[PaintTheRoses88]

I posted another thread about his issues with OCD (on top of depression) trapping him in his house so I won't go into a lot of detail about that. We've been together for four years now. He lives with his family about four hours away from me.

A month ago he had an altercation with his father that led him to the conclusion that he can't last at his house another year. In a nutshell, he thinks his family, especially his father, is really dirty and he always thinks they're messing with his things on purpose to send him off the deep end. He was fairly upset over this and I let him just pour out his woes as usual because there really was nothing else I could do. I did not see the situation as being nearly as bad as he did, but it wasn't important what I thought at the moment. I just wanted to give him comfort.

But then he asks me if I could move up my plans to get an apartment by next year to getting one in just a few months. Not possible. I need to get a second job and, with him being consumed by OCD, he has no job at all and thus no money to contribute. So getting a place right now or very soon is just not feasible for me. And it wouldn't solve his problems anyway. I told him as gently as I could that even if I had enough money for a security deposit and first month's rent, I would not have any money left over to pay my monthly bills on top of food and all these other things we would need. To note, he has NEVER had to cover his own expenses so it's not surprising that these things didn't come to mind for him. Well, he got very angry over this and told me I just didn't want to do it and I really didn't care about him, thought he was a piece of **** and all that. While he did tell me that it wasn't my responsibility to get him out of the house, he definitely tried to guilt me into anyway.

I'm not being unfair, right? I know he's miserable at his house, but it's not his family who has him trapped. It's not his family who is the problem. He needs to see a psychiatrist for the OCD and depression. But he doesn't want to listen to me when I tell him that so I don't know what to say. And now he barely speaks to me at all. I think he must resent me for letting him down, in his view. I call him, but he never picks up and he rarely returns the calls. On the rare chance that he does return a call, I'm usually at work. The conversations we do have are awkward and strained and he just doesn't sound like talking at all. And he'll say thoughtless, pointlessly mean things to me or make fun of me for the most trivial things. He never used to say such things and I don't know why he does it. I try not to be overly sensitive. I realize he's in pain and he's lashing out at those who are closest to him because we are the easiest targets. But I can't not take these things personally coming from him. I still find it inexcusable and I told him so.

But if I bring up an issue I have with his behavior, he'll dismissively tell me that "I'm not playing that game," or he'll accuse me of trying to pick a fight. I really feel that's unfair and that he does that so he can trivialize and make light of my concerns and feelings. But if he has an issue with something I'm doing, he has no qualms with telling me about it. And at least I take him seriously and try to rectify the matter. I expect him to do the same for me. That's what you do in a relationship. But then I think, he's severely depressed and he's not really himself. He doesn't normally act like this.

So I don't know how to talk to him anymore. It's like walking on eggshells with him all the time now. I'm afraid I'm either going to come on too strong or too soft. I want to have a PRODUCTIVE conversation with him. I want my boyfriend back. I don't think he even notices how much he hurts me with his words anymore. He's always placed far more value on actions than on words. But we're in an LDR right now so words are kind of all we have. And they hurt far more than he realizes. I try my hardest not to let my frustration get the better of me. But it's not easy and sometimes I do say things which I regret. But I at least apologize for them.

He never apologizes. And I'm not a machine. I can only take so much. I realize he's depressed, but that does not seem like a good enough excuse for the way he acts not only towards me but towards his entire family, especially when he's not trying to do anything about the depression. Any pointers on how I can improve our communication?

[RomanSunburn]

I'm extremely sorry you're going through this. My fiance and I were in a long distance relationship for four years before we were finally able to move in together (and several states away from our families). It used to be, though, that I was the one in the position of your boyfriend, and my fiance was in your place.

