 |
| FAQ/Help |
| Calendar |
| Search |
|
#1
Dec 20, 2012, 01:56 AM
|
|||
|
|||
|
I don't know if this is the correct forum to post this kind of issue...if it isn't, I'm sorry. But I'm really worried about my relationship between my boyfriend and I. At first, our relationship was almost seamless--PERFECT. He was very supportive, tried his best to take care of me, and he LISTENED to me. I really thought, for once, I was in a very healthy relationship because my past relationships were very emotionally, verbally, and one was also sexually abusive. Well, 3 months down the road the relationship plummeted to an ultimate low. We got in a very heated argument. I said some very mean things and vice-versa...I threw water on his face...and he grabbed me and threw me on the ground. The bruise was gigantic and it hurt to move for 2 weeks.
He apologized, promised he'd never do it again... During these last 6 months (been together for 9) he had cheated on me...called me a *****, the c-word, and is always calling me stupid. He gets mad and yells at me just by me saying one sentence wrong. He constantly makes fun of the way I talk, which he knows is an insecurity of mine. Calls me fat when he knows I have an eating disorder. Calls me stupid even though he knows that Ive attempted suicide due to thinking that about myself. He hates my friends and family and hates it when I spend time with them. He's always breaking into my phone to check my text messages, phone calls, Facebook messages / posts / comments, my emails. He always wants us to do things together and throws a huge fit if I want to do something that doesn't involve him. I have bruises. Can't move my neck much because it hurts from him getting me into a choke-hold earlier today. He just got mad basically for no reason and decided to keep arguing with me and telling me how horrible I am, how much he hates me for 5 hours, knowing that I'm trying to prepare to hang out with my friend I rarely see. He mocks me... I wanted to hang out with one of my other friends a few days ago and when she texted me to ask me what I was doing, he texted her (pretending to be me) "I'm hanging out with my boyfriend all day". He doesn't want me to hang out with my friends!!! It's always him, him, him! I never get me time and I'm so stressed out! He wrecked my mala (Buddhist prayer bead necklace) that he gave me today, he cut himself and kept telling me how he's going to kill himself, GRABBED A KNIFE AND ASKED ME TO STAB HIM, and told me that it's my fault I get abused. Yes, I say hurtful things when he does...yes, when he chokes me and chases me around the house, I get violent back and defend myself. So is this abuse? Or am I just a terrible girlfriend? 
|
 Harley47, kcakes, Onward2wards, Rose76
|
|
#2
Dec 20, 2012, 02:18 AM
|
|||
|
|||
 Are you serious? Your relationship sounds horrific. This is 100%, definitely ABUSE. You need to get out! That behaviour is IN NO WAY even vaguely acceptable. I was in an (emotionally) abusive relationship that ended up with me suicidal and in hospital. An awful, awful time. And of course I blamed myself for being crazy, irrational, for "asking for it" and "deserving" it. She put me down in any way possible. It started out so subtly that I couldn't even tell it was happening. Then I started to get depressed, and the abuse got even more visible, and I got worse and worse until I just broke down and ended up in hospital Please let me know if you want to talk by IM, I would like to help if I can... |
|
#3
Dec 20, 2012, 02:28 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Oh no honey, you are definitely not a terrible girlfriend. He seems very abusive and controlling. I'm sorry you have to go through that. It sounds like a toxic relationship.
Best of luck, dear... |
|
#4
Dec 20, 2012, 03:20 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
9/10 times if you have to ask if your partner is abusive, they probably are.
|
|
#5
Dec 20, 2012, 05:03 AM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Quote:
__________________
"My own mind is my own Church." - Thomas Paine |
|
#6
Dec 20, 2012, 05:27 AM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Yes, this IS ABUSE ... !!!
Get The Heck Out NOW ...  ... Your VERY LIFE depends on it ... !!!If you can't do it on your own, get yourself to the nearest DOMESTIC VIOLENCE shelter ... They'll help ... !!! Don't allow yourself to become the next STATISTIC ... !!!  Pfrog!
|
|
#7
Dec 20, 2012, 02:09 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
GET OUT OF THERE! This guy is eventually going to KILL you! If you think i'm kidding, just read the newspapers about abusive relationships! Women get murdered every day!
