[lynn P.]

Since 2006 I have been saying I want a divorce but he doesn't listen. Since he threatened to make it ugly I haven't made the 1st move. I firmly stated in an email the other day, that I wanted a divorce since there's nothing left to salvage in the marriage and I can see its affecting the girls. All along I've reassured him, it would be civil and I don't want to ruin him financially. In others words I will be the ideal ex wife. All I want is fairness and I don't want to fight over things. His response to the email was "okay divorce done". Usually when he calls to say goodnight to the girls he'll say "how are you" - he didn't. In other words he's giving me the cold shoulder.

I find it difficult to talk to him in person, so I sent another email the next day saying - if the kids sense you're being this way, it will only stress them out, so why not be civil at least. We have a friend who's a divorce lawyer and he said this morning that he talked to her but she can't handle the case since she's a friend to both of us. She can draw up some papers and recommend another lawyer. So it seems like this is progressing finally. I should feel relieved and part of me does but the other part of me feels scared since I haven't been single for 27 yrs and known him for 34 yrs.

At this point I don't know if he's going to sell the house. I know its common to miss even dysfunctional relationships because change is scary.

[racee]

i'm sorry i don't have any counsoling words. but about missing even dysfunctional people.

i just got done talking to a friend about her breakup. take love and put it aside and all the other emotions. theres still a person standing there. someone who you have spent a good chunk of your life with. you ought to be crazy not to miss that. (unless it was bad from the get)
but, you can't just tell your brain okk this person i'm used to being around day in day out is just going to up and dissapear from my life and your not aloud to have any emotions about it.
people in general are not bad, it's hteir actions they choose to follow which can be bad.
it's fun rediscovering yourself again, being with someone for so long you can become so dependent on that person being there weather its good or bad at least their there.

whenever anyone gets into relationships a little pieces of you get left behind because of all the compromises you make because you want the relationship to work and then reely on them to complete the parts that you left behind. now is the time to find those pieces you left and be YOU again.

am i being cryptic i know it's hard to follow me at times, it's bad people skills.

[gma45]

Oh Lynn I am so sorry you have to go though this. You said it....Change is scary! Both of you will have an adjustment period. I think him giving you the cold shoulder last night is his way of detaching himself from you, it will be alright in the end. You are a good person and he knows that. I just hope you both will not let the material stuff get in the way to much, That is what is hard, remember its just STUFF! I know your girls will do good once it is all said and done, They are smart like their mother! You know what we say around here just keep posting everything will be fine! P.S. I am still friends with my x. We were married 13yrs.

There will be some serious grieving. You are in my thoughts.

[shezbut]

(((lynn P.)))

I'm sorry that you've reached the end with your husband. Have you thought about using mediation, to keep the divorce as "positive" as you can? That's what my ex and I did ~ as neither of us wanted our separation to hurt the girls. That was our motivation.

We had to work together, to come up with custody/visitation plans, etc. But that certainly gave us more freedom. Some things weren't real important to me, and vice-versa, so mediation made that pretty simple. My ex and I have mainly stayed on friendly terms with one another since our divorce. I cried several times as I realized the depth.

But, it was nice to get my ex, his attorney and the counseling mediator to leave for a few minutes while I cried. My attorney stayed with me, for social support.

Bottom line: mediation wasn't super easy, but it was a lot less painful than it would have felt in a courtroom. In mediation, we met in our attorneys offices. All sitting around the same table, talking about options and decisions. We all wanted to make things as easy and painless as possible for everyone ~ but especially our daughters. We made the right decision for us. It really was as positive as it could be. And that was important to us.

Eric and I were married for 14 years +1 (which I don't count, because we were in the process of mediation for exactly one year). A long time spent with one another. It's hard to let go of that sometimes. But, you will always have a bond with one another, and that is your children. The feelings come in waves, usually spread out though. Sometimes I get waves of sadness that we couldn't fix our marriage. (That's most common for me, personally.) Other times, I get a wave of anger that Eric doesn't push the girls to drink their milk ~ while their bones are being built, very important! Mostly, I have acceptance.

I've developed a relationship with another man, re-kindling my interest in the bedroom. Life goes on....

