[concerned4stepkids]

Daughter 19 had abusive bf. He has hit, pushed and kidnapped her several times. Controlling. Maybe psychotic or bipolar (can say FU and Love you within seconds. BF actions are always based off of emotions. Can't stay in a job or a place to live.

She is in 3rd trimester of preg. She moved 800 miles away from him to live with me several months ago. I have a very good relationship with her.

She loves, fears and hates him. He frustrates her daily with calls and messages. She talks to him out of guilt because of the baby and because she does care about him.

He informed her yesterday he is driving here today so they can be a happy family. She told him not to come over and over. She doesn't want to go to police because she still loves him, but she knows he is bad for the baby, which is why she decided to move here.

He has limited funds and most likely wont make it this far. But there still is that fear. He only knows the town we live in, not the address.

I think he is dangerous.

She showed me all the text messages between them. The conversation ended with her telling him that if he loved her to respect her wishes and not come. That she didn't want him here.

He said, tell me you love me or call and I wont come. (she ignored)
Then he said I love you and will call you in the morning after I leave.

Not sure what to do. I want to call police and warn them of his arrival. But she tells me she isn't ready for a restraining order just yet.

On another note, he has another son... he has suggested kidnapping him to her over a year ago and she talked him out of it. Who knows if he tries that too.

[gayleggg]

My heart goes out to you. I couldn't stand seeing my daughter in that kind of relationship. Unfortunately, your daughter is an adult and you can't do much. She has to do it for herself and her baby. Hopefully, he want make it that far, but in the mean time she needs to take some steps to cut the ties, like change her phone number so the texting and phone calls can stop. But I don't know if she is willing to do that yet. You might see if there is some abuse hotline in your area that might have some counseling for her to help her get emotionally out of this relationship. Hope thinks turn out okay.

[spondiferous]

I really don't know what to say to this but it does sound to me like some kind of intervention is needed. Maybe once he gets there your daughter will change her mind about the restraining order. In the meantime, regardless of what happens I would encourage your daughter and anyone else involved in this situation to retain any and all transmissions from this individual because should legal intervention come into play it'll help support your daughter. All the best.

[turquoisesea]

wow that's scary. I'm so sorry. It sounds like you might even need a restraining order if he mentioned kidnapping.. but it's also HER decision. Be there for her, and supportive... you could offer to not let him in, for her.

Do not let this SOB into your house!

She might not want to go to the police, but it's imperative that you do.

Otherwise you'll be in danger as well.

Hope you decide to not allow toxic tom (or whatever his name is) into your home.

If you do, nothing good will ever come of it and you, your daughter and the child could all end up DEAD.

Is that what you want?

Domestic Violence is not anything to be ambivalent about ... It's deadlier than a rattlesnake!

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by Pfrog

Do not let this SOB into your house!

Yes, don't let him in. I hope your daughter sees reason soon and gets a restraining order, not that it will guarantee no violence or kidnapping.

I am so sorry you are in this situation. I cannot imagine what your daughter is going through.

Clearly, though, you are both afraid of him and what he is capable of doing.

I agree with the other members...do not allow him in your home. Do not. Your family's safety comes first.

I know easier said than done.

Remember, this is your home. And you are an adult. You do not have to allow anyone into your home you are not comfortable with.

He already is aware that his presence is not wanted. Your daughter told him. And he ignored it. Any sane person would stop right there. However, he sounds like an abuser and a bully and counts in other people's weaknesses to manipulate them.

I was in a relationship not too long ago with someone like that. It is not fun. It is scary.

Please call the police if he shows up and does not leave (do NOT warn him that you will call, either. Just do it. He already knows he isnt supposed to be there). Also, advise your neighbors of the situation and what he looks like and the type of car / transportation he has. Let them know it is fine for them to call the police if they see him. Reassure them that they are in no danger, so they arent afraid, as well.