The first thing I would recommend is getting the book, "Stop Walking on Eggshells" from the library. It's written by Randi Kreger and Paul T. Mason. It's directed towards partners of those suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder, but I think it has a lot of useful information in there for how to talk to anyone that struggles with a mental illness. It also talks a lot about making sure you're taking care of yourself first and not letting your needs get pushed aside in your attempt to care for your partner. I recommend getting it from the library because I would suggest skimming it/reading through it from the library first, then if you find it helpful to you, then perhaps consider buying a copy to mark up and such.

Next, I think you should write him a letter explaining everything that you wrote in your post. He sounds like he is trapped in his own emotions and can't see exactly what he is doing to you. This is something I struggle with myself. I get caught up in my own world, my own pain, that i don't always see the pain I'm inflicting on the man I love more than anything. When I do realize it, I end up hating myself, beating up on myself, which hurts my fiance even more. Sometimes, I just need something to snap me out of my own little world. I think a well thought out, gentle letter, that shows me what I'm doing, but that I am still loved and wanted, would do the trick. He clearly needs to start therapy, and I think you need to mention that in the letter. Without help, he is only going to push you away and shut you out of his life, which I believe neither of you wants.

I'm wishing the best for you and I hope that the two of you are able to work this out. I hope none of this came off as too harsh.

[inklid]

Although I can't understand your exact situation I do understand the feeling of 'walking on eggshells' and it's not fair to you. If the relationship is that unstable you shouldn't be afraid to rock the boat a little harder to try and get things under control.

I agree that he needs to get professional help and once that is started you could start attending so perhaps he can get an objective view on how his behaviour is affecting you.

Regardless of this you don't have to put up with this just because of his mental condition. I have severe depression and I know it makes me hard to live with sometimes. But I also know when I'm out of line and usually take some time to sort out my thoughts and apologise.

Don't live your life walking on eggshells.

[PaintTheRoses88]

Thanks RomanSunburn, I will definitely add that book to my hold list. I already have three books about OCD on the list. It's real hard to think of my own needs with him sometimes. Well, it was a lot harder when we were in school and I was around him all the time. I exhausted myself to the point of illness with trying to handle all my end-of-year schoolwork on top of trying to take care of him when he was sliding into such deep depression. But it never seemed to be enough and he would always make me feel like I could never do anything right. There are different hardships that arise with an LDR though, so I'm not saying I'm glad he's four hours away. I miss him in more ways than just his physical presence.

The letter is a great idea. I actually have one started, but I don't know if I was ever going to send it. It's stuck on Word atm, and it's rather long and detailed. I think it was more a form of catharsis for me, but I really think I should write a real letter to him and actually send it. Mail is a problem with the OCD though. It's not the fact that postal workers and whatnot would be handling it, it's just trying to get outside past the "dirty" doorknobs to get the mail before one of his family members puts their "dirty" hands on it. It's a stressful endeavor for him, which makes sending a letter a conundrum. But I feel it's worth a shot. It's not like anything else I'm doing is having any appreciable effect on him.

It's very enlightening to hear from someone on the other side. I'm glad you understand that it can be hard for people like your fiance and myself, though probably not as hard as it is for those who suffer from depression. And I definitely don't want to make my bf feel guilty. Logically, I know he's not really himself, so he doesn't really mean those things he says to me and he doesn't mean to be so cold, distant, and utterly apathetic towards me. But emotionally...well, it's a different matter altogether. Like I said, coming from him, the man I love so deeply, it's like a knife to the heart. He really does need help and I suppose I just don't understand why he's so resistant to the idea. He's not getting any better on his own. If anything, he's getting worse and his own family can barely stand to be around him. That's heartbreaking. Any pointers on how I can encourage him to get help without sounding...condescending?

And I know I don't want him to shut me out, but it's hard to gauge what he wants now that he's been so wrapped up in depression and OCD. He doesn't seem to care much about anyone or anything...I know he's miserable like this and, well, the whole apartment issue shows that he wants his life back on track. He just wasn't going about it in the best way.

And, no, it didn't come off as too harsh. Thanks!

