Marriage Counseling

It's really nice to hear that you've seen and felt some real improvement between yourself and your wife. That is wonderful to hear! I just advise you both to keep going to counseling together, and keep working to make your marriage more happy and secure for both of you.

You'll eventually reach a phase in development, where you'll feel confident in continuing to move forward again, without the T. Those are wonderful times! I hope that things continue to progress for you and your family in the future.

Best wishes!

Is so hard to make changes, why does it have to take so long, I am so impatient, I notice ever little thing , I trying to quit doing that but change is the hardest thing I have ever done now. I watched the fireproof movie last night wow could I relate to that movie,got teary eyed many times, my wife has had that movie I didn't even know it lol. I have a stranger thing going on now, the little things my wife has done for me in the past she has completely quit,Kissing,touching,sex.I getting mixed emotions,I brought to her attention this morning is really bothering me, is that to soon or bad move, I not sure. I asked her alot questions about,she replies she is afraid !!! I don't get that,I didn't make that big of a deal out of it,I comely asked if she wanted to be friends or to have a husband,I feel more like a good friend to her, not a husband,she replies if I go back to the way I did things before she if afraid I will go back to the way I was before and things would go south.Any ideas on this she said she wants to be married an no one is talking her to do things like this but I am getting weak at the knees........

If I'm reading this right, it sounds like your wife is afraid to move back into "married life" for fear of things going right back to the way they were, before counseling, etc. I really don't see that happening, because I think you've both learned alot since then, but I understand her fears.

I can understand your fears too, as she isn't blameless either. You've BOTH got work to do. Things aren't completely settled by any means.

I would hope you could SLOWLY move back to being a 'couple' again and being very MINDFUL of each others wants and needs. Perhaps even "dating" again -- that can be fun!!

Why not ask your marriage counselor HOW you should proceed? He/She can give you the best advice.

I know this is hard on you, but you want to take it slow. God bless & keep us posted. Hugs, Lee

Things have been improving but baby steps on everything, like U all said took me 22 years to make it bad ,not gonna change anytime soon fast, but I will be fine as long as there is progress.So far the counseling has helped my hole family,I have even noticed my children getting along alot better.We having marriage counseling every 2 weeks now,I am happy about that as well,I believe will help alot better then 1 time a month.

Went to marriage counseling tonight was ok but they only discussed my children,there behaviors with the wife and myself,wasn't real informational for myself but wife and counselor never missed a beat ,I couldn't get a word in at all but all and all I believe it went well, at least she wasn't slamming me about something I didn't do or did. I really had a few things I wanted to discuss but seemed not to be good timing for me to do so.I lost a special person in my life do to a accented yesterday, so was really in a down mood any way,not up for discussion feel really bad.

Had another marriage counseling meeting today,I got in a few words finally,wife broke down in tears didn't mean for that to happen,feel really bad for doing that,I got upset as well ,decided to keep my mouth shut.I like are marriage counselor think things are starting to come out big time,noticed my wife is opening up alot was amazed,sure helps when U have a clue on what some of the problems are, sad at times but really helpful,I have decided to think before I act, seems to be working alot better, we have been getting along alot better since I started to control my actions an my commits. Hardest thing I have ever done but slowly we have been teaming back together on everything still alot bugs to work out but atleast they are mostly positive actions and feelings so far.I have now realized I haven't herd a word for years she has said listening and truly listening is really hard but I practicing daily I will get there I am sure of it.

I think practicing talking to her outside of therapy without the intent of making her cry would be good so she knows you're listening...like asking for her opinion on things (even if you don't care), or doing activities she'd like to do. Small things really do add up.

I'm sure the marriage counseling is allowing you two to open up to one another and hopefully you'll bring that outside of the counseling! Good luck!

That's what a marriage counselor is for is getting everything out into the open.....all sides so that each can have a better understanding of the other.

Wow, I'm impressed that you are realize you haven't heard a word that's been said for years & you are really working at listening. My husband would listen, but he would only hear & interpret what I said to be what he wanted to hear & it wasn't anything close to what I had said. Really glad to hear that you are working on this & truly are taking it seriously.

