[jcl76]

I dated this girl for just under a year. Our circumstances were not ideal (she was dealing with being a new mom, and father did not want to be a part of her sons life), and I traveled quite a bit. I knew she had hangups of being hurt a lot, but despite the red flags we fell in love. Talked about a future, and it was finally the girl I wanted to marry as long as her hang ups were solved. I am a fixer. I love and care VERY deeply, and am very selfless to ones I love. I was the first guy that ever cared for her this much and she said I was the best thing that ever happpened to her. I fell in love her son, who didnt have a father, and loved him like he my own. She cheated on me at the height of our relationship early on, and I forgave her and made excuses for her. I knew she loved me, but never understood why she sabotaged my trust. Well fast forward 5 months later we still were together and her actions just didnt meet her words. She became aloof and distant, while stating she loved me more than any guy ever but was just very scared. The more distant she became the more I wanted to hang on and fix it. I lost myself along the way and it tore me down emotionally. She ultimately kept me around til she met someone else and let me go. This is the girl who told everyone she thought I was the one, and that she wanted to start a family together just 5 weeks prior to this. I pushed her away when I became depressed and frustrated, and had so self control.

I am now on 2 medications. Depression and anxiety that I have never felt. I still to this day (3 months) have no desire to be with another women, yet I am very lonely. I keep thinking that she will work through her issues and we can work it out when we are in better places, She is already with another guy and moved right into another relationships while leaving me in shambles. to suffer.

I love her and hate her at the same time, yet care for them greatly.

[hamster-bamster]

All normal feelings after three months. A completely normal reaction. If you said three years, but you said just three months. You are sensitive, selfless, and caring, what happened hurt you deeply. Are you seeing her son or was she not smart enough to preserve the connection between you and him?

Time will heal. You probably will not need medications for the rest of your life because according to your description the depression is purely situational. So medications are just temporary relief in times of crisis. And that is good news.

I would volunteer for a hospice to take your mind off what happened to you. I

[Leed]

Bless your heart. I'm sorry this happened to you. But when you said you were a "fixer" that kind of put up a red flag. We can't "fix" people who don't want to be fixed, and she definitely didn't want to be. Actually we can't fix anyone. We don't have that power.

When she cheated on you the first time, you should have just chalked that up to a bad choice of women. She obviously wasn't into the relationship like you were. You said it was at the HEIGHT of your relationship too, so that made it even worse! And the fact that she ALLOWED you to get so close to her son so as to fall in love with him -- and they she basically tossed you aside. That makes it twice as difficult as you had to lose her son too! Forgive me for saying this but she wasn't a very nice girl.

You are grieving right now, and it's going to take time to get thru it. You'll grieve the relationship much like you'd grieve a death. And of course that always takes time. Be patient with yourself -- don't let others tell you that you should be "over it" by now. Grieving is personal and everyone is different. You'll know when you're thru it. God bless and please take care of YOU. Hugs, Lee

[jcl76]

Well we had a rough spot where she lost her feelings when we tried to get back together. She kept me around and didnt want to loose me despite her loosing her feelings. Bascially she used that time to find another guy then let me go. I know she met him before we broke up.

It burns real bad, and we text back and forth recently and I know she is with him. In essence she is doing that to him to what she did to me. Talk to other guys while she was with me. I wish I knew if she regrets it and still has doubts. I know we cant be together unless she works out her many issues,

I have lost faith not only because of this but life in general. I am 37 never married. Not to sound arrogant, but I am attractive guy. Extremley faithful. Have a huge sense of humor. I am great with kids. I care and love selfessly, and everyone always ask why am I single. I have lost the desire to ever be in a realtionship again unless its with her if she gets her issues worked. Its the unknown of that happening that scares me.

[hamster-bamster]

She is risk averse. Holds on to guy A while searching for guy B, then holds on to guy B while searching for guy C, etc. She does not risk being alone for awhile. There are many women like her. Would not take the risk of being alone and must ensure a continuity of guys with overlaps like protective buffer.

It does not sound like an issue she has and must work through. It sounds like that is just the way she is. Her philosophy is to be safe.

From your description of who you are and what you want, it sounds like she is not a good fit for you.

37 is not that old - you will find someone and still have children of your own.