[PaintTheRoses88]

Originally Posted by inklid

Although I can't understand your exact situation I do understand the feeling of 'walking on eggshells' and it's not fair to you. If the relationship is that unstable you shouldn't be afraid to rock the boat a little harder to try and get things under control.

I agree that he needs to get professional help and once that is started you could start attending so perhaps he can get an objective view on how his behaviour is affecting you.

Regardless of this you don't have to put up with this just because of his mental condition. I have severe depression and I know it makes me hard to live with sometimes. But I also know when I'm out of line and usually take some time to sort out my thoughts and apologise.

Don't live your life walking on eggshells.

The exact situation is seriously a lot more complicated than what I posted here. I have another thread mainly detailing the problems with the OCD if you're interested in reading it. If I posted all of it I doubt anyone would want to read it because it would be so long and convoluted haha.

I guess what I'm trying to do is break it down into smaller components to try to make it seem less overwhelming. Communication seems to have completely broken down and, without that, there's no point in trying to resolve the other issues. So I think that's the first issue I want to tackle. I want my thoughts and feelings to be heard and taken seriously by him without having to worry about him being consumed by guilt and resentment...etc.

I know he's really down on himself atm and probably can't see past his own emotions. I want him to really listen to me with the idea of getting help for himself. I know it has to be his decision. But the longer he continues to do nothing, he will just slide further and further down this black hole and trying to keep a relationship with that dragging it down is simply impossible. It's just not fair that he expects everyone else to alter their lives and deal with his mental condition when he himself is clearly not dealing with it.

You're right, I can't live my life walking on eggshells. It's too stressful. I wouldn't want to. But I do want my boyfriend back.

[mgran]

I think that you were absolutely right to point out to him that the apartment isn't a viable idea at the moment. Even if you could afford it, and all the bills, I think it would be a mistake to move in with him at the moment. He thinks his whole family are dirty... if he moved in with you, then you would become the focus of his distress, and you'd find yourself having to wash your hands dozens of times a day, and dancing around him constantly trying to placate his delusions of dirtiness.

I hate to suggest this, but if he won't look for help, if he won't accept that he has a problem, then really, what relationship can you possibly have? You can't have a physical with him, you could never have friends around, you couldn't have children, or even a pet. Every moment of your lives would circle around making sure the appartment was "clean" enough for him.

Nobody can live this way. He's mentally ill, he can't help it. But you're not ill, there is no compulsion for you to end up locked into an eternal pattern of misery and pain.

My advice, and this is really REALLY harsh, is that you should break it off with him. Until he is prepared to accept he has a problem, you can't have a relationship with him. He doesn't want to get better. He just wants to control his entire environment and make sure it's "clean." Letting in a therapist is not something he's likely to do, until he's really pushed.

Please forgive me, but my advice is break up with him. He's no longer your boyfriend anyway... he shows you no love or affection. He's someone who is drowning, and in trying to hang on to you he puts you at risk of drowning too.

You need to give him an ultimatum. And mean it. Don't play games with him... they're his games. You deserve MUCH better than that.

[dragonfly2]

Hi - it does sound like you have put up a valiant effort to maintain this relationship and tried to help him as best you could. That being said, I have to agree with mgran here. He needs to be held somewhat accountable for at least acknowledging that he has a problem and needs to seek treatment. This may seem contradictory to my earlier post on sticking things out in a relationship w/someone with mental illness, but sometimes an ultimatum is called for when someone is stuck in an unhealthy pattern. I can tell you that it worked for me.

I have bipolar disorder and became very very sick before the birth of my second child. I had severe rapid cycling before she was born and then some very disturbing Postpartum OCD added on afterwards. I was actively seeking help, taking my meds, etc., and my husband had been as supportive as humanly possible for about two years. After a while, I became stuck in a pattern of multiple hospitalizations and chronic suicidality - basically had a revolving door on the hospital. During a lengthy 6-week stay, and while I was having ECT, my husband had finally had enough and said that I couldn't come home. I was shocked and devastated. He did not file for divorce, but needed to somehow break me out of my cycle. He took a big chance by pushing me away at a critical time, but in retrospect it was probably the only thing that really made me snap out of my cycle. I was eventually allowed back home and our family has healed. That was 8 years ago, and it has taken some time to trust him again when I do get sick, but we are still together. We still have bumps in the road now and then, but I think it took seeing what I was about to lose to help me make the decision to really try to pull out of an unhealthy pattern.

