Loneliness After Breakup

Just wondering what coping tools others have used after the break up of a relationship. Ex and I were together in a committed relationship for 3.5 years and broke up about a month ago. Right after it happened, friends were very supportive and made sure I was busy all the time...now, after about a month, they're back to their normal lives (as well they should be) and I'm trying to feel a bit less lonely but not sure how. We did not live together but saw each other every day and spent each weekend together. I'm 45 so most of my friends are married with children....it's tough to be single again!

Just because your friends are back to their regular lives, it doesn't mean you can't hang out with them. Call them up for lunch or even breakfast. Maybe on your way to work, just after a friend has put her kid on the school bus. Or during your lunch break. I'd say try to see at least one person every week, if for nothing else to make sure you're leaving your home for more than just the necessities.

You could also try signing up for a class or join a group of some kind. Maybe an exercise class at the gym or a cooking class with the local community college. You don't need to go into it with the idea of making friends or replacing your ex. Just go in to be around other people having fun. I think if you focus on the things that make you happy, whatever your hobbies are, you'll feel less alone. Maybe your hobby will get you out the door. Or maybe you'll just get so absorbed in it, you won't be rehashing all the negative, lonely thoughts in your head.

One day at a time. You'll get there. You're very strong and very rational. You'll definitely get through this. It just takes time.

Thank you RomanSunburn. My friends have been really great, and I don't want to "wear out my welcome." But once a week or so sounds pretty reasonable to me...especially if I rotate them around!

I like the idea of signing up for classes or the gym and have been trying to get a bit more involved with a couple of the civic associations in my area (since I'm a new homeowner this year as well and now have more of a vested interest in community stuff).

It's hard to not be able to reach out to my ex when something happens (good or bad) since he was my usual "go to," but he has indicated that he's not ready to be friends and doesn't think talking at this point is a good idea. I've usually been able to maintain a friendship with ex-boyfriends, but he's completely disappeared with absolutely no discussion. (FB message break up with no other contact other than one follow up e-mail.)

Just curious if this is normal with most break ups....I think a little time is pretty reasonable but if the break up was not contentious, I see no reason to cut off all communication. I expect that it just comes down to different personality types, and I have to respect his way of handling things. But, I would have liked at least one personal discussion (even if just on the phone). It's just so awkward to try and explain to mutual friends....they've asked me "why," and all I can do is repeat what he said in his message (no other information).

Maybe developing some additional new friends who don't know him would help....then there would be no questions to answer.

I, too, am finding myself lonely after a break up, even though I have plenty of friends, and belong to many groups, and am extremely busy. It hurts when we lose a love relationship. Finding friends who do not know him sounds like a good idea. Many break ups involve a 'cut off-' where they do not communicate at all. Many don't have cut offs, but some do, unfortuneately. Build yourself up, this time is about you and your self awareness, self confidence, self knowledge. You will make it through, time will heal......

Do you have meetups in your area? It's meetup.com (or meetups.com). Are you in therapy? It might be good to talk about how this relationship did or didn't meet your expectations, and what to look out for next time. Remaining friendly with your ex - I can see how you would want that to happen, but I don't see how that's a reasonable expectation of this person and what he wants from his life. He may be unreasonable by your standards, but he is reasonable by his own standards. I've just recently come to realize how my standards never matched my parents', and neither side was willing to bend. So we were both disappointed.

I would try to do something new, or get started on something you've always wanted to do. Do you have any dreams or aspirations that have fallen by the wayside? Now's a good time to pick those up again. Also I would suggest really trying to work on yourself, maybe try facing some of your fears. And just keep trying new things, if they don't work, don't worry about it, just brush it off and move on to the next thing.

Maybe I'm like your ex in that I'd prefer to have space after a relationship too. I wouldn't be opposed to having a friendship down the line but for the first while I think space is important so that the two of you can move on with your lives. Perhaps he feels the same as me and maybe just didn't explain it to you? I generally think the more time I spend with my ex-partner after a break up the harder it becomes to accept the break up. The point is to give time for you both to move on, become stable on your own first, then think about being friends again. Anyway, I don't know if that's the case but maybe that can help you to understand why he might want his space right now.

