H wants no computer for a month, he's crazy right.

I'm not leavin yall, I might leave him, but not yall. Thanks for your support dudes and dudettes.

I understand, and I agree. I also think it's not a game if done a certain way, and this may not be possible with him right now. Taking a break from computers and technology can be a great thing, and if there is a big upside to it, you would probably be open to it. But when there is no real benefit to anyone, I can see why you are angry and question his motives as controlling. And that's where it stands.

>I have no job, so I have no money.

Have you ever looked at online jobs? There was a good thread on it in the past, and the bulk of the jobs are in the USA, but my husband got a nice little part time job out of it, too. Just an idea. (And, yes, I know it would cause strife with your H, but it is something to think about perhaps, since you are isolated geographically.)

Hello Big Mama.
You need to stand your ground on this "no computer thing". He already has so much control over you, please don't give him anymore.
His jealousy is his problem, not yours. Seems like he wants to keep you away from any outside influences, that may enlighten you.
Does he allow you to see your family and friends, I bet not! You need to break out on your own a bit. Find a job and make your own money, do things that make you happy.
You can't let this man have total control over you and your life.

Jolisse, he does let me see my family, at times it causes arguments though. So I don't go see them just to make things better for us. They only live a few miles away. He doesn't like for me to go on church outings, to church meetings, high school foot ball games, to town, to the convenience store, to the library, or to the play ground.

Friends, what are those, I have none. I have kids and I can't afford before and after school care, I also home school my oldest child. I don't work outside of the home. H has said if I ain't gonna bring in 400 a month enough to help him out, then there is no since in me even leaving the home. So I stay here.

So far he has not said anything else about the computer, I fear it is only a matter of time.

My husband tries to do the same thing to me. I simply don't allow it. Make a compromise of 1 day a week. That is more than fair. Can you teach him how to use it? Mine simply refuses to learn it...boggles my mind!!! Computers are now such a part of everyday life and will continue to be FOREVER now.

I can only hope that you can find a way, to figure out how to gain your independence. It's such a quagmire, and I truly get that. It's tough, when we start seeing the abuses, the power struggles, control, everything for what it is, but to be stuck, in financial dependence on another.

Of course, you cannot afford before and after school care. And frankly, why shouldn't you, at least now, I'd assume, your oldest, can he be left home alone--of age? for that?--for a couple hours, to find something, anything with mothers hours and instead of it being 'our' money, it's your own bank account. As, I am sure you know, and I certainly know, how greatly important adult interaction is for moms who have been home for any length of time with children.

I get that at some point, we've all made choices years ago, it's just so very tough when dealing with an inflexible thinking spouse to say, listen, how I felt x# of years ago, is not where I am right now.

Wait a minute, this is all about his control issues over you, it has NO impact whatsoever on him, no restrictions or effects on him. He is giving up nothing, you and your children are.

How is this a helpful thing ? Just catering to his control issues. And his emotional abuse of you and your children, period.

Do not be an enabler, just say no, don't explain, just say no. That is all abusers can understand, yes, you can do this and abuse me, or no, you may not do this to me and I regain control of my life.

My H has learned to use the computer somewhat. He uses craigs list to dream about trucks. The kids help him look stuff up. I have tried t o let him be part of things here on hte computer. I have showed him stuff on this site, and it doesn't interest him. I have let him watch and encouraged his participation in chat here. Again no interest. He reads over my shoulder, or will jsut set beside of me, and ask what ya doin, and tell me how dumb it is what I am doing.

Anything he doesn't like is obviously dumb.

He joined face book. He asked me "How would I feel if he spent several hours a night looking at face book." I told him to go for it. He asked me what if I talked to old friends about us, I told him great. (maybe it would help to talk to someone, but I didn't tell him that) He wanted face book to spite me, except I don't care. The man needs a life so he will leave mine alone. He asked what if I talk to females on face book. Again woopde do. Males, females, what ever I am not threatened by other women.

I am so glad he joined face book and is doing normal people things. But to turn it off for a month is unreasonable to me. A weekend sure, a week would be difficult but to prove it is possible I could. After I let the whole world know, call me not e mail me.

He just wants the control and the upper hand. If he can;t get it his way, then he will manipulate and try to make me angry, like by using face book. He is learned to become more of the passive aggressive type. The T has said if he goes there, then all bets are off. Leave.

Healing, I have been at home for 16 years now. I am not exactly in high demand in the work field. I also have 3 kids. I would lose my job if one person gets the stomach bug. Mama takes care of 3 sick kids and her sick self and misses a week of work. Employment over.

