I don't know how to be alone.

I've been divorced now for just about a year, and have lived in a rented room in a friend's basement for 11 months. I haven't ever lived by myself. My landlady is a great person, and I really love her. My child ego fragment wants her to adopt us (she is my parents' age). Living here, I felt safe and secure for the first time I can remember, up until this month. I felt safe because of the trust and respect I have for my landlady, and because of the positive atmosphere in her home.

Up until a month ago, I used to go upstairs and visit with her pretty much every evening - mostly just watching TV and working on our projects. We have the same hobbies, and I thought it was mutually accepted that it is more fun to share it with someone. I sure got a lot done, and looked forward to that time with her every day.

I have just found out that she wasn't comfortable with me going upstairs all the time, and that she wants me to leave her alone. She is used to being alone, and likes it that way. She has been a widow for several years, and although she usually rents the rooms in the basement, she is comfortable living alone.

I don't know how to be alone - what to do, how to live alone, etc. I don't even like myself and I'm afraid of what I want to do to myself when depression gets bad, and it was really bad last winter. It was pretty bad this month too. I wish I could have my cats and dogs, but my landlady has very bad allergies and asthma, and she really could not live with the animals in her house. This month she was so sick from asthma that she was having trouble breathing and talking. I felt like my toxic aura might have caused her to get sick, and even though she said it was stuff in the air outside, I still think that my negative energy contributed to it.

I have learned a lot from her, and there is a lot more I want to learn from her. She was fulfilling some of my unmet developmental needs, but she didn't know it, and said I was draining her energy, although we both know I didn't mean to. She also agrees that I still need to be here, but she will have better boundaries now.

I'm working again, and making enough money now that it would be possible for me to get my own apartment. I'm trying to figure out what I need more - being where I am and trying to learn the new boundaries and how not to steal someone else's energy, etc.; or finding a place where I would really be alone but maybe I could have my cats and more room for my children to visit. And if I stay, how do I manage this situation without being an "emotional vampire."

I am divorced, I too find it hard being alone and when I am my head starts messing with me. My cat makes me feel less alone, picking up a dog next week too. So I would opt for the place where I could take pets. Although I didn't envisage be ing on my own, I am starting to value it is an opportunity to really get to knnw me. Good luck, let us know what you decide.

Is there a community program where you can participate with others or teach facets of your hobbies to others?

Learning how to be alone is really tough. My roommate is confronting the issue right now, someone else's roommate on this board is trying to confront it too, and I have personally had to confront it myself in the past. It's not easy.

I am cautious to tell you that you just have to learn how to be independent and alone, because that is an American value, and I'm not sure what your cultural background is or anything like that. But I would say to try and further develop a life that is meaningful to you, whether that includes others or not.

If you're not in counseling already, I would suggest starting on that first. Find a good therapist that you click with, even if you have to shop around for a liittle while. It sounds like you have a good idea of some of your issues (eg: developmental needs) and I suspect you would be a great candidate for therapy if you're not in there already.

Good luck and keep us posted.

I do not expect you will find much new here. Nonetheless, loneliness that leads to isolation is a serious problem.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/are-you-lonely/all/1/
http://psychcentral.com/news/2008/09...alth/2882.html
http://magazine.uchicago.edu/1012/fe...neliness.shtml
http://www.care2.com/greenliving/lon...-friends.html#

This study, Chicago Health Aging and Social Relations Study (CHASRS), has a number of other articles under the In Press section.

Rapunzel,

I too am Divorced and find it very hard to be alone.Right out of H.S.(20 years ago) I moved in with my then boyfriend. After that I was with my brother and sister-in-law and then I met my now best friend lived with her for a few months then I met my current x lived with him and got married and divorced. Now back living with my best friend/roommate. I like the way that you described being an "emotional vampire" I am very much like that with my poor roommate. She has no life of her own because I am afraid to do anything alone. We shop together and workout at the gym together, Eat together. The thought of doing any of this alone scares me. I am in the process of finding a T and a PDoc so I haven't yet addresses this issue. I just wanted you to know that I know how you feel.

it's so good to hear from you Rapunzel~!! that being said,, i've lived alone for 17 yrs, unless you count cats,, and it has been hard at times, and wonderful at times, and there's no way to predict which day it will be which way,, just like life,,

hope you find the path that you like,, best wishes,, Gus

i have never been alone either. i thought at times that i could be, and i wanted to , but now that husband is outside all the time, it makes me angry. i am better at being alone than i used to be. i have shadow with me, my yorkie. she is a lot of company. i don't believe you or anyone else has a poisonous aura. think of the nice qualities that you have reaching to others,. i know i have been clinging with others, and it is a smothering feeling. since having someone try to cling to me, i really rather be left along. i think day by day you will become more comfortable by yourself. and it isn't like you can never leave the basement, is it? cin1

I like IceCreamKids suggestion - I think you should try to live on your own or with another lady who's similar age. You could volunteer maybe at a seniors center because they can always use an extra hand...perhaps organize some sort of hobby or craft projects. If you live in a nice apartment complex you could join one the groups in your building -there's bound to be something. I don't know your age but you could also look into a walkers group - sometimes they meet up at malls before they open or on weekends outdoors. Anything that puts you in touch with possible friends who would be expecting to see you on a regular basis. BTW its nice to see you posting and knowing your job is going well.

