[rosewoodgirl]

I don't know where to put this. So I put it here.

So apparently I am a stalker. Let me start off with my story. I've always been unhappy. I've only had one boyfriend my entire 31 years of existence. Even that didn't last very long. On Feb 2013. I met a man off a dating website. I have a drinking problem that I'm trying to sort through now. On my birthday,I went out with a friend. Had a few drinks.The man I was texting with on the website was talking to me. Later on that night, he came over. I told him to bring alcohol and he did. We watched a movie, got drunk and one thing led to another. He left later on really early in the morning. After that, I was too hungover to talk to him about the events of last night.

The next day I talked to him on the phone when my head was a bit clearer. He told me he had fun but next time he would like to hang out sober. We talked on and off. But I did not want anything serious with him. A few weeks later, I noticed something going on with my body. I had bleeding which I confused for my period. I should of known better. I waited a month for my period and at that time I did not speak to that man. It was my choice. I didn't want to talk to him anymore. When that month was up. I finally took a pregnancy test. I was pregnant.

Me never being pregnant before scared me. I honestly thought I couldn't get pregnant. I must of gotten lucky. Until now. I have some health problems I do not wish to discuss. But I'm not one for abortion. I'm very pro-life. I decided to tell him. He picked me up and we discussed it. I told him I couldn't have a baby. I didn't tell him why. He was so understanding. We made love and I made my decision. I waited a few weeks so he could pay his half. Between those few weeks. I told him I wanted a relationship. He said he was sorry but we are just friends. I got angry at him. Yelled at him. So he told me to leave him alone for a few days cause he was angry at me. I couldn't wait for him to pay his half. So I went to the clinic on my own. The first doctor denied me. Said something about my blood count and how far along I was could be dangerous. Apparently I was 14 weeks. I was already emotionally traumatised. So I texted him and he ignored me.

I went to another doctor and he agreed to do it. The day of my procedure I told him. He was so mean to me. His exact words were "good get a receipt." Then he told me he never wanted to speak to me asagain. So I got it done. I was in tears. I regretted my decision. But I couldn't have a baby. It would of harmed me too. But it doesn't mean that I still don't love my angel. A few weeks passed. I had weird symptoms. My body felt like it had a baby. I went back to my alcoholism and called him. He ignored me. I got so drunk and called him a lot. The next day he threatened to call the police if I didn't leave him alone. So I left him alone.

For 6 months I was in agony. I constantly cried over the loss of my baby. I saw him online on the dating suite I met him on. I messaged him. He decided to give me a chance at being friends. We made love again. He added me on Facebook and I said something on there he didn't like. He took me off and said I needed to stop acting like his girlfriend. I got drunk again. I sent him a few texts and he blocked me. We didn't talk for a few months. This last time I think it's over. I have a drinking problem. I invited him over. And when he left. I tagged him in a facebook status thanking him for visiting me. I was doing so good. We were talking again and I stopped drinking. When he saw it. He untagged himself. For a week I asked him why and what did I do wrong. He ignored my messages. I got his phone number through a mutual friend and called him. Also was drinking.

He answered and got angry that I tried to get his personal information. He then put my number on auto reject. This time was bad. I got very drunk and dialed his number a lot. I left messages from screaming, to crying and to beg him to give me another chance. I haven't heard from him since. But I have heard through my friend that he was posting on Facebook how crazy I am. Saying I'm a stalker. What I did was awful, I won't lie. But he also lied and exaggerated the truth. He said I was stalking him for two years. He changed his number and address cause of me. Which wasn't true. He changed address cause his parents kicked him out and his phone was turned off cause he couldn't afford it. He also said that I said I wanted to be his wife. Never true. He said I wanted his children. The only child I want was the one I lost.

I told him I loved him which he thought was the biggest insult ever. He told people we only slept together once which was also a lie. I know I screwed up and I probably won't ever get him back. I'm not a horrible person. He does things a lot to hurt my feelings. And when he does, I go back to my drinking and act crazy. I'm at fault for my mistakes but he is equally as mean when he took advantage and left me all alone to mourn the loss of my child. I have left him alone. I can't eat or sleep. I'm finally working on my drinking problem for good and going to meetings. I want him back but I know that's not possible. The only reason why was cause of that baby. It would be so much easier if that never happened.