[jcl76]

Thats exactly it. I cared, and love her deeply. I was very genuine with my feelings for her, but for some reason she didnt feel like she deserved me I would leave her. She said I was the best guy that ever came into her life, and she DID come a very long way from when we met.

She knows her issues and always stated "she is not the women she wants to be, but grateful she is not the women she used to be"

[jcl76]

That is it for sure.

She did state once. "she is not the women she wants to be, but grateful she is not the women she used to be"

She knows she has issues, and I think she wants to change, but she will not allow her "alone" time to focus on herself.

My struggle is that I know "if" and "when" she wakes up and dedicates herself to making a change, then I know beyond a shadow of a doubt we would make the perfect couple.

Knowing the unknown if that will ever happen is the scary part, but I am going to wait

[jcl76]

This is how she was for sure. Scared of being alone despite how much I tried to make her feel secure and that I genuinly loved her and wanted to have a future together.

She always stated "she wasnt the women she wanted to be, but glad she isnt the women she used to be"

She knows he has issues and admits she has issues. I know she wants to change but cant. She slowly is but still makes bad decisions that she cant explain why she does.

I will wait till maybe one day she does. The unknown of if and when is the scary part. That is why I dont want to move on adn dont have the desire too.

[jcl76]

tried 3 times to reply and it wont let me. test

[browneyed tx girl]

If she has trust issues, she probably has the "better to get, before got" way of thinking. She probably assumed that you too would hurt her and did what she has always done to prevent herself from hurting. Depression and other issues can also cause some bad choices in life. Perhaps she doesn't understand what it is like to have a committed and trustworthy partner. Face it, not many people have ever had it as part of their life, so it becomes "normal". Over the last few decades children have experienced that it is OK to throw away a relationship because it is too hard to work at it. Everyone wants instant gratification and is never happy with what they have. Have faith that you did nothing to cause her to be this way. Some people are never happy. They have no idea what they want and will spend most of their life looking for it! There is nothing you could have said or done or proven to her to change it. It is sad that this has happened to someone who sounds very kind, sincere and loving. Don't give up on yourself! I have been on both sides of this cycle. It SUCKS! You will need to start loving yourself again to find love to share with another! Hugs to you!

[NoCake]

Sorry to hear this mate.

All I can tell you is not to let your anger get to you. Because if you do you'll become the one thing that hurt you. Be better than that. You don't need to walk around pissed off and scared at the world just to have some false sense of security. Because at the end of the day it's all a lie. You just go out, and be yourself. Some people operate solely on fear and that's a sad thing. But don't let that rub off on you. This happens way too often to good people man.

The other thing is that you got sprung. It happens sometimes but you just have to remember your own needs as well as you girlfriend's. I know you wanted to help but you have to help yourself too. It'll be hard but you have to move on. Life keeps moving and you should too. Go out into the world a little wiser and a little stronger.

[jcl76]

I emailed this to my ex: Thoughts?

I have been pondering how to start this email, but I simply hope you find in good faith and an open heart. Recently I have done a lot of remembering all the specials times we spent together, and the genuine feelings we shared for one another. It has brought a big smile to my face and enjoyed our chats the past few days. Good to see you still have a sense of humor . I am not wanting to talk about the past (unless the good times), because I know that we cannot reconcile our past, as that relationship is gone, its done and we cannot change that. The future however gives up options of new. I have learned a lot from it, about me and about you. I empathize that what we shared could not work because we are in different places and I feel that you were or are not ready for true committed relationship that without fear to drive your actions. I clearly did the same thing by pushing you away. If I backed away from you early on things may have been different. Either way, I know strongly in my heart that I love you more than you know and I don’t want to go back there, but I do have faith that once you figure out to see yourself deserving of a strong loving relationship based on faith, I want to be ready. I know you Stacy more than you know and I understand and have no harsh feelings at all, only peace in my heart for the good times we had. I empathize with you to a great extent. I have learned from my mistakes and this has motivated me to not only be a greater and stronger man not only for me but for you in the event we cross paths and you would like to talk and be friend and just maybe start fresh after a friendship. I want us to be ready to do it right, slow and let it progress naturally. I know deep in my heart that I have zero desire to enter into a relationship with another girl whatsoever ever until that days come whether its two months or two years. You always have said listen to my heart and I have over and over. I will wait until you are ready if that day comes for us. This is my choice and until the day you end up married to someone else, I will be enjoying life for myself, simply waiting. If we are in healthy places and ready, I know we could be a extremely happy couple, who can explore, travel and enjoy life together. You may not believe me when I say this, but this decision brings peace to my heart as I believe in it. If and when that comes I hope we can develop what we could have had, and I am a man of my word, I will be there.

