[MusicalRaven]

Hi. I'm getting really confused about the problems I'm having with my best friend of almost 15 years. We've been friends though high school and college, she's married now and is pregnant. I've never really liked kids but i'm willing to try for her, I just don't know why I don't feel excited for her like I should. I feel ashamed about that because I know this is an exciting time in her life and I feel like she doesn't think she can share it with me.

A little bit of backstory, I was diagnosed with Major Depression a year and a half ago and since then it's been very difficult for me to tell her how I'm feeling without seeming really self centered. I really like hanging out with her and we used to hang out a lot, like 1-4 times a week. Now it's lucky if I see her 1-2 times a month. She basically has told me that she feels like she has been my main pillar to lean on for a while and she can't handle it anymore. Now that she's pregnant she says that I'm self centered and that I should be more happy for her. I tried to tell her that I want to be happy for her but I can't help but feel like I'm losing her as a friend. She doesn't confide in me anymore and she basically doesn't go out with me unless I beg her.

We had a bit of a spat on Friday. She called me an "apocalyptic self centered narcissist" because I'm worried that she won't have time for me anymore once the baby gets here. I didn't know that I was a narcissist and when I asked my other friends about it they seemed really upset that she would say that to me and said that she must be "having issues because she's pregnant."

I don't know what to do. I want to hang out with her but I'm afraid that I will confront her and say something I'll regret or she doesn't like and she'll eventually cut me out of her life.

So confused. Any ideas?

Originally Posted by MusicalRaven

Hi. I'm getting really confused about the problems I'm having with my best friend of almost 15 years. We've been friends though high school and college, she's married now and is pregnant. I've never really liked kids but i'm willing to try for her, I just don't know why I don't feel excited for her like I should. I feel ashamed about that because I know this is an exciting time in her life and I feel like she doesn't think she can share it with me.

A little bit of backstory, I was diagnosed with Major Depression a year and a half ago and since then it's been very difficult for me to tell her how I'm feeling without seeming really self centered. I really like hanging out with her and we used to hang out a lot, like 1-4 times a week. Now it's lucky if I see her 1-2 times a month. She basically has told me that she feels like she has been my main pillar to lean on for a while and she can't handle it anymore. Now that she's pregnant she says that I'm self centered and that I should be more happy for her. I tried to tell her that I want to be happy for her but I can't help but feel like I'm losing her as a friend. She doesn't confide in me anymore and she basically doesn't go out with me unless I beg her.

We had a bit of a spat on Friday. She called me an "apocalyptic self centered narcissist" because I'm worried that she won't have time for me anymore once the baby gets here. I didn't know that I was a narcissist and when I asked my other friends about it they seemed really upset that she would say that to me and said that she must be "having issues because she's pregnant."

I don't know what to do. I want to hang out with her but I'm afraid that I will confront her and say something I'll regret or she doesn't like and she'll eventually cut me out of her life.

So confused. Any ideas?

I see a few things going on here. First of all, you've admitted that you dont' even like kids so it's kind of hard for you to be excited for her for something that you have no interest in or even a distaste for. I'm sure she feels that. Also you've mentioned you hve a fear she won't have any time for you, so that's clouding your ability to actually appreciate the good that is coming for her, you see it as a negative impact on your life.

Second she's pregnant. I am sure you know all the hormonal things that go on with a pregnant woman, so keep in mind everything she feels is amplified right now.

You're very much worried about yourself over the well being of your friend and her happiness, rather than seeing the gift that a child can be to you're friend you're focused on the above things I've replied to.

Of course it's affecting your relationship. Just in your short post here I can feel the negativity in your perspective in the situation, the changes coming and how you might lose a friend or at least have less time with her. As strongly as it comes across in this post, I don't doubt it comes through in your conversations with her and is affecting things for the worst.

[MusicalRaven]

So basically what I'm getting is yes i am being self centered and a narcissist. I don't get the whole being pregnant being this magical time. She seems miserable, always nauseous and sick.

So what should I do, just leave her alone? Let her be until she's ready to talk to me again? Or just wait until I feel differently? I don't know.

I hate to think that I'm causing her undue stress, which is probably what's happening. I guess I should just keep my big mouth shut. I hate that my only friend that really listens doesn't want to be around me anymore.

