[Big Mama]

Well It's me again. Still having hubby issues. I have a question and need input.

My H has suggested we turn the computer off, the kids kindles off, the I pods off and anything that relates to the internet off for a month. After 30 days it is all free game again. I have a problem with this. The computer is my only outlet to the real world. I need Psych Central. I need a different forum that I use for survivors of rape. I need communication with others via e mail. He can't take that away. He just can't. It makes me feel very juvenile that I even hear myself say "No he can't". We have discussed this an it the discussion got heated very quickly. He wants it off, I do not. I told him I would compromise. How about I turn it off at 5:00 every day and don't get on the computer at night after he has gone to bed. I don't use the computer while he is outside doing stuff for work the next day. I would not like to compromise even that much. But I am willing to suck it up and do that if it would make H feel better about things.

H wants it completely off for a month. He is not here during the day time hours. So if I am on the computer here and there what difference does it make to him. He isn't even here. His way of handling a no I don't think so answer out of me was to make fun of me and pull a "what you not strong enough to go with out the computer for a month."

For anyone who doesn't know what is going on, my H and I have been struggling a lot. He has control issues he has been working on relinquishing.
He absolutely hates the computer. He hates that I talk to people on it. He hates that I do not talk to him instead. I would but I don't think he would like to or would be able to relate to rape or mental illness. He is jealous of the computer. I already try very hard to not be on it when he is here. I can understand how it makes him feel when i am on the computer and he wants to talk to me and can't because I am on here. But at night after he goes to sleep what harm is it, afternoons when he works late and is nt here what harm is it, and during the day especially , when he is not here it is of n harm. It is not like I am looking at porn or mingling with the opposite sex on the computer. I have never done anything to lead him to believe I am not trust worthy.

At this point in my mental health and my working on stuff in T, I just don't think I can forgo using the computer. Safe outlets is something I need badly.
Am I being unreasonable here.

ANY SUGGESTIONS ANYONE< ANYTHING WOULD BE APPRECIATED.
Am I so totally wrong, is my compromise unfair, opinions please.

[LostNAngry]

That is VERY unfair of his to even ask that of you knowing that you get support on the internet. Yes it may be from strangers but sometimes strangers can give you better advise than your own family. I think what your H is trying to do is unrealistic and I would put my foot down. I think you are doing the right thing by offering to compromise with him because a marriage takes two and you have to consider the others feelings BUT for a month- just stupid and silly.

[wisedude]

Umm it is a decision for both of you, he has no right to impose such a thing on you if you do not agree. Tell him that you are willing to compromise to some extend about your computer usage, but you are unwilling to have it entirely off for a month because you need it for support. Tell that is that, and you are not going to accept having it off for a month.

[Big Mama]

Thank you both. I appreciate your opinions in this matter. That is kinda what I was thinking but I have been known to think with my PTSD and not with my brain.

I am kinda in a fragile spot mentally and to take my computer away now is just not wise. I am growing an am less dependent on the computer then I used to be. But I am still very much in need of support. I am trying to stand my ground and even make compromises that I am not to pleased with, but am willing to try. Thank yall so much for your opinions.

[winter4me]

Maybe you could do it for one weekend a month, or one day every other week (a day he is there)---and, for that day you two have something fun/non-tech planned to do together.
It could have benefits, but this can't be imposed on someone and is not healthy if it is done out of jealousy/wanting control.

[~Christina]

He seems unreasonable.. Your trying to compromise is the adult way to handle things like this. The other point that you can use is now a days its damn near impossible to be a kid in school and not have internet access to complete reports and such.

I would just compromise by saying I will spend less time online when you are home .. period .

Good luck

[H3rmit]

There is no good reason for you to turn off or limit your use. It's for support. You said yourself you need it and cutting off would not be wise.

How selfish and uncaring of him, how mean, unaware, and stupid. And many more unflattering adjectives. Just totally shaking my head here. ARGH!!!@

He is the unreasonable one here, not you.

[Big Mama]

Christina and Winter, A compromise of I will not use it when u are home is the best I could come up with. I understand that much like fasting, to do without something for a week could be beneficial. I agree Christina in this day and time it is near impossible. We have 3 kids and are involved in enough things that the internet has kinda replaced regular mail. Winter I agree completely if we had something to do together that would be great, or if we did it for one weekend a month that would be acceptable. But to trun it off for a month is just to much.

