Marriage Counseling

Update !!!! Well my wife tried to take her life over the stress in are home, scared me to death could not believe she would actually try something to this effect. Talking out of the marriage with other females has made it a real disaster now,3 days ICU 3 day psych ward wow very confused and hurt form her action.How to deal no idea what or how!!!!!! this has totally came from left field, she is starting counseling this week an has also asked me to start marriage counseling again I am unsure I even want to attempt to go through that humiliation again I am lost on what todo. I have decided to try to save or tempt to try to save what is left but I am unsure of everything. She has took her wedding rings off I felt that was a good indication it was over but I brought to her attention after I removed my wedding band

She didn't even notice mine was off wow I thought this was a sign it was over but just the opposite she acts an has treated me grate we have been getting along to good scares me the unknown, why treat me good if she has took her rings off I am very confused.We have talked many hours about everything ,that was nice was grate connection we have never had before, but the rings I do not get it that hurts me bad inside seeing her with out them is that stupid lol seems to be to me.

Wow, there is definitely "something wrong" if your wife tried to take her life. What have the doctors said to you about this?

I see you saying you had a long talk and it was "nice", what did she say? Is she in therapy? You need to pay attention to what is going on with her IMO. Something is bothering her "very deeply" and "she has had a lot of anger". Forget about that "rings" for now, it is more important to learn about what is really going on with your wife.

In the back of my mind I am wondering if she is hiding something from her past, maybe something that happened to her when she was around the ages of your daughters. Something she never talked about, kept to herself. It is just a question that stands out to me.

For someone to harm themselves like that, that is anger at self from something very deep. Keep your mind open, listen to her and keep a close eye on her. As I said, I hope she is in therapy.

Open Eyes

therapy starts soon think this week I am not for sure an marriage counselling again.About it was nice I felt she was starting to open up an talk more rather then holding everything inside. I think one of my mistakes was letting my wife read my threads on here she really thought I was trying to get dates or something on this site so I know that was bothering her real bad ,when I was spending hours on the pc.We do not communicate very well,
she believes I almost had an affair because I talked to many other women besides her I think that was the trigger but I am unsure at this point.My feelings are not very good after all that she has done I am very confused and unsure of my future at this time.

I did the same thing your wife did.....only many times. It was after I lost my engineering career.....so we all thought including myself that it was the loss of my career that was the cause of my suicide attempts....only now after I left my husband 5 years ago.....I am looking back at what was going on & I realize that I was hiding in my career away from the bad marriage that had been bad since before we got married......I realized I had lost respect for my fiance before we got married & even told my mother I didn't want to marry him...but she said he would grow up & become responsible.....he never did. I should have forced the divorce while I had my career, but instead, we decided that we were both better off financially staying married even if we were basically separate (without seeing anyone outside of the marriage). The problem was after I lost my career, I ended up feeling completely trapped in the marriage....& he made it feel impossible to get out of....fought separating everything. He was a nice guy on the outside....but never would communicate & was completely irresponsible when it came to finances & he wouldn't lie about things but he would just keep quiet & not say anything & believe that his not telling me something had nothing to do with lying by omission. I was so miserable & wanted out of the marriage that I felt trapped in because he didn't want out....later on he commented about it would have made him feel like a failure......had no idea I was fighting that attitude when I wanted the divorce. That trapped feeling for me made me feel that my only way out was suicide.....& I kept trying......no suicide notes or anything. Obviously I failed or I wouldn't be here typing today......& I am glad now that all my attempts did fail even though there were many close calls during those years......no one got it that it had anything to do with the marriage.....even though I left his several times during those years.

Sometimes suicide attempts are a cry for help or a cry to feel loved....& other times they are just a plain cry like mine was that "I want OUT!!!!".

It would be good for you to know where your wife was really coming from with her attempt....but like me, she may not really know at this point.....but that communication would be a good one to try to have with her.....& maybe going to therapy with her could help you understand where she was coming from a lot better.

