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#1
Apr 27, 2014, 01:30 PM
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I no longer have any hope left. When I first sought out the mental health services it was because of that very same thing. I was hopeless and wanted to die. Since then however my situation has only got worse. Approaching the mental health services was my “Hail Mary” play, and I tried my very best to benefit from the treatment and opportunities it provided, but it was all for nothing.
Last month signaled the end of all that for me. The mental health team had assigned me to the wrong type of therapist. She freely admitted that she was the wrong person for the job, but instead of reassigning me, they discharged me. My night classes at collage ended and I hadn’t made any friends there. The art therapy sessions ended. My creative arts group ended. The night club at CADS had its opening night and so volunteer opportunities dried up. The exhibit I was doing with the art group was like judgment day for me. What opportunities had I opened up? What friendships had I fostered? What lasting influence lay beyond? I was so stressed the day of the exhibit that I hadn’t slept for several nights before hand. I knew in my heart that things had failed and almost didn’t go, but instead put on my game face and tried my best one last time. There were several opportunities that had some potential after that day. All seemed rather tentative, but I latched onto the hope they gave me and tried my best to make them work. I will detail them now as well as why they fell short. The first is the new job that I had acquired as a sculptor. I put it first because it is the least of what I need in order to survive. The money would have been nice, as well as the sense of self-worth from working, but it would not provide me with the opportunities for friends and people that would care about me that I need to live a fulfilling life. The job didn’t work out of course. One of the guys who had asked me to work for him decided it was too much like hard work for himself and pulled out; taking what I had produced without paying what he’d promised. The second, more reliable, guy kept on promising and promising job opportunities, but never delivered. And so that was that. The second opportunity given to me was the volunteer work at CADS. The head guy, Simon, told me that he was going to be working on the roof garden and asked if I would like to help out. When the day came, he told me not to bother coming in as they were putting the work back. The next week he told me the same again. The week after that he simply stopped responding to my messages and I haven’t had any contact with CADS since. And so this too fell flat. The third opportunity came from a girl named Anna from the art group. It turned out that Anna and I had met years ago. She had actually been a close friend of my sister back in the day and we had both been in the same year at collage. She was also still friends with many of the people I used to know back then. We were both quite similar people as we came from the same heritage, and as such spoke the same language. We could have been good friends, as well as allowing me to remake contact with those long lost friends from years ago. We’d swapped numbers, but after the exhibit when I asked if she would like to meet up I was ignored. I didn’t press the matter beyond that, not wanting to pester her and hoping that she would do the friendly thing and be in touch. She did not. The last opportunity came from a girl named Rosa. I’m going to go into a bit of detail here partly because it’s the one that was the most painful disappointment, but also because it outlines my problem perfectly and why my life is fundamentally broken. On the day of the exhibit I didn’t want to leave. I knew that once the day was over it was “all over”, so I stayed until the very end. Rosa and I were the last two out the doors that night. As we left she asked if I would like to go for a drink with her. I accepted and we found a nice little pub. We ended up staying there for quite a while and I was amazed at how well the two of us clicked. It’s going to sound stupid, but I ended up falling in love with her that night. We parted ways with a hug and promised to keep in touch. The next week I asked if she would like to meet up again, but she didn’t respond for another week. By the time she’d gotten back to me, what I’d had planned had already passed, so I asked her out again. Once more she didn’t respond. Another week passed and I asked again, making it clear that I was a little upset that she wasn’t making the effort. She got back to me and told me not to worry, but again made no mention of meeting up. After that I just cast it to the winds, ready to give up on her, and told her that if she ever feels like asking me out one day then I’d be happy with that. That weekend she called me up and asked me out. We went out on the town together and had a good night for the second time. The next week I heard about a band that was playing and wanted to go. I asked Rosa if she would like to come with me. She didn’t reply until hours after the gig had started. It actually worked out quite well as we ended up chatting on the phone together for ages. At the end of our conversation we agreed to meet up the next weekend. As the weekend approached I messaged her, but got no response. I rang her, but she didn’t pick up the phone. I sent another message asking her what was going on, but again she didn’t respond. I sent one