This is such an important part of working through your problems....being able to have a neutral party there where both can talk through what each thinks the problems are & who can moderate what is said so that there isn't the fighting & you can truly get to see each other's point of view. It's the only way to truly make a marriage work. So glad you have found a good marriage counselor. My psychologist was very poor at marriage counseling but my husband also refused to make any changes necessary to make the marriage work.....so I am so glad to hear that you are open to the changes you are able to make. I am sure there are changes your wife needs to work on also. Sounds like there is definitely a positive outlook that each want to work on the marriage & the desire is there to make it work.

Thanks for keeping us updated......haven't had time to post lately. More work to taking care of a farm than one person can easily handle.

I fixed my lawn tractor, but the grass had grown so long in the fields that my poor little lawn tractor couldn't handle it. Ended up loosening the blades & then broke sending pieces of the blade flying across the yard. Luckily, none of my dogs got in the way of the flying metal (I thought there were just rocks that had gotten in the blades didn't realize the blades had actually come loose). Luckily hired a neighbor to bush hog the fields. Have to replace the blades on my mower so I can get back to the mowing this week before the grass starts growing too tall again.....have about 2 1/2 acres to keep mowed. Weeds had overgrown everything while I was trying to get the inside of the house worked on. Have trash to haul to the dump & recyclling to get there also.......then I look out on my back deck today & something knocked over all the railing. Not sure if his bush hog caught one of the posts that was supporting it or what.

Have to seriously get busy around here.....really no time to even goof off a little & I really don't have enough energy to keep up with all the work that I need to do & don't have the money to really pay to have it constantly done.....so I HAVE to do the work myself now that they got it to the point where I can do it myself.

Sadly, it wouldn't have done me any good to stay with my husband because he wouldn't do the work anyway or be any help.....sad when I'm better off by myself & I have a rough time keeping up the energy to be able to do it all.

It's really so good to hear that there is really a guy out there that is willing to work on your marriage & care enough to listen & hear what is needed to make the relationship & the family work. Sounds like you are doing a very good job at working through this....just make sure to let your side of things be heard also......changes aren't just one sided in making a marriage work.

Bug's creep into marriages until there is a whole swarm of them & it takes time to work through everything that has creeped into the marriage relationship.

I'm really impressed, 1tash1 -- You've said that you're "impatient." I think some of the problem has been that when she has spoken, perhaps you've "blurted" out things before she's done saying what she wanted to say, or maybe you've talked before you THOUGHT about what you SHOULD have said. Now you're REALLY listening to her, and you're HEARING what she's saying and that's a lot different than before. She may be saying the same things that she said before, but you didn't hear them.

That was a problem in my first marriage -- my husband never heard a thing I said -- or if he did hear them, he heard them the way he WANTED to hear them, but not what I REALLY said.

Now you're learning how to really communicate and that's SO important in a marriage. You're getting to know each other all over again.
This is really encouraging, and although it takes time, it's well-worth it.

Good for you 1tash1. You're making a lot of strides and things seem to be much better than when you first came here!!! God bless & keeping you in my prayers. Hugs, Lee

I've been been reading through this thread and much of it has resonated with me, I don't have anything to add in the way of advice but hope that you'll take comfort in the fact you are far from alone.

Bugs do creep into marriages as eskielover says and I think the most common one is not really truly listening to each other. It sounds so obvious, but after many years together this is something that can creep in without anyone realising until a crisis point occurs. It can sometimes feel like things said and done have come out of the blue but if you step back and disassemble the situation then you can usually see the pattern was building. It's horrible to reach a crisis point, I know from experience, but the darkest hour is before the dawn.

My best wishes to you and your family.

Took a rough to do stand for my self was waiting and preparing the right time and everything and I did it finally couple times now, things are good no problems besides children. Is so hard to take a stand but after I did I felt relieved as a hole to be able to do that. I take a double take on everything my Wife says is hard to change, I was always an impulsive thinker on everything in my life is why I do what I do, change can happen I keep telling myself that,when u are feeling angry or resentful, how do you express feelings,while u were growing up,your parents either argued or conspired to avoid an arguing, nothing is easy.

After all the abuse I have we have Indore has made me feel insecure not feels like scars that will not go away not sure how to deal with my mixed feelings now that everything is well seems to be back to normal, my marriage seems to be good, {seems} but is it I really haven't a clue, I keep distance like I have walls up to hide my feelings,wondering if the bad hurt feelings will go away, I thought time would help but it hasn't every time I look into her eyes I feel the pain all over again wondering how she could put me through all that, but I hide my feelings so she doesn't know how I really feel, anyone have any after abuse recovery that really would work.I been reading many things but nothing seems to help. I have recently met someone that does make me feel good about myself is that bad? Not an affair just fulfillment and complete like I was before all the bs with my hole family started.I know my wife wouldn't approve but I am sick of being hurt and worried about if I did something wrong or is she going to turn against me again and make me leave,my drinking is in check haven't had any whiskey at all.