PLEASE -- leave this guy. Go to a friend's house. Go to a shelter. I don't care where you go, but you HAVE to get out of there!! Otherwise, you're going to be a statistic -- and I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE! PLEASE??? Leave!!!! We care about you! We really do. Love, Lee 
__________________
The truth shall set you free but first it will make you miserable..........................................Garfield |
|
#8
Dec 20, 2012, 03:49 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Hi Darla.
I think Lee and Pfrog nailed it when they advised to get out ASAP. This man is horribly abusive...he should NEVER lay a hand on you, NEVER yell at you as he does, and you DESERVE loyalty in a partner. He has broken every single rule of basic, basic trust that a relationship should have, and then some. You deserve better, and he deserves to be arrested, frankly. Get out however you can...none of us want to see this progress any further. Please know I wish you all of my best, and I hope things work out.
__________________
The world suffers alot. Not because of the violence of bad people, but because of the silence of good people.- Napoleon Bonaparte |
|
#9
Dec 20, 2012, 04:21 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
When someone is pointing a finger at you, there are three more pointing back at them.Ive survived 17 yrs of abuse,are you going to be a victum or a survivor?? Survivors are the ones who leave,with thier head held high,with the intentions of taking control of thier lives,and working toward a better future for yourself.Good luck, the first step can be scary,so do it quietly, while he is gone out of the house.
|
| Anonymous32810, anonymous82113
|
|
#10
Dec 20, 2012, 04:34 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
http://www.thehotline.org/
If you have no safe place to go you can go to a domestic violence shelter. They usually offer free counseling. Be aware that the most dangerous time for an abused woman is when her partner realizes she is leaving. I've been through this. It is fruitless to try to change him. PM me if you want to talk.
__________________
The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well. anonymous |
 kcakes, OrangeMoira
|
|
#11
Dec 20, 2012, 04:58 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Run.
Seriously, run away from this man. You deserve better, oh, so much better. Take good care of yourself, he won't. Hugs. |
|
#12
Dec 20, 2012, 05:48 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
I don't know what to do and it's hard for me to believe that I am, once again, in the depths of an abusive relationship. He has severe anger problems...I guess it's pretty apparent after reading my thread. I was seriously planning on leaving and its like I can't do it, I LOVE HIM, I know it's stupid and I know it's hurting me but I don't know if I can leave him. I'm really messed up :/
|
| Anonymous32810, southpole
|
|
#13
Dec 20, 2012, 06:09 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Of course you love him. He's made sure of it. He's also worn you down, to the point that you are ready to stay in an abusive relationship. He has messed you up. Am so sorry, but this is what abusers do. I wonder if you think you can change him too with a little bit more of your love?
They also never change, well, rarely - as rare as rocking horse poo anyway. What would you advise a friend who told you all the things you said in your first post? I bet you'd tell her to leave him. Can you really bare to live with a man, who, providing it doesn't escalate to him injuring you for life, or worse? And if he didn't do these things, living with abuse for the next 10, 20, 30 years? A lifetime of misery, if you're lucky enough to survive. Please please talk to friends and ask them to help you. Phone a helpline. Go to a refuge if you've no other choice. Plan your escape. This man is not worthy of your love. |
| DarlaKat
|
| Harley47
|
|
#14
Dec 20, 2012, 06:31 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
I told my friend yesterday....and she was shocked. It shocked me, too, saying it out loud. I know I should do the right thing but it's complicated... I know it's the abuse that has me feeling like this, but I feel like he needs me. I've motivated him to finally get back into school...we both work at the same place, same hours (MY IDEA, though he liked it because he could cuss other guys out if they hit on me)... We're going to go to therapy next month. Which I know I should just leave...ugh...I just feel like he could overcome it if he learned how to express himself and communicate appropriately.
My friend is really worried about me though and I hate doing this to her. It's not right for me to allow my best friend of 6 years watch me get constantly abused by men and go through cycles of depression and social withdrawal. I don't understand myself lol it's sad
|
| Anonymous32810
|
|
#15
Dec 20, 2012, 07:00 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Quote:
|
|
#16
Dec 20, 2012, 07:19 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Yes he is..do you really need to ask?
