[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I go through this from time to time, especially when I'm in a bad spot. I get so jealous. Even of my fiance spending time with his family. Typically I don't show the jealousy because I know it's me that's the problem not him but I can't help feeling that way.
All day today, to me he's seemed distant. Makes me wonder. I trust him but I can't stop those "what if" thoughts. Then he calls me an hour and a half ago saying he was coming to my work, but when he doesn't show (and he's only 5 minutes away) for a long time I call and no answer. Then I call back and he answers and is all weird on the phone. Probably me over reacting but I can't help it.
I'm screwed up but I can't help it. I don't know how to fix myself. I'm tired of feeling this way. It nearly ruined the relationship before, and I'm going back to the jealous freak out chick again. I hate this... I have no reason to doubt him other than small minimal things when we first started dating, but since we got serious he's never given me reason to doubt him, yet I still have trouble trusting... I don't know what to do...

[missbelle]

So sorry....do you have a therapist you can talk too? I hope so...if not you really need to find someone to talk too. They can help you find out why you are so non-trusting and needy. My daughter who is 43 married the love of her life last week. They both had serious trust issues and did go to counseling separately and together for a year. They made it!

Sounds like you have been hurt a lot in your life.Therapy can help you get back the trust you need to make a relationship work. It will be hard work but you can do it. Please find someone to help you. You already know you have a problem and as they say, that's half the battle!!

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I do have a t, have been seeing him about 2 months now, but there is so much going on with me right now I just can't find the time to bring up many things. I have a long list of topics to bring up but we haven't put a dent in them yet. I've had a complete and total break down in May and am picking myself up again, that's the reason for my latest trust issues. Every time I stumble in my mental health, so does my trust and feeling of security. I fell pretty hard in May and have been working so hard to put myself back together but I'm far far far from perfect.

I try to put on my happy face but my fiance knows when I'm upset. I blamed it on this migraine I've had all day but he's hesitant to believe that because with most migraines my mood doesn't change. I know it's me, I just don't know how to control it and how to stop feeling this way.

I have trouble trusting men, that's a big part of my therapy now, the abuse I went through involving men, but I know I can trust my fiance, he's so much different than any man I've met, I just don't know how to tell my feelings this...

I will try to bring it up with t on Thursday when I meet with him but he already has plans of our next discussion, about empowering myself and such. So much to work on, I'm a mess... I don't want it to ruin my relationship.

Thank you kindly for your response, I really appreciate it...

[RomanSunburn]

Sorry you're hitting a rough spot. I know how those can be... Annoying how our mental health has to spread into every aspect of our lives, even the parts we love and don't want to mess up...

Is there anyway you can set up like a code word with your fiance? Like "Hey, I'm having one of those days" and then he can just come and hold your hand for a little while. I always ask my (now) hubs to "say soothing things" to me when I'm upset. Then he just holds me, pets my head, and tells me he loves me over and over. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. Then we might do an animal alphabet (go through the alphabet letter by letter using animals... A is for Albatross, B is for Bengal Tiger...etc). It helps me stay grounded and distracts me from whatever is going on in my head.

I don't know if this advice is helpful at all, but I'm thinking of you, and hoping you are able to find some peace.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I explained today on the way to work (after asking if he was cheating on me and after drilling him about his new co worker) that it's not that I don't trust him, I just have problems with myself. He joked and said "Well you need to fix that" and I told him I have been working on it and pointed out that I haven't been getting angry with him over the jealousy lately and he agreed. I'm not taking big steps, just baby steps but it's better than standing still.
I will bring it up with t but as we speak I've got so many ideas of what he could be doing and about this new co worker of his, eck, I'm just self destructive, looking to be miserable or something. And nearly every man from my past has abused me to a degree, I have a hard time with trust. I just don't want to mess this up...

Uuuuughhhh!!!! I stupidly decided to go onto facebook and look on his page. Some girls writing him things about autographing their boobs and such, 3 years ago, I doubt it was while we were dating but it's adding fuel to my fire. I know I need to stop, I'm getting so upset right now. But only 2 years ago looks like he was in contact with someone he knows I don't like, he had a sexual relation with her once (before we met), and hid it from me. I didn't know until his friend told me, would have been fine had he not had her over in his bedroom one night while we were dating and still didn't tell me anything other than she was a lesbian, not that he and he had something before she went to the other side. This was likely around that time but it was nearly 3 years ago we had an argument... I know I'm being rediculous as she and he were talking around that time on his myspace but his phone is turned off (it died) but has been charging an hour already, he knows I was going to call him...
I trust him...
I trust him...
He's faithful...
He's a good man...
I just can't get over these thoughts... Oh my gosh I'm driving myself crazy...