It may sound counterintuitive, and it may feel like you are abandoning him (and there is a good chance he will feel this way), but it sounds like you need to make a similar break with him for his own good. Not only do you need to set healthy boundaries for yourself, but it may be the thing he needs to finally get his own help. It doesn't need to be "goodbye forever", unless you want it to be, but there should be some expectations set for any sort of reconciliation. Don't forget to take care of yourself during this stressful time.

[RomanSunburn]

I think Mgran and dragonfly said what I was trying to say, but couldn't. Perhaps when you write him the letter (maybe an email would work better?) you could tell him that he can't continue with the path he's taking, and that he needs to get help, or you will be forced to leave the relationship to take care of yourself.

I also don't think therapy would a bad idea for you right now. It might be helpful to have a third party knowledgeable with what is going on in your boyfriend's head to bounce things off of. They'll probably also have ideas on reopening communication and how to talk to him about going to therapy himself. Perhaps if your boyfriend sees that this issue is important enough to make you go to therapy, he'll start to reconsider his stance. If he is able to visit you at all, perhaps you could bring him to a session. At the very least, if it turns out that this relationship can't be save, you're therapist will be able to help you through the break up and teach you how to make yourself your number one priority in life.

I don't think you should just trash the relationship you've worked so hard on. But I do think you need to make it plain to him that you need to take care of yourself and that if there isn't some sort of improvement or an attempt to work on himself, you'll be forced, out of necessity, to move on. Granted, he has to want to get better on his own, but maybe he simply needs a push to show him that his behavior is hurting the ones he loves to get him so he feels he needs to change also.

Good luck! Everything is going to take time, but keep us updated! And remember to take care of yourself!

[PaintTheRoses88]

Originally Posted by mgran

I think that you were absolutely right to point out to him that the apartment isn't a viable idea at the moment. Even if you could afford it, and all the bills, I think it would be a mistake to move in with him at the moment. He thinks his whole family are dirty... if he moved in with you, then you would become the focus of his distress, and you'd find yourself having to wash your hands dozens of times a day, and dancing around him constantly trying to placate his delusions of dirtiness.

Yes, I feel I was right on this, too. But he has this way of twisting things around to make my actions seem so selfish. He did at one point tell me "well thanks for only thinking of yourself". But it wouldn't just be a bad idea for me, it would be a disaster for him as well. At his house, he lives rent-free, his parents pay for his credit card and student loans, they cover everything. And he acts like he's being cruelly treated and abused. It's ridiculous. He seems to think they are intentionally "messing with his things" to sabotage his life and make him snap. That makes no sense to me, but when I would tell him that he would simply redirect his anger to me. See how hard it is to have a rational conversation with him?

And, yes, I will admit a large part of it is that I simply don't want to live with him right now. I already tasted what it was like in college near the end of senior year when the severe OCD cropped up. My hands cannot sustain the abuse that his have received, my skin is far more delicate and sensitive. And I'm trying to apply to medical school right now. There's no way he'd be comfortable with me if/when I go to med school and I'm not doing a Hazmat operation every day just to placate him. But my resistance would always spark an argument. Basically, if I didn't scrub or take a random shower if I so happened to brush up against something, he would conclude that I must not care about him. It would infuriate me and we would argue, but I would inevitably give in because I hated seeing him so overcome by anxiety. So even if I could have gotten an apartment with him, I would have had to shoot the idea down anyway.

