Anxiety and Guilt- not a great combo

Hi- I'm new here and a little nervous. I am pretty anxious lately and have been dealing with anxiety & depression for about 15 years now (am 26 currently). There are numerous things going on with me and I can't seem to tell up from down.

To begin, I am just a very worried, anxious, and easily excitable person. On top of that, I feel like I am at a HUGE transitional point in my life that is very ackward and unsettling And, on top of even that, I have done something that has made all of the above even more difficult.

I have been married for a little over 2 years. I had been with my fiance for 5+ years before we got engaged. While we were in engaged, I had an affair. I was about to graduate college, get my first real job, get married and my anxiety peaked to the point where I felt I needed to go on Paxil. It helped with the anxiety- but I didn't feel any emotion at all. I was not myself. Please don't judge me because this is not something I am proud of. In fact, I carry the guilt with me every day of my life like a back pack.

I did not tell my husband until about a year into the marriage (when I got off the medication) and it is something that we've really been working on. After over a year, I can say that it seems that he is dealing with it much better than I am. I think about it all the time, wonder if people around me know about the horrible thing I've done and feel like everyone is judging me.

I am seeing a therapist to work on the guilt and the anxiety. I just often times lately feel crazy. My anxiety has taken over completely. I worry about death, money, will I ever be a mother? will I be a good mother or a crazy mother who always deals with these "bouts"? I often come home from work and just cry or stand in the kitchen because I don't know what to do with myself. My husband is SO supportive, especially given the circumstances. However, after months of this high amount of anxiousness and depression, it's draining him- he sees it as though no matter what, I'm still not happy. Maybe it's true- I don't know what makes me happy anymore.

I've always been so close and so dependent on my parents (I'm the baby of the family) but I'm at a point in my life where I feel I cannot or DO NOT want to turn to them to pick up the pieces. Not to mention I know that, although they would always love me, they would be very judgemental and not at all supportive. However, I feel so much shame and guilt that it feels like I'm starting to isolate myself from friends and family because I don't want anyone to know about our past OR to know that my anxiety is this out of control.

My parents, brothers, and all other relatives are starting to really ask alot about "when are you going to have kids?" This is just not something I am prepared to even think about right now but at the same time, is all I can think about sometimes. Am I even making any sense anymore?

Does anyone have any advice, support, or words of wisdom at all? I want to make my marriage work, but more importantly, I do want to work on MYSELF- which is also the key to making ANY of my other relationships work (husband, friends, family, etc)

Please help!

1. you don't have to tell your parents/friends/siblings about your indiscretion. try writing it all down and then burn it......

2. if your husband is willing, and he sounds concerned, try couples counseling to go along with your individual therapy. it could be that only a few sessions could get things straight with you.

3. we're all too hard on ourselves. it's a natural reaction to life.
make a list of what you do well and what you think is going wrong. see how it balances out......

good luck, pat

Tiod, you sound so much like me in my early years of marriage. I think I should send you a PM (private message in your mailbox.)
Patty

Thanks for both of your kind words. It is difficult because I don't know why I can't forgive AND I don't know exactly why I did it in the first place. A lot of times I think it was anxiety-related (i.e. constantly worrying, "is he really the one?", "will I be happy for the rest of my life?", "what will it all be like?", etc.) And while I don't blame the drugs themselves, I do feel that the "blah" feeling they gave me played a part in my "chasing emotional highs" at that point in my life. That is one of the many reason I am hesitant to go back on meds of any kind- that and the side effects really freak me out.

I know that I will eventually get over the guilt and that pain. I just am not sure about the anxiety. Does it ever really go away? Or should I say can we ever maintain it well without the meds?

I want to be able to talk to people and not hear my voice shake, to get off the phone with family or friends and not wonder if THEY'RE wondering what's wrong, or to feel confident enough to call them in the first place!

What's with the family thing? Does family-related stuff make anyone else more anxious? Sometimes I feel like I'm doing ok and then just the though of my parents can throw me into a spell. And it hurts and is scary because they are pretty great people. Can anyone relate to this?

Thanks again for the responses!