[Big Mama]

Hermit, my sentiments exactly. I think his request is unreasonable. the computer is something he doesn't like and he wants to impose his control and set these limits for this family.

I so grately fear it is gonna come down to "Do it or I will no longer pay the internet bill" or if I fight him on this he is gonna say "You feel so strongly about the computer, you choose me or the computer." He is just so jealous and wants ultimate control.

I am in a place mentaly he doesn't understand. I I am holding on by threads. I have been working on overcoming rape, spousal abuse, and now unresolved child sexual abuse. It has been a long painful year and a half, and I am starting to figure out what it is that that helps me get up and keep my head up through put the day. It is the continued support from my friends here at PC.

I went from being a hermit (no pun intended HERMIT ) to being a hermit with friends from the saftey of my home. and now that I have made that change for the better I am not willing to go back.

I just don;t know how this will play out, and if my compromise is not enough and things come down to leaving what will I do.

[Webgoji]

A month is a bit much in my opinion. We shut off the TV, computers, game consoles, etc for a week a little while back. It was no big deal for me at first because I was going to use it to read 1984 again and do some writing. As it worked out though, it kinda turned into a punishment for me because nobody else knew how to entertain themselves (my sons and my wife ... whose idea it was to turn off the 'letronics). Ergo, I ended up not getting 1984 read and did zero writing because I was the source of entertainment.

Long story short. I would suggest a much shorter time and actually have a real game plan going in. Just bailing in will turn into a punishment for someone and serve no real use.

[Big Mama]

Hermit, my sentiments exactly. I think his request is unreasonable. the computer is something he doesn't like and he wants to impose his control and set these limits for this family.

I so greatly fear it is gonna come down to "Do it or I will no longer pay the internet bill" or if I fight him on this he is gonna say "You feel so strongly about the computer, you choose me or the computer." He is just so jealous and wants ultimate control.

I am in a place mentally he doesn't understand. I am holding on by threads. I have been working on overcoming rape, spousal abuse, and now unresolved child sexual abuse. It has been a long painful year and a half, and I am starting to figure out what it is that that helps me get up and keep my head up through put the day. It is the continued support from my friends here at PC.

I went from being a hermit (no pun intended HERMIT ) to being a hermit with friends from the safety of my home. and now that I have made that change for the better I am not willing to go back.

I just don't know how this will play out, and if my compromise is not enough and things come down to leaving what will I do.

[Big Mama]

A week, would be hard, but doable in the name of "wifey can compromise and is not a looser" as he like to portray. I think it has more to do with control. Now he has the upper hand, he knows this is an area that bothers me. So i am screwed. That is why I don't let hubby into my little world. Every thing you say and do can and will be used against you.

[BonnieG2010]

Seems like your husband is trying to take you off the thing that he thinks you like / need more than him.
Ask something back that would be as heavy for him to bear and maybe more. What can it be?
You say yes to this deal only if he says yes to what you propose.
What can it be? that you don't say a word to him in all that month?

Please don't think that this is vengeance. It is a fair game, in my opinion. It is not fair that anyone ask you something that you don't want to do and you don't ask anything of him. Please, ask him a sacrifice that would cost him double.

[IndieVisible]

A month is unreasonable. Find some thing he loves and have him stop that for a month. Even if it's nothing but sitting in his favorite chair. In that case he can't in his favorite chair for a month. What ever it is he must have some thing he enjoys to do, cut that off for a month! See if he see's how unreasonable a month is then.

[healingme4me]

Is he looking to replace the month long tech-free home, with more quality time spent with you and the kiddos? Is he planning, family game nights, and trips to museums or zoos or whatever your family enjoys?

To him, this doesn't sound like it will affect him, one way or the other, but for you and the kids, it certainly will have a large impact. And as you and the children, build resentment, what precisely does he do, when he gets home at night, from work? What's is really bringing this on? Why is he concerned that he's being ignored? (I say that, because of the comment, you would rather talk to people online than to me...um, what is it, that he would like to talk about? What is the end goal here?)

