[SilkySpeed7]

I first met him six years ago. I was nineteen, he was thirty five. Married with one child and I was married with one. He was a cop, I was a criminal. Not his criminal but just the same. I fell in love with him in the late hours of morning as he pulled a 7 to 4 overnight and I would wait and walk the streeets for those brief moments of conversation, making me feel connected and as if I belonged. I left my husband, his wife got pregnant (he still is unsure if it is his, regardless...) and eventually I moved away and contact became less and less frequent. Until about six months ago where we rekindled our friendship and after six years he finially got it that the erotic stories and poetry I gave him was about him. We had never touched up til this point. I always fantasised but never dreamed it likely. I respected him for his morals. But....(of course).....then something came about and the first time ever I was invited over while the wife was at work. And we got intimate soon after. (much to my surprise.)

He has never liked his wife, not in the six years prior to this not now. If I believed otherwise I wouldn't have the problem I do. I know it was very very wrong and stupid to get involved with a married man and yet well, love works in mysterious ways. His wife is off for sugery having carpol tunnel and that is six weeks.....so no affair for six weeks....I broke up with him, if that is possible....I can't borrow what is not mine to keep, I want everything he can't give...........He tells me to be patient.......I know he is not using me, I know that this could possibly work............but six weeks.....and if ever..........my parents have been miserable together for thirty one years, well maybe the first few years were alright we will give them credit for that, but looking at that and my married man, I have to wonder what makes him think that he will really leave her no matter how miserable he is.............

I need help! I don't want to stop talking to him. I don't want to discount him totally from life. I wouldn't mind waiting a few months, but I don't think I can go much longer. Statistically Married men don't leave their wives do they? I am thinking if I don't see him and possibly don't talk to him it will be more of an intuative if he really does care. Otherwise i dont knwo what to do.............please help............what .....feedback.......

Thank you

[seeker1950]

I wouldn't have anything to do with this man until and IF he gets a divorce. You are setting yourself up for disappointment, humiliation, and heartache.
Seeker

[bebop]

I totally agree and yes statistics are they don't leave but sometimes they do but don't hold your breath...if he really didn't like his wife he would not sleep with her now would he?

[SilkySpeed7]

he he that is what I said too. He has the excuse of its for the kids. (boys 11 and 4) The last one he doesn't think is his. And apparently they haven't slept together in months. I wouldn't know though. I think he uses his kids way too much as an excuse. From what he says she isn't very good. She doesn't do anything around the house,he does laundry dishes and cooks. she sleeps and doesn't do much else. And he can't leave her now because her hand is all messed up. I told him after that excuse it would be he can't leave her because it is winter and it will be cold and she wouldn't be able to deal with the furnance and wood stove. I just don't know. He says not to give up and give him time. I don't want him to think he can have his life with her and not for it to affect the life he has with me and think he can have them both. I look forward to his calls, but I know I am setting myself up. financially it would hurt him and he would want the kids and he wants the house and yeah...........i dont knwo how I can continue to be friends but....i dont know.......it sucks bad......should i give an ultimatum?

[LadyDragus]

ok.. I am giong to give you advice from a woman who has been the one who cheated with a single man but who was married ok. .

THe married men never want to leave they have a security blanket effect and they do not want to give it up. It is hard to fiqure out how is mind is working when one is disabled due to surgery and all, but if he has not left her and they have two kids I do not see him leaving her for you, or anyone else for that matter..

I do not mean to be the bearer of bad news, but he may only be using you as an outlet for "sex" and may only lead you on till you say no more.. Yes I knwo it only happend once or whatever.. (no detalis ok)

I want you to be safe I know love hurts whenyou are in a stitution like this..

[SilkySpeed7]

yes I understand. The sercurity blanket thing. This is very much true whether one is married or not when you have sercurity this is an important thing not to give up. What fool would?

[soonforgotten]

you need to cut the cord that is attached between the two of you.... being with a married man will get you nowhere. He has a wife someone he has chosen to spend his life with....he just using you and trust me he'll leave you before he'll leave his wife.... men like that just keep rolling from woman to woman. In the long run you'll be glad you let him go.

there is an old saying and i believe the "Georgia Satellites" used it in a song. "why buy the cow, when the milk is free?"..or something like that.

his wife is awful, he doesn't like her, she never does anything, he does everything, her hand is hurt, they don't have sex, the last child is not his, he loves you, be patient......what a crock! married men do this 1,000 times a day...it's also called, "having your cake and eating it, too".

did you know, if he is a cop, that he can lose his job, if your affair comes to light. then he'll really run from you.

sorry, to be harsh. but reality is reality. pat

i want to clarify something. i didn't mean that the "crock" was coming from you. i meant that it is coming from the married man. almost everything that he has said to you, another married man has said to another woman. best, pat

[bebop]

you said...He has the excuse of its for the kids. (boys 11 and 4) The last one he doesn't think is his. And apparently they haven't slept together in months.

think of this...if he hasn't slept with her in months why would there be doubt? he doesn't THINK this is his child...makes me think otherwise..don't believe him

[Hope4me2]

you deserve so much better then him placing you in this position...dont believe him....if he cheats one he will cheat again...take care of YOU and get away from him...