Very good point. I don't think he values the people in his romantic relationships once the relationships are over. He probably feels this is awkward and has enough family/friends to keep him occupied. I'm the opposite and still have good friendships with two significant ex-boyfriends and with men with whom I've had more casual dating relationships. So as not to make their significant others feel strange, I usually am friendly with them as well (and sometimes even after the two of them break up). My position is that the caring doesn't go away becasue the nature of the relationship changes. But, I do realize this may not be typical and will have to respect this. Thanks!

Makes sense to me...I wouldn't want to hang out with him at this point either and agree that that would be difficult. I just wanted one conversation about the break up so that we could part with some kind of mutual understanding/respect. The point of that would be to be friends one day...some time down the line. By not speaking at all, it feels as if there was some anger involved but no explanation about the anger. So, it just makes it all the more dramatic and annoying.

It took about two years for one of my exes and me to develop a friendship that was a real friendship on its own...but he's one of my closest friends now after ten years (and I'm friends with at least one of his subsequent ex-girlfriends completely on our own).

But, I get it...stay busy, develop myself outside of the relationship...get strong enough on my own to be strong in another relationship...and, one day maybe we'll be friends. If we're not, then I'll be fine without it.

I'm glad to see you've got a positive outlook!

I'm in a relationship ( marriage ) and feel lonely as helll. I get no affection. I have no friends. No family ( to speak of ). Can't work. Paralyzed by acute depression, chronic pain etc. people tell me to do this and that and they mean well but I feel immobilized by whatever. I just think the will to live is slipping away. Hope you get thru.

I've tried to let some time go by since the break up....to work on myself in therapy and to spend time with friends and family. It's been about two months now and it's better, but I still think about him every day and have a deep pain in my chest. For some reason, I stay hung up on the fact that we broke up via e-mail (actually, Facebook message) and have still not seen each other to talk. I know that this is his way and what he wants, but it just seems so, well, wrong, after 3.5 years together.

He was such an important part of my life and I loved him so much that to end it so coldly just doesn't make emotional sense to me. I'm wondering if this is the reason that I just cannot seem to process things and move on. Other than two phone conversations, we have not really communicated at all. He's just gone. I've respected what he wants...which is not to see each other, but I wonder about respect going the other way. I'm angry that he gets to end things completely on his terms and there was no respect in the other direction, which was my need to look him in the eyes and just ask him why he made the decisions that he did.

A friend advised me strongly against trying to see him. He said that, given how the break up happened, seeing him would not really get me what I want (meaning an answer to the question "why?"). He'd likely just be cold to me in person, and I'd feel even more hurt and upset.

I manage to get myself through each day...I try to stay busy, see friends, go to work, spend time outside with the dog, etc., but the early mornings are an absolute killer...I wake up with a pain in my chest and thoughts that just won't stop. It's usually too dark out to safely get up and go anywhere, so I feel kind of trapped with myself. I just want to move on....to get over this already....I'm sick of feeling sad and lonely but the moving on just doesn't seem to be happening.

I know there is no timeline for a broken heart but is it normal to still be feeling like this after a couple of months with almost no contact?

Sorry to hear! The best way to get over somebody is too find someone else! Best of luck!!

Interesting that you should mention this...Today, I actually re-joined the dating site where I met my ex-boyfriend thinking that it might help me move on. And found that he'd re-joined as well. Funny, he told me the reason he wanted to break up is that he wants to move back home and doesn't want to be in a committed relationship any more since a move for him would be back overseas....yet, his profile includes wanting a long-term relationship....and he used photos that I took of him on his profile. Is it wrong to think this is pretty much an asshole move?

No its not necessarily wrong... Or right, depending on how you look at, it is both of those things, he is just dishonest. I think he was just trying not to hurt your feelings. Your best bet is to try to forget about him. Best of luck to you in your quest for a meaningful relationship. I think your best bet is not to try to end the loneliness, but find somebody who's honest and compatible. If this happened to me, I would call the person every insult in the world, but from an objective point of view, I can see how he was just trying not to be so hurtful, through his dishonesty. Almost in the way some people tell white lies.