final message in which I told her that I had strong feelings for her and that I was upset and confused by her hot and cold nature. This one she responded to, telling me that she doesn’t feel the same and that she has “real friends” that she wants to spend her time with and that I am just “an acquaintance from art group” and to politely leave her alone. And this here is why I will never be happy. Every person I meet already has an established life. They have friends; family; husbands; wives. When they go out they want to affirm their existing friendships, not make the effort with the “acquaintance” they just met. When Rosa invited me out that one time, it was not to strengthen our budding friendship, it was because she had asked everyone else and they had said that they were busy. I was the last resort - the scrapings at the bottom of the barrel. And then, after making the effort to become friends I am accused of harassment. Damned if I do. Damned if I don’t. What is the alternative? Leave it to fate like I did with Anna. It might seem like I am focusing on just two people here, but trust me, this has been the same two results from every single person I have met for the last three years. Because of this I have ended up completely alone. Every day is the same day. I wake up. I get dressed. I make a cup of tea and then I just wait for the day to end. Every pastime I have has gotten old and tired. All the joy has vanished from my life. It was almost bearable when I knew that in a few days, a week, a month, I might have something to do. But now all my threads have come to an end and I’m facing an endless, empty ocean of loneliness. I’m not living any more. We are reaching summer and most people are going to be out there making memories and having fun. But what memories am I going to have while I stare out the window at a world that has unanimously rejected me? I spent the whole year like this last year, but at least then I had my sister and her snobbish friends looking down at me. Now I don’t even have that. And the year before that was the same, although I had an abusive girlfriend during that time. I just can’t spend another year like this again; not without some sort of promise for the future. I’m just so tired of every offer of friendship being rejected, every love been unrequited, every opportunity been a disappointment. I move through life experiencing a sequence of “last chances” and each and every one falls short. I no longer feel as though I am a normal person. I see other people living happy lives surrounded by friends and treated with love and respect and wonder why I am denied the same. The isolation I have experienced over the last few years has twisted my mind into something strange. I view existence so differently now. Everything feels fated and full of omens. It feels as though I am being punished or tortured for some unknown reason. I no longer have any fears or concern for consequences because nothing can be worse than inaction. I am falling into a pattern of self-neglect because I simply do not feel the need to maintain a body that I hate inhabiting. I think about suicide all the time, but I cannot bring myself to go through with it. I do not want to die. I want to live! I want to be happy! But it’s just so far away and out of reach and impossible. Last edited by Djinn8; Apr 27, 2014 at 02:20 PM. |
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#2
Apr 27, 2014, 01:43 PM
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Trust me, there ARE other lonely people looking for friends in the world. You sound very creative and interesting. I recently found a new friend-to-be waiting in line to check in at the dentist. I know my time here on pc and my past few years in therapy made me better able to take advantage of this opportunity. We are many of us on a similar path. I hope you will stick around.
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#3
Apr 27, 2014, 02:48 PM
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Sorry to hear about the therapist who was wrong for you (and then they discharged you instead of re-assigning you to another therapist). When classes end, there are others in future that you can take. If you do not make friends in a class, perhaps it is because the other people are not there for the purpose of making friends (maybe they are there just for the class?). As you've mentioned that your art therapy ended - is it possible to start art therapy again? Is there another creative arts group that will start? Are there some other opportunities for doing volunteering? Even though an exhibit feels stressful, is it possible to plan for another exhibit? - artists do exhibits - so go ahead and organize your next one. In your efforts to make friends - perhaps you are seeming to be wanting more contact than the other people want, and if they don't really have that much time - then - that's the way it can sometimes be with busy people. Especially with people who already have marriages or families - they are already busy, so it doesn't surprise me that they don't have time. Perhaps it would be more useful for you to find people who are in "single" circumstances, and who are looking for connections/friendships. And - it is understandable that you would feel like that "last resort" at times. Perhaps it would be better for you to focus less on wanting friendships, and allow yourself to meet others in a way that is less intense/clingy/needy. Maybe get involved in a variety of activities where you can meet people. There are options.