[seeker1950]

AND!!!, people can stay married for years without sleeping together, especially if there are young children involved. This was the case in my marriage of 20 years, and I stayed until my daughter left home for college. The obligation and commitment to children can override many other desires. Are you willing to wait for that?
Seeker

[SilkySpeed7]

See I don't think that he is vicous and a natural liar and cheater. like I stated we have been friends for six years so it is not like I just met him and started having an affiar. So I don't think it is all crap, I really don't. I mean, if I didn't know him and didn't think it was the absolute truth then I would agree that it was a ll a bunch of crock. I know he cares deeply for me. I know this without a doubt.

I can't wait for twenty years definatly not. I am 25 and still young. I just wished I could forget all about this. Unfortunatly it is not easy. And I don't think this divorce will ever be quick enough, if it evens happen. IF being the operative word. I mean, no matter how miserable someone is, they will stay if it means they don't have to give up something. He would be giving up a lot. Thank you all for your advice........................how do I get over him? How do I cut the cord? I shouldn't wait for him?

you're 25 and he's 41. he was 35 when you met. one way you might think about this, is that he might leave you for a much younger woman. just a thought.

knowing him 6 years, doesn't mean you are privvy to what really goes on in his marriage. the mistress is never aware. she can't be. the husband and wife have something going on behind those closed doors. and unless you can be a fly on the wall, you'll never, ever know the truth what is there. you could consider that, if you want to break it off. because if he's cheating now, he'll probably cheat again and you might be the one in the house with him. (if he leaves HER)

i wish you luck in your struggle. pat

[seeker1950]

Hon,
It takes great resolve and determination to extricate yourself from such a triangle. I sympathize with what you're going thru. I'm sure the man has good qualities, but the heartache and anxiety you're experiencing will only increase unless he is willing to leave his wife and family. He will lose a lot financially and materially, not to mention the rift with his children.
What are your options?
Seeker

I feel for you... you have put yourself in a tough spot.

Can I suggest looking at two views?----

OK-- #1--- you hold out for this guy-- the non-liar, cheater! Suppose- 10 years down the road he does leave his wife for you. His children hate you-- as the "woman that destroyed our family"-- his wife resents you and maybe some of his family can't stand you-- how long can you put up with so much negative energy?? The saying goes-- you don't just marry the person you marry the family!! I believe you should think about the WHOLE picture!! It's not just you and him!!

here's another picture--

#2---- you go on with your young life- dating and find an excellent - honest- totally and solely in love with you man. His family cares about you and you can make a family together rich in love and trust!

Now, which picture would you choose??? It really is all up to you-- not anyone else!! You do have the power over your future-- sure there is no guarantee that Mr. Wonderful will drop into your life--- but is being with a married man really worth wasting your chances at meeting that Mr. Wonderful??

I wish you well and hope the best for you.

mandy

[seeker1950]

2b! So well stated!
Seeker

[soonforgotten]

Wait for him? for what? for him to dump you and go and marry someone else 'cause I'm sure you're not his only "side dish" and that's IF he ever divorces his wife and all you'll have is just memories of wasting your time with him.you've been with him too long already,end it now cause you can't really call it a relationship it's point blank cheating and it's not fair to his wife you two may think you're being discreet but trust me she has to know it's been six years for crying out loud, have some dignity and CUT THAT CORD and the healing will follow, try to put yourself in his wife's shoes how would feel to know you husband is out with somebody else after he committed himself to you in holy matrimony? one final thought do you want to be know as the " home wrecker"?

[LadyDragus]

ozzie has some good ideas here Vuglarlove..

she is very wise. and said some of the things I was going to say.. but she beat me to the words today.. Which means great minds still think alike.. Talk to a therapist about the getting over him aspect..
This will be the hard thing..

he may or may not leave his wife of how ever many years they have been togther.. Trust me on this one.. I see how hurt you are over this and I can not fathom how badly you are hurting because I am the one who huert my ex over this and you know I did leave.. but it was not easy.. for him.. IT was easy for me cause I no longer loved him and but when you fall in love with someone it is very hard to walk away no matter what you say..

