[Sunflower0440]

I have been with my 24 year old fiance for over 2 years, we have a 1 year old son together. In the time that we have been together he has talked to other girls (he has stopped), joined dating websites and websites specifically for cheating (he has stopped, and said he was only on them for the pictures), and for the past couple months he has been looking at pictures of underage girls or girls that look underage, because these girls are underage they are clothed but usually wearing little clothing or are in inappropriate poses. He even had a picture of a girl(13yrs old) that is friends with a girl that I used to babysit on his phone, which I assume he was masturbating to (he removed it a couple months ago because I asked). I have confronted him on the subject before and he said that he would stop looking at these websites. However I checked his web history and he has still been looking at these websites. I'm at my wits end, I have no idea how to approach the subject anymore. I would like it if he would stop looking at porn all together, but sadly I don't know if he would do this for me. Please help.

[kindachaotic]

Hello Sunflower, I'm sorry for you this is your first post. Are you sure you want to spend time & energy investing in someone you can't trust. Someone who has lied to you over and over. Being engaged is supposed to be some of the happiest days ever. Not consumed by worry of what he might be doing, but what he IS doing and then lying to you about.

Don't know if you are in America but if so him carrying around pictures of young girls in skimpy, sexy clothing is dang close to being child porn if not child porn altogether. Do you suspect he might have full on child porn hidden somewhere since he knows you are so opposed to it?? Might be worth checking before taking on responsibility of marriage.

Having a child is a gift, they pick up on tension & worry even at his age. Not fair, as he can't help the choices & decisions his father makes.
Your post is very alarming to me on many fronts. The welfare of you and your innocent child, deception in your relationship because of the nature of it. The
possible legal ramifications, just the "unknowns" surrounding his behavior.
You deserve so much better for you & your son. My advice is RUN and fast!!
Visitation with his dad can be worked out later. Get your ducks in a row & leave this relationship, wherever or whatever it takes. Look up statistics of likelihood that he'll change based on what you "know" about his obsession with porn especially child porn.
Again so sorry you are faced with this when you should be so happy & carefree.

Only wish the best for you.

[bowhunt72]

I don't know a lot about child porn (thankfully), but my brother is currently serving eight years in federal prison because the FBI caught him distributing gay child porn across state lines. I hope your situation doesn't become that bad, but please keep the possible consequences for him and for you and your child in mind as you address this issue.

[Leed]

I absolutely agree with "Kindachaotic" -- this is a warning signal, and I would NOT want my child exposed to this kind of person. Sure, he SAYS he going to quit, but he said that before and didn't do it.

This guy scares me. Anyone who enjoys looking a little girls in provocative poses is a sick cookie -- and you just don't know if he'll ever act on it. I'd get OUT of this relationship --- I'd MUCH rather be alone with my child than risk the chance of something happening.

I wish you the very best. Please take care & God bless. Hugs, Lee

[roads]

"Computer expert spent thousands trying to cure his porn addiction," the headline reads. This is from today's news! Here's the link: http://news.stv.tv/scotland/east-cen...orn-addiction/

What you (& your fiancé) are dealing with is possibly, IMO, so much more than a relationship issue. If he suffers from what's recognized as an addictive personality then it's no wonder he lies about quitting--then goes right on cheating.

I urge you to try very hard to look at this more objectively and consider that it's not a matter that simple choice can solve. You say, "I don't know if he would do this for me." Sunflower, if this is an addiction on his part, he cares far more about child porn than he cares about you. Here's a support site for you: http://www.pornaddicthubby.com/Child...Addiction.html

I'm not advising that you pack up and leave, at least not without trying to get help for him. I would suggest that you ask him whether he ever feels overpowered by this need and let him know that support/treatment is available. http://www.helpguide.org/mental/inte..._addiction.htm

TBH, I will tell you though that recovery from this is low. We just don't know yet whether the pattern in illegal drug addiction are evident here, e.g., moving from use to distribution.

If he would not agree to getting individual therapy and couples counseling with you, I would then definitely end the engagement. You can't risk you son's mental and physical well-being. You might not be able to keep your son "off the market" of kiddy porn ... and sadly his photo may already be out there.

Please keep posting. You don't need to muddle through this without the company of others who can hear your rants and tears and everything else.