{{{{{{tiodlliwi}}}}}} Ohh Hon, I feel so much for you. I haven't had an affair, but there are other things that make me feel guilty ALL THE TIME and I think Fayeody has some really great points there.
Anxiety is a nasty thing and shame and guilt seem to be the eternal companions.
But let me tell you, you are not alone.
Even though it must be really hard to see the light right now, have hope that you'll find your path to feel better about yourself.
PM me anytime and don't be so hard on yourself, breath or go for a walk instead of staying home after work, that might help to clear your mind up~

if your husband he has forgiven your indescression (sp) then its time for you to do the same and move forward instead of going in circles

Ohh and another thing, people has to respect your own privacy, by that i mean, having kids is not a game, It's wonderful? yes, it's easy? No at all, it's a lot of rewarding work, but it takes time, energy, and a lot is demanded from you.
So if they want kids, they can have their own, lol, sorry serious matter.
Take your time to make any decisions, when the baby cries at 3:00 am nobody but you and your husband are going to be there.
Hang in there~

I can't add anything to what others have stated , except (((((((((((((((tiodlliwi)))))))))))))))

The pain in your words brings reminds me of my own pain in my young adulthood. I now teach an agre group just slightly younger than you, and I see some that get into this kind of tailspin, and my heart goes out to them. There is so much emotional intensity, I think, as we navigate this period of life.

There is wisdom in Pat's clear words.

Thanks to all for the supportive advice and, mainly, an ear! I am working with a therapist that I'm very happy with and have made small steps- learning to practice better "self talk", deep breathing, and standing up for myself. My main problem is just letting things get to the point (such as last night) where everything feels wrong and I, in turn feel hopeless. I am still hesitent to go back on the meds- I read pretty horrible stuff about them and did not have an easy time getting off of them, etc. Some of my strategies are going to be: daily walks, journaling, AND ( ! ) a decision I made today is to actually maybe open up with more people- including family. If someone seems concerned (even if it's just my perception) I can just let them in on the fact that my anxiety is high lately- without delving into everything else. My parents understand about the anxiety because they have delt with it on and off throughout their lives, too. That way, I won't feel like I'm shutting people out- in fact, maybe it will broaden my support network. ALSO, if I don't call as often or feel in the mood to entertain, etc. they will have a better understanding than knowing nothing at all.

I know I shouldn't feel that I need to reveal all to my parents or feel bad about not wanting to call or see them all the time anymore. But I've always looked to them for approval and that is one of the many things I need to work on. Does this make sense? Can anyone relate?

Thanks again for all the support- it is so helpful just to know that there are others out there and that I am not alone!!!

Makes complete sense, Tiod. We don't crawl out of the coccoon of youth one day and pronounce, "Now I am a woman, a fully mature, independent adult who knows how to set appropriate boundaries, safeguard my priorities and privacy, treat others with decency and compassion, contribute to family and society."

Becoming the person we want to be is always a process, and we are always enmeshed in relationships that present us with unique and often unpredictable opportunities for growth.

We all puzzle our way through these enmeshing ties and emotions.

At least, that's my $.02.
(((((((((((((Tiod))))))))))))

I like you are 26, knew my husband 5 yr before we married ankd 3yrs later is suffering from extreme guilt and anxiety. Just one thing...5 minutes after we married I was pregnant. And 5 months after delivering became pregnant again. Theres nothing I have not been through or wouldn't understand. But one thing I do want to make clear is the most important thing is you! It's hard work and takes time, patience and support which fortunately you have but you can't help but question, how long can they be the support you desperately need. Thats enough to scare you but don't let it. You'll only make it worse. Try very hard to be positive even if you don't feel like it. It's not easy but try, for you and for your husband who clearly loves you. With therapy you will be guided but only you can control it!
One thing I would stress to you is the importance of getting well before starting a family. If one person could learn from my experiance, I would be grateful cause your issues now are only magnified during and possibly after pregnancy. It sucks the joy out of what should be the happiest time of your life. I have so much experiance, understanding and not to mention some things in common with you. I hope I can help you with what ever support you need. We all make mistakes so no one has thr right to judge you. You're only human.