Originally Posted by mgran

I hate to suggest this, but if he won't look for help, if he won't accept that he has a problem, then really, what relationship can you possibly have? You can't have a physical with him, you could never have friends around, you couldn't have children, or even a pet. Every moment of your lives would circle around making sure the appartment was "clean" enough for him.

Unfortunately, you're right on this account, too. It's taken me a long time to accept this. There is no way we can have a healthy relationship while he continues to live in denial about his mental health (or lack thereof). It's heartwrenching, though, because underneath the OCD and depression, he's a wonderful young man. He's so smart, funny, and insightful and he was a very sweet and thoughtful boyfriend. It's just not fair that he would allow these illnesses to drive a wedge between us. And he thinks I've done nothing for him, done nothing to fight for us. He doesn't see how much I care any longer. He thinks no one really cares about him anymore. His family, of course, is an object of much contempt in his eyes and I really don't understand. He and his mother have always had a rocky relationship and now, as you can probably assume, their relationship has already worsened. She's told me before she's thought about kicking him out of the house. But then he'd have nowhere to go.

Originally Posted by mgran

My advice, and this is really REALLY harsh, is that you should break it off with him. Until he is prepared to accept he has a problem, you can't have a relationship with him. He doesn't want to get better. He just wants to control his entire environment and make sure it's "clean." Letting in a therapist is not something he's likely to do, until he's really pushed.

Please forgive me, but my advice is break up with him. He's no longer your boyfriend anyway... he shows you no love or affection. He's someone who is drowning, and in trying to hang on to you he puts you at risk of drowning too.

That's not harsh at all, really. He is all about control. When he doesn't feel clean, he doesn't feel secure, or so he's told me. So he'll do anything within his power to feel secure. Even at my home while on the phone with him he would ask what stuff I'd been touching and if I mentioned having messed around with a certain thing he would ask me to shower/wash my hands immediately. I told him he was being ridiculously controlling and that it was bad enough he did this to me when we were actually around one another, but from four hours away, too? Naturally, he did not take well to be called "controlling" and said he couldn't date someone who thought he was being controlling. He doesn't cope with the stress well and he would have random outbursts of temper towards his family or me-nothing violent, mind you. So all he does now is withdraw and hide out in his room and from the world. It's so frustrating and sad because, again, this isn't how he normally is. I realize this may be something he'll never outgrow, but he could at least get it under control. It is possible to live a productive, normal life with OCD and depression. And the fact that he doesn't even want to try for our relationship or himself...well, it's just tragic.

[PaintTheRoses88]

Originally Posted by dragonfly2

Hi - it does sound like you have put up a valiant effort to maintain this relationship and tried to help him as best you could. That being said, I have to agree with mgran here. He needs to be held somewhat accountable for at least acknowledging that he has a problem and needs to seek treatment. This may seem contradictory to my earlier post on sticking things out in a relationship w/someone with mental illness, but sometimes an ultimatum is called for when someone is stuck in an unhealthy pattern. I can tell you that it worked for me.

I feel I've tried everything under the sun to maintain this relationship. My bf seems to think I've done absolutely nothing, which really stings. Ever since the whole apartment incident, things have really just gone to ****. He's been sulking about it for a whole month now, or, that's how I see it anyway. I think he always felt like I was the only person still there for him and my refusal to get this apartment for us-oh and he sees it only as refusal, he doesn't believe that it's financially impossible for me-must seem like the ultimate let down.

I have considered maybe reaching out to his older sister, who no longer lives at the house but she is still over there all the time. His family honestly doesn't seem to know what to do about him anymore. I've said before that I think he's basically become their dirty little family secret. His mother is an RN, so I had hoped she would use her professional ties to get him some resources and help. And he simply hated it whenever I would speak to his mother without him around because of course he becomes the topic of conversation. I know he would not appreciate me going behind his back to alert his friends and/or family, but he's rapidly leaving me little choice in the matter. He's threatened that he will "snap" if he has to stay at his house much longer. I'm not sure what that means, but I don't want to take chances. And if I have to leave the relationship, I want to know someone will look after him.