I understand your confused feelings.....think your wife has a lot of confused feelings also or she wouldn't have ended up attempting suicide like she did......hope you all can sort through your marriage & make the best decision for you all on whether to get out of the marriage or try to REALLY make it work.

At this time she has been really nice to me so nice it scars me we have been apart so long I really do not know how to take it as in we stay married or we do not stay married at present time I felt it was over and it was all my fault I felt I was the only one trying to make it work cause she kicked me out and the year I had last was the last year I was going to feel like I did. My wife now seems stable but she is really sad days I have asked her if would be best for me to leave she says she would feel lost an unwanted and she is afraid of loosing me as a husband!!!, way I felt all last year I felt I was holding here back and I was the burden cause she did not have time for me.So at this time not sure is a cry to get out of the marriage or a cry to be loved.

Tonight we have came to agreements maybe if I leave for awhile might help we both have decided this and are in agreement with this so I am gone for awhile to see if maybe this will help my family I am unsure but willing to do anything at this point peace be all thanks for all the help..........

Back home now had alot changes in both my wife and myself we still working things out they all not back to normal yet but we are both in positive motion hope for the best cause I really do love her so much, very hard being away from your family was really driving me crazy but time I think away has really help us to go forward. I am afraid if things not go right this time will be the end of us I will try my best.

It is very nice to see you and your wife trying hard to work through your struggles. I'm sure that it isn't fun or easy. But it is encouraging to see that you are both still trying to improve your relationship. That's great! I really wish your family the best.

Just wanted to give you some words of encouragement to show that we really are listening and do care.

I want my wife but I am having issues with my self I am lost she does love me but I don't.Think I am home way to son I have mixed feelings bad not sure why but do.

1tash1. I’ve read all of your posts in this thread. I wonder, have you gone back and re-read them? How do you feel about what you’ve written over the months? I know it is important for you to move forward, but the thing about history is if we do not learn from our mistakes we are bound to repeat them. It is difficult to look the mistakes we’ve made in the eye and take responsibility for them. I’ve lived this life you see. As a child of an alcoholic and then as the wife of one. My husband has been sober for 15 years and my father 28 years at the time of his death. I avoid alcohol because I have seen the destruction that is has done to my entire family.

Some of your posts scream to me as the child of an alcoholic and some of them as a wife. This is a support site and I will give you support to the best of my abilities.

First the positive. I was 12 years old when my father realized that while he could stop drinking, the emotional roller coaster he was on would not end without professional help. At that time that meant inpatient treatment at a rehab center for over 2 months. I do not know why they changed things, everyone that my father was in rehab with at that time successfully battled their demon alcohol. I digress sorry. At a time when alcoholic to most people meant: bum on sleeping on the street that could not hold a job, family etc I knew differently. I knew it was a disease. I knew even then that my father was not in control the alcohol was. He was a very respected, very successful man. People could not believe it when he sought treatment. For many it was because they sat next to him drink for drink and it perhaps put a spotlight on their own behavior. Digress again! Sorry. But here is what I want you to know as a child of a functioning alcoholic: I never blamed my father. I blamed my mother. You see, she was not under the influence of alcohol. She was in her right mind. The love she had for my father allowed her, my brother and me to endure those abuses. Lest you think the physical abuse was the worst part, I am here to tell you welts go down, bruises heal, but those words spoken in a drunken rage haunt us all to this day. I said this was the positive part right? Well here it is. I have never been so proud of anyone or respected anymore in my entire life as I did when my father took responsibility for all of the destruction he caused. He did not blame his upbringing (being raised by wolves would have been an upgrade), he did not blame his high stress job or anything else. HE TOOK RESPONSIBILITIY and he gave us a heartfelt apology. It was not easy seeing my father humble. To this day he is still the strongest, most noble incredible man I have ever met. But by taking responsibility he acknowledged all that he had put us through. Words cannot express how much that meant to me, even as a 12 year old child if I ever was one. On the other hand, I still have issues with my mother because she has never acknowledged her part in that mess. She was/is happy to blame it on the alcohol and not address the fact she should have walked out the door to protect her children! As a mother I will never understand that choice.

