[SpazKatt]

I would like to talk to someone about this, but I don't want to upset anyone. My boyfriend and I are having a difficulties agreeing on the amount of sex we should be having. He wants it every day... I don't, and if I say I'm not in the mood he gets VERY upset and will not talk to me or look at me for an hour. This is our only big problem, Please help!

[nothemama8]

how old is he hun, if it gets to be too much tell him, "he'll wear it out" lol
he should respect you and listen

[radio_flyer]

Oh this can be a problem. My x husband was a "walking erection" . He could not get enough sex. Every day sometimes twice a day...I can say I did have a "beautiful complection" then, as they say sex is good for the skin and heart and lots of other stuff. At first it was coooool.. But after awhile it got to the point I could not stand him to touch me.

I guess my best suggestion would be to have a heart to heart talk with him.. Maybe explain to him that there are times you just do not want sex and that does not mean that you do not still care or love him.. I think if he understands that you are not rejecting him, that you just are not in the mood, he may understand better.

On a lighter note, maybe start cooking more food for him.. I have learned over the years that "food" side tracks mens. Thinks (smile) they can only have one thing on their mind at a time. And when they smell food, they pretty much forget everything else.. including sex.. Oh and usually after chowen down food they fall asleep..

[Sarah116]

First of all you should not be having it until you are MARRIED and READY TO have kids and want them. If you can answer no to any of these questions then do not have Sexual interaction.......
Can I support and love a child for around the next 18 years and send them to college.
Do I want a child and does my husband?
Am I married and have a job?

He sounds like he is addicted. Stay away from him, from what you said it sounds like you could very easily and badly get hurt!
Good luck!

[Rhapsody]

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Sarah116 said:
He sounds like he is addicted.
Stay away from him, from what you said it sounds like you could very easily and badly get hurt!
Good luck!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

IMO (40 yrs exp) - I would not necessarily say that he is addicted just because he wants SEX every day, for this is very a normal behavior for most males - you will find that some males can even carry this desire long into their golden years.

What I would suggest is that you two talk about his desire verses your desire (or lack of it) and see if you two might come to a compromise...... and please know that most males do indeed want / crave SEX way more than most females do - but also know that later in life this great wonder will change and it will be the female wanting SEX more than the male.... how will you feel then?

BTW - Males often express their love for another through - a sexual relationship & through providing financially for the ones they love.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[nothemama8]

we are here to support NOT judge, this is not the middle ages, as long as safe sex is practised (sp)
Rhapsody you response was good, my reply is not in answer to your reply
Angie

[SpazKatt]

My boyfriend is 22 and I am 23, I am on the pill and we use condoms EVERY time. It gets to the point where I don't want to say no because he get so upset, then I'm not happy... basically no matter what I end up feeling bad! He says it's because it's the only way he can truly express his love for me. I just want to be able to not have sex for a couple of days and not have him complain about us "never having sex" or how I "never want to do it".

Sounds like...

If he wants something and you don't then he has learned that if he sulks or complains enough then you will give in and he will get what he wants.

Relationships are supposed to be two way streets. Sex is a very intimate thing... But there are other things that can become issues too... If he always wanted to choose the TV channel then that could become a problem too.

> He says it's because it's the only way he can truly express his love for me.

So it is about him. Because it doesn't sound like you feel loved when he withdraws his affection when you don't give him what he wants.

I'm sorry SpazKatt... But 'no' means no. Doesn't matter if you have said 'yes' before, doesn't matter if you have been married for 50 years if you don't want to have sex then 'no means no.

And if he can't respect that then... He isn't respecting you.

Sounds like this is the first major test of your relationship. What I would do... Just what I would do... I would say that just because you don't want to sleep with him at that moment (or that day or that week) it doesn't mean that you don't care about him.

If he really cares about you then he needs to understand that him getting to 'express his love' is one thing and his doing stuff that results in your feeling loved can be quite another. Maybe you could tell him some of the things that make you feel loved?

He could pick you some flowers or make you breakfast in bed or tell you how much he loves you.

Sometimes guys don't know about those kinds of things... And sometimes guys don't know that there are other things that can make people feel loved...

I would ignore him when he sulks. Leave if that is an option. Say 'I said 'no'. It doesn't mean that I don't love you 'cause I do. I need you to respect my decision though'. And if he keeps on leave. He will whine for longer... Sulk for longer... If he learns that he can outsulk your refusal. Like toddlers packing a tantrum you need to train him...

And if he doesn't get it... I'm sorry sweetie but you deserve someone who knows how to respect you.