Roadie

[Scotty204]

Yikes this guy sounds like a creeper. He is probably addicted already so it will be extremely hard to get him to stop now. If you stay with him it will be a long road of pain and tears I'm afraid

[Sunflower0440]

Originally Posted by kindachaotic

Hello Sunflower, I'm sorry for you this is your first post. Are you sure you want to spend time & energy investing in someone you can't trust. Someone who has lied to you over and over. Being engaged is supposed to be some of the happiest days ever. Not consumed by worry of what he might be doing, but what he IS doing and then lying to you about.

Don't know if you are in America but if so him carrying around pictures of young girls in skimpy, sexy clothing is dang close to being child porn if not child porn altogether. Do you suspect he might have full on child porn hidden somewhere since he knows you are so opposed to it?? Might be worth checking before taking on responsibility of marriage.

Having a child is a gift, they pick up on tension & worry even at his age. Not fair, as he can't help the choices & decisions his father makes.
Your post is very alarming to me on many fronts. The welfare of you and your innocent child, deception in your relationship because of the nature of it. The
possible legal ramifications, just the "unknowns" surrounding his behavior.
You deserve so much better for you & your son. My advice is RUN and fast!!
Visitation with his dad can be worked out later. Get your ducks in a row & leave this relationship, wherever or whatever it takes. Look up statistics of likelihood that he'll change based on what you "know" about his obsession with porn especially child porn.
Again so sorry you are faced with this when you should be so happy & carefree.

Only wish the best for you.

Thank you for this, I am entirely sure that I want him to get better, I love him more then anyone, he has helped me through dark times and I wouldn't feel right if I left him in a time of need. Again thanks, I will take this into consideration when I talk to him.

[Sunflower0440]

Originally Posted by Leed

I absolutely agree with "Kindachaotic" -- this is a warning signal, and I would NOT want my child exposed to this kind of person. Sure, he SAYS he going to quit, but he said that before and didn't do it.

This guy scares me. Anyone who enjoys looking a little girls in provocative poses is a sick cookie -- and you just don't know if he'll ever act on it. I'd get OUT of this relationship --- I'd MUCH rather be alone with my child than risk the chance of something happening.

I wish you the very best. Please take care & God bless. Hugs, Lee

That is exactly what I told him the first time I brought up this issue, "I'm scared that you will act on this behavior" I told him that I wanted more kids with him but that if we had a girl i would be 100% uncomfortable with him being around her. I don't know. We always talk and never take any action, I just drop the topic so maybe I will be more forceful this time around... because I really don't want to lose him. Under all this weird, sick stuff, he is my best friend and the love of my life.

[Sunflower0440]

Originally Posted by Roadie

What you (& your fiancé) are dealing with is possibly, IMO, so much more than a relationship issue. If he suffers from what's recognized as an addictive personality then it's no wonder he lies about quitting--then goes right on cheating.

I urge you to try very hard to look at this more objectively and consider that it's not a matter that simple choice can solve. You say, "I don't know if he would do this for me." Sunflower, if this is an addiction on his part, he cares far more about child porn than he cares about you.

I'm not advising that you pack up and leave, at least not without trying to get help for him. I would suggest that you ask him whether he ever feels overpowered by this need and let him know that support/treatment is available.

TBH, I will tell you though that recovery from this is low. We just don't know yet whether the pattern in illegal drug addiction are evident here, e.g., moving from use to distribution.

If he would not agree to getting individual therapy and couples counseling with you, I would then definitely end the engagement. You can't risk you son's mental and physical well-being. You might not be able to keep your son "off the market" of kiddy porn ... and sadly his photo may already be out there.

Please keep posting. You don't need to muddle through this without the company of others who can hear your rants and tears and everything else.

Roadie

I've discussed getting therapy and he agreed that he would do it, and then the conversation just kind of ended there. We aren't full of money either, and with his job he doesn't get benefits so I'm not sure where to go or what to do... Your post was very helpful because I want to help him, but I just don't know the next step.

[Irreplaceable]

Sooooo, this means that this guy is THISCLOSE to being a pedophile? No bueno. While you're figuring out what to do with your relationship make sure to keep kids away from him.

