Fear of leaving abuser

My alcoholic boyfriend likes to give lectures after he drinks. He doesnt let me speak and if I do, I have to apologize and tell him I understand or else he will flip out and start yelling and possibly get physically violent. Today I texted him that I wouldnt be hungry for dinner because my niece brought me a slice of pizza around 3pm, I thought we could figure out his dinner and wanted to let him know. He took it as me not thinking of him because there wasnt a whole lot of choices in the house and I hadnt been shopping yet. I have a syndrome that causes fatigue and syncope so a set schedule is out of the question. I dont work right now and wont be for a few months. He lectured me for about 30 minutes and it was the first time I agreed and complied out of fear of his anger. This made me realize I need to get out asap. I bring up job options and every single one, he doesnt like because there are men working where I would want to apply. I dont have any friends because Im not allowed them. He has erupted in front of my family so they barely talk to me because I stay with him. I get help from social services and have no where to go. My car is about to break down, on top of my medical and mental problems, I am at rock bottom. But I know I need to get out. Ive left numerous times, he promises to change though I know now that he never will. Any advice? I may have posted in this forum with similar problems but I just have no one to talk to. I feel like Ive worn out my welcome with everyone. I dont want to ever go back to him but I dont know where to start to get on my feet. Im scared and lonely and tired of walking on eggshells.

Could you possibly get a nanny job? That would allow you a place to live and some cash to get your car fixed. Maybe you could even get back to school at night or something. In any event, you're going to have to resolve to make a change if you want something better for your life. You deserve to be happy, you really do. Hugs to you.

Look - the family members ARE there for you. the family members barely talk to you simply because you STAY WITH HIM. They probably have tried to show you that staying with him is detrimental in too many ways to list here, but have failed, and have simply given up trying and have thus withdrawn. As soon as you tell them that you want to get out, they might very well help you.

If they indeed have tried to help you see that you are being a victim of abuse, then, to increase your chances of getting help from them, I would start by telling them that you appreciate their efforts and realize how awful they must have felt seeing for themselves that you are in deep trouble and yet being unable to get their point across. Express your gratitude first, then state your intention to leave, and then ask for assistance.

Keep us posted! Good luck getting out and back into the world that respects you!

I'm sure you haven't worn out your welcome here. If there were lack of responses, in the past, here, probably just timing of posts, etc.

I feel that his erupting in front of your family, had the potential to have left them walking on eggshells, themselves. One thing, I learned, about my own family and the disconnect feeling I, myself, once had with my now exh, is that they were scared for my own safety, if they were to contact me.

You mention, possible, physical abuse, has he been physical?

You mention, he's a 'boyfriend.' Boyfriends are so much easier to leave than husbands, in a legal sense.

Is there anyone, friend, family, loved one that can take you in, temporarily, until you get back on your feet? Are you on and HUD waiting lists for housing? (ask because you mention social services. Even when there is a need, there is still a wait. Most frustrating.)

So, he doesn't like any of your job prospects, because there a men working there? Hmphhh...how many times, have I ever heard such drives to prevent me from becoming independent, financially myself. Gosh, I'd be rich, if I had a penny for all those moments. That is clearly about the cycle of abuse and forcing your dependence on him, as a means of control and perpetuates abuse.

Sometimes, the asap plan, isn't always practical. How can you start taking the step and measures in the here and now, to ensure that you can have that asap moment?