Originally Posted by MusicalRaven

So basically what I'm getting is yes i am being self centered and a narcissist. I don't get the whole being pregnant being this magical time. She seems miserable, always nauseous and sick.

So what should I do, just leave her alone? Let her be until she's ready to talk to me again? Or just wait until I feel differently? I don't know.

I hate to think that I'm causing her undue stress, which is probably what's happening. I guess I should just keep my big mouth shut. I hate that my only friend that really listens doesn't want to be around me anymore.

I wouldn't go as far as saying you're being narcissistic. I am sorry if I implied that I thought that. Just because someone isn't able to empathize about a certain situation, does not make them automatically narcissistic. That's human nature. Unless your whole life is all self absorbed and such I wouldn't call it that. From your post I don't gather that and a narcissist probably wouldn't even be able to see this.

Well if you want to be around her and improve the situation, it really comes down to you just trying to understand how significant it is for people. Unless it's an unwanted pregnancy it is indeed a special and welcome time, even with all the pain and suffering it causes physically women still look forward to pregnancy and motherhood. You don't have to know what it's like to empathize with it. sometimes we just have to accept that it's not something we'll understand and then just appreciate that if it makes her happy, be happy for her.

Try not to feel so anti-children. I can understand if you've had bad experiences and that your goals in life may not include children, but if you want a continuing relationship with this friend this is something that will need to change in you because she is going to have a child and your friendship will now include that. IT will only cause undue stress on your relationship if you keep this mindset. Kids can be a good thing and a blessing. Be glad that you're not the one having him/her, because you won't hve the responsibilities but you can enjoy the fun that children's laughter brings.

Can I ask why it is that you do not like children, if you know?

[MusicalRaven]

I have some real issues with my mother, who is severely mentally ill. when I told her my friend was pregnant she was happy for her bit then started to talk about when she was pregnant with me which is a bit of a sore spot for me since I was conceived 6 weeks after she miscarried with the child she actually wanted. She's gone so far as to tell me that she would have gotten an abortion if my dad hadn't been pro-life. And that's just the beginning.

Also children are usually super loud and obnoxious which usually makes me tense and really annoyed.

Originally Posted by MusicalRaven

I have some real issues with my mother, who is severely mentally ill. when I told her my friend was pregnant she was happy for her bit then started to talk about when she was pregnant with me which is a bit of a sore spot for me since I was conceived 6 weeks after she miscarried with the child she actually wanted. She's gone so far as to tell me that she would have gotten an abortion if my dad hadn't been pro-life. And that's just the beginning.

Also children are usually super loud and obnoxious which usually makes me tense and really annoyed.

you only notice the loud and obnoxious ones because, well, they are the loud and obnoxious ones. Many children are not always like that.

I understand your issues with your mother. I was the "mistake" and was reminded of that for years. the youngest of 4 children I grew up being the burden. I can relate but at the same time, with my 3 kids I can do what I can to be what my parents were not. It doesnt' reflect on my perspective of them but that I want to make sure they know that they are wanted and appreciated growing up being a single dad, the entire responsibility of this is on my shoulders so I kind of am a child advocate for these reasons... not anti parent child advocate but just feel strongly about them

[Nightside of Eden]

It sounds to me like your friend may have unrealistic expectations of you. It's unfair and unrealistic to expect our friends to be interested in every aspect of our lives, and it sounds like your friend is expecting everyone to be interested in and excited about her pregnancy. For example, I work repairing computers and my best friend is a total techno-phobe. She's glad I enjoy what I do and that it's going well for me, but has zero interest in hearing about the improved RAM efficiency in Mavericks. It would be disrespectful of me to prattle on about techy stuff to her and expect her to be interested. Likewise, it's disrespectful of your friend to expect you to be excited about a baby when you have no interest in babies.

Frankly, I think your friend is the one who sounds selfish and self-involved.

Originally Posted by Nightside of Eden

It sounds to me like your friend may have unrealistic expectations of you. It's unfair and unrealistic to expect our friends to be interested in every aspect of our lives, and it sounds like your friend is expecting everyone to be interested in and excited about her pregnancy. For example, I work repairing computers and my best friend is a total techno-phobe. She's glad I enjoy what I do and that it's going well for me, but has zero interest in hearing about the improved RAM efficiency in Mavericks. It would be disrespectful of me to prattle on about techy stuff to her and expect her to be interested. Likewise, it's disrespectful of your friend to expect you to be excited about a baby when you have no interest in babies.

