him places, he's going to have to get his license, especially if he's going to get custody of his daughter.

And let me ask you this - when you met him, had he already lost his license? Is it possible that you were looking for someone to take care of, or to help? I have tended to do that in my life...look for men that needed help, tending, fixing, taking care of....I'm also very driven but was dating men that were not...also not driving...it made me feel good to be needed and "help" someone. But after a while I realized I wanted someone who could take care of me a little too.

I know you said he's loving but not driven - it's possible there is someone out there that is loving AND wants to do things for themself....

Thanks for the input and advice. So one of the things he relies on me for is to pick up and drop off his daughter for his visits. He has found other people to do this when I've been out of town or when my son was sick. I tend to be available during those times so would it be weird that all of a sudden I'm unavailable to do those things for him after close to a year of doing them?

I am quite frankly really getting a bit tired of it but I don't want to be mean since I am available. But then again I guess if I'm readily available he won't really have an incentive to get his license. Do you have any suggestions of how I can do this without appearing to be mean/unsupportive?

He didn't have his license when I met him but has been able to get it for around 9 months now. We've discussed it a few times but he says he is fearful and that it's going to cost a lot and he doesn't have a lot of money. He kind of gets a bit defensive about it so I've dropped the topic and as I've said try to highlight in other ways like oh, I'm just the chauffer, etc. Hoping he will get the hint.

I don't have a lot of dating experience as I was with my ex-husband for 20 years so I don't know if I'm necessarily picking guys to save the world. My ex-husband was extremely driven but was emotionally unsupportive. I do think there may be something there to picking someone that is needy because I've gone through some difficult life transitions and definitely felt a little needier and low on self esteem. I also felt drawn to the fact that my boyfriend has some difficult life events and issues and that we could relate on that level as well.

Because of my educational and career background I make quite a bit of money. I'm not asking him to be on the same playing field as me but it would sure be nice if he would contribute more. I guess time will tell. I've talked about it with my counselor and she said we definitely have a conflict in values, but I will defiinitely explore it deeper with her as well.

Thanks again for the insight.

From what you're saying, I think it's time for some 'tough love.' As long as you're enabling him, he's not going to change.

So I brought up my frustration with the driver's license issue and he said he would get it so we will see when that happens. I also shared some other frustrations about not discipling his daughter consistently because she is having a rough time at her mom's house. I got very frustrated and needed to retreat to my bedroom. I was angry and didn't feel like talking to my boyfriend which he did in turn. Now we are both angry and not talking to each other. He stays at my place a majority of the time and about noon today he started packing up his laptop. I was pissed and said so do you want to go home now and he said yes. He will have to find another way to take his daughter home which I'm sure his mom will do. Now I feel bad I didn't want him to leave and I do love him, but I'm still pissed. Do I call him as normal tonight? Send a text saying goodnight or what? May seem like a lame question but I don't have a great deal of experience.

Sometimes things like that need to blow over.
Depending on how mad you are you can text or call him if you want.

You do have a right to get pissed in the relationship. Your feelings are valid but he is going to react to them -I get mad at my husband but I don't like when he reacts to my getting mad. it takes some getting used to!

Thanks for the input. I was really tired last night so I decided not to call or text him. I go to bed earlier than he does and he didn't call or text me either. Two friends I talked to said to let him process things for a day or two and then maybe send a text are you still mad at me or something along those lines. I'm meeting with my counselor tomorrow morning and she always has good advice so looking forward to hearing what she has to say.

I'm not really that angry anymore and I miss him but at the same time it feels good to have a break. I guess another thing that is hard for me is I was married for so long we didn't really have a chance to take a break for the most part and we many times worked on the issue at hand or let them die down and move on.

Like I said he spends a majority of his time at my place so I was a bit perturbed when he started packing his things without saying he was going to stay at his place that night. I felt very upset and in a sense abandoned. I have always had abandonment issues which is something I'm working on with my counselor. He knows about these issues I have as well so it seemed even more hurtful. Yes, we weren't getting along but we couldn't really talk about it because our kids were around. It brings up fears I have that he will just up and walk away if he doesn't like something.