I had to do that...tell my neighbors. And sure enough he ignored my wishes, and my neighbor called 911 when they spotted him in his car, parked outside my home late at night. The police came, followed him as he drove away (he was alarmed) and they stopped him and talked to him asking him what he was doing. They never mentioned me at all. But he was definitely put on alert that there was a group watching out for me and I wasnt isolated and alone (they also count on that. That is why it is so important to NOT let him in your home).

**When he knew I had others looking out for me, he never came around again. These types are cowards**

Please be safe and do not be afraid to reach out for help. You and your daughter have done nothing wrong (she was with the wrong guy maybe, but sociopaths like this can be quite charming and we dont know who they really are until later in the relationship) and should not have to live in fear (sadly, that is what these guys live for. In their twisted minds, if we are afraid, we will let them get their way).

Please continue to post and let us know how you are doing.

[concerned4stepkids]

Thanks everyone. We saw where he posted on FB he was headed this way. We figured earliest time would be around 6:30 pm c if he drives fast. Heart pounding. No way, I will let him in. Hopefully he can't find us.

[concerned4stepkids]

So far he hasn't showed.

That is good. But my goodness, how nervewracking to be waiting and feeling on edge like this!

I also know that feeling ... him deciding to show up against my wishes and the feeling of fear and dread, waiting for him to appear. Do you and your daughter have a plan?

Does your daughter understand that he is not to come in the house? Also, does she understand that she should not speak with him so he cannot further manipulate her? (HE WILL MOST LIKELY USE THE WHOLE I DROVE 800 MILES HERE TO SEE YOU, POOR ME THING, SO GET READY FOR THAT).

I understand that she loves him, and this is a very complex situation, but hopefully she understands that for as much as you love her (and the baby), this is still your home. And you get to make the rules.

We are here. You will be ok. Just stick to your plan. Do not let him in the house. And be prepared to call 911.

[concerned4stepkids]

Update - still a no show, but according to him last night he was about 5 hrs away. She did talk to him and he has been insistent she has lunch with him today. She feels like she is between a rock and a hard place but told him no, that he needed to get his life together. Of course he said a lot that was all over the place emotionally. He said to stop giving him ultimatums and fought unfairly and lied. He is one sick puppy. You would be utterly shock at the things he says.

He says his goal is to settle in a town 3 hours away, but has no job or place to stay. He never wavered on this town (in a state he knows no one) nor considered anywhere else. but we think he may be visiting another woman there he met online. (He did slip and make reference to a "her" as in using her address to get a job)

It ended with him saying he was going to head back if she didn't have lunch with him today.. she stood her ground. We actually wonder if he was really heading this way at all. He was texting her long messages all day, never saying anything about where he was or about the trip. He had plenty of time to make it here even with long stops.

After the call, which she placed on speaker so I could hear too, her sprits were uplifted when she finally hung up and ignored all the many calls and texts. I think she needed to hear his hatefulness and lies once more.

As a last message on FB he posted "You'll regret it one day I promise you that!!!!!!!!!!!"

When words like that come from an abuser, it can only be taken as a threat.
- Screenshot taken -

Now let hope he doesn't show up here today.

It sounds as if he he really wasnt on his way and he was bluffing (trying to manipulate your daughter into seeing him).

The way you describe his behaviour sounds so familiar to what I experienced...so strange how familiar. It almost sounds like the same person.

They go to these types of extremes when they do not get their way, too. From being charming to begging, pleading, rationalizing, intense anger, threatening, bullying, apologizing, and then starting the cycle again. Thankfully, when they get tired or distracted or something shiny comes along, they go away.

I would not be surprised if there was someone else. Someone else that he is reliant on, that he is using (like this person three hours away).

I am glad to know you and your daughter and the baby are safe. Stick with the safety plan. Esp through the weekend.

(Also save the messages he sent. Esp the threatening one(s). You may need them later for law enforcement).

Hug

[concerned4stepkids]

OMG he says he is an hour away. But he did get into a minor accident. Could work for us if he has warrants out or is on probation.

do you really believe he was in an accident or that he is making things up for attention? communication purposes?

It sounds to me like another ploy.

Stay strong.

Originally Posted by concerned4stepkids

OMG he says he is an hour away. But he did get into a minor accident. Could work for us if he has warrants out or is on probation.