I do like staying at home. I got to go on a field trip with my little girl this week, she is only 6 yrs old..
I need to be here when my aspurgers son who is 13, gets home form school. It takes a full time parent to make sure he doesn't get into anything. Plus I home school my 15 yr old son. Due to bullying he will not be going back to public school.

I did open a checking account for the first time a little over a year ago, that H detest to. I also got my first credit card which he would love to chop to little bits. The intensive in home T made it so these things were put into place. The current T says do not close that account or cancel that card. Put every ounce of birthday money, and any other gift of money in that account. She has told my H , stop, I will not be closing the account or canceling the credit card.

I do plan on going back to work someday. Most likely in another 5 years though. I need and want to be here for my kids. That doesn't help things now though.

Dakota, yes this is about control. It is because he is jealous of the computer. He is jealous of my animals as well. Anything that takes time away from him. Things have gotten better then they were. I used to not be able to use the phone once he got home. No incoming or out going calls. I was not able to go to the convenience store a mile away, or to the mail box, with out him asking where are you going. So as much as things suck, they are not as bad as they once were. I have learned to say I am going to the store brb, or I just go to the mail box. He did give me a cell phone and he keeps pretty tight tabs on me. Last week he called a 1:03 to see "How was T, what did u discuss." My appointment was over at 1:00. He gave me 3 min to get to the car. I didn't call him back right away, when I did he wanted to know if I was mad at him. I didn't call right away. I don't like to talk and drive at the same time.

To answer your question He wants the computer off for his own selfish desires. He is not here so much of the time but that doesn't matter . The fact that I am talking to people and not him bothers him.

I haven't lost my job, due to stomach bugs, and I have three kids. I, too, have gone on field trips.
I am home before they go to school, and home when they get home.

Sorry, because of bullying, your oldest needed to be pulled from school.

Mother's hours, are only a couple hours a day. But I can appreciate, waiting another 5-6 years.

Hope you are able to tolerate his behaviors, another 5-6 years.

I agree with the posters above. Marriage is a partnership it seems like you said, he's got some control issues. A lot of people have said there is no good reason for this. I'm curious as to why he wants no computer for a month.

You use the computer as a tool for your mental health so that in itself is unreasonable. I am sorry that you and he have a hard time communicating, it goes that way with controlling people, their way or nothing.

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this issue. It's kind of like asking him not to use the car for a month (a tool) and take the bus for a month. See how life can be grocery shopping, going to work, coming home, etc... I'm doing it and believe me, it's not fun or functional in today's society.

The internet is here to stay, it's time for him to face that.

Healing, that is great, I had no idea you had 3 kids. I have 3 and I do kinda wish I could go to work. Everything here is 20 miles away. By the time I commute 20 miles and work 4 and commute 20 more miles home, it is just not worth the money for me to be gone. I have no skills really. I definitely am not good with people. My H is self employed and some times for an entire week he is out of town. Sometimes he comes home on weekends and works out of town for a month. So him being able to keep the kids while I am gone is not really an option. I am not so sure he would even if he could.

Right now I do pet setting for people, and that pays some money but it is not frequent or consistent. It is speratic. I also do some consigning a couple times a year, but the money from that is mostly to take care of my Horse. Since I got him, I have to pay for his needs. Which in all reality he is an easy keeper and it costs more to take care of my cat.

For the time being I guess my main role will be here at home. Even if I did find part time employment, I don't know what I would do during the summer months, and during poor weather. Maybe in the years to come, I can go to work at the school as a teachers aid or helper of some sort.

Nucking, he wants no computer because he is jealous of yall, he hates that I share things with you that I won't share with him. But he doesn't care and uses everything I say against me. I have learned to say very little to him about anything personal. He also prides himself on being "old school" and not needing a computer, an I pod, a e mail or anything. He can pride himself that way if he so chooses but don't choose that for me.

At the moment having the computer for my mental health is imperative. I don't know, but I feel like sometimes as my mental state improves and I evolve towards a more whole and independent person the more he wants to keep me the way I was. I am moving forwards and I am not going back.

Control, control, control. It is not right for anyone to try to control in this way. Stand your ground and simply say that it is unacceptable. To me it sounds nothing more than a punishment and an opportunity to exercise his dominance over the family. Little does he realize that by doing this he will only foster more resentment from the entire family. My H threatened to do the same with my son and that hit where it hurts because as with you this was and is his only outlet. If you take that away - what else do you have. I'm not even sure if compromise is the right action either, because by doing this you are giving him a sense of power and this may fuel future controlling type of behavior. How about you try to remove something he loves or insist he stop doing something he enjoys and see how he likes it?? Always different when the shoe is on the other foot.