I guess a little time apart might be good though for both of us to process and decompress. I do have a tendency to let things build up and then get very upset plus I am sensitive so some things tend to affect me in a deeper way than others and I can tend to overreact.

Another thing I'm pondering through this stuff is that I feel loved by him but at the other time I feel a bit used. Like I've mentioned I do all of the driving and pay for groceries and a good portion of our activities. If I lend him money too he says he will pay me back but rarely does.

By nature I am a giver and I do have quite a bit more money than him, but in our earlier days he always offered to pay for things at different times. I had to bug him about it a few months ago and he started contributing more to things. I hate to say it and I feel awful for even saying it but does anyone else think he could be using me? I've never been in this situation before so I feel a little unsure. Am I grasping at straws here?

I have some major abandonment issues myself, so I understand not wanting to be abandoned, but what is he actually doing for you?

I have also been the primary or sole breadwinner in many of my relationships. It's awkward sometimes as a woman to do this, but also awkward for a man, who is used to being "the man, the provider, etc" to be put into the situation where he isn't in that role. It sounds like where you are a giver, your boyfriend is a taker, and takes all the help from you and whoever else will give him stuff, rides, etc. It's never a good idea to lend money to people you know - give it as a gift because you won't expect it back.

I know you are a smart woman. And if you're thinking these things, there's probably good reason for them. go with your gut and follow your instincts. if you are feeling used, then you are probably being used. And I know you miss him, but do you miss him, or the comfortability of having him there.

I am very jaded (hence the name) when it comes to men and dating, but I'm wondering what you are getting out of this relationship. you are driving him around, you are paying for activities...you are lending him money....it sounds like he is your son....and please, I say this from being in the exact same situation with men in my life...i say this out of caring and total understanding...but I can tell you it can be so much better too.

i really hope you aren't offended but i think you can do so much better.

You can PM me if you want.

I am the same way - for whatever reason I go after guys I think I can "fix". I am extremely driven and go for everything I want. I work all the time and like it. My bf is the opposite. He has been done with his masters research for over a year.......I used to nag and beg for him to work on it but it just doesn't happen. He gets frustrated with it, puts it down and wont look at it again. It bothers me that he isn't driven like I am but if that's what he wants, that's what he wants.

Does his not being driven impede on your growth personally, professionally or otherwise? I think there is a difference between being lazy and relying on others for everything and just being okay with getting by. If he is bringing home some money or at least looking for work etc....vs sitting on the couch not doing a damn thing.

Maybe he is just perfectly fine being just 'okay'? I always have to be the 'best' at everything. Makes for a lot of frustration and some crying lol but everyone is different.

What you need to figure out is if you need someone like that. Are you okay being with someone you feel isn't driven enough for you? Have you ever thought that maybe you are not okay with his not being driven because of how it might reflect on you?

I just know it sucks having to explain to people "my boyfriend started his masters in 2008 and still isn't done". But I have to keep telling myself that others' success doesn't say anything about me as a person. Just wondering if you thought maybe that could be an underlying issue?

I guess I just didn't know what to expect. We've both been out of work for a while so we both had down time and time to mess around and that was fun while it lasted, but I started freaking out a bit about the financial side of things and knew I needed to work harder on the job hunt so I've recently been pushing really hard to get a job. He hasn't lifted a finger to find work and seems pretty content with his unemployment check. I did get into a space with questioning things when I was talking with a friend that is very much into labels, degrees, salaries, etc. and it did make me feel a bit pressured that my boyfriend wasn't even looking or anything and it did make me feel a bit pressured that he doesn't have a degree, high salary etc as we live in a very affluent community and housing is expensive. But then again, my ex-husband was very driven and affluent but he was a micromanager and emotionally inept. My boyfriend is very supportive, loving and caring. I don't expect him to make as much money as I do, but of course I want him to work and not sit on the couch and watch the news all day and sleep in until 9:30 or 10 every morning.

I am a real people person and have been in committed relationships over half my life. I feel happier and more stable when I'm with someone and do enjoy the teamwork aspect of a relationship too.