[concerned4stepkids]

May be a ploy. He was in self-pity mode last I heard. Apparently is stuck in the hour away town. Says he is looking for employment. Maybe ran out of gas/money.
This is tearing at us. I wish daughter would cut all ties, but she still cares about him. That gives him reason. She is still standing her ground with him, but now because of the stress she is attacking those trying to help her. She doesn't want to hear it. At one point she told me my guy goes or she does. I think she looking for reason to do what she knows is bad for her and the baby. In other words blame someone else for her choice. This guy is trying his hardest to pull her in. I fear what's to come.
Headed home to it all. She seems to be in a better mood and made a dinner suggestion. Doing my best to be understanding and supportive while trying to help her see that he is toxic (by listening to her complaints of him). Not sure what else I can do.

Where does she get off telling you in your home that it's either her or your guy?

Issue her a counter ultimatum ... Either she dumps her boyfriend or out the door she goes!

Shame on her & her toxic tom for bringing all this drama and trauma to your doorstep!

That seemed to take a strange turn ... I agree with pfrog.

Sadly, it appears she fell for his manipulation. But that does not have to be your problem. I know you love your daughter, and the baby on the way, but if she is willing to expose herself to a man like this, it is not your duty to put yourself in harm's way, as well.

Dont let him / them pull you under with them. You have gone above and beyond already.

I hope you will be able to stand your ground and be strong.

Just one more thing...your daughter is also exposing her child to this man. It will not turn out well. People do not change over night.

I am sorry.

[concerned4stepkids]

Originally Posted by Rose Panachée

That seemed to take a strange turn ... I agree with pfrog.

Sadly, it appears she fell for his manipulation. But that does not have to be your problem. I know you love your daughter, and the baby on the way, but if she is willing to expose herself to a man like this, it is not your duty to put yourself in harm's way, as well.

Dont let him / them pull you under with them. You have gone above and beyond already.

I hope you will be able to stand your ground and be strong.

Just one more thing...your daughter is also exposing her child to this man. It will not turn out well. People do not change over night.

I am sorry.

Thank you. It's hard to be a mom to adult children. I really don't have anyone to turn to about this. Seems this whole year has been one issue after another and none that I brought on myself. I am very quiet person, but when I do speak my concerns or forced to deal with things (which I put in my best effort into keeping it positive), I end up being the one everyone gets mad at.
As far as her. Maybe it's her hormones from the pregnancy, but she is telling him she wont see him until he pulls his life together. It's like she knows, but her heart is hurting too. I would say she has entered into a depression now.
She really doesn't know what she wants or what to do. It's all just leading him on because she just isn't ready to call it quits. She is very sad of the thought of the baby not having a daddy. Of course I tell her there are many men who would be happy to take his place and be a great dad. But it will take time to find him. She just isn't ready for that thought.

((((Concerned)))) you have us and you have PC. Don't give up. You are doing the best you can under the circumstances (which are for sure very challenging).

You are not alone and you can count on us for support. We have all been through one thing or another (or a bunch of things)...challenges caused by pain, heartbreak, uncertainty. We all want to do the right thing. That is why we are here, as well.

Try to take it one day at a time. You mentioned pregnancy and hormones & and your daughter has a history with this person. Good or bad. The bottom line is that ultimately she will do what she wants to do. Which I do hope is to stay away from him. But she is an adult (kind of...I have a hard time thinking of a19 year old as an "adult". The world is a lot more complicated and much more challenging than it used to be. And she is still your child. She will be your child no matter how old she is )

If you keep anything in mind, front and center, remember this is your home. Your safe place. It is important that you take care of yourself, though, and stay safe. And try really hard to adhere to your boundaries and what you are comfortable with.

(If you need to, make stickies with affirmations for yourself and post them where you can see them at any given time).

Dont let this man control and manipulate your life, as well, while he is playing mind games with your daughter. Be there for her and the baby. But also be sure to communicate your feelings and stick to your comfort zone.

