[EricTheRed]

Hello everyone, this is my first time on this site/forum. I feel I have no one to talk to in real life about this problem, since it is my girlfriend's wishes that I don't tell anyone. I'll try to keep this as short as I can, while still giving you a good understanding of this situation. Me and my girlfriend have been dating for 4 years. We love each other very much, and she is the sweetest, most caring person I know (though she has her moments ). I myself, have had anxiety problems in the past (some panic attacks, depersonalization) but felt recovered for quite some time, having no problems with either for years. However, I have had some depression in the past years, but feel it's mainly due to my large size (360 lbs). About a week ago, my girlfriend told me that she had been raped. She didn't put it that way, but what she said was that the guy she dated before me (she only went out with him since he asked her constantly), had sex with her against her will. He took her to a party (family party I believe), and when it came time for her to go home, he pretended that the car wouldn't work. They went to the bedroom, which is where it happened. It hurts just typing this. I had no idea that had ever happened, though I new about her going to a party with him and he pretending the car wouldn't start. She began crying as she was explaining it, and she said she didn't want to talk about it anymore. She said it was embarassing and felt ashamed. I told her I was very glad she told me, and that in no way was that her fault and that she has nothing to be ashamed of. After comforting her, we changed the subject. The next morning, I drop her off at work and go home. At night, I started thinking about what she told me, and started getting extremely angry and sad that she had went through that and was holding it in this whole time. I couldn't get the image out of my head and the thought of the effect it must have had on her. I cried harder than i have in a long time, feeling guilty for things I may have done/said to her in the past, when I'm the only one in her world she's told this too. The next following nights were the same. "What If.." thoughts began shooting through my head, one of them being if she had caught a sexually transmitted disease from him (she said he didn't use a condom). I then paniced, thinking that I would have to have it too. For the past 4 years we've been together, we have been having unprotected sex ourselves (she was my first, I was her 2nd). No problems have ever come up, but then I went online and read that HIV may not show symptoms for up to 10 years. The "What if.." thoughts then went into overdrive. I was up all night, feeling massive anxiety and worrying myself sick in the stomache. Luckily, a local clinic was offering free HIV tests in the morning, so I went as early as I could. After an hour of waiting, test came back negative. I told them the situation, and they recommended my girlfriend talk to a therapist. I then called my girlfriend on the phone to see if she had been checked, though I was very hesitant to since I didn't want to bring up the issue again. She started crying, and said that we could go together on the weekend. I didn't want to tell her I had already went, but definitely plan to go with her and take it again (I feel very guilty about it, I was just in such a panic). The weekend comes where I pick her up. She seemed distant at first, and I didn't want to bring up the test, as I knew it would just upset her. The weekend goes by, and we never went. I didn't want to bring it up. This whole issue has given me so much anxiety and worry I couldn't bare to see her cry. I'm still worrying like crazy, about us and her. It's been turning my stomache. I can't sleep. I'm going through the anxiety/depression self help program I went through in the past to help me cope through this and figure out how to solve it. I started working out to get rid of the "worrying" energy. I just realized how much I have typed and am grateful if you have read this far! If anyone has any advice on how to work through this situation, It would mean the world to me. I'm afraid she won't go to therapy or ever talk about it again, and it worries me heavily.

[UniversalTruth]

It sounds like you really love her. I am sure this situation is very difficult for both of you... I have been through the same. She needs your acceptance and suuport now more than ever. Keep your freaking out to yourself and dont tip toe around the issue... she will feel like you are isolating her and judging her. Go and take her to the clinic - then go for ice cream and a walk afterwards - something together, intimate and yet innocent. Hold her hand and dont make any sexual advances toward her because she needs to know that you are there for her no matter what - not just for sex. She is very vulnerable right now - but you also need to treat her with respect and like she is a strong woman who can face up to this ugly thing that happened from no fault of her own. Take it from me, she obviously wants your help to overcome this... or she would not have told you.

That is my advice - I wish my man was as supportive as it sounds like you are.

[hamster-bamster]

Eric,

It is good you posted. You have several issues and are already partially on your way to resolve them:

1) the possibility of being infected. You tested negative for HIV, which is great. She should get tested as well. There are also tests for other STI's - call your local Planned Parenthood or find out from the clinic you went to if they also offer tests for other STI's. Note that the risk from one encounter is not huge, so just calmly wait for the results (easier said than done, right?)