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

He came home from work when I was home all day and didn't even clean today, he came home and cooked me dinner before driving me to work. Something he does regularly since I've been down in the slumps. We still have a very active and healthy sexual relationship, he compliments me all of the time. He gives me a back rub EVERY SINGLE NIGHT to help me sleep, he worries about me all the time and leaves his phone with me when he goes to work so I can talk to my daughter (who is spending the summer with her dad) he loves her like he would his own, he just proposed to me in April, he is helping me plan our wedding, he laughs, he does anything I ask him to do, he gives me no reason not to trust him. I try to remember these things. They help me remember he cares, but my negative thinking and trust issues get in the way of that when I'm low, and I'm low right now... I hate this...

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

We got into an argument last night, and i apologized 10 times and tried to make things right but could tell hes still upset. Idk what to do... hes upset with me, he never gets upset with me. I tried to tell him i get jealous because of my own problems but he didnt understand. I dont know what to do but i have to stop thinking the worst like i am now...

[Jan1212]

He wants to marry you, he wants to spend his life with you, he needs the trust that comes with marriage he is committed to you. Getting suspicious sometimes happen, but don't let it lead to arguments because it won't change him and it just might hurt both of you. I am not saying relationship should perfect, everyone argues but that gives us the chance to learn how to cope.

Write down your argument on paper and hold it for 24 hours before telling him. A lot of us get overwhelmed and we're not in our right minds. When I record my argument, sometimes 2 pages long, I re-read it and think to myself wow what was I thinking, most of the time I do throw it away. It is okay to feel this way but what's important is how to cope with it

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Thank you all for such wonderful advice. He and i had a wonderful night together last night, took the dogs to the beach, then sat under a tree for an hour looking for a light, something we used to do all the time. Sounds strange i know but its a local thing in my town lol. We had fun, he was laughing again, we both apologized and he explained why he was being so distant. He didnt want to stress me out since i get sick when i get stressed, so he was holding everything in. We are working through things. I will have to remember hes not my past abusers, hes not going to hurt me. We have a wonderful relationship, i just have to remember that when im feeling down

[NinaNina]

Thats great news!

[boodles]

Hi purple, sorry you're having such worries and anxiety. May I gently suggest that since you have so many things you are working on, you need not hurry into getting married, especially since you are struggling with recovery from past relationships and trust issues. What's the rush? There's nothing wrong with taking care of yourself first. If he's the right one, he'll be there later.

Give ourself some credit,too. I know having suspicions is unpleasant and threatening to your emotions, but sometimes our instincts and intuition are valid. Why not take some time to figure out your feelings, and yes, definitely ask your t to work with you about these strong feelings that come over you.

All the best to you.

[bicrazy]

Ive been married 4 years and I still have those moments. I dont think it ever just goes away but i had to stop feeling like a bad wife/mom because im bipolar. Im always scared hes going to get sick of being with a crazy but this is me and im never going to not be bipolar. Its really hard to get to that point and actuaully accept love when you dont think its possible. Sorry to get off subject I just know how you feel and its something within that can be managed...guarenteed. if he cant stand the heat he would have ran out of the kitchen ALONG time ago

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

My biggest fear is that he will wake up and realize I'm much more crazy than he thinks and he will leave. He's normal and comes from a normal family. My family is full of terrible disgusting people and even when meeting my dad he said he thought I was exaggerating but when he got there it was like he stepped into a horror movie. He's never been with or known anyone or any family with this kind of dysfunction and it makes me think, especially when I'm at a low point in my mental state, that he will wake up and realize I'm not good enough for him.
I told t about some of this when I was leaving the office (he always walks his patients out the door of the building and often stands outside for a few minutes talking) he says he will do pre marital councelling and I think that's a good idea. I know my fiance worries about what he says to me because he's worried I will switch or my physical health will go down (and it's true when I get stressed it makes me physically ill seizures low blood sugar {somehow} and makes me dissociate) I can't help it but perhaps if t is in the office with us, he can help ground me while my fiance opens up and tells me the things he wants me to change. I want to get better for him, my daughter and myself, I want to know the things that he's been holding back from so I can work on them and no longer feel like I'm not good enough