[JonB]

Maybe you could try giving him extra attention in other areas, such as sharing an interest of his or talking about or participating in something he likes to. If he feels like he's getting your attention outside of bed, perhaps he won't ask for sex so often. But maybe you're already doing that and he still wants it all the time. Maybe it's a power struggle thing with him as others have suggested. Give him the illusion of power in other areas and maybe he'll back off.

Can you help him "satisfy" his urges in a creative way that doesn't involve as much physical involvement on your part? Or, tell him you don't feel like it at the moment and give a description of what he can look forward to when you do feel like it. Maybe you can convince him of the pleasures of quality over quantity. And be sure he knows what puts you in the mood so he can make an effort rather than springing it on you, so to speak, when he suddenly feels like it.

I think differing sex drives is right up there with money when it comes to tough relationship issues. Good luck...

[allthegirls6]

Spaz,

I think you are being totally reasonable. It seems very unfair for your boyfriend to tereat you badly if you dont agree. You need to tell him its just not on.

[Perna]

Everyone has a different sex drive and needs. Each partner should have respect for the other's interests. I think your boyfriend is not thinking of the relationship as much as he's thinking about his own pleasure? Pouting isn't a very mature way to deal with it either. I'd try to work on the relationship as a whole and then, when that is on track, work on indivdual "parts". Maybe couple's therapy would help?

[Rhapsody]

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Perna said:
Everyone has a different sex drive and needs. Each partner should have respect for the other's interests. I think your boyfriend is not thinking of the relationship as much as he's thinking about his own pleasure? Pouting isn't a very mature way to deal with it either. I'd try to work on the relationship as a whole and then, when that is on track, work on individual "parts". Maybe couple's therapy would help?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">


IMO - (20 yrs married) - I do not think that he is necessarily getting upset because he cannot get his sexual pleasure without her involvement, but rather that he is HURT when she says NO....... for saying NO to any ones partner when they are wanting to be sexual (male or female) is like saying NO to them the PERSON (feelings, needs & all), and we all know all to well that NO can HURT and hurt DEEP.

BTW - I personally in 23 years of a relationship and 20 years of marriage with the same man.... I have only said NO to his sexual advances 3 times (not counting being sick or after having a baby), for I understand the emotional need behind a man his woman and their bonding through making love.
Remember that SEX equals LoVe to a MAN connected emotionally to a WOMAN!!! - to a MAN in LOVE.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Hmm. What an interesting discussion :-)

Regarding sex drive what I wonder is... What did they do *before* the relationship when they got that urge? Masterbated most probably or learned to think of other things... Why can't they do that once they are *in* a relationship? Sex isn't supposed to be about having a masterbation aid to the best of my knowledge (unless both decide that would be nice)... I thought the notion was that it is an activity to be performed between two *consentual* partners and I'll admit that I really do have significant issues with people who think it is perfectly okay for them to have sex with (or perhaps I should say *at*) someone when they know full well that the person isn't willing.

What is the sex like when you are in the mood?

Is your partner considerate about your having a nice time or does your partner think sex is all about the guy thrusting until he comes (sorry if that is a bit graphic for people) but I'm serious here... Maybe the problem is a bit greater than just frequency. I mean... I masterbate daily fairly much but in a relationship... Sex takes a lot of time and effort... Unless your idea of sex is the graphic part I already said... Maybe it is about fostering quality rather than quantity... When he wants quantity then he can take things into his own hands...

> ...rather that he is HURT when she says NO....... for saying NO to any ones partner when they are wanting to be sexual (male or female) is like saying NO to them the PERSON (feelings, needs & all), and we all know all to well that NO can HURT and hurt DEEP.

Yes... But does that mean that one should never say 'no' to ones partner? Does it hurt you that he is happy to have sex with you when he knows (surely he must be able to tell) that you really aren't in the mood? That would hurt me... Weighing hurts can be hard... I think relationships are about comprimise... There are sexual activities that can be done without penetration too... There are alternatives... And there are alternatives to feeling close and connected such as... Massage...

[alittlehoshime]

Hi there Spaz

how r u? hope that things getting better. would like to ask you a few questions . How long do you know him? do u know his' friends whom can help you to understand about ur bf and do you have friends whom can help you? ...... I had a bad experience before been in relationship I knew him thru my best-fren whom study in the same college with him. Though I dont know him that well but he can makes me laugh and give me advices. But unfortunetly I've being used he's using psychology to play with my feelings-emotions that i have for him despite my best-friend told me alots of things about him what he talks behind my back while he's not with me. but i dont want to break-up with him eventhough am not really secure with him he kept asking me for that *** but i dont give him though we did do things but not *** becoz I dont believe *** before marriage and i fear of ***. ( been abused before and hated guys but now not ).If am not mistaken...... he once told me that if without that no point of relationship. We've been having a lots of breakups and getting back together and eventually he left me becoz i didnt give him that. he love *** but not me this is not what i assume but he have a lots of gf before me. im sure he did the same thing with others girls just like how he treated me. I've make a mistakes before. and now am wiser and stronger. There's a lots of guys out there my fren whom is more better than him. if he dont respect you and ur needs plz make a wise decision. Surely there's a lots of things u can do with him than just ***

take care
with love
carol

[Perna]