[Big Mama]

Bonnie and Indie, In a perfect world that is exactly what I should do. But we are not in a perfect world. He loves nothing but work. He has no hobbies, he has no life outside of work. I wish there were something he cherrished. But there just isn't.

HEALING, your questions next. You make some good points and ask some good questions.

Does he want to spend quality time doing something.... No. Is he planning something special in place of electronics.....No. What does he do after he gets home from work? He unloads the truck, goes to church and leaves me here with a kid who needs sleep in order to get up in time for school, He goes to sleep fairly early and I am a night owl.

What brought this on? His dislike of the computer and multiple conversations in t about him not giving me the freedom to use the computer. Now instead of saying something to me about it, he stands and looks over my shoulder and reads what I am writing or watches what I am doing. HE has told me why don't you talk to me about the same things u talk to people on the computer about. So I have told him, u wanna hear more about the repercussions of rape, lets talk about the weather, or how about we talk about home schooling the kids. He doesn't want to talk about that kinda stuff.

We have issues relating to each other because of his past abusive ways, and my already squid since of saftey and relating due to rape and CSA. I don't want to talk. He doesn't talk and carry on conversation, he plays fifty questions and I end up triggered and feel like I am falling apart.

I did offer to turn the computer off when he gets home reguardlesss of what he does with his evenings. From 5:00 pm until what ever time I get up in the morning or the kids get up. But that was not compliant enough. He wanted NO COMPUTER AT ALL for a month, even in the day time when he is not here.

Why is he concerned he is being ignored? Because I have found an outlet outside of him. And he wants my happiness to come from him I suppose. He is jealous, and has trust issues, though I didn't do anything wrong. He feels threatened by the fact that I have relationships outside of thee 4 walls. I try very hard to not have conversations with males, I can kinda understand where that would be a betrayal, but with females, come on.

What is the end goal? It is to make me and the kids less reliant on technology. My/our kids already have the bare minimum of electronic devices. We have a 13 yr old and a 15 yr old and a 6 yr old. The 13 yr old has an I pod, and can text from it. Some kind of free app lets him do this. He has a kindle which he never uses. The 15 yr old is like me. He is kinda a hermit. He is home schooled and gets his social interaction from the computer and forums using the kindle. He uses a gaming forum in particular. He uses it for 30 min in the morning, and 30 minutes mid day. Then in the afternoons after dark, just how ever much. He has a cell phone but no friends, so he never uses it. He used the computer to write stories and draw stuff.

We have over the air TV, not cable or satellite, so it is incredibly boring. H will not play cards with us, he will not play monopoly, he will not watch TV w/ us when we do, because it is not the kind of show he likes.

I think it is mostly a control issue. He is losing control over me, as I realize how controlling and abusive he is/was. He is doing all he can to control something, anything.

[healingme4me]

Sorry, you are stuck in a position, of financial reliance, on a man, that can clearly pull the plug on your internet service, at any point. Perhaps, he'd care to share with you, the discussions going on in his church meetings, since, you've been so kind to allow him to look over your shoulder and read what you write and read.

I can appreciate, that there's an overabundance, of technology, these days, and many are prone to excessive use. It is, one month, and not a lifetime, after all.

It does seem like a power struggle of sorts. And if he's not a great communicator, with you, perhaps, it's been discussed in his own circles?? As a family value, of sorts, disconnecting, has a chance to bring harmony to the home?? (don't know, just trying to not view him, as villainous, for a moment, in time).

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

I so greatly fear it is gonna come down to "Do it or I will no longer pay the internet bill" or if I fight him on this he is gonna say "You feel so strongly about the computer, you choose me or the computer."

Or to rephrase, choose him or your healing. I see you are afraid of his game-playing and potential threats. You've explained here why you talk here instead of with him - he cross-examines you and triggers you. Intimacy and trust are a two-way street, but he's saying "my way or no way." He abused you - the way he's treating you now is part of that continuum. It's not respectful. What happens when you express your anger to him? Because you are clearly expressing it here to us. It's a hard thing to resolve, scary, and this is why so many people come here to talk about such things instead of going to their partners.