What you described with your experience with bipolar and post-partum is eerily similar to what happened with my mother when she gave birth to my youngest brother (her last and seventh child). She's had bipolar dx since she was my age, I believe, and she had my brother when she was in her 40s so she spent some time in and out of the hospital after he was born. I'm not my step-father's biggest fan, but I will say that he has stuck with her and been supportive of her throughout the ups and downs of her mental illness. I'm not saying my father wasn't supportive, but it's hard for me to judge since they split when I was nine years old. I think she takes four different medications and she's doing just fine right now.

Seeing how well she is doing just makes me all the more frustrated with my bf. What's more is that he has a BS in psychology, of all things. I don't know if he sees the OCD and depression as personal failings, but it seems like it. I am perfectly willing to take the bad with the good, as is appparent, but when the "bad" is consistently interfering with both our lives, I don't see why it's so wrong to want to rectify it.

Originally Posted by dragonfly2

It may sound counterintuitive, and it may feel like you are abandoning him (and there is a good chance he will feel this way), but it sounds like you need to make a similar break with him for his own good. Not only do you need to set healthy boundaries for yourself, but it may be the thing he needs to finally get his own help. It doesn't need to be "goodbye forever", unless you want it to be, but there should be some expectations set for any sort of reconciliation. Don't forget to take care of yourself during this stressful time.

It does feel like I would be abandoning him and it tears me up with guilt. And I don't want guilt to be the thing which holds me to him because that wouldn't be healthy for either of us. He is own responsibility just as I am my own responsibility. I am almost certain he would see it as abandoning him or kicking him when he's down and I don't want him to see it like that. But obviously I can't control how he would view it.

I just don't know how to go about this. I want to be there for him should he make the decision to get help, if he wanted me, of course. I would gladly attend therapy sessions with him, provided I could make the trip. To be honest, at this point, both of us could probably use some therapy. I don't want it to be "goodbye forever", of course, but I suppose that would have to be an acceptable risk if there's any chance he would get some help.

[PaintTheRoses88]

Originally Posted by RomanSunburn

I think Mgran and dragonfly said what I was trying to say, but couldn't. Perhaps when you write him the letter (maybe an email would work better?) you could tell him that he can't continue with the path he's taking, and that he needs to get help, or you will be forced to leave the relationship to take care of yourself.

An email wouldn't work. I think his computer has been relegated to the "dirty" list or it just doesn't work properly. It's hard to keep track of what is "dirty" and what isn't. Sending a traditional letter seems to be the best option, although getting the mail is a very stressful endeavor because of the OCD. I've sent mail to him before and I always had to inform him well ahead of time, give him a timeframe of when it might arrive and he would make up a ridiculously complicated game plan just to get out his house when the mailman arrived. This is how badly OCD has interfered with his life and he still refuses to get help. It confounds me.

But, yes, I will mention that in the letter. I am hoping to make him see that I don't want to abandon him, but I feel that he would only see it like that anyway. There's nothing I can do about that, unfortunately.

Originally Posted by RomanSunburn

I also don't think therapy would a bad idea for you right now. It might be helpful to have a third party knowledgeable with what is going on in your boyfriend's head to bounce things off of. They'll probably also have ideas on reopening communication and how to talk to him about going to therapy himself. Perhaps if your boyfriend sees that this issue is important enough to make you go to therapy, he'll start to reconsider his stance. If he is able to visit you at all, perhaps you could bring him to a session. At the very least, if it turns out that this relationship can't be save, you're therapist will be able to help you through the break up and teach you how to make yourself your number one priority in life.

Yeah, therapy probably wouldn't be a bad idea right now. These issues came at one of the worst possible times. I'm attempting to apply to med school and I have to retake the MCAT in July since I completely bombed the April one. My confidence was severely shaken up by that since I normally do so well with school/tests, etc. I'd have to see if our insurance covered it because, alas, I am an impoverished college grad with only a part-time retail job atm. His parents I know would gladly pay for his therapy sessions if their insurance didn't cover it. But I'm from a working class home and don't have that luxury.