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#4
Apr 27, 2014, 03:18 PM
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Quote:
Take this as an example: I was asked to write and run a Dungeons and Dragons game for a group of people. I ran the game hoping that it could become a regular thing. We didn't finish it in the one night and arranged to play again the next week. I prepare the game again, but the night before it was due to happen I get a message saying that it was been called off and they were doing something else instead. Everyone who had been to the game was invited out for this new thing, but not me. I got on well with these people. We laughed and joked and had fun together, but I am treated like an outsider and excluded when it comes to the crunch. Why? Several months later I bump into a couple of these people again. They say that they are thinking of running another game and invite me to join. Several months pass while they arrange it. Over that time I speak with them two more times in passing. They promise me that they are doing it soon, but then when the time came they did it without me. Why? What possible trouble could it have been for them to invite me along as well? You say that people do not have much time. Yes some people are busy and they have to assign their time. Why then am I assigned so little by everyone I meet. And by so little I mean two evenings over the space of three years. It is especially hurtful when it comes to example such as above where it's not about having the time but simple exclusion. Take this situation with Rosa that I mentioned in my first post. I have her messages in my phone. She had said some very nice things about me and about how glad she is to meet me, but when it comes to backing those words, what time was I worth to her? A single evening. Out of her entire life, my company was worth no more than a few hours. Last edited by Djinn8; Apr 27, 2014 at 04:27 PM. |
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#5
Apr 27, 2014, 03:34 PM
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Without my knowing the other people involved, the answer to your questions is not known by me. But - it would seem to me that people make their various connections according to how these meet their own needs - so there might be some other aspects to their activities that affect their decisions about what and with whom they do things. And, if they have different levels of involvement in various activities, then it becomes easy for them to cancel at the last minute (even tho you invested your time). Maybe they perceive a different level or direction of interest in various activities, in comparison to your interest. Maybe they developed new interests in various games, etc. - and wanted to head toward the newness. Maybe they were not aiming for a regular game thing. This reminds me of a time when my partner and I were living in another city, so he would come up with an idea of something fun to do - we would go out and do that, but if I suggested the same thing next time - he would decline (and seemed to lack interest anymore in that activity) - so this is how I came to try to understand about how us humans like new things to do. As for not inviting you, people can be positive, but they want different experiences from their interactions. Another example, I can remember wanting to meet people for friendship, so I made the effort to phone someone - but when I phoned her it's the wrong time of day so she's busy with her kids; yet on another occasion she suggested we go out to a couple of movies - but I only want to stay for one movie and then leave -yet she then starts clinging at me to stay for the second movie (meeting my reluctance). Maybe it's about fit and compatibility? How to find people who want to do the same thing that each other wants? Or more recently, there was a friendly guy inviting me for dinner from time to time, so I would go (but did not enjoy our interactions much), and he keeps coming up with ideas of things he wants to do - but I find I keep experiencing reluctance and coming up with reasons to not go (along with that same feeling of being "last resort" - or "babysitting" him when his girlfriend is not available). So - do things get complicated? If you want more people around, plan some of your own parties or activities and invite who you like. Of course, you are worth.