When a man or woman say they no longer love their husband or wife .. I am going on a limb here unless there is abuse or something else they will always in some ways still care for that person if they have kids with them.. That attachment is a bond that no woman can ever break no matter how young you are.. Belive me.. If my ex walked up to me and asked me to take him back it would be very hard to say no.. and it has been for one of them, because of my second child.. I still care for him because of that second child.. Getting him to say one thing and doing something elese will be worth a million words to you sweeite..

Take it from me.. walk away now.. and move on with your life .. .. I am only trying to help you out and give you advice.. I moved on because he said he could never love me, and he would never move out of his "grandparents home" (who he is married to in his on way) ** long story*****

[Twinks]

If he cheated on her, He'll cheat on you someday.
Just a thought.....

[bonaire]

v-love,
I don't know what to say here in this public forum but I do know people who have been in situations like yours. People come into your life for a reason and they exit your life for a reason. The married person here in your life is here to teach you something but he may not be the end-product of what you're here to learn. What probably is your next step is to find the true life-mate you need to have in your life and live a wonderful existence with the skills you have learned so far.

I believe that getting involved with a married person is "ok" to some degree but is this culture's "big taboo" that most couples and generally anyone would abhor. Because that's how we're raised and that's what our religions tell us.

What to do? Check yourself. Could you allow yourself to be happy with someone else? Does this person define you? Getting over the other person - you can easily do that if you love yourself fully.

Take a look at Wayne Dyer's "Power of Intention" book. Put the person you need/want in your life in your heart and go out and live. That person will come to you. If you spend a lot of time thinking about how you will get over this married guy - you will continue to do just that - spend time trying to get over this married guy. The more you try to stop something, the more that something will envelope you.

[SilkySpeed7]

Again thank you all for the advice. Although bitter truth hurts, I am alright. I know what I need to do and hope that I can find the strength somewhere and somehow. I think it would help if I had friends to talk to, him being the only one I really have puts me in the postion where I lose the friendship too. We have only been intimate for two months and friends for the reast of the six years.

GRRRRRRRRRRRR..........ill keep you all updated on my soap opera. Thank you..............

[eskielover]

You do know that soap opera's aren't real.....they are just DRAMA & that is not what real life is all about. I think the previous idea to get a T to help you through what you need to do is probably the best way of all......you are paying (or your insurance is paying) someone to objectively help you think rationally about your situation & put it behind you & get on with your real life.....not your DRAMA life (which really isn't real). Besides like it has been said before.....why waste your young life waiting for something that probably may never happen. Spend the effort you are using spinning your wheels where you are to go out & find someone that is really available & will make you a much better life.

Even if he would get the divorce, the money he makes would be put towards child support & if his wife really isn't doing anything....there will probably be spousal support too......what does that leave you....you will have to make a pretty good salary to make up for what he would be paying out....in other words, you would also be helping him support his previous marriage by being the support if you would even end up married to him....which isn't a sure thing either.

You can do it.....it will take determination & I am sure the support of friends or better, an objective T......but the bottom line is that you are going to end up doing what you want to with your life in spite of any suggestions by others.....you are the one that has to decide for yourself what you really want for your life.

Take care of yourself & your future first of all,

Debbie

[darkeyes]

My exact feelings. In almost all cases they eventually cling to their wives, especially if it was a "mid-life crisis" he is or was feeling. There are cases though, where a man or woman may divorce their spouse for another person.
Vulgar, for your own well being, try to detach from this situation, it may hurt at first but in time you may find yourself feeling free to take time for what you really need.
If he divorces, then you know for sure it's over, and you are the person he really wants to spend time with, maybe even the rest of his life, but hard to tell so soon.
My mom's former lady friend was re-married, and it was to her lover she use to sneak and see while she was married, her lover was also married. Long story short, this 2nd marriage of theirs had some weak spots, they didn't trust one another, due to the fact they had not been trustworthy partners to their original spouses. This is another thing to think about.
Like seeker says, I believe can happen. I am wishing you lots of luck with this sensitive situation. Do not let it consume you. You have your life to live, and it can be a beautiful journey, well there will be some ruts along the way, but you can get past.
Sincerely,
DE

((((((((((( for you )))))))))))))))))))

[SilkySpeed7]

UPDATE: I am distancing myself from him, I think he knows it.........