[Greenleaves]

I'm going to call admin guy Dr. B.

Anyways, Dr. B is the administrator of another online support forum. I love Dr. B. I'm still obsessed with Dr. B.

Several times when I got blocked from the other site (for being uncivil), I got really really upset and sent all sorts of e-mails threatening my life to Dr. B. He never responds to any of them. I sent him quite a few e-mails and then I got worried that maybe I was harassing him. I worried that he might get me in trouble with the police for harassment or stalking.

Anyways, this May, I got to meet Dr. B in person! We had a birthday party for the site. Several posters and Dr. B met in Toronto. Dr. B went to the American Psychiatric Association meeting. I went to the APA too. I got to help present.

Dr. B knows how much I love him because I post about it on his forums all the time. I asked Dr. B for a hug and he hugged me! I got Dr. B to hug me twice! Plus, he had his arm around me two times for a photo. I think I can safely say that Dr. B isn't afraid of me and doesn't think I'm a stalker. I don't think Dr. B would get me into trouble with the police. I don't think Dr. B wants harm to come upon me.

I apologized in person to Dr. B for writing all those e-mails threatening my life and Dr. B said in a really serious, comforting and sincere way, "It's okay." Dr. B forgives me for my threats.

Dr. B is great. I love Dr. B more than ever now. I asked Dr. B in person whether or not he minds that I love him so much and Dr. B said, "It's fine." Dr. B doesn't mind that I love him.

I'm relieved. I love Dr. B and it's okay to love Dr. B.

I love Dr. B

(((((((((((((((((((((Dr. B)))))))))))))))))))))))

[Greenleaves]

What do you think Dr. B thinks about me?

Does he think I'm crazy? LOL

Dr. B said it's fine to love him. I write about my love all the time on his forums.

I wonder what Dr. B thinks about my love? Does he think I'm strange? Obsessed?

I think loving Dr. B is a good thing. When I feel bad, all I have to do is think about Dr. B and then I'll feel good again. Loving Dr. B makes me very happy.

Anyone care to guess what goes on in Dr. B's mind? I'm always curious. He only responds to administrative issues on his forums.

I think Dr. B cares about the posters on his site. Dr. B spends his own money to keep the site going. He doesn't have any advertising.

I love Dr. B.

[drunksunflower]

Your post is pretty concerning. I don't believe it is healthy to feel that intensely about someone you pretty much don't know.

Respecting that he puts time and money into the site is fine, and so is liking him for that. 'Loving' someone with the strength you seem to with so little real connection is concerning.

If you have a T, it might be a good idea to bring up this obsession so that you can direct your affection more appropriately.

Good luck.

> I just read something someone wrote here and I feel their sadness and pain. I'm usually too caught up in myself to notice what others are feeling. I realized something. People pretend. People can pretend to be well, but they are often screaming with pain inside. This is very different from how I express myself online, but I do the same thing in real life. Some people do this even while online. They are in a corner all by themselves, not speaking of their pain. No one noticing. Suffering in silence.

> Me, I'm an open book online. Secrets? What secrets? I write what I feel when I feel it, with little to no regard for others at times. I have the exact opposite problem.

> I've discovered that the "happy" person I may be posting to may actually be miserable inside. When I'm happy I tend to forget that others are still suffering. I assume that everyone else is just as happy as I am.

> I have to remember that people here have problems. Most people here are not happy. That is why they are here in the first place. I don't know why I never really noticed that.

> I can read people writing that such and such a medication isn't working for them, but what I don't realize is that what they are saying is that they are still in terrible psychic pain. Most of the time I don't realize that people are suffering. I don't notice it unless they blatantly state it. I have to learn to think outside of myself. I hope I'm doing that.

> I bet Dr. Bob sees the suffering within people. Maybe that's why we never see Dr. Bob really happy. I bet Dr. Bob isn't self absorbed.

> I have to learn to be more sensitive and not so self absorbed.

I think it is a good thing to be aware of others suffering.
Sounds like he was trying to give you a gift...
So you would internalise the fact that he doesn't hate you...
So you would be in a better place to...

It is good to give as well as to receive

It is nice to answer other peoples threads and help them feel better

Rather asking people in pain to...

What do you want us to say?

[Greenleaves]

I don't have a T, but my pdoc is my T. She does psychotherapy with me. We talk for 30 mins every 2 weeks.

I've talked to her about loving Dr. B. She doesn't think it's a problem. She got me to realize that I love Dr. B because it feels like he cares and because Dr. B is a safe person to love. I don't have to have a relationship with him. He doesn't talk to me. There is also nothing sexual about my love. I think it's an innocent sort of love.

It's true that I hardly know a single thing about Dr. B. I just love him because of what he does on the site. He keeps things in order and he protects posters from incivility. I think he really cares.

Right now loving Dr. B can be a coping mechanism for me. Whenever I'm upset I can just think about Dr. B. I think it's healthy to love Dr. B as long as it doesn't interfere with my life in a negative way and as long as I don't intrude upon his life.

I'm curious drunksunflower, what do you think there is to be concerned about? I know I don't have a real connection with him, and I don't mind. I think I actually prefer it this way. I get frightened when people get too close to me.