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#6
Apr 27, 2014, 04:12 PM
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Quote:
Here's a list of the people I have met over the last few years since I move home: Deane (ex-girlfriends best friend) - Didn't like me much. Actively sabotaged my relationship by setting my girlfriend up with other men. Gav (My best friend from when I lived in my old house) - Used to spend most days together. Since moving I'm lucky if we talk on the phone once every 6 months. Every attempt I have made to meet up has been rejected. Usually he agrees to meet up, but then switches his phone off on the day. Bekie and Rob (My Sister and Bro-in-law) - They used to invite me to come around to their house for tea, but the second some activity come up I was excluded. They treat me like a lesser person most of the time and have no respect for me at all. Sara and Bob (Friends of my sister). - Known Sara for 6+ years. Get on quite well when we meet. They've never once invited me out. They plan their weekend with people in front of me while not including me. Adam (another friend of my sisters) - Refuses to even speak to me when in the same room. Has never so much as tried to start a conversation with me. Any attempt to start conversation on my behalf is met with sneers and one word responses. Cris (yet another friend of my sisters) - Known the guy for 10+ years. Use to be regular patrons of the same pub back when I had a social life. Talks to me and is friendly enough, but doesn't know my name after all these years. Kerry and John (guess what, friends of my sisters) - Of all my sisters friends, these two are the ones I got on with the best. Really enjoyed their company. They were the ones who excluded me from the role-playing game. I carried a bit of a torch for Kerry. After she broke up with John she asked me out, but she was only trying to make her self feel better. After using me emotionally, she ditched me. I was upset and it caused a rift between us. My sister and bro-in-law took her side and I became estranged from my family. Various People from Rock Climbing - every one of them was single serving friend for the day and never seen again. Various girls from OKCupid - never met a girl once from online. Talked to three for months. Got stood up by two of them when they agreed to meet up. Various people from Ceramics Class - Some are nice, but they are generally much older than me. People from CADS - Already mentioned above. I built a huge wooden statue for them in the courtyard of the club, but when it came to making the promotional video, they edited me out and focused on the more photogenic guy in as he built the support frame. People from Art Group - Already mentioned above. People from SWG Society - Know most of them through my Dad. Almost all of them are older than me and have known me since I was a little kid. None of them consider me a friend or treat me like my own person, just as my fathers son. Last edited by Djinn8; Apr 27, 2014 at 04:25 PM. |
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#7
Apr 27, 2014, 04:36 PM
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Seems like there's a bunch of "friends of sisters" or your Dad - so maybe that's got something to do with how things result? As for online - I'm no expert - but this is something that I personally probably would not pursue. Those of an older age - this might be a factor in their perception of the extent to which they do or do not wish to get involved with someone younger. The rock climbing - perhaps they are mostly interested in the rock climbing rather than pursuit of any long-term involvement? When going to an activity, perhaps people are maintaining a safe distance from others (not just you) - in order for them to focus on the activity without feeling trapped in someone else's relationship pursuits. Maybe there's an art therapist who could help with some individual work and then some group work towards understanding and navigating groups, in terms of various wants and expectations. For eg., if I was going to a group, then I would not want to be made to feel that I have obligation to provide any other group member with a level of interaction that I am not ready for. Friendships and close relationships probably have to have some mutuality (or reciprocity) without impositions. This is the intricacy of human relationships - which level of relationship does each person want, or feel ready for, etc. So - my suggestion is to try some other activities, or groups.
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#8
Apr 27, 2014, 04:42 PM
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You want to know what it is like being me. I have the perfect analogy.
Imagine been trapped underwater. You're drowning and searching for air. There in the distance you see an air pocket and are filled with the energy and the drive to survive. You swim towards it only to find that it was an illusion. You scream and some air escapes your lungs. You are that much close to drowning, but still searching for air. You see another air pocket, but again it proves to be another illusion. You are running out of air and close to drowning. You search around for another pocket, but there are none in sight. You want to inhale, but know that it would mean your death, so you keep holding your breath. Your chest is bursting and you don't know how much longer you can hold on. There in the distance you see another pocket. You swim towards it and pray that this one is real. |
 waiting4
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#9
Apr 27, 2014, 08:18 PM
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Is it that you search for voice? Or the understanding of another? Or caring? Or companionship? Or mutual liking? How would you describe what it is that you are searching for?