Frankly, I think your friend is the one who sounds selfish and self-involved.

I don't know that from her post I could go as far as saying she's being disrespectful. I see something else going on here. For a long time she has been dependent on this friend for a lot of things, and now that is threatened. so on the OP's part she's having trouble dealing with the fear of what's to come. I'm not saying she's wrong either but just that it seems like that's affecting their interactions.

The pregnant friend is not necessarily being unrealistic. She did not say "you should be excited, appreciate kids" etc, but that she'd like her friend to be more happy for her having a child. That's not unreasonable. That's not asking her to start loving kids or anything but just be happy something good is happening in her life.

Her friend also mentioned not being able to handle all of it right now. Apparently she feels that the OP depends so much on her that she is feeling a lot of pressure and being pregnant most women are very low on resources and are not typically as available mentally and emotionally to others. Having been through 3 pregnancies, I can vouch for the fact that women that are pregnant need more emotional and mental support and typically cannot give as much. That's what her friend is voicing, as I see it anyway.

I don't see her friend as being selfish and self absorbed, but pregnant. It messes with women's entire being for 9 months and sometimes longer.. their hormones are off, they're dealing with 2 people. Their focus does go inward and it's not something I'd ever judge of a pregnant woman.

Also, I don't see either person being selfish or unreasonable here but that they are facing a new phase in their relationship and it's changing. It's inevitable that it's going to change and it's scary for the OP, which is understandable. both the pregnant friend and the OP are dealing with stress from various things and it's affecting their relationship. I don't see ither of them being inherently wrong or ba d in the relationship.

[Nightside of Eden]

Well, I've lost friends because they got pregnant and wouldn't talk about anything else, so I tend to assume that's the problem. I also tend to feel that child-free women are treated as selfish by society on many levels. There's nothing wrong with having zero interest in children or subjects related to them.

Plus calling someone an "apocalyptic self centered narcissist" automatically makes me think the speaker is projecting, because that's not the way a good, caring person talks to their friends. Especially since the OP was only voicing a totally valid concern about her friend not having time for her anymore.

There's a vibe in some of the posts here that it's somehow "wrong" to not like children, when in fact that's no more wrong than not liking computers or gaming or snow-boarding or any other interest. We can't expect our friends to change what they like simply because our lives have changed to include that thing.

Originally Posted by Nightside of Eden

There's a vibe in some of the posts here that it's somehow "wrong" to not like children, when in fact that's no more wrong than not liking computers or gaming or snow-boarding or any other interest. We can't expect our friends to change what they like simply because our lives have changed to include that thing.

Umm you're likening children to computers and snowboarding? seriously?

First the problem with "not liking" children is lumping them into a big stereotypical group. The same as grouping all 20 yr olds or 50 yr olds or other age group. people are individuals I would not say one should LIKE children any more than I say they should dislike them. My point being every child is an individual. Just like a person from any age group. to say one doesn't like people of a certain age group is just ludicrous, since you can't KNOW every one of them in that particular age group.

[MusicalRaven]

Originally Posted by Nightside of Eden

Well, I've lost friends because they got pregnant and wouldn't talk about anything else, so I tend to assume that's the problem. I also tend to feel that child-free women are treated as selfish by society on many levels. There's nothing wrong with having zero interest in children or subjects related to them.

Plus calling someone an "apocalyptic self centered narcissist" automatically makes me think the speaker is projecting, because that's not the way a good, caring person talks to their friends. Especially since the OP was only voicing a totally valid concern about her friend not having time for her anymore.

There's a vibe in some of the posts here that it's somehow "wrong" to not like children, when in fact that's no more wrong than not liking computers or gaming or snow-boarding or any other interest. We can't expect our friends to change what they like simply because our lives have changed to include that thing.

I'm glad that I'm not the only person who feels like a single woman with no children gets looked down upon in this society. I think for me I don't really like children because I didn't like my childhood or my mother and don't want to screw up a child that I would have.