Gentle hugs sent your way ~ try to take things one day at a time. It is an emotional time for you and your hub, keep that in mind. We often say things that we don't really mean when we're super emotional. Try not to give in on everything, in hopes to make your hub happy. If X isn't real important to you, great. That makes the experience easier for both of you. Just remind yourself that the decisions that you're making will be in effect very long-term, so make sure you're using good judgment in the decisions.

[Sabrina]

Lynn, it takes a lot of courage to make such a big change, especially with young children. I commend your strength and hope that your husband treats this in a civil way. I send you much strength as you embark on this new chapter in your life.

[turquoisesea]

(((((Lynn))))))

[ledz]

Lynn, Someone recently advised me that chemistry fades with time and what becomes important are all of the other qualities we have to offer someone. Be true to yourself. Reinforce the qualities which you have shared as you built a life, a family and friendships.
Your intent to keep things civil, not fight over stuff, play fair and protect your family from the ugliness is commendable. Be as compassionate as possible.There's no weakness in that. Only love.This is who you are.These are your qualities. What he will be missing.
As to his coldness.. it's instinctive to become defensive. To withdraw from what he may see as a threat. He will be expecting the worst. He will defend as such.
Stay on message. Keep your chin up...that knowing smile there to guide others.
I know that you are upset enough already Lynn, but please listen...
*I can't stress a point more than this...You say you have not made a move legally. It is imperative, CRITICAL, that you file first! Do not wait another day if possible.
I know this goes against your nature Lynn and I wish my X was just like you,(wouldn't probably be divorced but you are going to have to play hardball with the legal system.
"shezbut" is right on target suggesting mediation. It neutralizes lawyer on lawyer courtroom histrionics which is where is gets ugly. Mediate in a peaceful, fair, place. YOUR choice! Make this your request as you file the proper documents with the court.
Start by filing ASAP. FIRST! I hate this too but you have to defend yourself or possibly be at his mercy indefinitely. It's a harsh reality. Please deal with it. Put all the fairness you can think of in the documents. Be true to yourself. Know that you have done the right thing. Everything is going to be OK Lynn.
Oh, and by the way...
Thank you so much for pointing out that all my little qualities are ultimately what matter and that there's more to me than just a chemical rush. Thanks for sharing your goodness. It's what matters.

[lynn P.]

Thank you everyone for all the support - I appreciate every single post, including the detailed ones. TBH I'm not knowledgeable about how divorces go here in Canada. I got the impression this morning that he doesn't want to involve several lawyers and go to court. He said doing it this way would save money so I'm hoping he means mediation as Shezbut - I'm all for that. I highly doubt he would ever want to drag this out in court because he doesn't want to waste the money and he also has more to lose. Some of you might not know, but the main reason we're splitting is because he went and married another woman (in a religious sense) supposedly in Michigan. This would be very damaging for his reputation not to mention his being emotionally/mentally abusive revealed.

I don't have any intention of taking more than I need to keep me and the kids reasonably comfortable. I'm even willing to move to a smaller house if I have to. I also will agree to him seeing the girls whenever he wants to.

Ledz - thanks for your response but I'm wondering why I should file first?...maybe you know something I don't. For now I'm going to see if he actually is having papers drawn up and whats in those papers. As far as I know I don't think I could be railroaded and if I sense that I'll ask my lawyer friend to give me a referral. If he does this the hard way, then people would find out what kind of person he really is and that's not to his advantage. I hesitated all these years to file 1st because he has threatened to make my life miserable by saying quote "your ***** is grass". I wanted to get him to cooperate and agree this is the right thing to do. All I want to live in basic human comfort, raise my girls and he can see them as he wishes. BTW the girls are very supportive and accepting of this because I've always reassured them, they still have the support of 2 parents and never have to take sides.

[Flooded]

He feels very threatened because as you said, he has more to lose, so in a sense, he is VERY afraid of you and what this divorce could do to his precious rep.

This could work to your advantage

ps I'm very cynical so feel free to ignore me

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by Flooded

He feels very threatened because as you said, he has more to lose, so in a sense, he is VERY afraid of you and what this divorce could do to his precious rep.