[RomanSunburn]

Definitely check around for places to get therapy. I recently just found the county mental health center for my area, and I can actually get services for free from there because I don't make much money. There are lots of places out there to help, and a lot of them have sliding scale or no fee policies.

Good luck. Remember you and your child are your number one priorities, no matter how much you love him.

[roads]

Originally Posted by Sunflower0440

I've discussed getting therapy and he agreed that he would do it, and then the conversation just kind of ended there. We aren't full of money either, and with his job he doesn't get benefits so I'm not sure where to go or what to do... Your post was very helpful because I want to help him, but I just don't know the next step.

Did you check out the links I gave you? These give you several possible "next steps."

From your responses to the replies so far, however, it sounds as if keeping this man in your life is Priority One for you.

May I ask .. how old are you? How many adult relationships have you been in? Can you imagine yourself and your son making a life on your own?

[shezbut]

Sunflower0440,

Holy smokes, i am just overcome with some intense thoughts about your bf. His tendency to look at young girls sexually is very disturbing.

While it's nice that your bf is willing to stop going to X site, or whatever reassurance that you seek, I can't believe that he will be able to follow through. Pedophiles are nearly impossible to treat. They are extremely resistant to change.

You have a son together, so I'm sure that you have some love for him. I feel bad for telling you how hopeless and sick your fiance's behavior is. I really don't want to hurt or scare you. But having been SA'd myself, I feel that I can't warn you enough. Get out of the house now with your son and seriously limit visiting. Not out of spite, but to protect yourselves from emotional damage. Kids pick up on things incredibly early ~ don't let the cycle go any further! P_L_E_A_S_E!!

Very gentle hugs and best wishes to you. I am so sorry.

[bipolarmedstudent]

Originally Posted by Sunflower0440

I have been with my 24 year old fiance for over 2 years, we have a 1 year old son together. In the time that we have been together he has talked to other girls (he has stopped), joined dating websites and websites specifically for cheating (he has stopped, and said he was only on them for the pictures), and for the past couple months he has been looking at pictures of underage girls or girls that look underage, because these girls are underage they are clothed but usually wearing little clothing or are in inappropriate poses. He even had a picture of a girl(13yrs old) that is friends with a girl that I used to babysit on his phone, which I assume he was masturbating to (he removed it a couple months ago because I asked). I have confronted him on the subject before and he said that he would stop looking at these websites. However I checked his web history and he has still been looking at these websites. I'm at my wits end, I have no idea how to approach the subject anymore. I would like it if he would stop looking at porn all together, but sadly I don't know if he would do this for me. Please help.

Not only is your child in danger, but you may be in danger of getting into legal trouble. If he has child porn on his computer, you may end up getting in trouble over it as well.

Don't marry this man. Get out.

[Sunflower0440]

Originally Posted by Roadie

Did you check out the links I gave you? These give you several possible "next steps."

From your responses to the replies so far, however, it sounds as if keeping this man in your life is Priority One for you.

May I ask .. how old are you? How many adult relationships have you been in? Can you imagine yourself and your son making a life on your own?

I'm 20 years old, I've been in other relationships but I guess this is my first "real" relationship. On one hand I can imagine trying to make a life of my own with my son, but I can't imagine being with anyone else, I can't imagine having to schedule visits for my son, I want my son to have his father.

Also the fact that if I would leave him I'm sure he wouldn't get help, he would go back to old ways and there would be no saving him anymore. It would be 100% worse situation if my son would visit him then for us to just be a couple right now. I think I'm more concerned with hurting him by leaving then my own happiness at the moment.

[Sunflower0440]

Originally Posted by bipolarmedstudent

Not only is your child in danger, but you may be in danger of getting into legal trouble. If he has child porn on his computer, you may end up getting in trouble over it as well.

Don't marry this man. Get out.

he doesn't have a computer, he looks at a website on his phone, I've searched for illegal pictures and made sure the website wasn't illegal.... It wasn't to my surprise. I'm not saying this to make excuses for him, I just want everyone to know that we aren't going to be in any legal trouble.

[Irreplaceable]

Originally Posted by shezbut

Sunflower0440,

Holy smokes, i am just overcome with some intense thoughts about your bf. His tendency to look at young girls sexually is very disturbing.