2) Her trauma might need therapy. The impact of rape varies. It seems that she is overall doing OK in that she has been having sex with you fine (I had a piano teacher when I was in school - a lovely young woman with a porcelain face and very chic, elegant, highly feminine body curvature; she had never been married, had never had a boyfriend; another girl who was also her student told me why: the piano teacher was brutally raped by a stranger when she was a teen; she developed a fear of men; it was decades before counseling for rape victims so she never got help). There is a woman on the Sex and Gender forum who was put through 9 months of rape when she was young, and decades later she dissociates from sex with her husband. Those two cases are much worse than your gf's case, so you should at least be able to see the bright side.

[/B]In my mid 20s, I was put through one date rape incident, as well, also without a condom. It is bad. But it is not the end of the world. Your gf will be OK. She needs to work through embarrassment and shame. You did very well when you told her that she should not feel shame. I am thinking that probably one reason I did not develop anything bad, psychologically, after the date rape incident was because I did not feel any shame or embarrassment. I felt (and still feel) outraged and infuriated. Being outraged and infuriated is a much better feeling after a date rape because it is consistent with the reality: if you are a victim of a crime, you are justified in feeling outraged and infuriated. Feeling ashamed is not consistent with being a victim of a crime, and is a very specific, twisted response to being raped that is due to a whole long history of societal conditioning that has made sex dirty and has made women believe that they are at fault whereas they are not. People who have been robbed do not feel ashamed. So shame is a very specific response to the very specific crime of rape, and is exceedingly unhelpful. Shame and embarrassment are the reason she waited so long before telling you. Had she been robbed, she would have told you right away. So she, you, and possibly a T should all work towards eliminating the feeling of shame.

3) You should continue telling her that you appreciate her having trusted you with such painful memories. Do not push much - do not push therapy because it is not essential and can wait; do push STI testing for your piece of mind. Continue expressing compassion and appreciation of her level of trust in you.

4) You do seem very anxious and you know it. Exercise is a great way to deal with anxiety. Deep breathing is supposed to help, too, although I personally have not tried.

5) Try to have more sex with her (if she does not mind). It will help with your anxiety, help you guys bond further, and hopefully underscore for her how much she has lucked out on you (her former guy raped her, and you are such a nice guy who has consensual sex with her, calms her down, and respects her - a clear win).

Good luck!

[EricTheRed]

Thank you both very much for your responses. She doesn't seem to be very "victimized" by it, but I'm not sure if she's just pushing it under the rug. It doesn't seem to have affected her sexually (she's a wild one lol) and has no issues climaxing either. I do love and care for her very much. Unfortunately, the last weekend we were together, we didn't have sex (we usually have sex at least once). I just felt I couldn't do it, as I couldn't get the image out of my head. With all the anxiety, I haven't had any sexual appetite at all really (though i believe it's getting better). I'm still not sure how to go about going to the clinic with her, I want to keep it as "no big deal" as I can when I do. I also have the "what if" thought that she was even raped at all, and if she really put up a fight. I feel terrible to think it, and I doubt it's the case, since she cried when telling me, but it creeps in sometimes. It feels really good letting this out of my head, and i'm glad I've found a forum where people want to help eachother. The anxiety I'm feeling has caused me to become overaware of my feelings constantly, and creating tension on the sides of my head. I'll be picking her up tomorrow night and we'll be together all throughout the weekend. We actually plan on enrolling into the community college together. I feel that if I ask us to go get checked at a clinic, she will think that I think she has something, and that I'm freaking out and everything is changing now that she told me that. I don't want her to think that at all, last time I mentioned it to her I told her it was "just to be safe" and that i "doubt if she had anything".

[hamster-bamster]

"Let us go to the clinic and get checked, together! Sure, the risk is small, but let us just go for our peace of mind. We will get results before the academic year starts - that would be good for getting this thing off our worry list."

[EricTheRed]

Thanks again for the reply hamster! I'll try to pop the question tomorrow, it's just that I'm afraid I won't know how to handle it if she gets really upset. After some self analyzing, I think I've always kind of been hesitant to have "serious" talks with her. She can be fragile at times. Other times she dishes out the brutal honesty, so I guess it's silly for me to think like this lol. I'll let you know what happens tomorrow!