My best friend has been there for the ups and downs in my life and I've tried to be there for hers. She's harder to read, she offers less information about herself and sometimes she just plain refuses to share anything. I want to be there for her but I feel like either something is holding me back or pushing me away.

[Nightside of Eden]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Umm you're likening children to computers and snowboarding? seriously?

Yes. They're a part of your life, just like your hobbies and career are--a part some people will be interested in hearing about and others won't.

My point being every child is an individual. Just like a person from any age group. to say one doesn't like people of a certain age group is just ludicrous, since you can't KNOW every one of them in that particular age group.

What you say might be true for older children, but yes, it's absolutely possible to simply not like babies and young children, because they can't be related to like adults. Just because other people choose to have them doesn't mean I'm obligated to learn how to interact with them.

[MusicalRaven]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

The pregnant friend is not necessarily being unrealistic. She did not say "you should be excited, appreciate kids" etc, but that she'd like her friend to be more happy for her having a child. That's not unreasonable. That's not asking her to start loving kids or anything but just be happy something good is happening in her life.

Her friend also mentioned not being able to handle all of it right now. Apparently she feels that the OP depends so much on her that she is feeling a lot of pressure and being pregnant most women are very low on resources and are not typically as available mentally and emotionally to others. Having been through 3 pregnancies, I can vouch for the fact that women that are pregnant need more emotional and mental support and typically cannot give as much. That's what her friend is voicing, as I see it anyway.

I don't see her friend as being selfish and self absorbed, but pregnant. It messes with women's entire being for 9 months and sometimes longer.. their hormones are off, they're dealing with 2 people. Their focus does go inward and it's not something I'd ever judge of a pregnant woman.

Also, I don't see either person being selfish or unreasonable here but that they are facing a new phase in their relationship and it's changing. It's inevitable that it's going to change and it's scary for the OP, which is understandable. both the pregnant friend and the OP are dealing with stress from various things and it's affecting their relationship. I don't see ither of them being inherently wrong or ba d in the relationship.

I want to be happy for her but there are circumstances in her life that just worry me. If it were me having this baby I would be freaking out. Her and her husband live with her mom and both of them have super part time jobs. They are financially unstable and from an outsiders perspective their marriage has been kind of rocky for the past couple of years. She would argue that that's not the case but I don't see it as a happy marriage if the husband won't put out for you, except for the one time he does in a LONG time and you get pregnant. :/

It's also hard for me to be happy for her when she's not supportive of the dating relationship I'm in right now, that actually makes me happy.

Thank you for your kind words. You have opened my eyes to the fact that yes it does sound really self centered the way that I see things but that it's not the fault of either person.

I really am trying to be a good friend here, but she's basically told me that if I don't just "let the past be the past" with other issues we've had that she might have to "take a break" and not see me for a while. Makes me feel like my feelings aren't valid, and now I have no way of telling her that without risking the friendship.

Originally Posted by MusicalRaven

I want to be happy for her but there are circumstances in her life that just worry me. If it were me having this baby I would be freaking out. Her and her husband live with her mom and both of them have super part time jobs. They are financially unstable and from an outsiders perspective their marriage has been kind of rocky for the past couple of years. She would argue that that's not the case but I don't see it as a happy marriage if the husband won't put out for you, except for the one time he does in a LONG time and you get pregnant. :/

It's also hard for me to be happy for her when she's not supportive of the dating relationship I'm in right now, that actually makes me happy.

Thank you for your kind words. You have opened my eyes to the fact that yes it does sound really self centered the way that I see things but that it's not the fault of either person.

I really am trying to be a good friend here, but she's basically told me that if I don't just "let the past be the past" with other issues we've had that she might have to "take a break" and not see me for a while. Makes me feel like my feelings aren't valid, and now I have no way of telling her that without risking the friendship.

Thank you for elaborating on this, I kind of figured there were other factors that were left out that were affecting the situation and with all of the stuff you've just mentioned, I can understand your concerns about her but... to ease your mind, when it comes to a child, most times people just are never ready for it. for the first child you have no idea what to expect mentally, financially, physically and it's all new. For me personally if I want another child (need a gf first or wife haha) I would just do it and know that it's going to be expensive and trying but I'm gven to that idea that's just me.