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#10
Apr 27, 2014, 08:28 PM
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Just a thought---are you comfortable asking any of the above listed people why they don't include you?
It could go something like, "I've noticed that I'm a person who likes to be around others but I rarely get invited anywhere. Could you give me some honest feedback as to how others perceive me?" It might make at least one of the people you've listed aware that they are excluding you and perhaps there really is no reason for it. If there is a reason, then you can evaluate what they say and perhaps find better situations where you will meet people you have a lot more in common with. The times in my life, when I've been alone, are when I've done a lot of volunteering. My goal was not to make friends, but to be around other people involved in an activity I enjoyed. If people started inviting me somewhere, that was just a bonus, but I tried to relax a bit about making friends. Since your one volunteering opportunity disappeared, could you find another? |
 healingme4me, waiting4
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#11
Apr 27, 2014, 08:30 PM
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Quote:
Something like that. I don't expect someone to encompass all that I want, but some would be nice. |
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#12
Apr 27, 2014, 08:35 PM
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#13
Apr 28, 2014, 03:48 AM
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I went through the same until I moved cities. I realised that sometimes things don't work out because we are in the wrong place. At least that was the case for me. The Universe was trying to send me a message that I needed to start my life fresh and move to a different location. As I changed locations, things started to change for me and people were the ones calling me to go out and everyone wanted to be my friend. Work opportunities came. The last city I lived in was a nightmare. Abusive situations, abusive uncaring people, just one bad thing after the next. People would ignore me and treat me like crap. It was not only due to age difference, personality differences, being of a different nationality and ethnicity but it was also due to different life experiences.
The law of attraction suggests that you should ask for what you want. Start making positive affirmations "I am worthy of having friends who care and love me" "I am worthy to be find a job where I will be happy and valued and make new friends". Sometimes we have bad things happening to us because deep down we don't really believe anything good can happen to us. That was my case and also the fact that I was in the wrong place. I started telling myself those things. I had a very low self esteem and only attracted people who would hurt and disappoint me. I started loving myself and standing up for myself. I stopped attracting men who were only there to abuse me. Having been abused by my father, I subconsiously only attracted abusive men. I had to cleanse my karma and my aura. Sometimes things don't work out because it is the Universe's way of saying "it's time to move somewhere else". That was the case for me and I don't know if that's the case for you. When nothing works out...it's sometimes time to move to a new place. It could also be that you're in a time where you are getting to know yourself. Sometimes the universe will withhold friendships from us because we need to learn to spend time with ourselves and love our own company and reflect on the deeper meaning in life. You need to reach inner happiness and peace. When that cycle ends, your new cycle with friends will start. Trust me, good things are coming your way. Believe it. You are the master of every situation. You create your own future and you create your own happiness. You are a great guy and you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. All those rejections you have experienced have made you stronger, better and have taught you the importance of including others. You will be a very compassionate person and maybe you'll even help a lot of people overcome the kind of things you had to overcome. I used to think that something about me maybe was pushing people away. Maybe my emotional reactions or maybe I was too self centered? I certainly have stopped talking to a lot of people because they were so self-absorbed and only talked about themselves and never asked me anything about my life and didn't take an interest in me. It was only about them, them, them. Also they lacked empathy and concern when I would share certain things with them. I'm always extra careful not to do that with other people. Sometimes there are times when it's OK to listen to someone and let them do all the talking bc they need to be listened to but if that's all there is in a friendship it's not healthy. So I looked inside myself and discovered that I was actually a very good listened and I'm fun person to be around and I make people feel good about themselves. I did lack some things though like I'm not good at talking about intellectual things. I'm more a heart person. And a lot of people were not wanting to be my friends because of that. I seemed stupid to them. They talked condescendingly to me. That is one area I'm trying to improve. Also I used to overshare about my emotions and life and I lost a lot of potential friends bc of this. And then with other people I didn't open up enough when they needed it and I also lost a lot of potential friends. Find areas where you need to improve so you don't push people away. Not saying that you push people away I'm sure you're a very good person but I mean we all do things we're not aware of. Hope I haven't offended you saying all this. Good luck !!! |
| healingme4me
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#14
Apr 28, 2014, 04:01 AM
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Thank you Flower. Sadly I don't think I can move. When I came to be in the house I currently live in I did so because I inherited it. I moved in with my girlfriend and were supposed to be starting a family. She cheated on me and that never happened however. Ever since I've been a reverent haunting a broken home. But I can't leave. I do not really own the house, so I can't sell it (I'm more like it's custodian) and I don't have any money. I've looked into other places to live, but the best I can find is double my current rent, which I can't afford. I'm kind of stuck where I am. I need to work in order to move, but no one will give me a job and I don't make nearly enough money to survive from my art alone.