[EricTheRed]

Okay, well the weekend had been good so far. The other night she brought up how she's embarrassed to tested and that she thinks that i think she has something. I assured her that i'm sure we are both and that we should do it just to be safe and for peace of mind. She said she feels "dirty" going into those clinics and that its embarassing. Again, i told her its a perfectly normal thing to do and that theres nothing to be embarassd about. We went to sleep, woke up, had a nice day, then went back to sleep. early morning comes around, and we start going at it a little. She tells me she wants to do it, but she notices im not going for it. She then gets really upset, stops everything, turns around facing the other way and balls up in the c overs. I knew why, so i told her that i still wanted to make sure that we are both okay first. She starts to cry a little, saying that she regretted ever telling me about what happened. I tried comforting her as much as i could, saying that im really glad she told me and that i didnt want her to have to hold that in. i continued on by telling her that i love her and that i just want us to be safe. We'll go to the clinic together, find out we are both okay, and then go wild on eachother. She just continued pushing me away telling me to give her space. She said that we've been okay for 4 years and its never been a problem. I continued on, but she just kept pushing me away. I am now typing this while laying next to her.

[healingme4me]

Reassure her, that being tested, is nothing to feel dirty, nor ashamed about. If anything, it's normal, in this day and age, to be tested after having a relationship end, or even to be tested before a relationship begins.

After my divorce, I had myself tested for everything. I came back normal. Ironically, a year later, my exh went and had himself tested for everything. Which came back normal.

It's normal, to have these tests done!! It's actually, good to have these tests done.

You are being tested, with her!! And that's a bonding experience. And then, you can both put this behind you.

[EricTheRed]

Thanks for the reply healing4me. I've reassured her many many times, but she's asking i leave her alone now and that i stop bringing it up. She's back to sleep, and i'm stuck here wondering what to do. i'm wondering if we should even worry about it anymore. She still doesn't know that i was already checkedlast week, and that i'm okay. I mean we've been having unprotected sex for 4 years now, so i'm almost 100% sure that she's okay too. I don't know what else to tell her and i don't want this to bring us apart.

[hamster-bamster]

It is true that on the facts (she only had once incident of unprotected sex against her will, you then had many years of unprotected sex together, and you personally tested negative), chances are high that she is not infected.

Does she seem comfortable with you when you initiate intercourse with her?

[EricTheRed]

Well, it hasn't been going so well with us. She thinks that since I don't want to have sex with her that I am judging her and she's regretting ever telling me. She's afraid that we will never be the way we were. She's confused with how I've been acting, why I all of the sudden want to use condoms when we've been unprotected for years. She won't believe anything I tell her. I'm getting her a present tomorrow (a framed picture of us) to show that I still love her and want to be with her. I hate how this blew up. I should have never gotten checked without her. I just had so much anxiety and worry that I couldn't wait. I hope that we will be okay. I just don't know what to do

[EricTheRed]

Originally Posted by Illegal Toilet

Does she seem comfortable with you when you initiate intercourse with her?

Yes, we have had no issues with our sex life. She's a lot to handle I'm really hoping that after all of this it will still be okay, and not awkward forever

You know, it does seem to be closing the stable door after the horse has bolted. I do understand why you want her to be checked, and it is very sensible, but I can also understand her feeling of rejection esp as this is coming over as your main concern when you've both been together so long. She's told you something very important and I guess she now feels like she's being punished for something that wasn't her fault.

Did you ask her why she never got checked after the event? That may have given you a clue as to how to handle this. Have you talked much about what happened, or has it been mainly about a clinic appointment? I feel from your post that perhaps you've not handled this as well as you could've - you admitted to being really bad over this, and I wonder if your feelings of anxiety and worry as well as the clinic stuff has made her feel awful about herself. To regret saying something to you.. well, that's not good. And no, you shouldn't have got yourself checked without telling her unless she refused to go, and I wouldn't ever tell her you've been. And it's worth considering that being raped does not HAVE to equal an STD. You can just as easily pick one up from a one night stand or a partner... we just never know. Did you think of STD's before you started having unprotected sex before you found out about the rape? I think that it may be good to remember that too and why she may be feeling punished.

So from my understanding now, you've got a stalemate in place? No more unprotected sex until she gets and STD test, and she's digging her heels in? I hope the picture helps, but I get the feeling a lot of understanding from each other is needed. Perhaps couples therapy may be a way forward too, to try and rebuild.

Hugs

[EricTheRed]

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

You know, it does seem to be closing the stable door after the horse has bolted. I do understand why you want her to be checked, and it is very sensible, but I can also understand her feeling of rejection esp as this is coming over as your main concern when you've both been together so long. She's told you something very important and I guess she now feels like she's being punished for something that wasn't her fault.