I never wanted to work, when I was a girl. I wanted to marry and an husband to take care of me financially and me to take care of him for all the rest.
My mother was pressing me, tho: "you must have a job!! you must have money of your own!!" Of course, she knew life more than I did.

Fate (??) has it, I never married and that I always worked! Oh, of course I worked without really wanting to work, but I did it, and I still do.

Working is not easy, but is life. Work is like what you call 'yall'. It might not be worth the money, but it may be worth the people you meet, the work you do and the sense of being able to do things. All that adds up to a sense of self, a new and more complete sense of self.

A dearest friend of mine went to clean other people's houses, just to have money of her own and to get out of her own house. That's how we met and that's how she brought the sunshine of her lovely self into my house. She passed away some years ago but I'm very happy I had her in my life. She taught me a lot of things.

I understand that with your children and you h's work is impossible to have an office-like job. Invent your own, then! Propose to keep company to elderly when their family have to go to the store. Keep the records for a shop and do it at home. Do 10 different small jobs, who cares.

Take care of your children, of course, but let yourself breathe some new and fresh air, besides the one you only know too well.

I was a working mom, for my first son, then after the second, decided to stay home and almost right away, found myself pregnant with a third. Those times, of being completely financially dependent on my now ex husband were some of the worst years, a real wake up call.
He has control issues. To put things, mildly. He wasn't quite close to removing internet services, but there were threats to remove the computer from the home. If I logged into social media, his family was apt to mention hours logged in. That was before being able to hide whether you were online or not. And sometimes, I'd just log in, but step away from the computer or do something else, in a new window.

Working for me, now, is necessary, as a single mom. With the way my income is, working mother's hours, is a real possibility. My shift from married, to single, wasn't stressful. As, I already used to being the primary caregiver, the one at the pediatric appointments, home on sick days, school meetings(parent teacher conferences, iep meetings), all those things I did alone in marriage, I still do.

I like what Bonnie has to say about improvising work ideas. I'm, personally, far from mon-fri 9-5. If willing to even do elbow grease work, flexibility will be there, as will building up your female support network, and being in a position where if you make a bold decision, such as leaving, you will have something to fall back on, and instead of not being able to decide, due to finances, you can decide what's best for you; whether staying or leaving.

I don't think you will like my answer. I do believe it should be a joint decision, BUT...

I went computer/internet free for over a month this summer to see just how much time I wasted on computer and devices. It was a huge amount. The experiment showed me that I am able to entertain myself without this crutch. I also found myself more drawn to real people, and face to face communication. I felt more creative and less distracted. I also ended up keeping my house cleaner and working out more.

I am not against technology. I just think it's a bit like alcohol, it's good to take a breather now and then to make sure your not addicted.

RR I do agree to a point. That is why I will give it up for a week. AND ONLY A WEEK. We do seem to get attatched to our technological devices. At this point in time I do kinda need the computer for my mental health. I have been therw lots and continue to struggle.

If H had a real reason and a reasonable time frame, and didn't call me a looser for not even being open to the ides. things might be different. He ended up calling me a looser, and telling me I had no drive and I was just giving into defeat before it even started. So no, I have no desire to be flexible. Don't call me names because I don't want to play your games and abide by your rules.

I would try to ask him why he doesn't like the computer. Is there a valid reason for his request. If not then say it is an unreasonable request and another attempt at being in control.

As hard as it is you have to remind him that he isn't your boss. He doesn't have the right to control what you do.

Its easy to forget that with some people. The more your buckle the more they request. You have to set your boundary and stick to it. If he hells tell him to stop and if he doesn't leave. Go for a walk. You don't have to put up with his anger. He needs to learn how to deal with things without shouting and jumping down your throat.

You definitely don't have to agree to this at all. Try to address the problem with why he is wanting you to turn it off. Perhaps he feels like everyone in the family is ignoring each other....

Adam, I am so tired of dealing with him on the issue of the computer. He is jealous of the time I spend on the computer. I can understand to a degree. While he is home, I can get off the computer. but to say I can't use it even when he is not here is controlling. Not during the day time while he is at work, while he is busy outside or placing bids, and not at night after he has gone to sleep. That is a little more control then he has the right to request. And for a month, come on a month. I will agree to a week, 7 days, that's it.