Well, I paid rent here for September. I really want to find my way through this situation and find the balance where we can still be friends and not be hurting each other. Eventually, I do want a place where I can have pets. I just don't know when that will happen. It would mean a lot to be able to turn this around and not to leave because of an upset.

I do that sometimes. I'm going to demonstrate at the state fair, and I hang around with other people with the same hobby. She does too, though - the same activities, same crowd, etc. That's how we knew each other. Since living here, I've gone to more of that stuff because she is going, and at first she invited me to go along, then I guess I assumed that I was invited to all of those events after a while. Now I'm afraid she thinks I'm stalking her by always being in the same places.

Working on it. I'm a Norwegian-American (first generation), who grew up in a military family that moved across the state, country, or planet, about every 2-3 years. I always needed something or someone to cling to, that would give me some sense of stability. That was what I was getting from living with someone I have known for several years, during which time I have moved three times, and she had been in the same location for about half of my lifetime. I'm a bit on the autistic spectrum and I like things to stay consistent, and nothing in my life ever has, so I latch on to other people who have the consistency and stability that I could never get. But the catch is, if my anchor people ever move or aren't there anymore, I really can't deal with that.

I'm in therapy. I know I need to work on those developmental needs and trauma issues, but from week to week that stuff gets overshadowed by whatever crisis is current.

Being alone and independent is probably even a stronger value to the typical Norwegian than to most Americans.

Rap,
You mentioned the part about moving around alot.
I also moved every 3-5 years when growing up. [ I believe it made me the kind of person that never meets a stranger. LOL ]
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Your friend/landlady, may only need some space. You yourself may grow from that , as you would also be learning the independence of entertaining yourself , i.e. I do movie and TV show websites. Have really caught up on some comedies, dramas, sci-fi shows I had been meaning to do.
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ATM I'm doing caregiver/personal assistant for , [I was elected outta the family actually], but I had to learn their routine , so I was able to adjust mine to conform some. Still able to have company if need be, and they the same. But it is now without the " under feet " feeling.
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Save your $'s , make your plans. .
Specialeffects
Se.

Just a thought here - you have other parts/insiders/alters right? guess what --LOL your not alone. you have everyone in side there who have for all your life been there helping you to survive. I know its not the same as having a relationship with an outsider but believe me when it comes to life and break up, relationships with those outside the insiders can be a great help. in fact thats why they were created right - so you could survive and go on living your life.

now for my suggestion... yes its not easy learning to live on your own (s) but you can do it. it just takes alot of listening inside and not depending on outsiders to to do things you can do your self if you take the time to listen to everyones needs and wants and each of you help the others get those needs met.

examples

the one that wants to be adopted by the landlord - find out why and what makes her so attracted to the land lord. once you know that I bet you can find ways that will take care of that little one and make that little one feel safe and warm.

buy some toys and stuffed animals, crayons and anything else your insiders need. and want that will help them feel loved and cared about.

then maybe making some sort of schedule so that you all are not stuck in the basement apartment for so long a time each day, go window shopping, visit malls, libraries, volunteer at the local schools for reading to the kids, or teaching them something that they dont know how to do, volunteer at libraries, maybe start a dog walking program for the neighbors.. if a lake or stream is in your area go visit those places. There are all kinds of things that doesnt take money to do.

when you are home schedule things like special movies everyone likes, bake cookies and other special food items everyone would like..

the key to surviving living on your own is in how creative you can be about scheduling your days and finding ways of showing those inside that live with you how much you care about them and how special they are and that the things they contribute to your life is also special.

above all dont forget to do something for you the aware self too. theres a saying... when moms (or insert the words I or a name) happy everyone is happy.

if you have been in therapy in the past pull out those journals and self nurturing tools that your therapists have taught you, they are always a plus to try again and again during the hard times.

thats how I made it through my last break up, it was quite a while ago but I still remember how it scared me learning to live on my own. now Im truly am on my own considering I have integrated and at first it was scary but filling my days with work, and anything else I could come up with helped to get me through.

forgot to put in my post I just did- even though I have my partner there are times now that I feel alone because of the integration but again the busier I am the less scary it is to be on my own in regards to the DID.

I was trying to answer all of these replies last night, and kept falling asleep. I worked 13 hours yesterday. Went traveling today and didn't get home until 10 p.m. It seems like I'm still avoiding. I want to go upstairs and visit, and now I'm not sure I ever can.

You can go upstairs Rap !! , Prolly going to get a " where you been", question. Try not to over think stuff. Everybody does it, . More times than most?, it is really over thunk ! .
Specialeffects
Se.