I have a feeling he is going to try to weasel his way into all of your lives, and your home. Esp because he is without a job and home. He WILL try.

Ultimately, the buck stops with you. And you are coming from a good place: love and care. But if you cave to his manipulations, things will get way worse than you being fearful of him as a person outside of your home and life.

If your daughter decides to let him back into her life, she will have to do it outside of the safety and comfort of your home.

(I did have an experience with someone similar to him,.as.I mentioned before. Trust me when I say no good can come of him entering your lives. He is dangerous and toxic).

We are here. We support you. You are safe for now. As long as YOU set the limits.

[H3rmit]

I am so glad Rose P and others are here to give experienced insight into this. I have no children or experience of such men, and I am just aghast at what you are faced with.

[concerned4stepkids]

Originally Posted by Pfrog

Where does she get off telling you in your home that it's either her or your guy?

Issue her a counter ultimatum ... Either she dumps her boyfriend or out the door she goes!

Shame on her & her toxic tom for bringing all this drama and trauma to your doorstep!

Thank you! Thank you!

Maybe I am not going about it the right way but, I am trying to deprogram her from when she lived with her father. He was quite damaging to her (us all). He, also a control freak, gave her an ultimatum and she ran towards this loser.

His way didn't work, she left and came back several times with him. Each time it was like rewinding and playing back a bad movie. She finally on her own choose to live with me.
My hope is that if I can give her love and respect that she'll see things differently. I did tell her that her words were hurtful and unfair to me. It wasn't me who she was angry or stressed with. She got better after she thought about it.

My hope is that when this guys fails her again, she'll have had enough. I think she feels like she has to try so she can say she did everything she could.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by concerned4stepkids

The conversation ended with her telling him that if he loved her to respect her wishes and not come. That she didn't want him here.

He said, tell me you love me or call and I wont come. (she ignored)
Then he said I love you and will call you in the morning after I leave.

Not sure what to do. I want to call police and warn them of his arrival. But she tells me she isn't ready for a restraining order just yet.
.

It never ceases to amaze me, the amount of BS that spills forward where manipulation is concerned. Basically, Oh, I'll respect your wishes, BUT ONLY if you give me what I want. IN this case, to hear her say she loves, loves, loves him.

What makes men, like this cling too tightly? These are the ones, imo, that are the scariest to deal with. Obsession, is no joke! Restraining orders, in my state, for the anti-harassment clause, involve 3 separate instances. Text messages that are saved and time stamped, work well. Key is, making sure the person is served, especially when they start playing the lack of a stable legal address game.

Clearly, she left him, to get away from him. Sure, she's having a baby, she's not the first single mom, on this planet, I have three. Why is she scared of the restraining order? What about him, tugs at her sympathy card? Is it, the baby? My guilt, was/has been, in trying to show others/please others that I am not that type of mom that denies a father seeing his children. *gasp*. The 'horrors'. When was the last time, my exes visitations have run exactly on schedule to what the divorce contract schedule states? It hasn't! Not through my stopping it, I'll say that!

Know what comes next? If it is just about the kids, with an obsessive type? When she goes to move onto a love interest, the fall out! That's why I went back to court this week, for a restraining order, extension hearing! Which, was granted. That's why, my exh, is facing a criminal trial. When obsessed, they just 'snap'! Dangerous situation, to me in, imo.

Wish your daughter, would just realize, that it's not love, it's addiction!



And gf/gf, woman to woman...really?! the sex can't be 'that great', to stay with the emotional roller coaster! kwim??

Glad, he didn't show!! (another prime example, of actions speak louder than words!)

[happiedasiy]

Dear Concerned4stepkids,
I don't know where you live so I don't know the laws in your area.
I agree you should take your stepdaughter to the police station and explain the situation.
Your house is your home and its your rules, she has an opportunity to turn her life around, or
she can/may choose him and have a very hard life.

I empathize with you, my daughter had the opportunity to live with me for free. Her education would be paid for as long as she had no babies
and no babies before marriage. That she did not overuse credit. When she graduated I would sell my home and give her 20 percent for her first home.