I’ve ranted quite a bit, and I suspect I could rant a lot more! But this is a support site and the very best advice I can give you based on your posts is that life is not a competition or a war for people to take sides. At some point you have to accept the mistakes you’ve made and even the consequences for them. Although your children who may have made bad choices based upon the life they led need to make good decisions as well. You can only blame so much on the way you were raised. My brother and I are polar opposites. He took the negative and became a negative person. Drinking bad choices etc. I took the negative and learned what NOT to do. I know how life should have been and did my very best to create that environment for my own children. I’ve made my own mistakes to be sure.

Please consider this: what happened before did not work. It’s not a matter of how you were raised, how your wife was raised, the population of your family, who’s to blame, etc. There is no blame, there is no fault. There is only learning and moving forward.

I have been unable to address the issues between you and your wife for a reason. I have been unable to formulate a supportive way of stating my opinion. I ask you this. Please listen to what she said without making excuses, being defensive, or formulating your response. Listen to what she says, it sounds like it has taken a long time for either you to hear her or for her to be able communicate. Listen, HEAR, think, think again (what is she trying to tell you, if you cannot figure it out ASK) then respond.

I wish you and your family health, happiness and peace.

U are awesome thank you,I want to take all the blame but truth be known I never realized my wife was unhappy with me she always made me feel good no matter what happened. My wife not being truthful has really beat me down. Last year I felt un welcome at my house for the hole year was even told in ways I wasn't welcome, I finally took the initiative to just say ok I quit I give up I can't do no more I am out and then only then it all changed why why why why I say to my self I have done everything I thought possible to make my family work I have exhausted myself to the end, and now she wants me home as a husband and everything has changed....

Changed.... Now I have issues with myself feeling the thought of nothing but failing on everything I have gave to them from my heart for my family, I have 2 feet out the door then and then with tears in my eyes she wants me wants the man that has made her miserable in her marriage for years she told the councilor in front of me when I had no idea and now I hate myself I am home glad but destroyed binge drinking from the pain I feel I have done for god sake I have lost one daughter cause of this she now lives else were, cuts me like a knife when I come home and she is not here I am lost I feel lost I am in limbo with my feelings I have no idea what to do I am a complete wreak in my head, lost a grate friend over this I ust to talk to she was a girl so did make it awkward but at-least she had 19 years of experience but not cool I am married I get that I really do so that has went away now I am alone alone in my head just taking each day one at a time I feel so helpless inside but I am trying to move forward but seems I am at a stand still. I drink I relax I cry that is my typical evening everyday for last few weeks.....

1tash,

You said some things today that caught my eye. I just want to be sure that I understand what you're saying.

Since moving back into the house, you feel like things are a bit surreal. While you're there physically, you aren't truly there emotionally. Things have changed in the household, and you aren't real comfortable. You aren't sure why this is ~ and you miss having that young girl friend as a part of your life. It sounds as though you feel that your friend was supportive to you, she made things more clear to you. And now, you're confused about how you truly feel about your wife. How will you know that she's being her true self? You now drink for relaxation and then you cry. Pretty much daily.

Is this right?

The drinking shouts out to me. While you may not be drinking to a drunken stupor, it is still a part of your life. You aren't going to be able to get into a clear state of mind until you get those drinks out of your life completely.

Why do you suppose the drink (or two) lets you relax, which then leads to tears?? What thought/s go across your mind right before tears strike? Is it guilt and shame? Or frustration that things haven't been fixed yet, with some resentment towards your wife (for not speaking up w/you years ago & being honest)?