Hannabee, Ive never thought of a nanny job, perhaps when Im cleared to work again. I have 6 months off as per my T because my last boss sexually harassed me. I dont think Im emotionally stable enough to take care of children. I can barely take care of myself. Thank you though and it will definitely be an option once Im cleared to work and feel better:-)
Hamster, I suppose my family would be there if I spoke with them. I think maybe its just my lonliness and self esteem fighting me in that aspect. Maybe I dont feel worthy of their help? Ive gone back and forth from my home to my parents and feel like they are sick of it. When in reality they are probably just worried about me. Thank you:-)
Healing, you are completely right about them walking on eggshells. It has happened in front of one of his siblings too. Someone he is very close to, who looks up to him. I had thought at one point that he felt so bad that he would change but it hasnt done anything really. He has been violent in the past, pushing me and pinning me against the wall, grabbing my wrists and not letting me go, forcing sexual things without my consent but that has all stopped, recently his words and tone of voice and psychological abuse has gotten worse. And I know thats just as bad as physical.
He is just a boyfriend. This is sad but the thing I will miss most is the house we shared. I was never well off in my past and now we rent a house that Ive put a lot of work into. I hate that I have to start over when I put all of my eggs in one basket. I had planned on marrying him... that is until I saw this side. Im glad I did before marrying.
I can stay with family. Though I get really uncomfortable, (ive done this a few times) I need to remember how much worse it is where I am at now. And that its only temporary. I guess I need a solid game plan so I dont run back to him. My mom said when she left my alcoholic abusive father, she stayed mad at him. She remembered the bad times to stay away just until she was over him. I am gullible and empathize easily so I would talk when he wanted and listen to his sorrys... I guess the relationship lately has hardened me. I hope its enough to stay away. I have saved a little $ here and there and have the apartment app. I also have some boxes packed. He knows none of this.
Thanks so much for everyones response. It helps that I atleast have someone to talk to.

I would make up to whatever family members I could and move in with them for awhile until I could figure out a next step for myself.

PlaneJane-

Have you called the DV hotline? Abusers WANT to isolate you from your friends & family.

If you decide to call the DV hotline, make sure he is not there and you are safe...they will probably ask you that immediately anyway. I was in a verbally & emotionally abusive relationship. The DV counselor was WONDERFUL. They will not force you to leave.

The guy I was with wanted me to wear a beeper so he could get in contact w/ me anytime he wanted...I was an OR nurse at the time and I said "You cannot GET in contact w/ me if I am assisting w/ an operation." That was not good enough. It felt like each day was a month. He was an FBI agent and must have looked up a whole bunch of stuff about me. It was so CRAZY!

I agree with Perna. You should get out of there as soon as possible. You need another shelter and then no one knows what can come up.
Speak as clearly as you can with your family, asking for their help and assistance.

You can substitute the habit of thinking about him and living with him with attention to how much your life will improve:
- you won't need to be scared anymore
- you can say as many things as you like cause no one will assault you
- your fridge can be completely empty and you can still have a big smile on your face

Remember yourself frequently how much better is your life WITHOUT him.
You might even want to write down all the bad things you had together and re-read them over day and day and say to yourself "lucky me I got out of there"

I used the same trick your mother did to leave my abusive husband. I satyed angry which is hard for me to do, I am also very empathetic and want to believe the best of everyone. But I focused on all the things he had done to me and I focused on getting my freedom back and my happiness, basically getting my life back. Actually I became down right discusted with him.

It is best if you do leave to cut ALL communication with him and not let him know where you are. It keeps you safe and keeps you from being drawn back into him with all his big promises to change. It's typical for the abuser to act out the honey moon phase when you try to leave them. They become the sweetest, nicest person but it doesn't last long and the abuse usually escalates each time. I swear they look for people who have have a lot of empathy and kindness because they can play on that every time. Cutting all contact is really the best and easiest way to move forward. You have to remember that this person is an abuser and not your friend. They are not on your side, and do not have your best interests in mind.

I am so glad to hear that you do have somewhere to go. It might be uncomfortable but not as uncomfortable as you feel now with him. One step closer to being at peace.

Better to get away now while you sound like you still have some self esteem intact and strength. Cause that can wear down so much making it even harder. And before you end up married somehow or with a baby. You sound pretty aware, I have faith that you can do this. It's never easy but it's worth every effort.