Casurfer I don't plan on agreeing to this. If it were one of those things were we all give up something for a week, or I have an issue like an addiction or something that would be different. I don;t use it to watch porn, I don;t use it to chat with people of the opposite sex, In fact I use it mostly here at this site and another support site for survivors of rape. I do very much need the computer because I am at home all the time, and because I need to reach out side of these walls for friendship. I

Just to come back, for one brief moment, on this. This job, I have. Well, it's the type, that I can apply for a new one, application into office on a Thursday, and by a Tuesday, a request for an interview.

I did, hear, an listen to your concerns about not being able to do anything, right now, or the commute, or what not.

It's just, when dealing with men, who control, control, control, having an outside source, is about the only means of getting out, if getting out is what you so choose.

And when I know, more details, about how long, they are willing to 'wait' for me, I will share.

I will tell you, my current employer, I started, and within one week, had some major sitter issues. Kept in communication, and they held that job for me, for TWO weeks, would have held it longer, so that I could scramble and get a new sitter arranged.

Certain, employers are more than understanding, compassionate, and once that contract is signed, I'm not kidding....she would have waited longer. May not have liked it, but man, what a break...when I needed one...

What happens if you don't give him anything? If you tell him you will spend time with him when he is home but you will do what you like with your free time?

As long as you aren't doing anything to violate his trust. What should it matter if you want to chat with friends, watch tv, exercise or go watch a movie. It is your time to do what you want and everyone has free will to choose how they spend their time.

Unless he has a legitate concern to why it would be bad then I would stand your ground. If you stand up long enough he will respect you eventually. If he doesn't then you have a choice to leave the situation.

The only power he has is what you give up. Being angry and placing demands on you is just manipulation.

It may turn into a heated argument or missing match but you have to put a line in the sand somewhere. You decide what you will put yo with.

My marriage isn't a beacon of positive example but both of us do have a mutual respect. I know if I tried to pull what your husband does Sarah would rebel just to prove a point. If she did it to me I would do what I felt is right for me even if it is against her wishes.

The only way you two are going to be at peace is two get ahold of your emotions and have a reasonable conversation. That is a lot easier said than done but it is what functional relationships have.

You have to balance emotion with rational thinking. If you let emotion drive everything then out comes jeolousy, insecurities and other stuff that should be put in check. If you just let rational think guide your conflict resolution then things will lose the emotional connection and feel more like a business meeting.

If none of that works for you ignore it, but that has been my experience.

Adam, I couldn't agree more.

What happens if you don't give him anything? If you tell him you will spend time with him when he is home but you will do what you like with your free time?

what would happen, well I tried that and he said "No, I said give it up all the time, for 30 days, not 30 evenings, 30 days all the time, don't touch it none" I'm not willing to do that. What if I said I could do with my time what I wanted to, he would tell me where to go and what to do with my free time and It would contain to many curse words to use here and is not nice.

As long as you aren't doing anything to violate his trust. What should it matter if you want to chat with friends, watch tv, exercise or go watch a movie. It is your time to do what you want and everyone has free will to choose how they spend their time.

I agree, that is my thinking to.He doesn't like me watching shows he doesn't like, or watching TV and taking attention from him either. so before it was the computer it was the TV.

Unless he has a legitate concern to why it would be bad then I would stand your ground. If you stand up long enough he will respect you eventually. If he doesn't then you have a choice to leave the situation. The only power he has is what you give up. Being angry and placing demands on you is just manipulation. It may turn into a heated argument or missing match but you have to put a line in the sand somewhere. You decide what you will put yo with.

Exactly, and I am not playing any more. If it comes down to it, the answer is I choose the computer over him. And that is symbolic of I choose not to have him dictate to me forever what freedoms I have. And if it ends this way then so be it.

The only way you two are going to be at peace is two get ahold of your emotions and have a reasonable conversation. That is a lot easier said than done but it is what functional relationships have

It is incredibily hard and this is wht we have been doing in t lately. We have been taking our issues and arguing right there with the T in front of us. She is my protector and she stops the conversation when she can and explains, "What I heard was....., What did u hear?" or "Wait a minute explain that a little more", or "stop, can u see she is crying" It is really weird, but it seems to help. the T is ready for us to separate and this is her last effort to get us threw this mess.

If none of that works for you ignore it, but that has been my experience.

I stood my ground, he called me a quitter and a looser, and was pissed I would not play his game. He walked away angry and that is ok. We all get angry. I hope that was the end of it and it never comes up again. I called T and she agreed that if he continues to bring this up then we need to talk about it in her office. And if things end over this then so be it and I agree.

Adam, thank you so much for your input. It means alot to have a friend give me there opinion as well

I understand why H would not want you to be on the computer instead of being with him, but he shouldn't mind when he isn't there.

Have you invited him to read your posts to understand why you need it?