Fixing the core issues always becomes complicated by drinking. Always! That is one of the reasons why sobriety has to be done completely. When we drink, our perspective becomes skewed & while we may think that we're being completely honest and reasonable, tons of studies have shown that we actually aren't. It's going to be really tough to figure out how you truly feel about your wife and your future as a married couple ~ maybe your fear is what's compelling you to start drinking again. But, these difficult feelings can't be worked through like this. Your post just really sounds like a cry out for help to me.

My advice: Move back out and work upon yourself until you have a sense of confidence in who you are, what you want, and feel ready to bond with your wife (or ready to let go). But you have to be completely sober before you'll be able to go farther in the relationship. Right now just isn't fair to you or her.

I hope that this helps you.

I do understand your frustration with your wife not communicating with you. It’s a violation of your trust. You thought things were one way but they were not. We ALL have our perspectives. One is not more right than another. You and I can watch the exact same thing and see entirely different things.

Your feelings are valid. You have a right to be frustrated, angry and hurt. Your family's feelings are valid as well. No one is “right” no one is to blame. There is a huge difference between blame and responsibility. This is a complicated time for all of you. I would gently give you this advice: that bottle is not your friend. It may make you feel better for a minute, but the rest of the day is shot. This will end up biting you in the @ss.

What’s done is done. You cannot change the past, but you can make the future better. I do not know what is going on with your daughter, but if she’s ready, hearing her out and acknowledging that you’ve made mistakes and you understand she’s hurting but you are genuinely trying to make improvements will go a long way in the healing process. I suspect there are some deep wounds here. It took a long time to create them and they will not heal overnight.

I think my next comment is important for you to hear. I’m not a diplomat and while it may come out harsh, please accept it in the spirit in which it’s given. You’re in a difficult position right now. You have had some hard knocks. But wallowing in self-pity isn’t going to change anything. In fact it will make it worse. It is giving you permission to stay where you are rather than grow. Please find some support of your own; whether that is AA or one on one therapy of your own.

I agree I moved back in way to soon, but how do you tell the ones you love the most that you are not ready to come home. I am not right in my feelings I have issues with what I have caused prior to all this,I can't forgive myself for what has happened,I am trying but yes I drink out of shame for what I did, facing them tears my heart up just the thought of all that happened I was thinking everything was perfect all the time,yes I got support from a friend that really helped me and made me realize what has happened.My wife told me she knows I love her but on same breath she said I know ur not in love with me,I would do anything to make her happy and complete but but right now I can't help no one I can't even help my self.I am going to try try to slow down an not drink well not binge drinking I have been doing that for a couple months now out of feeling like a failior as a father an also as a husband.I will take your advise to heart I will try my best thank you.

http://www.247helpyourself.com

http://hamsnetwork.org/

http://aa.org

Please check the attached sites for assistance in working through alcohol abuse. You are struggling with emotions that are difficult to fight without support from others who are be able to relate. You will find yourself again ~ but it takes time and perseverance. You need to forgive yourself before you can move forward in life.

Best wishes to you....

Sober now 4 days really tough to do but I am trying, I am working on finding myself not in a bottle, the emotions are still there but easier to hide when I not drinking lol not good but lol time they say will heal we will see thx all.

Good to hear Tash. Take it a minute at a time. Please find some outside form of support for this.

I am doing very well I think with my wife so far has been a grate year to me compared to last year we both are communicating some but not enough yet I know is gonna take time to get back to were we ust to be not even close yet but all an all in right direction at this time I feel.I am still battling my drinking issues but as everything else is going as good as to be expected at this time.Not sure if meds my wife are on is why we getting alone but she is doing alot better as well,time will tell I trying to stay focused on making right decisions best of my ability,I got away to my self some Saturday with a couple my life long friends was a good time I needed to get out house bad lol just updating all have a good one everyone.

Thanks for the update Tash. I hope that things continue to improve

Myself an wife are getting along grate at this time and are oldest is having a baby wow I gonna feel old now lol