This could work to your advantage

ps I'm very cynical so feel free to ignore me

I agree with you Flooded and I don't think you're cynical or maybe I'm cynical too lol. I probably am since I've been through so much. He knows from the beginning I wanted a divorce but gave him 1 year...now its almost an embarrassing 6 yrs. He sounded flustered and looked vulnerable this morning, so I agree he has everything to lose therefore he should appreciate the fact I'm being completely fair even understanding. I appreciate your post.

[ledz]

Ty Lynn.. Better safe than sorry , right? If you want great advise you can find it on a site formatted exactly as this one is...
www.freeadvise.com
Legal Forum>Family Law/Divorce, Separation, Annulment
All the best, Tom

[Open Eyes]

(((((((Lynn))))))))

I know that you have been struggling with this for quite some time now and your true heart is always about what the right thing to do is. And as someone in a bad situation I understand that personal struggle because deep in your heart it has been more about your children than anything else.

I would like to point out something that did work with you being able to reach through the pride in your husband to a place where he saw the importance in how his children feel as well.

I know that this is going to be very difficult for you Lynn, it truely is a big decision and I can totally understand how the prospects of being alone is for you. Even in the bad situation you were in there was some sense of safety for you and your girls via a roof over your heads and food on the table. And I think that you have pretty much been over the husband but not over the comfort and safety that you had once felt.

What both you and your husband have to continue to focus on is doing your best for the two children you both created and how to present the best way to handle themselves in a situation where they may not be truely happy. It is clear that you both love your children and they also love both of you. And they DO struggle with how you and your husband have parted ways, it IS uncomfortable for them.

As you already have learned your husband does respond when you discuss your children. So from now on you must keep that a focus for him and remind him that you both love the children and you both should teach them that if they are unhappy they do have an option to salvage their lives and find other ways of making a life for themselves. This way he will be able to keep his pride in the process and you can remind him that all you really want is a place for the girls to truely feel they can love you both and FEEL SAFE TOO. And that is really important that he understand that your children will NEED TO FEEL SAFE in making choices. Neither you or your husband will be able to control their futures and who they end up with, but you CAN show them that they can be strong and independent and will be loved by both of you.

Lynn, you do have a gift of knowing how to speak to others without rattling them.
You have been practicing this in PC a lot without really realizing it. Now you can truely put this talent into your own life. And we will be here to support YOU.

Open Eyes

[AAAAA]

Lynn, I am so sorry that you are going through this, but how much relief you must feel because you are finally going to be through with it.

[Yoda]

((((Lynn))))

[sunrise]

Lynn, good for you for trying to keep the proceedings amicable and putting your kids first. Keep your eyes on the prize--happy, well-adjusted, thriving kids--and that will help you keep on track with many divorce decisions.

No one has mentioned collaborative divorce--that's different from mediation and does not involve going to court. My former husband and I used that method to dissolve our marriage. It is available in Canada. I think it offers a bit more protection than mediation; anyway, it worked for us--we have a very cordial co-parenting relationship. Go here for more information:
http://www.collaborativepractice.com/

Originally Posted by lynn P.

For now I'm going to see if he actually is having papers drawn up and whats in those papers. As far as I know I don't think I could be railroaded

Lynn, I'm a little concerned that you're being kind of passive on this. This is a super important document! I think it would be so helpful to you if you could be involved in its creation. Can you and your H and a lawyer sit down together to draw this up? That way both of your ideas can be incorporated? If your H draws up the papers, yes, you can always say no to certain things, but it has a really different flavor to "opt out" like that, instead of creating something together that you both are OK with from the start. I urge you to be involved and not just leave the legal stuff up to him. Be a team and do it together.

Originally Posted by lynn P.

At this point I don't know if he's going to sell the house.

This is what I mean about being passive, Lynn. It's not up to him to sell the house. You both need to be involved in that decision. You own that house together, don't you? Please keep communication open. If you "don't know", that is not a good sign. Talk about the house with him.

Originally Posted by lynn P.

I also will agree to him seeing the girls whenever he wants to.

If you're having an amicable and civil divorce, won't you have joint custody? Then you don't have to specify things in the document like he can see the girls any time. He's their dad--let's hope he can see them, and live with them too, at least part of the time. Remember, eyes on the prize. Do what's best for the girls. For many children, that's often joint custody (unless one of the parents is abusive, lives far away, etc.). Kids need both their parents. Joint custody doesn't mean 50/50 equal time spent with the children, just some time, and that both parents have input into important decisions about their children. My former H and I have joint ("shared") custody, although my girls spend more time with me (about 65/35).