I'm afraid to go upstairs. I thought I felt better after we talked and it was all out in the open, and she said she "doesn't dislike" me. But I'm getting sadder and more scared each day now.

I don't have DID. Just ego-fragments. All the parts are co-conscious and always have been. But I do have a few stuffed animals for Heidi. She is the creative part, but she hasn't been able to do much lately. I don't have much creative energy this month.

((((((((((((( Rap ))))))))))))))

Rap, I've had a really tough year myself so far... and apologize for not being able to keep up with the few strong friendships I have here... you included.

Yes, learning to be alone... well... even after an abusive relationship, one still longs for contact and discussion. Try and recall just how much of that you did not have nor want when married? The mind tends to recreate and recall only the "good" stuff. Ha. I have a dog. I know you love animals and that is probably a huge loss and void to you, moreso than a man.

I'm still not "used" to being alone. It's been 17 years since my divorce... and the only person who touched me with caring (other than my physical therapist) died last year. Oh and my colleague therapist let me hug him once after my mom died 2 1/2 years ago. :sobbing:

When I was totally healthy " " I looked at each change in life as the next step or a new adventure... one that was welcomed with eagerness and anticipation. When we are less than healthy, it's difficult to find that attitude.

What I find best is not to dwell upon it. Maybe feel remorse or such over a cup of coffee or tea, and when that's empty, I'm done focussing on the topic.

It's so good to hear from you. I wish you well in pursuing that final licensure...it IS worth the effort... keep trying.

Maybe you could talk with your landlady and make plans to have brunch once a week or two weeks? You can maybe tell her you don't know how to live alone, and does she have any suggestions she can share at that time???

Rapunzel, can you cultivate more friendships outside of your home life? Then stay where you are with your landlady, but keep the greater boundaries she desires, and have other friendships to fulfill your need for social life and to not be alone? It can be hard for a roommate to serve all of one's social needs (likewise, a spouse).

If you don't have friends now, could you take a class here and there to meet more people? (I'm a fine one to talk as I have very few friends and zero social life--but I'm mostly OK with that.) Your landlady seemed to want more space at home but if she goes out to hobby groups, she wants others around during those activities. Why don't you strike a balance and go to some of the same groups she does and cultivate some new groups or friends too? Maybe strive for going to only half of the same activities she does? It doesn't sound like she said she never wants to see you in any context again, just wants greater privace in her home.

Please don't jump to conclusions that your "toxic aura" caused your landlady's asthma to worsen. She likes to keep to herself and she also has asthma. No need to add any cause and effect in there. It's hard enough to have someone change boundaries on us like that without adding to the hurt feelings by thinking we caused more difficulty than we did.

Are you allowed to go upstairs to hang out there without interacting with the landlady? Like can you go in the kitchen to cook, eat, sit at the table and read the newspaper? Or in the living room to watch TV? It seems like it would be hard to confine yourself to one room only just to ensure you don't encounter the landlady. If you do encounter her, can you just nod and say hello, but not have to retreat to your room? (I'm not sure what your rent agreement is--if you will have full access to the house or just your bedroom?) It just seems since she has set stronger boundaries it might be easy to overreact and assume "I'm not allowed to see her at all" when that is not the case.

I hope someday you can live again in a place you can have animals with you. I have 2 cats and I love their presence.

The basement has its own kitchen and living areas, which are shared with the other renter. The other renter thinks that I am the maid. She makes a mess everywhere and leaves it, including garbage heaps. When I ask her to help clean up, she hides in her room for a week (I asked her to pick up some of her garbage on Wednesday - she rolled her eyes at me, got up and went to her room, and I haven't seen her since. The garbage is still there).

I am working on cultivating other friendships, and keeping myself busy with things away from home as much as I can. I think maybe I would be allowed upstairs once in a while if I can get my emotions under control. As it is right now, I cry any time I get in the car (I'm alone with my thoughts and they catch up with me then), and whenever I am home. Today, I got home from church and there were some things sitting on the table where I pick up my mail with a note from the landlady that they were for a service project I'm working on. I went to thank her, and I was already fighting back tears, and she looked sad too, maybe concerned. I know that she was trying not to hurt me when we had the talk about boundaries, but I think if I go upstairs and can't control my emotions, that would be unacceptable, and I can't, and it's getting worse.

She might talk to me a little about how she learned to be independent and live alone. I don't know. But when I start crying, she ends the conversation.

I really miss my animals. I go walk the dogs with my daughter sometimes, but hardly ever get to see my cats, and I'm scared that my ex will lose the house and get rid of them.

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Rap,
It seems hard, yes,...work with the control you have, seeing your daughter and walking the dogs. If ya feel like a maid?, incorporate it into your routine. [ I dislike much when another rolls their eyes at me .]
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Try to not allow judgement from others to alienate your wants, needs, or goals. Know that the cost of getting or finding yourself in a better place in the future?,,sometimes sacrifices need to be made.

hang-in there!
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Specialeffects
Se.