For you, if you can think about ways she might need you in relation to the situation, with her emotional state, her marriage, financial instability, etc. Be there for her and that will go very far to strengthening your relationship. Don't ruminate about that which you cannot affect but those things you can change and do something about. In other words, the child, is coming.. you cannot change that, but what can you do to strengthen the friendship, making provision for this new comer? It's hard, because even as a friend, and not the actual mother, you have no idea what it entails so just be flexible and open.

Well, here we are.. she's not supportive of your dating relationship so.. you both should agree to support each other for what makes each one happy - she needs you to be supportive of her, her pregnancy and marriage, you need the same kind of support. Something to talk to her about

Keep in mind, you're individuals, and you'll make choices she doesn't agree with and vice versa. it's part of being unique individuals. Part of being a good friend is being able to say to each other (both of you) I don't agree, but I love you as my friend and will support you because of that reason alone.

You're very welcome. If you need to talk you can pm me anytime. But also, you have to friend me in order to pm me first haha.

[MusicalRaven]

I very much want to talk to her about this but at the same time I'm afraid to because she all but came out and said " no more drama or I'm out of here." I feel like she wants the support from me that I am not receiving from her. I know that sometimes friendships can be really one sided for a while and maybe I should be prepared for that now? I don't know really want to say to convey that I'm hurt that she doesn't support my relationship and that I want to be there for her but I just don't feel listened to right now.

Originally Posted by MusicalRaven

I very much want to talk to her about this but at the same time I'm afraid to because she all but came out and said " no more drama or I'm out of here." I feel like she wants the support from me that I am not receiving from her. I know that sometimes friendships can be really one sided for a while and maybe I should be prepared for that now? I don't know really want to say to convey that I'm hurt that she doesn't support my relationship and that I want to be there for her but I just don't feel listened to right now.

Well one suggestion I have is maybe to back off from the whole situation for a few and let things cool off. One thing is you'll be able to approach the situation more calmly on both sides. Another thing is, if you've been friends for awhile, it will give her time to reflect on what she'd really be missing if you stopped being friends.

I don't know the whole situation still but she sounds very frustrated but I don't think friendships are so easily broken if you've been close before, I'm guessing it's just soemthing you're going through. give her time and space maybe?

[MusicalRaven]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Well one suggestion I have is maybe to back off from the whole situation for a few and let things cool off. One thing is you'll be able to approach the situation more calmly on both sides. Another thing is, if you've been friends for awhile, it will give her time to reflect on what she'd really be missing if you stopped being friends.

I don't know the whole situation still but she sounds very frustrated but I don't think friendships are so easily broken if you've been close before, I'm guessing it's just soemthing you're going through. give her time and space maybe?

I was afraid that this would be the solution I have to go with. I really don't want to make my already really small support system smaller, even temporarily. Yet I feel I might not have much choice. I feel like I know this is the right thing but it feels so very wrong. :/

Originally Posted by MusicalRaven

I was afraid that this would be the solution I have to go with. I really don't want to make my already really small support system smaller, even temporarily. Yet I feel I might not have much choice. I feel like I know this is the right thing but it feels so very wrong. :/

I know it feels bad, and maybe feels wrong but just know that much of that is fear, and possibly undeserved guilt. If you premise your break away with the putting the burden on yourself to her. Let her know that you're giving her space not out of anger but because you're trying to do the right thing. Put that out there and don't just disappear and I think she'll understand and maybe even gain respect for your actions

Let me know if I can be of any more help.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by MusicalRaven

I'm glad that I'm not the only person who feels like a single woman with no children gets looked down upon in this society. I think for me I don't really like children because I didn't like my childhood or my mother and don't want to screw up a child that I would have.

My best friend has been there for the ups and downs in my life and I've tried to be there for hers. She's harder to read, she offers less information about herself and sometimes she just plain refuses to share anything. I want to be there for her but I feel like either something is holding me back or pushing me away.

And it wasn't fair of your friend to say that, to you. Not every pregnant woman starts alienating their friends because she's suddenly a soon to be mom. I did quiet down two friendships, felt awkward, each miscarried weeks before i conceived. How could i torture them, like that?
So, to have a falling out, because of she's having a baby?


Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

Originally Posted by MusicalRaven

I'm glad that I'm not the only person who feels like a single woman with no children gets looked down upon in this society.