While it's nice that your bf is willing to stop going to X site, or whatever reassurance that you seek, I can't believe that he will be able to follow through. Pedophiles are nearly impossible to treat. They are extremely resistant to change.

You have a son together, so I'm sure that you have some love for him. I feel bad for telling you how hopeless and sick your fiance's behavior is. I really don't want to hurt or scare you. But having been SA'd myself, I feel that I can't warn you enough. Get out of the house now with your son and seriously limit visiting. Not out of spite, but to protect yourselves from emotional damage. Kids pick up on things incredibly early ~ don't let the cycle go any further! P_L_E_A_S_E!!

Very gentle hugs and best wishes to you. I am so sorry.

THANK YOU...I was sexually abused and I do not take stuff like this lightly. You can't totally "cure" a pedophile. I don't care what anyone on here says. Therapy is no cure BUT it will help him suppress his urges. Then again, dude isn't even being honest all the way I don't think...So, who knows...But yea, get your child out of the house. I'm overly protective of my daughter because of my past and I don't give a doggone who in my family is a pedo. She ain't being around them. And little boys get raped too...You don't know how far he will go...And for that reason alone, I would dip out and not chance him touching my baby. Same thing would apply if my child's father did stuff like this. Adios...Him looking at little 13 year olds, is no different then him looking at 5 year olds. A pedo is a pedo...

[Irreplaceable]

Originally Posted by Sunflower0440

I'm 20 years old, I've been in other relationships but I guess this is my first "real" relationship. On one hand I can imagine trying to make a life of my own with my son, but I can't imagine being with anyone else, I can't imagine having to schedule visits for my son, I want my son to have his father.

Also the fact that if I would leave him I'm sure he wouldn't get help, he would go back to old ways and there would be no saving him anymore. It would be 100% worse situation if my son would visit him then for us to just be a couple right now. I think I'm more concerned with hurting him by leaving then my own happiness at the moment.

You can leave him and take full custody of your child. There is no judge in this world that would give any kind of customer to a pedo. Save those images of the little girls and take custody...

[Sunflower0440]

Originally Posted by Irreplaceable

THANK YOU...I was sexually abused and I do not take stuff like this lightly. You can't totally "cure" a pedophile. I don't care what anyone on here says. Therapy is no cure BUT it will help him suppress his urges. Then again, dude isn't even being honest all the way I don't think...So, who knows...But yea, get your child out of the house. I'm overly protective of my daughter because of my past and I don't give a doggone who in my family is a pedo. She ain't being around them. And little boys get raped too...You don't know how far he will go...And for that reason alone, I would dip out and not chance him touching my baby. Same thing would apply if my child's father did stuff like this. Adios...Him looking at little 13 year olds, is no different then him looking at 5 year olds. A pedo is a pedo...

I also was sexually abused when I was younger, and I am protective of my child, he loves him to death and I KNOW he wouldn't do anything to hurt him. I'm not stupid, but being in this situation IS NOT EASY!!!!!!!!!! If I leave him I'm going to lose the love of my life, my childs father, AND my only friend. I'm already depressed, and I've been depressed my whole life if I lose the only person that I can be myself around I'm going to lose myself.

So please, stop telling me to leave him!! I'm going to do everything I can to make this situation better.

[Sunflower0440]

Originally Posted by Irreplaceable

You can leave him and take full custody of your child. There is no judge in this world that would give any kind of customer to a pedo. Save those images of the little girls and take custody...

I wouldn't even have to fight for full custody, but I want my son to have his father around. I don't think you understand at all.

[lido78]

Sunflower, we understand that you love your boyfriend and want to fix him, but the other posters who are telling you to leave are concerned with the well-being of your child.

The pain of ending a relationship will never compare to the pain you would feel if he ever harms your child or if your boyfriend is arrested for child pornography or harming a child outside of the family.

I think the bottom line is that he may never be "fixed"....and, he certainly won't get there without therapy. You may not care about your own happiness and don't want to hurt him, but your child has no voice in the matter. Please consider what is best for the child...this is your only option as a parent.

The posters encouraging you to leave probably DO understand that you love this man. But, it just doesn't matter in light of the potential harm he could do to your child or other children out there. Do you trust him (really?) to never hurt your child? If not, then it really doesn't matter how much you love him and that you'll be sad without him. Help him from a safe distance. Or, at the least, send your child to live with someone you trust until he can get into therapy.