[Big Mama]

Hermit, you are so correct. I was able to talk to T today. Bless her soul for putting up with my petty stuff. And more or less she said it is not aboutthe computer, it is about the control and the compromise. And he wants full total control. the computer represents a way for him to exert his power, for me it is not about the computer it is about allowing someone to continue to dictate to me what I can and cannot do. I am a 39 year old woman for crying out loud. Not a 5 year old where daddy says "NO you can't play with the computer because I said so."

I asked the T am I being redicilious when it comes to standing my ground on this and she said NO. You gotta stand up for your self sometime and this time is just as good as any. It will never be easy in the beginning. So by all means do. And if the relationship comes to an end she will be here to help me. So I feel some better about things. I still hope he never brings it up again.

[H3rmit]

>I still hope he never brings it up again.

Can you tell him not to? I would, in no uncertain terms.

Edit: I wrote the above a little w hile ago, but now I feel like it was a bit pushy to say that.
It sounds like you're dealing with it and you want to be more assertive and stand your ground. And I hope things improve for you and you keep getting what you need in your support sites.

[BonnieG2010]

I agree with your T. I was also thinking about couple counseling to see if the both of you, as a couple, can step forward.
I understand that these are husband's issues, not yours, but since you are married and have children maybe it is worth a try?

The second reason why you should say no to your husband's request, is that if you say yes now, next request would be no computer for a year and the third get rid of the computer.

He needs to make a decision where his trust is, because if you turn off the computer you could have plenty of relationships with neighbors and other people and still he won't be a part of it.
What then? shall he close you up in the morning, going out and open up again when he comes back?

If he is insecure and has his frailties he must take care of them.
You would never be secluded enough to reassure an insecure man.

[Big Mama]

HERMIT, What u wrote was absolutely NOT pushy, it was honest. And that is what I like about you. I hope he never brings it up again. I most likely will not tell him not to bring it up again. That would make me no better then him. I'm not better then him, but I don't want to place the same demands on him that he places on me. I know how bad that feels. I do not ever want to be like him in that regard. I have been forbidden to mention things to others before by him and it stinks and is a dirty game to play.

In a perfect world though what a nice option that would be.

[Big Mama]

OH bonnie, if u only knew this man.

We are in marriage T, and this is a minor thing compared to the things he used to do. HE was very controlling and emotionally and mentally abusive for 18 years.

He would like to go to work daily and leave me here to be alone and deal with life within these four walls. I once told him "Thank u for providing me with such a nice prison." That is what it feels like sometimes.

He says he wants for me to mingle and get out and talk to real live people. The thing is we live 20 miles from the nearest town. I am given $75.00 a month for gas by him. That kinda ensures I stay real close to home and leave the house no more then necessary. So I couldn't afford to drive to someones house for a visit, or to town to shop and do girl things. I have no job, so I have no money. He will not give me money to buy a cup of coffee if I could go somewhere, much less a meal. So forming a outside relationship w/ another female is kinda useless. I do have a very nice neighbor and my cousin doesn't live so far away. But he doesn't like either of them. And it is easier just not to go up against him. There are people at church I could do things with but they all work during the day. So the computer is really my only outlet.

We will NOT be turning the computer off. A very ugly session the next time we have T will follow. If I give an inch he will take a foot, no, a mile. The T and I agree, this is not about the computer this is about his ability to dictate to me what to do and my doing it. This will be the first time I have stood up against him if he continues to push this matter. If it comes down to it, it will likely come down to him or the computer. I will choose the computer. Not because it is a computer but because I choose not to be told what to do by him anymore.

That is easy to say, but not so easy to do. The T has told me, I am behind u all the way. When she gets back from vacation. She won't be back until the 29th of this month which leaves me in a slight panic. After talking to her though I feel lost better. I am a 39 year old woman, who has over come rape and abuse, and if things go south I will over come this to. I just might need yalls support

[Turtleboy]

Big hugs (((((mama)))))
Dont let that man control you hun, sounds to me like he doesnt want you getting feedback from others and go straight to him first so he can do some damage control.
Ya better not leave us mama we would miss you like crazy

[BonnieG2010]

and we'll be there. i'll be there

that's a promise