She agreed and then fell in LOVE, and 3 months later she
dropped out of school, left her job, and moved into bf parents house and then she wanted to get married!
No job, only 2 years of university, and her car died. He left njit university after 2 years, lives with parents, I said NO. Not now.
Because she wanted a baby, this was the reason behind the marriage thing. Her Step Dad and I live apart but we stood our ground.
As much as it hurt and it hurt a lot, we would not stand by her as she was destroying her potential.
We did not go to her wedding.
We did not talk for over a year. Today she and I are working on our relationship. Now if she wants to go back to school she has to pay for it.
She wants a baby, well they can't afford one! I told my daughter that she should not have a baby while living in another's house.
Adult children, they want....

It is good that you are close with her and your relationship good.
I know this will be a difficult for your daughter but she has to think like a mother, protect her child, and for her to understand this won't hurt forever.
Stand tall and an order of protection is the best thing for now. Stand your ground. I pray for you and your daughter.
Sincerely,
Happiedasiy

[concerned4stepkids]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

It never ceases to amaze me, the amount of BS that spills forward where manipulation is concerned. Basically, Oh, I'll respect your wishes, BUT ONLY if you give me what I want. IN this case, to hear her say she loves, loves, loves him.

What makes men, like this cling too tightly? These are the ones, imo, that are the scariest to deal with. Obsession, is no joke! Restraining orders, in my state, for the anti-harassment clause, involve 3 separate instances. Text messages that are saved and time stamped, work well. Key is, making sure the person is served, especially when they start playing the lack of a stable legal address game.

Clearly, she left him, to get away from him. Sure, she's having a baby, she's not the first single mom, on this planet, I have three. Why is she scared of the restraining order? What about him, tugs at her sympathy card? Is it, the baby? My guilt, was/has been, in trying to show others/please others that I am not that type of mom that denies a father seeing his children. *gasp*. The 'horrors'. When was the last time, my exes visitations have run exactly on schedule to what the divorce contract schedule states? It hasn't! Not through my stopping it, I'll say that!

Know what comes next? If it is just about the kids, with an obsessive type? When she goes to move onto a love interest, the fall out! That's why I went back to court this week, for a restraining order, extension hearing! Which, was granted. That's why, my exh, is facing a criminal trial. When obsessed, they just 'snap'! Dangerous situation, to me in, imo.

Wish your daughter, would just realize, that it's not love, it's addiction!



And gf/gf, woman to woman...really?! the sex can't be 'that great', to stay with the emotional roller coaster! kwim??

Glad, he didn't show!! (another prime example, of actions speak louder than words!)

That is the word I have been searching for "Obsession". You so right on it all. He is obsessive because he feels out of control when she refuses his ways.

When she moved here, he wasn't even aware of it for a couple of weeks. At that time I suppose he felt secure he could manipulate her back into his life as he has done so many times before. After he realized she was here he started contacting her, asking when she was returning. She told him she never was. (I wish she would have broke all ties when she came here.) What pushed her over the edge for her to come here was: 1. Other baby's mama (statutory rape) was still sexually part of his life. 2. She has to beg him to take her to health department for a preg test. 3. He had choked and pushed her after she was prego. (not the only time) 4. She moved back in with dad, but he has many of his own issues, including psychological, verbal abuse and was leaving her in a house with zero food. And didn't take her to a doctor.

This guy feels empowered to do what he does because law enforcement in this tiny town let him get away with everything. Including the statutory rape. (In that state 16 is consent as long as there is no more that 3 years difference. She was 14 when she gave birth, he was 20). Twice my daughter had physical signs of abuse and went to ER in another county. Basically, they call in law enforcement from the tiny town and they took a report and supposedly talked to him and then nothing. In one instance they threatened to arrest her because she threw the contents of a cup of punch at time to keep him away.

She is fearful of him, yet loves him.

She really knows no one here. And I think she feels lonely. Her sis went back to college. She has been looking for employment since she got here. It's hard to get a job when you are showing. She needs friends.

Law enforcement wont put up with his antics here.

[omarpac]

thats a really dangerous guy