Originally Posted by RomanSunburn

I don't think you should just trash the relationship you've worked so hard on. But I do think you need to make it plain to him that you need to take care of yourself and that if there isn't some sort of improvement or an attempt to work on himself, you'll be forced, out of necessity, to move on. Granted, he has to want to get better on his own, but maybe he simply needs a push to show him that his behavior is hurting the ones he loves to get him so he feels he needs to change also.

Sometimes I worry that I don't matter enough to him anymore (like everything else doesn't seem to matter) that my leaving just wouldn't make a difference. I know that shouldn't be my priority, but it is something I can't help thinking about. And it's awful. He was always on my case about being "supportive" and being a source of comfort and I consistently didn't deliver in his eyes. But what exactly does he expect me to support...his downward spiral? I was set up to fail in that endeavor to begin with, I think, since I was expected to pull him out of a hole created by mental illness. I can't be both his girlfriend and his pseudo-therapist. That's far too much pressure on me. I love him so much, but I can't keep doing this.

Thanks for all the advice and support!

[RomanSunburn]

I don't have much advice to give right now, as I believe you have it figured out. You know what is best for you, you just have to figure out the best way to do it, which I'm not sure any of us can really help with since you know him best.

I do want you to know that you are being extremely rational about everything and I find it really inspiring that you can sit down and work your way through your feelings and his feelings in such a calm, balanced manner. I think you're doing a great job. Just remember not to be too hard on yourself. You said it yourself, he's responsible for himself, just as you are responsible for you. Do not punish yourself for things you know are impossible to do, for things he must do for himself. I think you should be proud of yourself for really working on this relationship, and then knowing when to leave for your own health, safety, and happiness -- most people don't do or know either of those things.

Really, I'm just so... in awe over how well you are handling this. Please be sure you give yourself plenty of time to grieve and heal. You are an amazing, wonderful human being worthy of love and happiness.

[PaintTheRoses88]

Thanks for the kind words, RomanSunburn. But don't be too impressed. About 6-7 months ago I was a complete wreck over this situation. It's been going on for about a year, well, a year and a half if one counts the issues with depression. I suppose in that way being so far away from him has been to my advantage. It gave me the opportunity to have some distance and reflection. I've had a lot of time to stew over this and debate it over and over and over...I haven't only turned to online forums for help, but I've also talked it over with a few close friends to the point where I'm sure they're tired of hearing about it

It's taken me an absurdly long time to accept what it is I have to do. I detest ultimatums on principle, but I feel all other options have been exhausted. And there's still a large part of me that's afraid I'm doing the wrong thing. I'm going to stick with the letter because I find it much easier to convey my thoughts and feelings on paper rather than in speaking to him now. I would let my emotions get the better of me and I would say things I didn't mean or in ways I didn't intend to say them and he would misinterpret them, of course. A letter is the only way I can conceive of making him understand where I'm coming from.

But thanks so much for your help!

[RomanSunburn]

You're welcome! I'm glad I was able to help someone!

I agree about letters. I actually used to write my fiance a lot of letters when I was in college and upset about something. I never sent 99.9% of them. For me, though, it was a way of seeing that what i was upset about was silly, or was a way for me to fully vent my feelings to him without actually doing it and causing a further mess and dragging it all out (my fiance basically feels like if I'm not going to be upset in the morning, then it wasn't really an issue and just one of my moods; I tend to agree. If I was still upset the next day, I'd reread it and possibly send it to him or talk to him about the issue again). But then, remember, I'm the one in your boyfriend's position, though struggling with other issues and several years of therapy and various medications under my belt!

Please let us know how things go. I will be sending positive thoughts your way. We'll be here for you no matter how it all turns out!