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#15
Apr 28, 2014, 08:37 AM
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second, it sounds like you are trying waay too hard...relax and start up simple conversation with random people everywhere you go. third, not everyone you meet is going to turn out to be a friend, i know hundreds of people, but i hang out with few..i call occasionally when i want or need companionship, if they are not available i go out and meet more people fourth, i wouldn't worry too much about other people's lives appearances on the outside..most people in relationships like the ones you mentioned put on the "happy face" in public and social functions, just because they appear happy in public doesn't mean that life isn't hell behind closed doors fifth, most of the dating sites are crap, but hey it's worth a shot,action is better than inaction. sixth, you gotta make yourself presentable(attractive). you don't necessarily have to have the most expensive clothes or anything like that..but they should be clean and look nice. i hope this helps and good luck
__________________
I have learned that i and i alone am responsible for my happiness, most people these days are as reliable as wet toilet paper!  
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| danvb
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#16
Apr 28, 2014, 01:06 PM
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Let me ask you a question. What would you do in this situation:
You meet someone at some group and over the course of a few months you get to know each other and become friends. The group comes to an end and you swap numbers and promise to keep in touch. A week or so later you message this person. There's no response. A week later they DO respond, saying "Sorry, life's been busy. Yes lets meet up sometime. What are you doing next week?". You send a message telling them that you have no plans and are free to meet up if they want to. There is no response. Do you message this person again or give up on them? - See, I'd give it a week or so and message them again. I'd be getting a bit frustrated because I'd feel like I was been messed around and that might show. That's because I've been in this situation so many time that it's getting infuriating. I'd not be overt about it, just slip it in there such as saying: "Hi, trying to plan my weekend. Been invited to X, but not really that keen. You want to meet up instead at Y?" Then they go: "Oh my God, you are so needy!" ^ Literally every potential friend for years now. |
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#17
Apr 28, 2014, 02:17 PM
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First, I do agree with everyones suggestions and also would like to mention, that thru your post, you DO sound a bit on the needy side, and perhaps that shows. Nothing like the smell of desperation to spoil a possible friendship. Trying2survive hit the nail on the head, also. See, you would call me a 'terrible friend' because I rarely if ever go out with friends when they invite, and in fact I avoid any possiblility by constantly being 'too busy'. It's a lie. I'm just scared. I hate going out places.....if I eventually feel I need people, I may invite them over to my apt...but just before they arrive I wish I hadn't. I'm often relieved if they call and cancel, although I'm careful not to show it. On the outside, I'm a great 'friend'. But inside, I just want to be alone.