I think this is kind of limited thinking and I'm not saying that there aren't a good number of stupid people who judge others for this reason but that "society" itself looks down upon it, I'm not sure I would completely agree with. I do understand that there's enough judgement out there taht it does affect you though

I think for me I don't really like children because I didn't like my childhood or my mother and don't want to screw up a child that I would have.

This is justified to say you don't want children, I can understand this completely. But the way it originally came out is it sounded like you found them repulsive or something. To say you don't like kids because you dont' think you'd be able to mother them well is misdirected. It's not that children are terrible that you dont' want them but that you're not sure you could care for one of your own, which is completely acceptable

[Lauliza]

When you are friends and one gets married and gets pregnant, that is a big strain on the relationship for all involved. These are major life changes that absolutely threatens the friendship to some extent. I have 3 kids and had single or newly married friends when I was pregnant with my first, and it was tough. I can understand your fears and I can also understand the concerns of your friend. However, I do think that if you are truly close and have a good relationship, then she could stand to be a little kinder. Calling you an "apocolyptic self centered narcissist" sounds over the top to me and I'm hoping it was the mood swings of pregnancy that caused her to be that mean (it happens since pregnancy is very taxing emotionally and physically). It sounds like she is frustrated and scared about the changes that are happening too.

I will say that then are times when, as friends, we have to fake it for the sake of other's feelings, and this is one of those times. I don't think anyone will judge you based on the lone fact that you don't want kids, but if you have an overall negative attitude about kids around a friend that has a new baby, it will strain the friendship. This is not even remotely the same as sharing interests and hobbies, this is about someone's family and their life. If you are disinterested and even resentful, then yes the relationship will suffer. A newborn infant is all consuming and will take priority over everything else in a new mom's life. She will not be able to be there for you if her baby needs her, and she may feel bad about that. I have a sister in law and a friend who both chose not to have kids, and our relationships are fine. It's true we spend less time together, but that's because of different obligations and out of our control. All parents are kid absorbed at first, that is natural and something to prepare for. New parents don't usually intentionally exclude or shut out their friends, but it can happen since a child is such a huge adjustment. But with time most people make a conscious effort to keep some balance in their lives. So friendships can wax and wane but if they are strong, will last. It is definitely something to talk about with your friend and if possible, I would let some things slide right now and if you can, try to show your concerns in a way that she will understand but that won't cause her to worry. If you need to pm me for advice about what to say, feel free to. I understand how hard this can be.

[MusicalRaven]

Originally Posted by Lauliza

When you are friends and one gets married and gets pregnant, that is a big strain on the relationship for all involved. These are major life changes that absolutely threatens the friendship to some extent. I have 3 kids and had single or newly married friends when I was pregnant with my first, and it was tough. I can understand your fears and I can also understand the concerns of your friend. However, I do think that if you are truly close and have a good relationship, then she could stand to be a little kinder. Calling you an "apocolyptic self centered narcissist" sounds over the top to me and I'm hoping it was the mood swings of pregnancy that caused her to be that mean (it happens since pregnancy is very taxing emotionally and physically). It sounds like she is frustrated and scared about the changes that are happening too.

I will say that then are times when, as friends, we have to fake it for the sake of other's feelings, and this is one of those times. I don't think anyone will judge you based on the lone fact that you don't want kids, but if you have an overall negative attitude about kids around a friend that has a new baby, it will strain the friendship. This is not even remotely the same as sharing interests and hobbies, this is about someone's family and their life. If you are disinterested and even resentful, then yes the relationship will suffer. A newborn infant is all consuming and will take priority over everything else in a new mom's life. She will not be able to be there for you if her baby needs her, and she may feel bad about that. I have a sister in law and a friend who both chose not to have kids, and our relationships are fine. It's true we spend less time together, but that's because of different obligations and out of our control. All parents are kid absorbed at first, that is natural and something to prepare for. New parents don't usually intentionally exclude or shut out their friends, but it can happen since a child is such a huge adjustment. But with time most people make a conscious effort to keep some balance in their lives. So friendships can wax and wane but if they are strong, will last. It is definitely something to talk about with your friend and if possible, I would let some things slide right now and if you can, try to show your concerns in a way that she will understand but that won't cause her to worry. If you need to pm me for advice about what to say, feel free to. I understand how hard this can be.