[drunksunflower]

It just sounded really intense. Your last post explains it much better

Hope it works out.

[Greenleaves]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I think it is a good thing to be aware of others suffering.
Sounds like he was trying to give you a gift...
So you would internalise the fact that he doesn't hate you...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I hadn't thought of it that way. I'm not sure he would go so far as to help me internalize things. I'm not sure why he decided to hug me and tell me it's okay to love him. Maybe you are right. Maybe he wants me to know that he doesn't hate me and doesn't want bad things to happen to me. Now I can put those thoughts to rest.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
It is good to give as well as to receive

It is nice to answer other peoples threads and help them feel better

Rather asking people in pain to...

What do you want us to say?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I'm going to try to remember how others are in pain now whenever I'm happy. I'm going to try to be a better person. I have to notice other people more....really listen. I have to learn to be a better listener, read between the lines, try to put myself in other people's shoes.

[Greenleaves]

Sometimes I'm moved by someone's post and I want to help, but I don't know what to write. I feel like nothing I write can really make a difference and I'm afraid I might write the wrong thing. A lot of the time I just end up giving the person a virtual hug and not much else because I just don't know what to say.

I wish I had more life experience. I wish I had more wisdom and knowledge. I don't feel competent enough to give advice. I don't have much experience with living life, relationships, work or anything really.

I wish I could help more.

[Greenleaves]

I think I need to come up with a goal to help me help others more.

I think I should aim to reply to at least one person a day, real replies, not just the virtual hug ones. I think that would give me practice in helping others.

When I reply I think I should read the person's post and none of the replies to it. I want my reply to be unique and not just echoing what others write. Yes, that is what I should do.

>>I think it is a good thing to be aware of others suffering.
Sounds like he was trying to give you a gift... So you would internalise the fact that he doesn't hate you...

> I hadn't thought of it that way. I'm not sure he would go so far as to help me internalize things. I'm not sure why he decided to hug me and tell me it's okay to love him. Maybe you are right. Maybe he wants me to know that he doesn't hate me and doesn't want bad things to happen to me. Now I can put those thoughts to rest.

Yeah. Initially... I thought it wasn't appropriate for you to ask him for a hug. Then... I thought that it wasn't inappropriate for you to ask... But I thought it would be inappropriate for him to do that. I was surprised that he did. And I got to wondering why... And I got to wondering / worrying about the appropriateness of it all. Especially since he gets the benefit of transference response without the responsibility of ethical guidelines for his conduct. So I had a look... I had a look about the function of touch. About the good uses of touch as opposed to the abuses of touch. Seems that that is what it is supposed to be used for. Facilitating (strenghening if you like) attachment. Facilitating internalisation of the fact that someone cares instead of wishing you harm. Seems to have worked out. You don't seem to worry as much as you used to about whether he hates you and wishes you dead. You seem to think that he isn't afraid of you and your attachment, he doesn't hate you and your attachment.

If he wasn't up to that then... What else would he have been up to? I worried about that even if you didn't. Group setting etc etc I'm sure it is okay.

>> It is good to give as well as to receive
>> It is nice to answer other peoples threads and help them feel better
>> Rather asking people in pain to...
>> What do you want us to say?

> I'm going to try to remember how others are in pain now whenever I'm happy.

People aren't just in pain whenever you are happy. They are in pain whenever you are sad too. People can be in pain quite a lot. Remembering... Is one thing. Acknowledging peoples pain is another. It is one thing to start your own thread (about you) to acknowledge others pain... It is another thing to reply to other peoples posts (about them) to acknowledge others pain.

> I'm going to try to be a better person. I have to notice other people more....really listen. I have to learn to be a better listener, read between the lines, try to put myself in other people's shoes.

I think it is about taking the effort to reply.
Taking the effort to let them know you read what they said
You thought about it from their position
You have sympathy for them
Maybe to think about whether you have been in a similar position
Maybe something helped you?
Maybe something they can apply to them?

One has to learn to care for others...
Caring for others is a way of...
Fostering things so that...
Others demonstrate caring for us.

It gets easier... It gets better with practice.

I try to respond to others
(Thoughtful responses)
Before starting threads of my own

It is good to give as well as to recieve

I'm glad you are feeling much better...

But there are people hurting as much as you used to hurt

And now it is you who are better placed to help them...

Use it for good Deneb

lol we crossed posts.

:-)

yeah i think you are onto something.

one nice post (a really thoughtful one) per day sounds like a good plan.

it does.

(doesn't rule out more than one, but it is a nice committment to make).

[allthegirls6]

Greenie,

anybody thats been here for any length of time couldnt possible not remember you and the admin guy. The thing is, you are obsessed and its just not healthy. You should be trying to resolve this, maybe move on and try to come to terms with the reality of the situation.

greenleaves, i'm really worried about your obsession with Bob. do you tell your Pdoc EVERYTHING that you've done trying to get to him?

and did he ask you to call him? this has gone on for a very long time and i am afraid that you're going to end up hurt and more confused about relationships.

he runs the site. he likes attention. however, focusing on him as much as you do, just can't be that healthy for you.

we care about you and hope you can work more on this with your Pdoc and i think it would be very beneficial for you to get a T and schedule meetings more often.

i've read your posts on Babble and it just sounds, to me, that you could use some more help with this.....xoxoxo pat

[SeptemberMorn]

Greenleaves, I've got one question.