You can have a nice place again one day if that's what you want. I never had much growing up either, when I was married we did ok but struggled still because all our money went to his addictions, some of which I did not even know about. But now I have a lovely home for my three kids and I and we have a pretty good life. It took a while but I did it and I did it on my own, which feels pretty good . I would have never had anything if I stayed with him. So I know that you can have what you want. You have better odds of acheiving you dreams with out him because he will always pull you down.

One day after you heal from this whole ordeal, you might meet a wonderful man who will cherish you and love you the way you deserve to be. The man you are with never will.

It's never too late to walk out. You don't owe him anything not even an explanation.

Please remember to leave swiftly and silently. The angriest my ex ever was, was when he got the slightest "whiff" of me leaving. Ideally there should be no trace of you when he returns from work, block his number, and please do write down all the negatives. It helps hold onto that special brand of angry that keeps us safe.

I wish you well, please check in to let us know how you are and if you're safe

Quote:

Originally Posted by planejane13 . When in reality they are probably just worried about me. Thank you:-)

Hun, it never stops, 'just for now.' Once, it's begun, it comes back, in time. Years and years and years and years....of coercion. Forced, against consent, without regard.

Know what that can do you your emotional state?

Ever had an emotional break down? Ever split from reality, over continued abuse?

Gullible and empathetic. The hardening, is only 'just beginning.'

I'd say, there's one form of abuse, that worse than all the others, and they are all damaging.

Best way, to leave? Is to realize, this ideal of a home and life together, is just a dream. Wishful thinking.

And after, you leave....take a long time, away from feeling the need to be with someone, for the sake of that 'dream'. It's an illusion.

Planejane, I am so very sorry you are having to go threw this. I to have been in a difficult situation w/ my H. I have 3 kids and am married to my H he was mentally and emotionally abusive and very controlling. We are now in T and it has helped so much. It took a sheer act of God to put everything in place. I do understand how hard it is to leave.

My H sounds much like your BF. I worked in a day care so there would be very limited contact with males. My H was jealous of every man he saw. I also worked for a house keeping service. I worked w/ other females and no one was home when we cleaned. Not the most glamorous of jobs but it did keep money coming in. It is important that you have a job. You need money t secure your future. I know I am one to talk. I have not worked in 15 years. Right now I save quarters. I keep them in a M&M candy container. That way it is not suspected. I also have a cup w/ a lid on it and every time I get a dollar to spare I put it in that cup. I had enough to open a checking account that way. Just something to think about. I am 39 years old, I have just gotten my first credit card and my first checking account just a year ago. Get a PO box so he cannot track you, and so he doesn't get mail that is yours. It took a very talented T to make all this happen and a very serious series of events.

Honey if you are not married to this man, make sure you do not get married to him and do not get pregnant. Make a plan to get away, when he is gone run. Leave no tracks. Get what you can in your name, your car, the house, any belongs you may share. My car is not in my name, my H wouldn't put it in my name. Neither is our house. It makes a difference. Check to see when leases are up on things.( car, apartment) I have a spare bag packed and have left it at families house. My family has no idea though. When I did laundry at there house when our washer was broke, I stashed an outfit there. I also keep a packed bag in the trunk of my car.

Do you have a cell phone? My H recently got me a cell phone, upon request of my T. We live in the country. Everything is 20 mils or more away. I got a phone in case he ever tried to hurt me and I needed to escape quickly or he followed me after escaping.

I think my situation is different then yours because my H was not drinking. If there is a way to escape him please do.

good luck hun, keep us posted.

Thank you all so much for your help. I left him shortly after my last post because I couldnt stand to be in the same house. He called me crying, he had left work. I came back. He has quit drinking and gone to an a.a. meeting. I made an appointment for couples counseling. I dont trust him fully though, its only been a few days. I applied for an income based housing apartment when I left and have been saving money. I still have boxes packed incase I leave. We have changed our routine, been more active so he is less likely to drink but he has done this once before. He quit for about a month because he saw the damage it was doing, said he didnt like who he was when he drank and then started again because "he should be able to do what he wants" He knows this is the last time. I get help financially from social services now so income is one less thing to worry about. I dont like this waiting game but I love him so I keep giving him chances. Ill let you all know what happens. Thanks so much for all your advice. By the way, Im on birth control and theres no way Id get married at this point. I also have a diary I can read filled with our arguments and I have recordings of him yelling at me, so I dont come back if I leave.