I know that marriage and kids can put a big strain on a friendship. For some reason when she got married it didn't seem like a big change. She still wanted to hang out with me, mostly to get away from the person that she spent literally 24/7 with and she still wanted to share her experiences as a friend, not out of obligation to our friendship. Since I was diagnosed with depression about a year and a half ago and I told her about it she has been all oner the place, first saying that she was always there for me then basically rescinding her availability when I did really need her. Unfortunately the more I need her the more she isn't available. She called me apocalyptic because "every time I suggest something that will be different when the baby comes and suggest ways for you to come over you shoot it down." Unfortunately I was trying to be realistic. She was saying that she would invite me over to her house to hang out when the baby gets her, she doesn't invite me over now so how I am I supposed to know what that will look like, or believe it will even happen. She doesn't drive so I know that if I want to see her it's all on me. It's always been all on me and before she told me she was pregnant we were trying to fix that or at least come to grips with that fact that I don't feel this is a "mutual" friendship anymore.

I will try and fake the liking babies part. I know that people get really annoyed when women don't like children and it's not fair to put that on her, which I'm not trying to do either.

[nicoleflynn]

As for the drama comment....Life IS about drama!

Yes, she sounds immature and selfish ; a friendship is supposed to go both ways....you listen to her...she listens and supports you!

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by MusicalRaven

I know that marriage and kids can put a big strain on a friendship. For some reason when she got married it didn't seem like a big change. She still wanted to hang out with me, mostly to get away from the person that she spent literally 24/7 with and she still wanted to share her experiences as a friend, not out of obligation to our friendship. Since I was diagnosed with depression about a year and a half ago and I told her about it she has been all oner the place, first saying that she was always there for me then basically rescinding her availability when I did really need her. Unfortunately the more I need her the more she isn't available. She called me apocalyptic because "every time I suggest something that will be different when the baby comes and suggest ways for you to come over you shoot it down." Unfortunately I was trying to be realistic. She was saying that she would invite me over to her house to hang out when the baby gets her, she doesn't invite me over now so how I am I supposed to know what that will look like, or believe it will even happen. She doesn't drive so I know that if I want to see her it's all on me. It's always been all on me and before she told me she was pregnant we were trying to fix that or at least come to grips with that fact that I don't feel this is a "mutual" friendship anymore.

I will try and fake the liking babies part. I know that people get really annoyed when women don't like children and it's not fair to put that on her, which I'm not trying to do either.

You don't have to pretend you love children, you just need to take an interest in her and her new life. Often times even people who don't like kids in general will still feel affection to the children of the people we're close to. Usually just because they are an extension of them and the family of someone we care about. However, if there were other problems with your friendship that aren't pregnancy/baby related, then it's hard to say what will happen. You might hang out less, and you most likely will be expected to be the one to make more effort, especially if she doesn't drive. No one would expect you, or any other person who is single, to want to spend lots of your free time hanging out with an infant. I know that when I didn't have kids that's the last thing I wanted to do.

I was never a kid person. I didn't dislike them but wasn't crazy about them either and wouldn't have chosen to be with kids, ever. But when one of my close friends had a baby, the first of any of my friends, I was surprised to find how much I liked spending time with them. I was the one to make the effort- I had to go to her house always, and it's true that the baby was always with us. I thought for sure it would hurt our friendship but it really didn't. Newborns are much easier than toddlers or older kids for non parents to be around since they can't be brats or obnoxious yet, so it wasn't a big deal that the baby was around so much. You may feel the same way and even enjoy the time, even a little.

[SunnyMills]

Also, I don't see either person being selfish or unreasonable here but that they are facing a new phase in their relationship and it's changing. It's inevitable that it's going to change and it's scary for the OP, which is understandable. both the pregnant friend and the OP are dealing with stress from various things and it's affecting their relationship. I don't see ither of them being inherently wrong or bad in the relationship.

Exactly. Friendships change and sometimes they don't last forever. I see this situation as just a phase in the course of the relationship. Both the poster and the friend have their own personal things they are dealing with and both are having problems empathizing with the other.

The important thing is not to hold grudges and try to be forgiving of each other when things are said or feelings are hurt because of stresses and changes.