Yes, most dating sites are crap, but you picked the worst of the bunch...Cupid is known online as being a disaster in the making as most people on it are frauds and are only on it to catfish people. eHarmony is a better site, if you really want to use one....I've made several 'friends' on there--thankfully, they are all out of state so I don't actually have to entertain them. I haven't found 'the one' and I'm not looking....strangely enough, that's how I keep finding relationships...by not looking for them. Oh, and yes I gather you would be upset if that 'situation' kept happeing to you and also understand that you might give off vibes that you're irritated. But you have to remember, although this 'keeps happening to' you....THEY don't know that. For them it's the first time. It's a little like if I got angry at a donor because they came in late---fact is, I see dozens of donors all day long....but they only see one of me. I have to treat them as if they're the first person I've seen all day. No matter how aggrivated a previous donor might have made me. Take care 
__________________
 Sometimes the opening of wings is more frightening than the challenge against gravity. Both make you free..............the secret is perception. |
| Harmacy, trying2survive
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#18
Apr 28, 2014, 03:07 PM
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First I want to touch on the friend from group who you got along with for months...
People compartmentalize relationships, that friend may have only seen you as a "group friend" or you'd have exhanged contact details ages before group even ended, and had you been real friends contact would have remained long after. Me for instance, I have friends I talk relationship, life stuff with, I have friends I only do light hearted stuff with, and I have friends I confide in regarding my bipolar and stuff... They all serve different emotional needs, all my eggs are never in one basket (it might get heavy and break) and in my experience, this is how many people navigate different relationships... Now, all these friends of your sister's? Stands to reason that if things went sour between you and her that her friends would remain hers (kind of like with a couple's divorce) so its not really surprizing that they're not your friends now. And even if they pulled away from you before the Kerry incident, still kind of makes sense (atleast to me) because they're relationships she has cultivated and thus they may not feel the need to befriend you as well. Like my brother and I are friends, we hang out together just the 2 of us quite regularly, but we only have 1 mutual friend. I get along with all of his friends like a house on fire when they visit, (you would never say its not my friends too) but I only get invited to things if HE thinks I'll enjoy it, and thus extends an invite. They don't invite us both to their parties or whatnot. I don't think it even occurs to them to include me and that's ok, they're his friends, not mine... You said you can't sell, are there rules against renting? It would create an opportunity for you to move to a new location as well as provide a stable income.
__________________
 DXD BP1, BPD & OCPD  "The best way to make it through with hearts and wrists in tact, is to realise, two out of three aint bad" FOB...
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| trying2survive
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#19
Apr 28, 2014, 03:33 PM
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I do not know how old you are. I did not meet my husband until I was 34-5. I applaud your volunteer work. I would work harder on getting a job so you will have more money or on volunteering and being in clubs or school, being out where there are people. I would work first on finding another good guy friend so maybe you can become part of a group of guys and that might naturally bring you into contact with more girls, rather than trying to get friends of my sister to notice me. If you remember the names of some of the others in the group you use to hang with, call them up out of the blue and say "hi" and see if you can get together since your one contact (Rosa?) did not work for that.
As I am sure you know, people who are part of a couple or group have a much more complicated social life and it can be very hard for people to break in from the "outside" because the dynamics are so complicated. There is a lot of spontaneous getting together at the last minute and unless you are "there" then, no one is thinking of those they can't "see". It would not occur to me to say, "Oh, wait, let me call Djinn8. . ." not because I wouldn't want you along but because where we are going, how we're getting there, when it start, who's going with whom and all the actions are so immediate and getting a "group" to wait, doesn't usually happen. Getting the "ball rolling" all in one direction, if you suddenly/late throw another person in there, that is like a bump in the road. The energy to do something "new" takes up all the room and there is no room for "extra" in that case. As far as meeting single women, I would hang out where single women might hang out, in a cooking or other class (music, travel, books/reading), where there are schools/teachers/children, etc. Become part of a group as part of the group. Volunteering usually makes you part of a volunteer's group so pay attention to that group rather than the group you are volunteering for? You were hosting a D&D, that makes you the host rather than one of the many others; be part of a many other (like in your walking but there are perhaps not enough people there or any continuation possible (you walk and then you're done; people may or may not show up for another walk)). I am a girl and met a good girlfriend as part of a library group, working over time on the book sales they had. We "shared" an older women whom we thought of as a mentor of sorts. The three of us often went out together and the older woman had me over for a holiday dinner when I was not invited anywhere else. The girlfriend and I did Irish pub crawling together and went to a concert to see Makem & Clancy, etc. I helped her move. Get a few guy friends to hang with and play football with every 2nd Saturday or something? You'll all go to a pub afterwards for a pint and then you can hit on their sisters and their sister's friends 
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"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius |
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#20
Apr 28, 2014, 04:29 PM
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if people really want to see you, they'll call/text/e mail until then you have to keep living your life, can't let it revolve around one person. contact other people this is why they are telling you you are so needy, i am only needy with my gf/so not with friends EVER.. that is a big NO NO
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I have learned that i and i alone am responsible for my happiness, most people these days are as reliable as wet toilet paper!
