[River11]

Keep having mini-crises, even though we're ideal soul-mates, the love of my life and I. We've lived together for 3 and half yrs (romantically and passionately connected some 2yrs before that), married for 7 mths, had known each other as gradually closer friends for 5 yrs before suddenly realizing we were in love.

Anyway, we have a deep, wide love and a strong, playful and spiritual friendship, respect and support for each other ... and of course we've 'weathered ups and downs' and dark times etc ...
But what drives me to actually post here again at long last, seeking help, is that when there's a 'disconnect' between us or I get trauma-triggered (mostly these happen in love-making )-; though it used to always be and sometimes still is perfect), he goes distant on me. Right when I'm vulnerable, needful of comforting and reassuring or just to reconnect our loving bond, he retreats behind his apparently injured state, so I feel abandoned and (try not to get) resentful.

I've made myself stay present and rise above the hurt, needy child; got clear and calm in expressing what's going on for me without attributing blame etc ... but what is there to do, where is there to go when he stays fractured and distant and says he's feeling too sensitive to try getting close again ?? How do I keep drawing on loving feelings to give to reassure him when I feel he's so neglecting my need for same?

Thank you if you bothered to read all this, and even more if you trouble to offer some helpful feedback, encouragement or support x

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[Frankbtl]

Hi River11, it sounds like you've had a really tough time in the past but to now be with your soul mate is fantastic!! Not to trivialize your problem at all, but do you think maybe just a bit more "fine tuning" in the relationship if your feelings for him/each other are that deep??
Do you think that the triggers are coming a bit more because you are in a way expecting some distance from him/less understanding to come if things are starting to feel hard. Maybe you're feeling less "safe" with him causing more triggers??
Perhaps a real heart-to-heart with him about what's causing him to be distant might help you both. Maybe he's feeling upset/frustrated/hopeless/helpless that after this time he hasn't been able to help you avoid the triggers. It's always going to be hard to see the people we really love/care about hurting, and the distance might be his reaction to that as opposed to him not caring. Perhaps he hasn't fully recognized (felt with you as far as possible) the extent of the trauma you've been through, the effects, and despite everything just how far you actually have come with him.
Perhaps you can work together on what he needs to do/what you want him to do when you're feeling triggered, then he has some part in helping you and you have something.
If he finds it hard to know what to say/do at the time then maybe agree that (if this would help!!) he just holds you for a while. Even that may offer you some comfort/reassurance, right????? And then as it's helping maybe you can further that closeness.
From that, in time, you might be able to move on more in ways he can support you when you need it.
And you know what, sometimes there's nothing wrong with being that "hurt, needy child". it can say/express so much more clearly what you're actually feeling. So sometimes just let go, and then try to use that in a way to push on a bit more "constructive/proactive" communication between you, including finding ways you can make things a bit better between you.
And maybe keep on remembering, cherishing and building on all the really positive things you have in the relationship to give you both some more strength in overcoming this???
Best wishes
Alison
P.S. if you think you need some professional help in overcoming the trauma a little more, don't hesitate to do that either.

[River11]

Thank you so much, Allison, for all the thoughtfulness, insight, care and affirming encouragement you put into replying.

Even though I have tried some of the things you suggest, you have given me much to think on and try. (I'm also wondering whether to show him ??)

Sorry I'm not up to a decent response right now, for a couple of reasons, but I do want you to know I greatly appreciate the time and caring input you've given.

PS We have just restarted couples therapy (we had initially started months ago but quit after three sessions cos the guy was worse than useless) with a really sensitive counsellor I used to see yrs ago. And the psychologist I see now and then thought it great when I floated the idea of 'sex therapy' ... aaarrrghhh !!

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[Frankbtl]

River11, more than a decent response. Wasn't even necessarily expecting one so thankyou!!
And the couples therapy sounds like a great idea, a bit more of a "forum" for you both to open up about your feelings and working on the way ahead.
Just make sure that you're carrying on talking about the things you talk about in therapy outside of therapy too, keep it "real", and make it count. Although you probably know that anyway!!
The very best of luck!! Although you probably don't really need that as much considering how close you two already are in plenty of other ways, just use that to your advantage!!
Alison

[River11]

Thanks Alison; very sweet!

I'm having real trouble, right now (that's why I'm up at midnight) as I usually do, feeling at all close to him or happy about us let alone able to get reassurance or reconnection with him after his going into despair and distance - first emotionally then physically - and even after going for a walk and talk together, there being no real reawakening of closeness. And cos I've come to know he just won't 'come for me' romantically anymore.