__________________
"Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can see the top." -Wildflower http://missracgel.wixsite.com/bearhugs |
|
#17
Dec 20, 2012, 07:22 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Quote:
__________________
"Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can see the top." -Wildflower http://missracgel.wixsite.com/bearhugs |
|
#18
Dec 20, 2012, 07:25 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Quote:
I do hope therapy can help you both, but I do still stand firmly by my decision that it is in both your immediate and long term interest to leave this "man," as soon as you can. I don't want to see things escalate and get any worse.
__________________
The world suffers alot. Not because of the violence of bad people, but because of the silence of good people.- Napoleon Bonaparte |
| Anonymous32810
|
|
#19
Dec 20, 2012, 07:32 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Quote:
You feel he needs you? This is classic manipulative behaviour. The only thing he needs from you is to control you. What about what you need? Do you not need to be in a relationship away from fear, emotional blackmail and pain? Please listen to me - YOU CAN NOT CHANGE HIM. If he is going to therapy in the future, then good on him. I wonder tho, if he will make excuses when the time comes not to go? He has to actually admit that he's doing wrong and not a lot of abusers do this and mean it. How long will you be there for him to sort out his stuff? What if it takes him a couple of years to start changing his ways? Are you going to stay and be his punch bag for that time? All for something that may never improve, life offers no promises so please use your head, not your heart and get out early. It would be better for your health, safety and sanity if you stepped away while he attempts to sort himself out. He actually should not be in a relationship the way he is now. He's not safe, he is a monster. And he has to have a complete 180 on his personality to ever deserve your love and trust. All the time you are together, he'll get a deeper and deeper hold on you, erode any spirit in you and life together will get more complicated - kids, mortgage etc. And you have less people to talk to, not friends, no family that he will let you see. Leaving then will be even harder. You should be looking after your own life, not his. He's lucky that you've helped him with school etc, but it should end there. He abuses you. Nobody ever should do that. Ever. |
|
#20
Dec 21, 2012, 07:01 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Quote:
|
|
#21
Dec 21, 2012, 11:00 AM
|
|||
|
|||
|
In a normal situation, it might be sweet and noble to help out your SO. The thing is this is not a normal situation and I can say pretty confidently that your love and anything that you go out of your way to do for him is tainted by the abuse and causes you to "try harder" to help him and go out of your way for him, etc. Thing is that this is the nature of abuse. The tendency a lot of times is for the victim to feel a strong need to fix, help and care for the abuser, many times even feeling like the abuser is the one in need. In other words I think it's typical for the abused SO to almost feel as if the abuser is the one hurting! I know this may sound backward, and it is but it's true. It's clear in your latest statement saying "if he could only learn to express himself..."
My thought is, let him learn to express himself first without you there. The true test of how much he loves you is getting out of the situation and forcing him to look at himself. You won't get him to change a dang thing while you're basically staying, in essence telling him his behavior isn't bad enough to change. Honestly. If he truly loves you, he'll get the help he needs at that point and when and if he's changed his behavior and proven himself to you, you can take him back, go back with him etc. Unfortunately, a lot of abusive men just move onto the next victim. It comes down to your safety. The longer you're there, the more he learns his abuse of you is ok, and therefore, most likely will escalate. In time, it will get worse, if you stay. I can almost guarantee that. Until such point he harms you badly enough that you end up in the hospital or worse. You say you can't leave. You can. His life won't end because you leave, neither will yours. In fact if you leave you can start a real life and find someone that will treat you with respect and dignity. Quote:
Last edited by Anonymous12111009; Dec 21, 2012 at 11:01 AM. Reason: changed wording |
|
#22
Dec 21, 2012, 02:08 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Yes, that is abuse. It won't get better. I'm sorry for you. Out of loneliness we become willing to tolerate abuse. I've been through it.
It sounds like he is very troubled and you are not in a position to help him. You can't love away the problems he has. |
| unaluna
|
|
#23
Dec 23, 2012, 07:20 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
I understand the feeling that even when you know subconsciously that it's abuse, you see all the good qualities of a partner and still feel love for them. From what I've read, it would be more unusual if you didn't feel that way. And it will be so hard to listen to other people say bad things about him, when you know his good side and instinctively feel loyal to him. It's horrible. I hope you can find the help you need.
|
| Reply |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
|
My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.
Linear Mode