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#21
Apr 28, 2014, 04:45 PM
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The biggest part of the problem is that before i live where I do now I spent almost all of my adult life in a rather small, self-contained, community. Everyone knew everyone. Even the people who didn't like each other were forced to interact because they were neighbors. sometimes you would be popular, other times not so much, but no matter what you had a place and belonged! But been here in the city, it's really different. I can't walk to the shops and bump into someone I know - I'm lucky if I pass someone who speaks the same language. Instead its about having a circle of peers that contact one another and arrange meetings. I mentioned my sisters friends a lot because when I first moved here my sister was my only social contact, and as such, her friends became my peers. Not one of them was welcoming or friendly however. But it is not that these people are not friendly, they just weren't friendly towards me.
Example: I was around my sisters house and a few of her friends were around. The house next door had recently been sold and the owner (landlord not occupant) was there to check over the place. My sister and hubby invite the guy in. They make small talk and invite the guy to a dinner party. They make the effort to make friends with a complete stranger with as tentative a connection as that, but they exclude the brother of their best friend who they have known for a long time. Is it any wonder that I feel victimized here? No matter. As I said, after Kerry played me for a fool, my sister and I parted ways because she valued her friendship with Kerry over that of her brother, even though what she had done was wrong. Last night I was talking to Rosa by text. She kept on messaging me. Saying variations of the same thing: that I am a great person and worthy of friendship. When I'd responded she would flip and accuse me of harassment. I asked her why she was messaging me when she was making it clear that she didn't want to know me. She told me that she was enjoying teasing me. Cruel. Last edited by Djinn8; Apr 28, 2014 at 04:58 PM. |
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#22
Apr 28, 2014, 04:55 PM
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Contact other people? If there are other people to contact, this wouldn't be a problem in the first place. On the rare occasion that I have a few people I can contact at the same time. I'm just faced with the same predicament with each person. I can spread my contact out between them, but then things are left to go cold. |
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#23
Apr 28, 2014, 04:56 PM
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Personally, I would find a mental health support group to hang with. In the States we often have groups at hospitals or community centers, "Depression support groups", etc. or I'd see if I could find a nicer group of people at a local church. It can take awhile before one becomes familiar enough for a group to let one in, just like it can take a few meetings before you become friends with another for sure.
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"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius |
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#24
Apr 28, 2014, 05:05 PM
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When I'm at groups and stuff, I'm actually quite popular. Being in places like that triggers hypomania and when I'm in that state I'm actually very charismatic and magnetic. Enough so that I see other people who are quieter than me look on with a measure of jealousy that I integrate so well. Of course all the people who ARE drawn to me during this time are not real friends. They are not there after the fact . They are with their real friends and I am ultimately alone.
Most of the groups that I do attend(ed) are associated with mental health support groups. I thought it would be a more accepting place and the people would be less judgmental, but not really. The people who are confident and well enough to form a connection with me are confident and well enough to judge me too. Those who aren't well enough, I struggle to connect with myself because they are too closed off. |
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#25
Apr 28, 2014, 05:11 PM
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__________________
I have learned that i and i alone am responsible for my happiness, most people these days are as reliable as wet toilet paper!
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| Reply |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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