I was thinking about you the other day & wondering how things were going........

Personally I would say.....work on your marriage & your relationship with your wife & don't let any other female into your life, friendship or other even if it's not an affair......because even if it's not now, it soon will be because you haven't worked through your marriage relationship & bringing it back to where it needs to be for a real marriage to be successful.

Yes, it takes both....but I think that a marriage counselor would be necessary to get it back to an ok place. If you can't get it back to an ok place, it's going to only end up in divorce in the long run anyway...so you might as well see if you can't get the relationship recovered or accept that it won't & deal with where that takes you....but don't have anyone else in your life until that has been determined......for everyone's best interest....that way nothing but the facts about the marriage will be a part of the equation.

I am trying to understand wear you are coming from but problem is I am having mixed feelings after all the scars, I really don't know but seems I am living a lifestyle like a robot I have had a long day today sorry, to me after being married 23 years everyday is like the next do not get me wrong I really love my wife with all my heart but the flame is not there for me like it ust to be after what I went through, I have had a couple beers not drunk but a few.Why am I excited when someone shows me interest besides my wife ,makes me feel younger or energized
, wanted, wanted or needed not used ,is that wrong !! YES it is I need to feel used beat down that is getting old for me I do not usually feel like this but why does girls make men feel like this. I love my wife but what happened is my problem........

Because your ego feels the need to be satisfied & you are willing to look outside of your marriage to have your ego satisfied rather than working with your wife on healing the wounds & scars & working on strengthening your marriage relationship. It's the easy way to get your ego satisfied without having to do any work on healing your marriage.

So you have scars.......a lot were because of your drinking in the first place......& a lot of the wounds were because neither your wife nor you were able to communicate in a mature, responsible way that would make your marriage grow together rather than apart......so now you are looking at the rubble that caused & still not willing to work at making your marriage a REAL RELATIONSHIP (which in reality, it never was). It's as much your wife's responsibility as it is yours to grow your marriage into a real relationship......but real relationships aren't about the sparks that you felt before. When a marriage starts off, that's lust, NOT LOVE.....but it's what draws 2 people together who are attracted to each other.......the real marriage relationship has a lot more mature aspects to it than sparks.....it has working for common goals, just caring & being there for each other along with RESPONSIBLE BEHAVIOR on each person's part along with being able to take over for the other person when or if the need arises in a very responsible manor.

You are not wrong in wanting to feel wanted & needed nor is it wrong for you to not want to feel beat down......but you are wrong in looking for the solution outside of your marriage.....the solution needs to come from both you & your wife working on this problem because it's a red flag that there's something wrong in the marriage that NEEDS TO BE FIXED.....& I'm sure there are many things that your wife know needs fixed also if you both were able to be honest with each other.......a really GOOD marriage counselor would really be what your marriage needs now.....not some girl outside of your marriage making you feel good about yourself.

I left my husband & I can honestly say, I HAVE NOT & WILL NOT look for some guy to make me feel good about myself......I am able to feel quite good about myself without it coming from some guy. Feeling good about yourself NEEDS TO COME FROM WITHIN.

So that's where I'm coming from.

I really hope for your kids sake that you & your wife will be able to work through the wounds & the scars & give your kids the stable home that they deserve. IMO, it doesn't surprise me that your daughter is having problems given the truly unstable marriage that you both have that your children are existing under.

1tash1 - Yes, you are wounded, but you have to remember that your wife is wounded too by all the drinking you did. You wounded HER too. Yes, she has wounded you by her words and actions -- you BOTH have wounded each other. But SHE isn't going outside the marriage, is she? No. And you would get very angry if she did, wouldn't you?? YES. So how do you think she would feel if she found out that you were talking to this woman?? She would be hurt AGAIN.

You can't do this and expect your marriage to heal. It won't. You're just wounding her and the marriage once again. One of these days you're going to put the final wound in the marriage and it will be ALL OVER. There will BE no more marriage.