[Sunflower0440]

Originally Posted by lido78

Sunflower, we understand that you want to fix your boyfriend, but the other posters who are telling you to leave are concerned with the well-being of your child.

The pain of ending a relationship will never compare to the pain either you or your child would feel should he harm your child... or if your boyfriend is arrested for child pornography or harming a child outside of the family.

I think the bottom line is that he may never be "fixed"....and, he certainly won't get there without therapy. You may not care about your own happiness and don't want to hurt him, but your child has no voice in the matter. Please consider what is best for the child...this is your only option as a parent.

Are you ****ing kidding me? I'm thinking about my childs well-being 24/7. And like I've said for the second time now.... HE WOULDN'T HURT OUR SON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You guys obviously don't understand because you don't know him, but outside of all of this mess he is a good dad. Mu sons first word was dada, if I took him away to never see his father again (which is what would happen if I moved out considering he works 7 days a week) it would be bad for my son. So I am thinking about MY child... THANK YOU.

[lido78]

Okay. If you're sure he'd never hurt your son, then by all means stay and work it out. In one of your previous posts, however, you wrote: "I told him that I wanted more kids with him but that if we had a girl i would be 100% uncomfortable with him being around her." By your own words, you do not trust him fully. So, please try to understand our concern for you and your son (and any future children that you have with him).

He is looking at child pornography because it sexually arouses him...please consider the consequences if you're wrong about him. Many folks on this site have first hand knowledge of these things...they have been molested by a parent or another close family member. If you are okay with taking this kind of chance, then please find a good therapist.

We KNOW none of this is easy on you, and we do support YOU even if we might not agree with the way you're thinking about things right now.

[roads]

Originally Posted by Sunflower0440

I'm 20 years old, I've been in other relationships but I guess this is my first "real" relationship. On one hand I can imagine trying to make a life of my own with my son, but I can't imagine being with anyone else, I can't imagine having to schedule visits for my son, I want my son to have his father.

Also the fact that if I would leave him I'm sure he wouldn't get help, he would go back to old ways and there would be no saving him anymore. It would be 100% worse situation if my son would visit him then for us to just be a couple right now. I think I'm more concerned with hurting him by leaving then my own happiness at the moment.

Have you looked at the links? I understand that money is an issue, but if he is seeking help for himself, help is available without cost. Depending on your location, chances are quite good that, once he's established in a program, the two of you can receive couples counseling. Your being involved in this with him would go a long way in telling his counselors that he has a support system.

And I understand that you are not prepared at this point to leave him. As long as you understand that you are risk custody of your child should it be found that he's selling pictures of your son that are illegal, then you certainly are legally free to make that choice. Adults have tough decisions to make all too often--& you are in a tough spot.

I urge you to get him involved in a program or in therapy, because that will be a first step for both of you in taking this from a problem you deal with occasionally in angry words into real action. Without action, you'll be left with just festering emotions and nothing good comes of that.

Please keep posting. I hope some of the others can suggest ways of helping you find help quickly to move this along. Would you mind letting us know generally where you are located?

Roadie

[Sunflower0440]

Originally Posted by Roadie

Have you looked at the links? I understand that money is an issue, but if he is seeking help for himself, help is available without cost. Depending on your location, chances are quite good that, once he's established in a program, the two of you can receive couples counseling. Your being involved in this with him would go a long way in telling his counselors that he has a support system.

And I understand that you are not prepared at this point to leave him. As long as you understand that you are risk custody of your child should it be found that he's selling pictures of your son that are illegal, then you certainly are legally free to make that choice. Adults have tough decisions to make all too often--& you are in a tough spot.

I urge you to get him involved in a program or in therapy, because that will be a first step for both of you in taking this from a problem you deal with occasionally in angry words into real action. Without action, you'll be left with just festering emotions and nothing good comes of that.

Please keep posting. I hope some of the others can suggest ways of helping you find help quickly to move this along. Would you mind letting us know generally where you are located?

Roadie

I've asked my mom to try and help find some places for couples therapy... I don't mid saying where I'm located, Omaha, NE.