Old wives rule of thumb...half the time of relationship, to move past it. Two months, still a mourning process.

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Yes, I think it's perfectly fine to still be feeling this way. It's like he died and you're grieving his death, but in this case, it's the death of your relationship with him and who you thought he was. The winter months and the holidays are definitely not helping. Keep doing what you're doing, don't punish yourself for feeling the way you are, and keep taking care of yourself. Soon enough, spring will be here, and I'm sure you'll start to feel better. In the meantime, treat yourself like your best friend... What would you tell them in this case?

Lordy, I hope it doesn't take me over a year to get beyond this...but, I'm VERY relieved that still being so sad/hurt/angry at this point is not abnormal. It's been a long time since I had a serious relationship end and never had one end this way before. My prior serious relationship ended with a sense of mutual understanding (after a very brief period of sadness/hurt/anger) and has developed into a true friendship of 10+ years.

I totally get that he may have been trying to avoid hurting me by not being completely honest, but it would eventually have become obvious that he wasn't moving back overseas. When I initially questioned the reason he gave for ending the relationship and asked questions about his plans to move, he got angry with me and accused me of challenging his decisions....so I backed off and never really had much closure. He made me feel as if I had no right to know why the relationship ended. Just that he'd made a decision and I had to respect it. End of the story. Now I know what that was all about (much easier to deflect than to be honest for some people). Just seems dumb/incredibly immature to me...I have no respect left and now doubt the entire relationship because of this...makes me feel as if I wasted years of my life and was just a big fool to ever believe/trust him.

A relationship doesn't always have to end badly....What I'd hoped for was to one day be able to look back on things just simply realize we weren't meant to be together. Now I regret ever having met him. Maybe one day I'll feel more generous and just feel sorry for him.

Oh, I hear you....I can give decent advice to friends who've ended relationships, but I'm the idiot who can't do for herself what I'd tell someone else to do. At this point, I'm trying to stay busy (took a women's auto clinic, doing some home repair work myself, etc.) and work on my other relationships (the one's that I may have neglected during the relationship, to be honest). I pretty much say yes to every invitation that a friend sends out and am spending time with people who are good to be around (happy, optimistic and grounded people)...I'm in therapy to figure out how to avoid situations like this in the future and to be better about being happy/content on my own. I really hope to come out of this as a stronger but kinder person. I'm trying to see this as a learning experience but a little positive reinforcement would be good right about now. I had really hoped what he told me was true and that he really just wanted to move back home to be closer to family. I wouldn't have liked it but I would have understood/respected it. To find out two months after the break up that this was likely not true just kind of opens the wound again...It would have even been okay had he told me that he just didn't want to be with me any more...the untruths were just not necessary.

I've been dumped via email, once, during early years of email. Seems to be a 'trend', these days. It's good, you are at the angry at him phase.

If he is conflict avoidant,, then good riddance!!

A year off, isn't a bad approach, then again, depends on what comes your way, once you've released this one from your system.
I, prefer, the wait approach, some prefer jumping back into, the fray. I chose, waiting, after an abusive marriage, because, there was more than the usual healing work and therapy, to be done.



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Wow...sorry about the abuse in your marriage...no matter how crappy I feel, I can honestly say I've never been through something as difficult as that. Puts things in perspective....I'm sorry that you had to go through that!

Im so glad you checked in here. Yeah, definitely pretty low to use pictures you took. I would have a hard time not commenting on them. But it gives you insight into how his mind works, and probably how he was raised - i was raised the same way - "whatever i say makes it the truth". That is really hard to deal with.

Don't minimize, your own hurts and pains from this, by virtue of 'perspective.' The hurt I felt, from the break up of that first mentioned relationship, was significantly more painful, for me. I had hopes and dreams, with that one.

Granted, I had hopes and dreams in marriage, but such a relationship as that, dies a slow and steady death, so that when it's over, it's not that same intense break up feeling. The extra time off, and the therapy, was more about the warnings given to those who have been victimized, to not rush into anything else, too quickly until you recognize all the things, that led up to such a relationship, because you could end up with someone much, much worse than that one.

So, in retrospect, the man I once, thought I was going to marry, was a more painful experience, well, relatively speaking.