Did you ask her why she never got checked after the event? That may have given you a clue as to how to handle this. Have you talked much about what happened, or has it been mainly about a clinic appointment? I feel from your post that perhaps you've not handled this as well as you could've - you admitted to being really bad over this, and I wonder if your feelings of anxiety and worry as well as the clinic stuff has made her feel awful about herself. To regret saying something to you.. well, that's not good. And no, you shouldn't have got yourself checked without telling her unless she refused to go, and I wouldn't ever tell her you've been. And it's worth considering that being raped does not HAVE to equal an STD. You can just as easily pick one up from a one night stand or a partner... we just never know. Did you think of STD's before you started having unprotected sex before you found out about the rape? I think that it may be good to remember that too and why she may be feeling punished.

So from my understanding now, you've got a stalemate in place? No more unprotected sex until she gets and STD test, and she's digging her heels in? I hope the picture helps, but I get the feeling a lot of understanding from each other is needed. Perhaps couples therapy may be a way forward too, to try and rebuild.

Hugs

You couldn't be more right. This is why I feel awful for letting my own problems get the best of me. I don't think she has anything, in fact I'm almost 100% certain she's fine. I mean we've been together 4 years, never had any symptoms. After she told me about it, we didn't talk much about it since she didn't want to. Whenever we did talk about it, it was mainly concerning the clinic appointment (though we wouldn't talk about it much, in fact we had a great time together until it would come up). I'm going through my anxiety program to make sure that this never happens again and that I'm strong enough for her in the future. I'm thinking of just forgetting the whole clinic appointment all together, and letting her know how sorry I am for the way I reacted. Would that be a good idea?

[Harley47]

It might be. I would think, in all honesty, that in four years of sexual activity together that if there were anything to worry about (barring HIV, which if you tested negative for already, you're fine), it would've manifested itself already. Granted, that is me speaking off my gut with no real medical authority, but I think you're well past the point of worrying.

Were I you, I'd focus on simply being there for her...she revealed this to you out of trust for you. She felt it was something you should know, and her being able to trust someone else with the information is likely a huge source of comfort for her in and of itself. Couples counseling might be beneficial as well, as it would allow you two to talk about this matter (and others) in a healthy environment.

I wish you both the best as you work to heal together.

Hugs,
Harley

Maybe that's the way to go but only if you can really deal with it and live with the doubt. At least you have peace on mind with yourself, and I should imagine most STD's would've shown up on your test if that was the case.

I am a firm believer of getting checks when embarking on a sexual relationship, but I guess the damage has been done now emotionally, so it may be difficult to get her to go without her thinking the worst.

It really is up to you, difficult one. Perhaps leave it on a backburner for a while, and concentrate on your relationship now - perhaps she will feel better about the subject when she feels secure with you once more.

Good luck and be rooting for you both.

[tinyrabbit]

I'm sorry things are going badly for you. To be honest I'm not convinced she hasn't been that affected - you never know what's going on deep inside and I'd strongly recommend therapy for her and possibly both of you as a couple.

[sabby]

Bumping thread after editing and re-opening.

[EricTheRed]

thanks everyone for your replies. to update, we're both doing great. i apologized to her for making her feel the way she felt and how i hated myself for not being more condsiderate of her feelings. we hung out the other night, i stayed at her place, and everything was well. i told her we don't have to take the test, and that I know we are both okay, and that I just freaked myself out a little bit. I pick her up again tonight, and am looking forward to the make up lovin'! She says she wants to get checked even though I said it's okay we don't (at least not right away) since she believes it will still be in the back of my mind when having sex. I will update tomorrow (hopefully it'll be a positive one!) with how things go.

[janeallyellow]

hi!

I've been facing the same difficulties, but on the other side! I recently told my boyfriend i was raped a few years ago (with a few details that i might have avoided..) to which he reacted very brutally. He told me while discussing later on that he was unable to look at me the same way, and that he started having problems feeling sexual desire for me (or anyone) after i had told him about it. I am perfectly capable of having sex (and overcame my problems before him, but mostly with him - by just trusting him), and we had ammmazing sexes before i had told him... He's the first partner i shared this with, and really regret it now, but i still want to make things better. While we still have had sex afterwards, it's obvious something was broken. I don't understand his reaction and don't know what to do to make things better.
I have made HIV tests and other tests and we're both clean. The problem we're facing right now rather concerns the fact that he doesn't feel sexual at all since we talked about it and doesn't feel desire towards me since then... i feel like i broke him! He refuses to talk about it and told me there was nothing i could do...
how can i help him? what would you have wanted your girlfriend to do to make things better?