I have some issues with self-esteem, abandonment, mental illness, etc. so I have my flaws. With my illness there will be ups and downs so dare I be so judgemental about my boyfriend's struggles or traits so to say.

I do love him dearly but I guess I will have to see what happens as our relationship progresses and if I can live with the issues or not. I tell my girlfriend if I could take the drive from my ex and the heart of my boyfriend I'd be set with everything I want. My boyfriend is a special person and a few people mentioned that there are peope out there that are caring and driven as well. I'm a bit of a skeptic. I did a fair amount of dating about a year after my divorce until I met my current boyfriend 3 years later and I didn't find that I had physical chemistry with many of the men I dated. There was one that I talked to on the phone and we corresponded as well and everything sounded good and looked good on "paper" but he was not attractive at all. I didn't want to be rude and leave on the spot. I don't want to break up with him as I love him, but I don't know if I can live with things the way there are so stagnant and no progress whatsoever. I received from very good feedback so I think I will work with what I have right now and not go back into that dating cesspool again.

So here's the latest update. I met with my counselor on Monday and she said there was no right or wrong way to do things. If I felt like calling him, call him. I called him after the appointment and apologized for my behavior and invited him to come over that night. He said he was very hurt and needed time. Me being the planner that I am said will do you need a day, two or what. He said he didn't know. He also didn't apologize for anything. He did at least tell me how he was feeling which doesn't happen very often.

So we have talked every day one or two times a day. I'm not asking him how his is feeling, etc. we are just talking about what we did that day and very superficial stuff. I offered on Monday and don't want to offer again. I feel that the ball is in his court and he can tell me when he is ready.

I've been keeping myself super busy and planned a full day with my son today so we are busy at the time we usually go to pick up his daughter. He mentioned that he was picking her up. I didn't ask who or how he was getting her.

My son wanted to call him last night and of course was asking him when he was coming over and if he would be at his baseball game on Saturday but he just said maybe, but I'm not promising anything.

So, I don't want to freak out or overanalyze things but WTF. How much time does he need? Is he ever going to communicated it to me? Does he want to break up?

I'm just moving forward and planning my life as a singleton. I'm a thinker and overanalyzer so this time is making me batty. Everyone, especially jadedmoonbeam has given me some excellent advice and it's made me think a lot. I have been waking up really early in the morning 1 to 3 hours earlier than usual this week and I've been forcing myself to stay in bed but I sure hope it doesn't continue as we all know what happens when our sleep is continually inbterrupted. Anyhow when I got up this morning, I did a list of Pros and Cons to our relationship and just wrote a list of how I was overall feeling about things. It was very helpful.

As I mentioned in my earlier post, I have abandonment issues so my fears/feelers are up with this whole space thing. Now I'm thinking maybe when he's had enough time, we should ease back into things and not spend so much time together. If we aren't spending as much time together and he doesn't get his stuff together like getting his license, etc. it would be a lot easier to cut the cord if we aren't spending as much time together plus if he isn't spending as much time over he has to buy his own groceries, etc.

I meet with my counselor on Tuesday so that will be helpful and will consult her on stuff too but of course would love input from this incredible group.

So things have continued to stay the same for the most part. Certain things have escalated. He is now having his Mom drive for him which has been a huge stress reliever. I'm still paying for groceries and he did contribute like $20 bucks a few weeks ago which obviously isn't much. We've been have our differences about discipling his daughter and he was very clingy and needy about her this weekend. I hit a wall and the anger was let go and I just felt numb and ready to end it. I talked to my couselor on Tuesday and she said that I've thoroughly analyzed everything. We ran out of time for me to share a letter I wrote to him. My breakup letter which I will read to him so I want to review with her this Tuesday and see if I can do it soon. I don't know if I can do it before Father's Day or his birthday on June 25th. If it is manageable maybe I wil get through the summer then end it. My son and I are gone a lot this summer on vacation and busy with swimming, camps, etc. I'm not sure exactly how or when it will happen but that's the gist of it.