Sincerely

Thanks for the kind words and advice. I know you are right- I should not even be thinking about children and all that right now because the focus should be, above all else, myself right now. I may always deal with anxiety- but with how it's been lately, I would not make the most stable mother unfortunately. Not to mention the biggest aspect- my husband and I just completely are not ready. I know everyone always says, "NO ONE is ever ready for kids" but at this point we love our freedom and spending lots of time with each other and friends. WIth all that being said, the thought of children pops into my head throughout the day just because it is one of my "anxiety- inducing" thoughts and it freaks me out. Need to work on my self-talk with that topic. I want to feel like it is a choice to not have kids right now (because it is) and NOT feel like it is a punishment for what I did or because my husband and I are not in a "good place" or are "weird" like I worry my family thinks.

I know a lot of that was sort of jumbled- but when I try to talk a lot of this stuff out lately, it tends to come out like that.

And I know I will get through this- thanks for the support- with therapy and meds if I do need them, and mostly, learning to really love myself again.

Thanks for sharing your situation with me and take care of yourself as well. I can't even imagine having two children at our age on top of everything else. If you ever need to talk, PM me.

I have a "plan" I use on myself when I get too anything; depressed, anxious, whatever. When things seem to be the worse they can be, I figure it doesn't hurt to do things I don't want to do. How about cleaning the bathroom? LOL, things could be worse. Usually I think of something to do that's more "enjoyable" than cleaning the bathroom or cleaning out my closet or whatever it is that I've been avoiding. And, once I get started working on something, I get distracted from my worries or bad feelings and shift gears because we can only "focus" on one thing at once.

So, I would suggest making a mental list of things you don't want to do and when you come in and are standing in the kitchen ready to give up, say to yourself, "Well, I might as well ________." I call mine my "Rutabaga" Plan because the name, "rutabaga" always makes me smile/laugh, I find it such a ridiculous word. Now all I have to do is think "rutabaga" and I cheer up or look for something to help me not be as anxious. With your guilt, I'd ask myself "Is there anything I can do about it right this second?" and, of course, the answer is "No" so I'd just move on to something else. I love this (down below the advertisement, second half of the screen) about "Beating a Dead Horse": http://mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.p...=doc&id=85

Yes, I agree. I have been really working on just keeping moving, keeping busy. It's been nice lately because my husband can sense the instant I go into a slump and get a blank stare and will do silly things like try to tickle or wrestle me to the ground- sounds super corny, I know but it works! I just can't say enough how helpful this site has been. I think I wrote my first entry about a week ago, on a night I was feeling particularly bad, and as soon as I got a resonse I immediatly felt like I was not alone. Rather, I was embraced by a bunch of strangers. I have to say it was a pleasant surprise and I have had a good week (knock on wood!)

THANKS!!

well it looks like your at least trying to deal with it.my os and ihave had just about the same problem only while she did tell me about it, later denied it and the story has completely changed (the agreeded apon lie) i never agreed just got tired of hurting and fighting.im sure if things continue as they are we will be done.things being left like this feels like shes not sorry(or hasnt said so except out of the corner of her mouth if you know what i mean) and im not really sure its even over or have they just gotten sneaker and i dont really know if she is sorry. i do know that i feel like %#@&#! ive lost my best friend to distrust and you all are the only people ive ever admitted to.its to bad that this the route she has choosen (to not deal with it) i feel so alone even worse when i realize that i dont feel safe to talk about anything personal anymore. i have fake sexual desire well its only been 3 months i found out and only 1 month that i figure its been over if it is. i wouldnt tell anyone else about if were you but as you can see some things do need to repaired if you can. if anyone has any words of wisdom for me id be glad to hear them. i would have put my own post up i just cant figure out yet. HELP

You do sound like you are in a lot of pain. You say it has only been three months since you found out? Yeah, that sounds about right- of course you do not feel like you can trust or want to talk to anyone. It will get better- the hurt and pain anyways. It has been over a year since I've told my husband and things have just recently been "good" again but that doesn't mean he isn't still struggling. Anyways, I think the most important thing you said is that she hasn't genuinely apologized and you hinted that she may be sort of not into making things work? Maybe that's not what you meant or maybe you are just feeling so much pain? Has she said she'd like to make it work? Do you?

Hang in there- and also know that although you and I are sort of at different ends of the spectrum, we have one thing in common, along with everyone else here and that is that we are in need of support, and that is exactly what you'll find here!

thanks for your kindness i wonder if mine has any regretts i sent you a pm