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[Frankbtl]

Hi, you don't think that these problems are overshadowing the whole relationship do you? Maybe taking on a life of their own?
Do you think it might help to briefly step away from them to find that spark you had before. Just be you two together without the issues lingering either in the communication or in the back of your minds.
I'm thinking maybe just set aside a day/half a day together (agree no mention of the issues) and just enjoy being together. Perhaps do something you haven't done in a long time which you once did or just anything else "fun" that you're not used to doing. Depending on what you like/what's in your area e.g. fun fair, day trip, ice skating, boating, day at the seaside, going to a disco or a gig.
Something that's going to make you hold hands, smile together, laugh together, connect, be yourselves together, let go. And you might be able to see the parts in each other that have nothing to do with the issues, the parts that might have slipped into the background, the parts you've loved/love about each other.
It might all seem a bit strange/standoffish at first but if you can relax into it, remember how much you loved/love each other...........??
And at the end of it just talk about the positive things, maybe have some closeness or intimacy going or rather let that flow.
Of course you may still need to work through/get help with the issues but if you could intermingle that with just trying to be yourselves together??
Alison

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by River11

Thanks Alison; very sweet!

I'm having real trouble, right now (that's why I'm up at midnight) as I usually do, feeling at all close to him or happy about us let alone able to get reassurance or reconnection with him after his going into despair and distance - first emotionally then physically - and even after going for a walk and talk together, there being no real reawakening of closeness. And cos I've come to know he just won't 'come for me' romantically anymore.

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I'm unclear about what you mean, about not coming for you romantically, and what you mean about distancing himself? Is he just not verbally expressive?

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[River11]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi, you don't think that these problems are overshadowing the whole relationship do you? Maybe taking on a life of their own?
Do you think it might help to briefly step away from them to find that spark you had before. Just be you two together without the issues lingering either in the communication or in the back of your minds.
I'm thinking maybe just set aside a day/half a day together (agree no mention of the issues) and just enjoy being together. Perhaps do something you haven't done in a long time which you once did or just anything else "fun" that you're not used to doing. Depending on what you like/what's in your area e.g. fun fair, day trip, ice skating, boating, day at the seaside, going to a disco or a gig.
Something that's going to make you hold hands, smile together, laugh together, connect, be yourselves together, let go. And you might be able to see the parts in each other that have nothing to do with the issues, the parts that might have slipped into the background, the parts you've loved/love about each other.
It might all seem a bit strange/standoffish at first but if you can relax into it, remember how much you loved/love each other...........??
And at the end of it just talk about the positive things, maybe have some closeness or intimacy going or rather let that flow.
Of course you may still need to work through/get help with the issues but if you could intermingle that with just trying to be yourselves together??
Alison

Alison, thanks again - you've said so much that's helpful and lovely.

The thing is, the spark has been struggling to be there and/or remain for a while ... So, it's not just issues overshadowing the relationship; it feels like juice and trust and safety in passion going out of the relationship.

And yes, so well put about making time to enjoy ourselves and each other together; I've been trying to get across to him how important that is for some time. He seems to agree and now and then we've actually got close to planning it, but it seems to never actually happen (or it gets watered down to a local walk in which nothing helpful occurs).

He just shows now and then that he's definitely here to stay and wanting to work things through for the sake of our love, and even said a couple of times lately that he believes we will "get it back" - but for so long I haven't seen him prioritise the nurturing of the "spark" when it does manage to reappear, or the things I've explained I need to help keep/rekindle that spark ...

I think he's going some deep, long, dark-time-of-the-soul thing, maybe a kind of depression or recurring dissociation ... It's just getting harder to see the man that I've loved, let alone risk my heart to reach out and try to co-create a loving, safe space with him.

[River11]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I'm unclear about what you mean, about not coming for you romantically, and what you mean about distancing himself? Is he just not verbally expressive?

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Thanks healingme4me. By distancing himself I mean being cut-off emotionally, unavailable relationally, even removing himself either behind a book or out of the flat. By "not coming for me" I guess I mean more not reaching for me ... you know, to pull me into a tender and strong embrace or wooing me with loving or taking us to nice place and making it romantic together ...

But also, yes, often not verbally expressive when I really need such; though he has been in the past and can be about other things. And it often leads me to feel that he must not feel the things for me that he used to and that I need.