Good luck to you, lynn. It's a sad time, but can also be a relief. Like walking around after you take your heavy ski boots off. You may feel like you can fly when it's over.

[KathyM]

(((Lynn))) We're here for you....

[missbelle]

Originally Posted by KathyM

(((Lynn))) We're here for you....

Ditto!!! Hang in there!!!

[AvidReader]

(((((((((((((((lynn P.)))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but it sounds like it might be for the best. I'm not sure of Canadian law, but I agree with several of the others that mediation is likely your best option. That's what my husband and I are doing, and, like you, we want to keep things as civil and amicable as possible, for the kids' sake.

I would definitely recommend hiring an attorney to help guide you through the mediation process so you can be sure your rights are being protected, esp. since you've been married so long. It took me awhile, but I finally found an affordable one, and he's nice, not a shark who is looking to take my husband to the cleaners, which I don't want. He understands that it's to be an amicable mediation, but after 17 years of my own marriage, and staying at home with the kids since they were babies, I definitely did not want to go through mediation without someone to guide me.

Byzantine is right when he said there will be some serious grieving. It will be tough, but you sound like a strong (and kind) woman, and I have faith that you will get through this!

Our situations are so similar. Feel free to PM me any time if you ever want to vent.

Good luck!!!!

[hopenfaith71]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

Since 2006 I have been saying I want a divorce but he doesn't listen. Since he threatened to make it ugly I haven't made the 1st move. I firmly stated in an email the other day, that I wanted a divorce since there's nothing left to salvage in the marriage and I can see its affecting the girls. All along I've reassured him, it would be civil and I don't want to ruin him financially. In others words I will be the ideal ex wife. All I want is fairness and I don't want to fight over things. His response to the email was "okay divorce done". Usually when he calls to say goodnight to the girls he'll say "how are you" - he didn't. In other words he's giving me the cold shoulder.

I find it difficult to talk to him in person, so I sent another email the next day saying - if the kids sense you're being this way, it will only stress them out, so why not be civil at least. We have a friend who's a divorce lawyer and he said this morning that he talked to her but she can't handle the case since she's a friend to both of us. She can draw up some papers and recommend another lawyer. So it seems like this is progressing finally. I should feel relieved and part of me does but the other part of me feels scared since I haven't been single for 27 yrs and known him for 34 yrs.

At this point I don't know if he's going to sell the house. I know its common to miss even dysfunctional relationships because change is scary.

My advice is to secure it in paper. In oststates you can draw up a legal seperation between the two of you, using a mediatior which is an attorney that is on the side of making it fair. You file it with the county and live apart for a year. Then you file for divorse. 1st step is protect yourself so he cannot undermind you and if you do it thu a mediatior, he wont feel attacted.

[lynn P.]

I wanted to say thank you again to everyone who responded and sorry if I don't thank you individually. I will quote to some who have specific directions, but I still appreciate even hugs alone just as much.

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by sunrise

Lynn, good for you for trying to keep the proceedings amicable and putting your kids first. Keep your eyes on the prize--happy, well-adjusted, thriving kids--and that will help you keep on track with many divorce decisions.

No one has mentioned collaborative divorce--that's different from mediation and does not involve going to court. My former husband and I used that method to dissolve our marriage. It is available in Canada. I think it offers a bit more protection than mediation; anyway, it worked for us--we have a very cordial co-parenting relationship. Go here for more information:
http://www.collaborativepractice.com/

Lynn, I'm a little concerned that you're being kind of passive on this. This is a super important document! I think it would be so helpful to you if you could be involved in its creation. Can you and your H and a lawyer sit down together to draw this up? That way both of your ideas can be incorporated? If your H draws up the papers, yes, you can always say no to certain things, but it has a really different flavor to "opt out" like that, instead of creating something together that you both are OK with from the start. I urge you to be involved and not just leave the legal stuff up to him. Be a team and do it together.

This is what I mean about being passive, Lynn. It's not up to him to sell the house. You both need to be involved in that decision. You own that house together, don't you? Please keep communication open. If you "don't know", that is not a good sign. Talk about the house with him.