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Rhapsody said:
IMO - (20 yrs married) - I do not think that he is necessarily getting upset because he cannot get his sexual pleasure without her involvement, but rather that he is HURT when she says NO....... for saying NO to any ones partner when they are wanting to be sexual (male or female) is like saying NO to them the PERSON (feelings, needs & all), and we all know all to well that NO can HURT and hurt DEEP.

BTW - I personally in 23 years of a relationship and 20 years of marriage with the same man.... I have only said NO to his sexual advances 3 times (not counting being sick or after having a baby), for I understand the emotional need behind a man his woman and their bonding through making love.
Remember that SEX equals LoVe to a MAN connected emotionally to a WOMAN!!! - to a MAN in LOVE.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Hey, Rhapsody, we'll have to agree to disagree on this one I have similar "numbers" to yours, married 17 years and with him 23. A man is not his penis! "Love" is not primarily sex; that's the attractor/pot sweetener, not the glue. Have you seen the 1968 movie, "Yours, Mine, and Ours" with Henry Fonda and Lucille Ball? That's Love (and very similar to my family growing up :-)

**Remember that SEX equals LoVe to a MAN connected emotionally to a WOMAN!!! - to a MAN in LOVE.**

i bet i can line up more men who disagree with the above than agree. SEX doesn't equal LoVe to most thoughtful and considerate men. the connection that loving sex makes is far more meaningful than never saying no...thats a lot of "flopping" just to keep HIM happy.

sounds like a bad NBA game to me.

[Rhapsody]

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Perna said:
Hey, Rhapsody, we'll have to agree to disagree on this one I have similar "numbers" to yours, married 17 years and with him 23. A man is not his penis! "Love" is not primarily sex; that's the attractor/pot sweetener, not the glue. Have you seen the 1968 movie, "Yours, Mine, and Ours" with Henry Fonda and Lucille Ball? That's Love (and very similar to my family growing up :-)

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

YES I agree LoVe is not SEX, but SEX is used to express LoVe for many MEN!! (and) YES, while a man is not his penis - he was given that part of his body for he is sexually driven.... created to be this way, hence the penis attachment.

But in all fairness the original poster was not talking about love in her post, nor was I replying to the topic of LoVe, but rather that of his strong sex drive verses her lower sex drive / desire...... which by the way is normal in most relationships, just ask any marriage counselor.

And while YES, every one has the right to say NO in a relationship..... I think that if we really understood how the other was created as male or female (from their side of the fence, not ours) then would be more than glad to take care of the other persons emotional needs - that of which SEX is one of then to the average male.

Please keep in mind that this is just my POV on the subject of men and their strong sex drive..... those that believe in the same can use it to improve their relationship and those that think it is crap, can leave it be.
... Its All Good -


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[Rhapsody]

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fayerody said:
**Remember that SEX equals LoVe to a MAN connected emotionally to a WOMAN!!! - to a MAN in LOVE.**

i bet i can line up more men who disagree with the above than agree. SEX doesn't equal LoVe to most thoughtful and considerate men. the connection that loving sex makes is far more meaningful than never saying no...thats a lot of "flopping" just to keep HIM happy.

sounds like a bad NBA game to me.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

WHAT CAN I SAY, BUT........ that my quote was given to a MAN in LOVE and not that of a MAN in LUST.

AND - what is wrong with keeping him happy with SEX, he keeps me happy with going shopping with me, watching chick flicks with me, visiting my parents, washing the laundry on the weekends, washing and detailing my car for me, killing big spiders that scare me, and lets not forget the best one of all..... having SEX with ME when I am needing / wanting but he is tired from work.

.................. Just my POV on SEX and MARRIAGE.... its 100% to 100%, not the old 50 / 50 thing as many believe it to be.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[Perna]

There's nothing wrong with anyone's individual responses. I "trade" services too, Rhapsody, I get my husband to watch TV with me (shows he doesn't like) or read aloud to me in exchange for rubbing his foot (he injured it when he was 16, almost didn't walk again, damaged nerves and now they go berzerk often, creating pain which only my massage helps :-) You hit the nail on the head with the 100% to 100% but I think both people have to agree 100% of what behaviors. Everything needs to be negotiated and not negotiating but just assuming the other person "owes" you is not a good way to go. I think that's what Spazkatz's boyfriend is doing, trying to guilt her into sex. Not a "loving" act on his part?