I'm not totally without hope, but where I was often frustrated and/or temporarily heartbroken, I progressed through being depressed and desperate to now often being flat, despondent, trying not to remain spiralling between resentful and resigned.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by River11

Thanks healingme4me. By distancing himself I mean being cut-off emotionally, unavailable relationally, even removing himself either behind a book or out of the flat. By "not coming for me" I guess I mean more not reaching for me ... you know, to pull me into a tender and strong embrace or wooing me with loving or taking us to nice place and making it romantic together ...

But also, yes, often not verbally expressive when I really need such; though he has been in the past and can be about other things. And it often leads me to feel that he must not feel the things for me that he used to and that I need.

I'm not totally without hope, but where I was often frustrated and/or temporarily heartbroken, I progressed through being depressed and desperate to now often being flat, despondent, trying not to remain spiralling between resentful and resigned.

Sounds like more than just the ending of the honeymoon phase, is he just unwilling to compromise and discuss how these needs are no longer being met?

[River11]

Um...usually he's willing to discuss, and sometimes will seem to take it on board or say he'll try to remember or even apologise that he's failed to recognise and come through etc. But then, usually, no change.
Sometimes he's gone on to say that it's not that he doesn't feel those things etc, and that he can tend to go blank or disconnect and it's not me and he's working on improving ...
Sometimes he's just frustrated by my struggle to feel loved, desired, need for reassurance and has made out it's my problem. A lot of the time it's as though he expects the situation to resolve itself and/or me to just get over it and get back to being relaxed and casually affectionate with him without that "reaching for me".

I've come to understand and accept that it's not really that he doesn't care; he's just for some reason not able to be there sometimes, and barely able to be what I need when things get disconnected.

[wife22]

Dear River,I do somewhat relate to your situation :distancing,lack of communication ,lack of touch and desire to be held/embraced ,not pushed away.I am not sure of your husbands motives : perhaps ,being a male ,he wants to fix things and gets frustrated by your self consciousness and inability to help you,which in turn makes him feel incompetent and shuts his romantic tendencies down.This is just a thought , because you've mentioned ,that in the past you were emotionally close.All the best to River and hope you'll find your happiness soon again

[River11]

Thank you kindly, wife22 (nice to hear from you again!).
I really think you've seen into it. That had just started to occur to me ... partly cos a retired counsellor friend I confided in had said she believed he was afraid of something; and partly out of finally getting and looking past the hurt (insulted, judged, abandoned) I felt from the way he'd refer to my times of emotional struggle as contributing to his not having lover feelings toward me.

I did try, as proposed by psychologist, asking him to just hold me when I felt hurt/needy ... It was good once, but other times if his heart is still AWOL then it just leaves me numb and estranged, at best.

As I've said, I know this is not the end (nor even the beginning of it), but just increasingly at a loss as to how to help either of us through this.

Again, I really am grateful for all of you 'listening' and being so helpful x o

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[hvert]

I have no solution, but can relate. Something similar has happened in my relationship. Due to my being triggered in the past, he will no longer initiate. I have to initiate - but always having to be the one to reach out makes me feel crappy.

Now feels like we are in a stand off of sorts, both of us waiting for the other one to make the first move.

[River11]

Originally Posted by hvert

I have no solution, but can relate. Something similar has happened in my relationship. Due to my being triggered in the past, he will no longer initiate. I have to initiate - but always having to be the one to reach out makes me feel crappy.

Now feels like we are in a stand off of sorts, both of us waiting for the other one to make the first move.

SOOO feeling for you, hvert.

It so sucks that we can never 'win a standoff' ! I mean, I've felt before that I'm done with telling him, done with pushing things til he gets p***ed off then I'm the one to make up, so I'll just stay cool and distant and wait til he finally wants and reaches for me. But nah, he just leaves me to it or gets even more distant in return.

Don't you wish you could just sometimes be just a little pursued, or made an effort for?? Does it get hard, for you, to feel love-satisfied?

But in the long, and even shorter term - or maybe I mean in the 'bigger picture', it seems best and realistic to accept what our man is, his pleasing and disappointing traits, and just make it a priority and a satisfaction in itself to keep the love alive however. Well, that's kind of where I've got to ...
Hope your situation resolves satisfactorily.

[hvert]

Yes, I miss being pursued! I sometimes think that if I put in enough consistent effort at pursuing him over a period of time, say a few months, he would go back to the way he was. Too bad I can't sustain that kind of effort.

You are right, though -- it's more realistic to accept our partners for who they are. I still hate always having to be the one who ends these stand offs, but he won't so what am I supposed to do?

I am glad you are in a better place about your relationship!