What does Dr. B do for YOU to make you love him so much?

You're not in love. You're obsessed.

[nothemama8]

Greenleaves instead of looking for a fantasy love look for the real thing in the real world, loving Bob keeps you from finding a real life relationship

[Greenleaves]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Facilitating (strenghening if you like) attachment. Facilitating internalisation of the fact that someone cares instead of wishing you harm. Seems to have worked out. You don't seem to worry as much as you used to about whether he hates you and wishes you dead. You seem to think that he isn't afraid of you and your attachment, he doesn't hate you and your attachment.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I don't think I'll ever think that he wishes me dead again. He hugged me! Not just I hugged him, he hugged me back!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
People can be in pain quite a lot. Remembering... Is one thing. Acknowledging peoples pain is another. It is one thing to start your own thread (about you) to acknowledge others pain... It is another thing to reply to other peoples posts (about them) to acknowledge others pain.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I didn't think of that...I suppose there is a big difference between starting my own threads to acknowledge others' pain and replying to their threads to acknowledge their pain.

[Greenleaves]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
allthegirls6 said:
Greenie,

anybody thats been here for any length of time couldnt possible not remember you and the admin guy. The thing is, you are obsessed and its just not healthy. You should be trying to resolve this, maybe move on and try to come to terms with the reality of the situation.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I know the situation. I don't need to come to terms with it. I know that Dr. B can never be my friend. I know that he sees me as just another poster. The thing is, I don't want him to see me as special. I like that he doesn't get close to me. He's a safe person to love. Real relationships are scary to me.

[Greenleaves]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
do you tell your Pdoc EVERYTHING that you've done trying to get to him?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yes. I've told my pdoc everything. She knows about the e-mails with the threats to me life. She knows about how I post about loving him almost everyday. She knows about me asking him for a hug. She knows how happy loving him makes me feel.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
and did he ask you to call him?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Huh? I'm not sure what you mean. Who is "he"? Ask to call whom?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
however, focusing on him as much as you do, just can't be that healthy for you.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I think it's just fine. How exactly is it unhealthy?

[Greenleaves]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
SeptemberMorn said:
Greenleaves, I've got one question.

What does Dr. B do for YOU to make you love him so much?

You're not in love. You're obsessed.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Dr. B doesn't do anything for me specifically, but he does do things for the group.

I know it's probably more like an obsession than love, but I'm okay with that.

[Greenleaves]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
nothemama8 said:
Greenleaves instead of looking for a fantasy love look for the real thing in the real world, loving Bob keeps you from finding a real life relationship

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I don't like real life relationships much. I'm not much of a relationships type of person.

[Greenleaves]

It's very strange, the differences between this site and the other. Not a lot of people on the other site tell me that my love for Dr. B is unhealthy.

Here everyone is telling me it's unhealthy.

Why is that?

one of the reasons, as far as i'm concerned, is that a poster, on babble, has to be so careful in the way that they word their replies or it's a PCB.....

and there are a lot of people here who see your obsession with him as being unhealthy. and we are just mirroring back to you, what we're "hearing/seeing".....and it is all out of concern for you.

are you blocked from babble right now?

maybe you feel that you have to work harder here to make us understand your feelings. you've been there for a much longer time and the posters there are more acquainted with you than we are.

just a thought or two for you. pat

[Greenleaves]

Maybe people here see my obsession as unhealthy because people here don't know me or Dr. B as well.

If people knew me better here, you would realize that loving Dr. B isn't harming me or Dr. B in any way.

I'm not blocked from anywhere right now.

i'm not going to debate you upon the merits of loving Dr. Bob. i know the site well. i was there for quite some time.

i'm glad that you're not blocked from babble.

good luck. p

[Kalamity]

"I know that Dr. B can never be my friend. I know that he sees me as just another poster. The thing is, I don't want him to see me as special. I like that he doesn't get close to me. He's a safe person to love. Real relationships are scary to me."

"I don't like real life relationships much. I'm not much of a relationships type of person."

I've been here many time before, loving people that cannot love me back. Loving them because it's safe and it feels good to have love and give love. But this is not a healthy behavior. It's way of avoiding things that need to be dealt with. You may yet find that your heart can be tragically broken even when you think you can live without the love being returned. It can hurt just as much if it were a normal healthy relationship in which your love is returned to you.

The last object of my obsession told me that it was ok that I loved him. He was even playful and at times flirtatious. I knew there would never be a "we" but even yet I grew to having expectations of him and it got harder and harder to deal with him not loving me. Now he hates me and has all but disappeared leaving a huge hole in my heart. It's been four years and I can't seem to get over it. I know it's a stupid obsession. I know it's not healthy. I still need to love him to avoid certain personal issues.

I too am concerned for you.