[Rhapsody]

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Perna said:
There's nothing wrong with anyone's individual responses. I "trade" services too, Rhapsody, I get my husband to watch TV with me (shows he doesn't like) or read aloud to me in exchange for rubbing his foot (he injured it when he was 16, almost didn't walk again, damaged nerves and now they go berzerk often, creating pain which only my massage helps :-) You hit the nail on the head with the 100% to 100% but I think both people have to agree 100% of what behaviors. Everything needs to be negotiated and not negotiating but just assuming the other person "owes" you is not a good way to go. I think that's what Spazkatz's boyfriend is doing, trying to guilt her into sex. Not a "loving" act on his part?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Hmm -

Ok - Now please keep in mind that this is coming from my POV..... but when I read her first post I did not see her b/f as trying to guilt her into having sex with him, but that he was needing / wanting SEX more than she was and with that he felt hurt when she said NO (to him the person) - hence why he retreats from her for about an hour after being crushed.... like many of us do when we feel rejected.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[Perna]

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SpazKatt said:
I would like to talk to someone about this, but I don't want to upset anyone. My boyfriend and I are having a difficulties agreeing on the amount of sex we should be having. He wants it every day... I don't, and if I say I'm not in the mood he gets VERY upset and will not talk to me or look at me for an hour. This is our only big problem, Please help!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
"difficulties agreeing on the amount of sex we should be having"

But just by expressing herself, what she wants, SpazKatt leaves herself open to childish pouting/abuse?

what is pouting, if it isn't being upset that you didn't get your way and making sure that your partner/parent sees that you're upset.

look at what Spazzkatt asked...........she is hurting and needing answers=support.

[radio_flyer]

I think sex is important in a "healthy" relationship. But I also think there is more to relationships than just sex. My opinion is that the boyfriend is not respecting you by putting you on a guilt trip because you have said no, esp when he wants sex every day. In fact, I think he is being selfish.. Although he says that is how he expresses his love for you, I find that a little hard to believe. I think he is satisfying his needs at your expense. Grant it, he is young and has a strong sex drive and that is normal. But it is not normal to "expect" you to have sex just because he wants it. You have to "want" it too..

I believe women who "always say yes" feeling it is their duty is doing harm to their emotional well being. And after time, the women's normal, healthy sex drive "could" be damaged because she may feel her body is being used and her needs have not been met. IMHO

I am not saying "his" sex drive is wrong. What I am saying it is wrong for him to expect sex on a daily basis, esp when you have told him your do not want sex every day. That you would like a "break" for a few days..

I still think it is very important you have a heart to heart talk with him. Get serious.. Be honest.. Explain your feelings. . Also let him know, if this is true, that when you are "in the mood" sex is great with him...... Communication is so very important. IMHO

Good luck.. I hope things works out for you.

[AlteredState01]

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It gets to the point where I don't want to say no because he get so upset, then I'm not happy... basically no matter what I end up feeling bad! He says it's because it's the only way he can truly express his love for me.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I can so relate to where you are coming from, Spaz. I'd love to tell you exactly what to do, but I cannot. What I do know from experience is this: If you continue to "give in" all the time (we have to sometimes), you will come to a point where you will hate sex and possibly even being touched. This is what happened to me; and

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
BTW - Males often express their love for another through - a sexual relationship & through providing financially for the ones they love.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Rhapsody has it right. Men are generally physical, not emotional. They tend to prove their love just as Rhapsody explained. Accepting that this is the way most men are taught to express themselves may help to understand your boyfriend better. Won't necessarily make things easier for you, especially since you are both still young and learning to navigate and negotiate relationships, but knowing these facts can help.

My experience has been that if an agreement/conciliation cannot be reached in this area of a relationship, it is bound to fail.

This is not an easy subject to discuss, by any means, and even harder to understand and accept each other's needs and desires without feeling guilt, hurt, shame, etc.

As hard as it may be to accept, this may not be a good time for you to be in a relationship (or at least a sexual one).

HONOUR YOUR FEELING FIRST! If there is one area that you must feel good about in a relationship, it is this one.

I think he is also being a tad "dramatic." No matter what guys say, they don't need it all the time. They just want it all the time.

This may be a good thing as it will allow you the opportunity to see, rather quickly, whether or not he has your best interests at heart (and truly cares) or if he is just in it for the short term.

One more thing: what you are requesting IS NOT UNREASONABLE, so do not allow him to make you feel otherwise.

Feeling for ya,

Altered State

[AlteredState01]

(Agree, though!)