So stay AWAY from this woman. Don't talk to her anymore if you plan on staying with your wife. You can't do it and expect to save your marriage. It's not fair to your wife OR to your kids. God bless you my friend, and take care. I do understand. Hugs, Lee

I with Lee. Don't forget the strains that both you and your wife have undergone in the past. It takes time and a lot of effort (and devotion) on both sides to get through incidents like these. If you want your marriage to work, you are going to have to avoid situations like these.

Maybe coming up with a new fun, family activity would help your family become closer and more trusting of one another. Re-building bonds isn't an overnight process. It takes time.

Best wishes!

I've always look up to all the advise and tough times U all have got me through I wanna thank you U I at this time do not know were my marriage is I do love my wife more then anything, BUT her step mom has humiliate me to destruction with her mouth,I can't take that abuse. I act like I can't here when she talks to the wife. I feel un wanted at times in my own house, stress is at a high cause of my unruly child's issues,I am getting tired of alot of different things,I stay on a positive note as much as possible but seems nothing gives,some days are better then others but I am not getting enough good days,had close friends tell me be miserable with everything or happy with nothing,I don't think my marriage is over but the feeling hole,wanted,needed,respected, appreciated,pleased,satisfied,IS NOT THERE Not sure were it went south not a clue or were it will go from here,the loneliness is what I can not take I get very insecure when I am by my self I want my wife beside me and it just isn't happening like that, do not get me wrong we love each other we both no we do but the fullness of each other isn't there,not sure if is cause 25 years being together or what,I really didn't have this feeling until I started talking to the other women for advise from a life long friend an the feeling I felt for her at that time,I also asked her why is it I have lost the flame the closeness but I still love my wife with all my heart,the empty feeling I get or have had and now it really bothers me even more knowing I have lost my drive.I been praying that god will help make the right decision.Thank an hugs to U all for the support

I am trying not to talk to the other women but I can't quit, she is so understanding,mature someone I can share my feelings with, she understands me. I love my wife I tell her that she knows that.I am not any good at talking to people I do not trust and know ,I truthfully trust her and her opinions I am sorry I know it isn't right, she makes me feel really good about life.I even got her to join PC site. Very unstable at home not sure were my wifes feelings are any more says mean things but not all the time. I have been drinking more NOT HARD DRINKING just beer. I am getting to the point in my life I don't want to be miserable anymore I want enjoy life. I feel my wife is having issues just as I am she seems not very happy, how do help to change make things good I am lost in were to turn all are counseling is done I see us not doing any better as far as feelings I am scared it might be over soon.Over soon is that bad to say I don't know anymore,I have tried but I believe what has happened in the past never got mended I am not sure. Seems might be to late but I will push forward as long as I can but seems real bad to me.

I hate to say this 1tash1 but this other woman isn't helping matters. It makes it hard for you to see things clearly.

But you just might be right. After all is said and done, perhaps things are too broken to be mended. Only you and your wife know that for sure. Maybe all the counseling in the world couldn't help you two. It's a shame after all these years to throw it all away, especially when you have another woman complicating issues. I'm not blaming her - I'm sure she's a nice person. And I'm not really blaming you either. I think you two just somehow got thrown together when you were needy. But to continue it now would be a very bad idea as it just wouldn't work out. You're too needy at this point, and she's been your shoulder to "cry" on. Any relationship that you try to build out of that is going to turn out to be a disaster.

You have to make the final decision. I hope you know what is right for you, your wife and your children. The kids are always the ones who get hurt if you do decide to separate. Think things thru very carefully because once you decide, there may not be any going back. God bless and I wish you all the best, 1tash1. I know you've been unhappy, but there's still a chance. Hugs,, Lee

My wife will not open up to me at times I feel ok, but herd from my middle child today my wife hates her life,we have been on the outs for many months now I am getting tired wondering if all the abuse is worth it when it all gets thrown back into my face like the past she will not let nothing go, I guess she last weekend when I left for a few hours did nothing but cried. How to get her to open up??? Is crazy I have tried but gets to a point why why do everything to please then nothing works and I am still the bad person.I am so tired of being miserable for nothing no companionship what so ever nothing nothing here I set again alone tired being alone I want help I want affection consideration nothing I am lost to me I have done nothing but failed my 25 years of marriage.

Just wondering if all you are doing are THINGS to please.....but what about communication....just plain talking to each other & working things through IN WORDS.