[NoCake]

This is not a good decision at all.

You're putting your life on hold for someone that had no interest in yours. It is selfless to the point where you are completely neglecting your own needs as a human being and putting her life above your own. You are putting her on a pedestal and eliminating your own self worth.

Sounds bad when I put it that way huh? But it's true and if you are willing to do this then it might be a good idea not to get into any relationships for a while and work on setting higher standards for yourself.

You got played. It happens sometimes. Now maybe it will be hard to move on but that is the only option. Sending an email like that tells her that it's ok to abuse you, lie to you and treat you as if you aren't important since you'll do whatever she tells you to do anyway. It tells her that you are still sprung... Regardless of her motivations it says that you'll be there if she needs a man to use and throw away.

You have to move on. You can't have a relationship with someone that mistreats you like that.

[hamster-bamster]

I agree with NoCake, as this is basically martyrdom. No harm sending it though because it won't change anything in any direction.

[jcl76]

I can see your point. I really can. She knows she has issues, and that we could not work until she worked them out. I would not get back into a relationship first without her working on herself first.

I have a very busy year ahead of me launching a big company and I just want to live for myself. Do I date? absolutely! I have been on 4 different dates and have one tomorrow, as dating but even if she wasnt on my mind I wouldnt be in the position to get into a relationship until I climb on top again.

Who knows....she may end up happy with someone. We may reconnect in the future as friends, and never progress past that.

I care for her deeply, and she said that I was the best thing that has ever come into her life and that I was God send to her, and if you know what she has been through and how far she has come from where she was you may see it a little different. I know that sounds like I am making excuses for her, but I am a little empathetic as to why she makes rash stupid decisions.

Originally Posted by NoCake

This is not a good decision at all.

You're putting your life on hold for someone that had no interest in yours. It is selfless to the point where you are completely neglecting your own needs as a human being and putting her life above your own. You are putting her on a pedestal and eliminating your own self worth.

Sounds bad when I put it that way huh? But it's true and if you are willing to do this then it might be a good idea not to get into any relationships for a while and work on setting higher standards for yourself.

You got played. It happens sometimes. Now maybe it will be hard to move on but that is the only option. Sending an email like that tells her that it's ok to abuse you, lie to you and treat you as if you aren't important since you'll do whatever she tells you to do anyway. It tells her that you are still sprung... Regardless of her motivations it says that you'll be there if she needs a man to use and throw away.

You have to move on. You can't have a relationship with someone that mistreats you like that.

[hamster-bamster]

Well that is nice of her to say that you have been a godsend. It is nice when people are appreciative of the contributions made to their lives.

[jcl76]

You know what NK. Thank you. I slept in what you all have said, and I woke up and said "eff that". Im done. The caring and compassionate side still feels sorry for her, but I am done diminishing and making lite of what she did. So really the point of me replying again thanks for being that blunt. Thats exactly what I needed.

Originally Posted by NoCake

This is not a good decision at all.

You're putting your life on hold for someone that had no interest in yours. It is selfless to the point where you are completely neglecting your own needs as a human being and putting her life above your own. You are putting her on a pedestal and eliminating your own self worth.

Sounds bad when I put it that way huh? But it's true and if you are willing to do this then it might be a good idea not to get into any relationships for a while and work on setting higher standards for yourself.

You got played. It happens sometimes. Now maybe it will be hard to move on but that is the only option. Sending an email like that tells her that it's ok to abuse you, lie to you and treat you as if you aren't important since you'll do whatever she tells you to do anyway. It tells her that you are still sprung... Regardless of her motivations it says that you'll be there if she needs a man to use and throw away.

You have to move on. You can't have a relationship with someone that mistreats you like that.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by jcl76

I have lost faith not only because of this but life in general. I am 37 never married. Not to sound arrogant, but I am attractive guy. Extremley faithful. Have a huge sense of humor. I am great with kids. I care and love selfessly, and everyone always ask why am I single. I have lost the desire to ever be in a realtionship again unless its with her if she gets her issues worked. Its the unknown of that happening that scares me.