Planejane, I am so glad you are taking care of yourself. My H was an monster for 18 years. I stayed. I get that you love him. My H and I have been in T for a year and a half now. Things have improved dramatically. He has been nice to me for 5 months now. I am still do afraid to believe that he will not go back to his old ways. But things are going better. Reguardless of what people say, once an abuser always an abuser, that is not always correct.

I am glad you got government assistance, and you are on birth control. No one can take control of your life but you. A diary is a great idea. I have records of the things my H did to me, the threats he made against my children. I to keep these notebooks as a reminder of what can happen. I remember and doubt I will ever forget.

I am so glad you are safe and things are going well. Please keep us updated, weather it is good or bad.

Family or a woman's shelter is probably your best bet at the moment. I bet your family will be overjoyed at your decision to get out of that relationship.

I know a girl who is stuck on your same boat for 7 years and its not a nice view.

Sent from my cm_tenderloin using Tapatalk 4

Well Ive stumbled across a video called "Narcissistic abuse and how to overcome it" Everything makes a lot more sense to me now. I wonder why I keep coming back, thinking its because I love him and really we are addicted to the negative "peptides". I learned a lot but now am stuck in this depression because it seems there will be a long road to recovery and didnt realize the severity of the effects this situation will have on me long term. I havent left yet. Today we are supposed to sign another year lease and I feel as though I should tell my landlords that I probably wont be here much longer. Im afraid they'll think Im crazy. They live right next door and know Ive left multiple times before. My bf still hasnt touched a drop of alcohol but he is still jealous and frustrated and Im having a hard time. I know I need to leave. I mentioned the abuse to his mother and she says I need to work on the effects my childhood has had on me, that thats the cause of my initial problem with the bf. That didnt make me feel very good because I know Im sensitive and I dont like loud noises or fights, etc but Ive never been in a relationship and been this depressed and anxiety ridden. I feel so bad about myself today.

Take the stuff u packed and go to your mom's house. Now.
No signing any lease with your name on.

Wether you are addicted or inlove, there's no reason to subject yourself to misery. And this is exactly what you're doing. Subjecting YOURSELF.

If the love is real, and he continues on his road to recovery, you 2 will reconcile when he has healed. Love knows no space or time...

Take your stuff and go. Signing that lease will just complicate your situation even further.

You are miserable, do yourself a favour and take steps toward happiness.

planejane-

PLEASE do not sign the lease. If he is being nice, is because that is the part of the part of the "cycle of abue" he is in...there will be another explosion/episode...whatever you want to call it. It is a vicious cycle....you certainly do not want to be tied to him financially & legally w/ a lease. Are you in the US?

If he is not there, call the DV hotline...just talk with them. The national DV hotline # is 800-799-SAFE.

1) - it does not MATTER AT ALL what the landlords think of you. If they think that you are crazy, it would be PERFECTLY FINE AND OF NO CONSEQUENCES. The consequences would stem from your co-signing a lease, because that would create a legal obligation. Do not co-sign the lease and do not care about what the landlords think or feel or say. Just do not co-sign the lease and call it quits.

2) If you know that you need to leave, why did you waste your time mentioning the abuse to his mother? Why did you even select his mother to be the person with whom you'd share? You do not know anything about what is called "conflict of interest"?

As Trippin said - do not SUBJECT YOURSELF to this. Do not subject yourself. Leave.

His mother knows about our issues. We both go to her if we need someone to talk to. She has been helpful in the past and I mentioned it to her because we were talking about abuse. She knows about his behavior and sometimes I stay with her when I need to leave my house. I wont be signing the lease. The landlords are my family. I guess thats why Im afraid to tell them anything.