My husband was nice.....he would always do nice things to please in the situation.....BUT.....& this is a HUGE BUT......he would never communicate about or work through the problems because he had no desire to change the things that WERE THE REAL PROBLEM IN THE MARRIAGE. So if you think that just doing everything to please your wife is the solution....WRONG.

Another issues.....drinking of any amount of any alcohol including beer is NOT OK. There are a lot of alcoholics who do nothing but drink beer & it's just as bad as the hard stuff. You are really NOT changing the behaviors that were causing problems....you are just allowing yourself to think because they are different it's ok.

Also, just because therapy is physically over, doesn't mean that it actually accomplished anything....there isn't the communication that is really NECESSARY to resolve anything in your marriage.....you don't even really know why your wife is so unhappy....you just know why you are.

I can tell you from my own personal experiences that I had a husband who wouldn't communicate & wouldn't do anything to change the things that were breaking the marriage. Just the fact that I couldn't have a reasonable communication with him was enough to turn me off from being physically attracted to him.....the last 13 years I lived in the same house with my husband, I had nothing to do with him physically.....he was so arrogant, he refused to understand that it was his ATTITUDE toward everything in life that turned me off toward him & he valued his poor attitude so much that he had no desire to let it go in order to save the marriage........so I finally left after 33 miserable years with him.

In reality, therapy shouldn't be over until the marriage is either resolved or it's decided that divorce is the only solution....anything less than that is really early termination of the therapy.

The other woman.....IS WRONG.....not ok to to out of your marriage to seek those things you are missing in your marriage unless it's decided mutually that your marriage is over......you will never solve your marriage problems through an outside relationship.....the only thing you are achieving through that is making your own ego feel good.

Too many times guys think that by just doing things pleasing to their wife is enough to fix the marriage problems.....but without REAL communication......all marriages stay broken & either the 2 people continue on just tolerating the situation......or they go for the divorce. You can't fix a marriage without communication & definitely NOT by doing nice things to please your wife. Relationships are difficult....but I can guarantee you that without really understanding & caring enough to really communicate & find out what is really bothering your wife & your wife knowing exactly what's bothering you after you gain the knowledge about her....there is no way to fix a marriage without that effort.......anything else is NOT ENOUGH.

I realize that if your wife won't communicate, and tell you what she needs and wants, things are pretty difficult. Will she talk at ALL? Will she tell you what she needs from you or wants from you? There must be somethings she needs or she wouldn't be crying. She wouldn't be so miserable.

Like Eskielover said, this other woman is WRONG. Talking to her is just clouding your thinking -- she's taking AWAY from your wife. What you're saying to this woman, should be going to your wife!! Even if your wife doesn't seem to be listening, she'll get some of it, believe me. And you have to give your wife an opportunity to talk to YOU -- to say things to you that she's been holding in for years. You have to LISTEN to her, and let her be heard. I hope she will DO it. Make sure she knows she CAN do this.

Things are really screwed up now, and I wish you two were still in counseling because you definitely are not through with it! You need more. Ask your counselor if you can continue with more -- and ask your wife if she'll go back with you. It's really imperative that you two either reach some decision or get more counseling. God bless 1tash1 -- I'm with ya. Hugs, Lee

Wow U really put tears in my eyes I have tried for over many years U know U have helped me all along I am getting tired I feel I can be miserable by my d amn self why live here with the abuse when I am the only one trying to change really U make it out to be me, U know me best of all Eskielover U know I understand what U mean going out of the marriage for support but god really I am 42 years old I have had the abuse for no reason yea I drink beer really beer U kidding me I have never hit my wife I have had only 1 problem with drinking and it is in this thread really I am not a drunk I drink to cope I have been the only one here supporting the feelings in what my 25 years that I have had with my wife I love my wife more than anything but U know I am done taking the beating here when do U draw the line when when is it enough were do U find in your life that is
t is over really U know it isn't only my wife the marriage is suppose to be 2 sided really for reall I haven't had my opinion or anything for seems ever I just go forward I listen I listen I here ever word my wife says U know

has not made a da mn difference it seems at this time we growing apart more I do the more I get hammered this is crazy to have to be this miserable in your life
when I have done everything I could to make this work I mean work I finally finally find a real friend I can share my feelings with and it is wrong wrong I agree but really I am beat all U could possible beat a man down I get my wife my middle child my wifes step mom hammering all the time U know they drew the line not me I have done all I am willing to do no more humiliations for me WHEN IS ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!