It sounds like you have not been in many relationships yourself and do not know or respect yourself very well. You have to know yourself well before you can give to another, otherwise, you can lose yourself as you have experienced. Losing yourself is not good for you or for another. This woman is not a loving, caring woman and you cannot fix her; you need to fix yourself, get some therapy/self-introspection. You cannot find and fix yourself by trying to fix other people, they are "out there" and you need to work on "in here".

[jcl76]

I actually have been. I know myself well, but still make bad positions to end up with the wrong one so to speak. And yes..... I loose myself along the way. I am very selfless and care to much to fault where I sacrifice my own health for it. Like I said to a fault. I am trying to follow the rule to take of me first and foremost, and that should in return be good for a mate. When the right one comes along, we should bring the best out in each other. Thats where I want to focus as I date and simply know when to cuts ties early when I know the potential could be not good down the road. Make sense?

Again thank you as well for your honesty. I need that a lot.

Next time I do see my therapist, I am going to tell her to quit being so nice!!!!! These are the things i know about myself but need to hear people to drive it home with being blunt.

Originally Posted by Perna

It sounds like you have not been in many relationships yourself and do not know or respect yourself very well. You have to know yourself well before you can give to another, otherwise, you can lose yourself as you have experienced. Losing yourself is not good for you or for another. This woman is not a loving, caring woman and you cannot fix her; you need to fix yourself, get some therapy/self-introspection. You cannot find and fix yourself by trying to fix other people, they are "out there" and you need to work on "in here".

[jcl76]

I am a little more struggling with it today. I go from at peace, to having a little bit of bitterness. I guess its somedays are better than others.

I just dont get how someone can say they love you and I KNOW she did, have so much disrespect for feelings and hurt me that bad. She went from one extreme to the next. Talking about we would make a beautiful family and would love to see me as a father, to 1 week later meeting a guy that she planned on meeting while she told me these things, then leaving me as soon as met him and now she is with him. There is even a 2 year old involved who I loved like my own. She may have thought I would not have found out. Its a small town.

I know she is very screwed up, I get it, she is a bad person. I just dont get how someone can do that to another.

I am angry at her now. I know for my own sake I have to fogive her, and maybe understanding why she is that screwed up will help. She I just get mad for a while and get it out or find a way to forgive to move on?

[NoCake]

I wouldn't call that the best idea either. It's normal to feel bad when these things happen but letting it get to you like that is just another way to make things worse.

What happened to you is unfortunate but soon you'll have to forgive her. I'm not telling you to go after her. I'm just saying that you should not have resentment towards her or anyone for that matter. It doesn't help the situation at all and it only makes you feel worse. She made a mistake and it was a big one but you have to be able to let it go and move on.

[jcl76]

I am just worried i wont trust again.

[NoCake]

But that is life my friend! Life is risk! Life is putting yourself out there and taking on the world!

I doubt you have ever gained anything truly beautiful without taking a risk! And indeed the best things in life are not free but we fight for them every day!

Sometimes you will fall on your face. You will be bamboozled. You will make yourself look like a damn fool. But you are only human. Perfection does not exist and if it did I would not want it! You have to be willing to put yourself out there to get what's really worthwhile in the world. Sometimes you will be hurt but you cannot allow that to stop you from living your life!

I have felt pain from many in my life but I have forgiven them all! Life is too short for regret and resentment!
But I'm not telling you to be stupid lol...

Fortune favors the brave my friend. Go get it.

Hi ((((JCL)))) I've been following the thread and agree with the other members and support you wholeheartedly.

Of course you are going to go through a range of emotions. You opened your heart to someone. That is a gift. To them and to yourself. It is important to let yourself grieve. It takes time. And the stages of grief definitely do not happen in the traditional order and within a specific time period.

(I do, though, defer to one of my favorite characters from one of my old favorite tv shows, "it takes half the total time you went out with someone to get over them" )

In terms of being worried you'll never be able to trust again...please be kind to yourself. And listen to NoCake!

You are doing really well. Glad you came to PC and are speaking with your T.

*I hope you give yourself some credit for taking really good care of yourself through this ordeal. It is soo hard. Especially when there are children involved that you fall in love with, as well.

Originally Posted by jcl76

I am just worried i wont trust again.