If you're having an amicable and civil divorce, won't you have joint custody? Then you don't have to specify things in the document like he can see the girls any time. He's their dad--let's hope he can see them, and live with them too, at least part of the time. Remember, eyes on the prize. Do what's best for the girls. For many children, that's often joint custody (unless one of the parents is abusive, lives far away, etc.). Kids need both their parents. Joint custody doesn't mean 50/50 equal time spent with the children, just some time, and that both parents have input into important decisions about their children. My former H and I have joint ("shared") custody, although my girls spend more time with me (about 65/35).

Good luck to you, lynn. It's a sad time, but can also be a relief. Like walking around after you take your heavy ski boots off. You may feel like you can fly when it's over.

Thank you very much sunrise for your helpful post. Unfortunately I'm not knowledgeable about law or divorces. The collaborative or civil divorce is exactly what I want. TBH I'm doubting if he's even serious about this and instead is testing the waters because we've danced around this subject for 6 yrs but not to this point where he said he spoke to a lawyer.

I have to give a bit of history, but will say I won't sign anything unless its fair. He on the other hand is interested in reading law cases and is kind of a wannabe lawyer. He had several law suits through out the yrs and several friends who are lawyers. Since he's has potential/history of being emotionally abusive I have to tip toe around him. Yes I basically have been cornered to be passive. He's extremely controlling especially with money, so I don't know how he's going to manage giving me money without knowing where every penny goes. I literally have to ask for money to get groceries.

If he's having papers drawn up, I suppose that would take a few days so I'm going to wait and see. I don't think 1 lawyer can represent both of us, so I admit this is nerve wracking. I know he struggles with not wanting to lose control over me. I have a feeling he might try to dodge a set amount given to me monthly and instead make it voluntary. The disadvantage to this is I would still be under his control and if he's mad he might withhold money. I have a feeling the only time I won't be under any control is when my kids are legal age. I know I want it to be civil and hoping he does follow through. He's extremely stubborn.

A good example of how I'm so out of decisions - 13 yrs ago he bought the house we're in without even telling me. He also buys cars without my input. He even brags about that and thinks its humorous.

[lynn P.]

I also wanted to add, I told both my girls separately. They both knew I've wanted this since the beginning but I told them about this 3 yrs ago. After I initially told them, I reassured them, we would be respectful to each other and they would still see their father. I explained none of this was their fault and they can still love us the same way and we'll always love them.

The same day he said spoke to the lawyer, I told both girls separately - my oldest seemed relieved but was sensitive to be respectful of my emotions of some sadness mixed with cautious relief...and she gave me a hug - she's wise old soul. My youngest was also not upset and even said "I'm kind of happy because if you're happier, then I be happy too" - that broke my heart and tells me this really is affecting them. At least they know the truth mostly, so they don't have to wonder or worry what the heck is making me sad or why are their parents so cold and awkward. All she wanted to know was, if we're moving and could she stay in the same school - she loves her school and friends. She was also worried about our dog Bella and would we keep her no matter what. I told her Bella was for sure staying with us no matter what. I never want to make them feel they have to choose parents or think its their fault in any way.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

I have a feeling he might try to dodge a set amount given to me monthly and instead make it voluntary.

Lynn, you really need to educate yourself about divorce! This can't happen; it's a legal agreement and the amounts are all in there and he has to give you whatever amount is agreed to. You need to get a separation agreement made up, get your own lawyer, etc. He can't do it for you!

http://family.findlaw.com/divorce/di.../le22_3_1.html

[AAAAA]

I am so happy that your girls took the news so well. I think that you are right, they did know what was going on. They may not know or understand the details but they knew something was not right. Children are so much more intelligent, observant and intuitive than we give them credit for. I am so happy that you are taking care of this now. You and your husband are teaching them how a relationship should be. If they grow up seeing an unhealthy relationship and accepting that is “normal” then they are more likely to be in a relationship like that.

I know that it is the last thing on your mind right now, but once you’ve healed from this relationship, find a wonderful man that will treat you how you deserve to be treated so that they learn what a healthy relationship is.

I think that it is wonderful that you still have faith that your soon to be ex-husband will treat you fairly, but make sure that you are looking out for yourself. His history indicates that he is going to do what he damn well wants with little regard to you or your girl’s feelings. Good luck to you all!