[glok]

Welcome to the Community, rosewoodgirl. It seems you are not able to control your feelings about someone who cares nothing for you. Please consider getting professional help to stop the downside of a very bad circumstance.

[hvert]

That's a really horrible story. I'm sorry all that happened. I'm glad to hear that you are getting a handle on the drinking problem. It almost sounds like you are addicted to this guy in some ways, so I wonder if this is something you could talk about at your meetings?

I hope you can keep away from him. It sounds like a very unhealthy relationship.

[LornaMorello]

I'm so sorry darling I don't even know what to say. . . I'm sure you and I both know you can move past this. But I can relate to this so much, I know how soon after these situations take place it feels like the end of the world.
He honestly sounds like a jackass, who was playing with your heart and if there is a shred of karma left in this world you will find someone who worships you and he will be left alone.
Its hard when you want so badly for someone to just care, even a little. And its jarring how cruel people can be in response.
The best thing you can do is get your drinking under control and prove to him you're much stronger without him

[STASlS]

I am so sorry for what you've been through with this guy. I wish you well with the drinking issue and everything else in your life.

[rosewoodgirl]

Thank you so much everyone. I am working on my sobriety and losing weight. I'm hoping by the time I have finished these goals, I can move on from him. I won't ever be the same cause of him. But he's just toxic to me. What angers me is that he doesn't even realize he is equally as responsible with his mistakes and the way he has treated me.

[hvert]

They never do!

[Karl$]

I think it's a high time to change a guy, no?

[rosewoodgirl]

I don't really want another guy. Right now, I'm hurt, angry and confused. Hurt more than anything else. All I wanted was a little compassion. In the past I tried to tell him about the baby when I said. When his anniversary came up. I got no response. I felt like I was just a lay to him. Not even a real friend. A normal person wouldn't treat their friends this way. I felt like I had to walk on eggshells just to avoid upsetting him. My feelings were never validated. I wasn't even good enough to acquire his phone number.

[likewater]

I'm really sorry to hear this. He could win the jerk of the year award. Don't stalk him anymore. The way he exaggerated the story, it kind of sounds like he thought you trying to contact him so much
made him really him really hot stuff. What a moron. The best revenge is living well. May angels surround you.

[~Christina]

Its normal to feel the way you do considering what happened ... If your not able to move past it and on with your life you should consider seeing a Therapist to help you process what happened and help you build back up your self esteem .

Take care

[Maria116]

Originally Posted by likewater

Don't stalk him anymore.

Yes, please don't, there's no point. I'm so sorry about the loss of your baby.Is there anyone in your life who is there for you?

[rosewoodgirl]

I've left him alone like he wanted. You are right, there's no point trying to reason with him. It will just leave to more disappointment and more troubles on my part. I did however view his Facebook page. Big mistake on my part. He was apparently talking to a female. Another reason why I think he ignored me after he slept with me. Anyway, he was going on about how he should maybe stop caring and being nice to others, cause they just look the other way. And he says it's sad cause he actually expects it to happen and that it says a lot about him. It made my blood boil due to the fact that firstly, he is not a nice person, he has never cared about me or the child we lost. Never has he had tried to show compassion or love, at least a shoulder to cry on when I was sad. He read it and ignored it. Every time. Secondly, who is he to expect a female to be romantically interested in him just because he comforted her? To me that's only showing kindness for your own selfish reasons. But at least karma is on my side and now he knows what it's like to be in my shoes. Though sadly, he still thinks he has done nothing wrong. As far as therapy goes, I'm looking into it. My cousin has demanded that I go see a therapist. It's probably time. I do go to a message board for women dealing with loss from abortions. It amazes me how so many men act the same way that he does. These women have tried to open up to their abortion father's and fail. Some even see them every day at school and pretend like they don't know him. It's very sad.

[rosewoodgirl]

This is the thing I want to know. Why am I labeled as crazy for saying that I love him? Is it mainly cause I'm not the right person be wants to hear it from so he gets insulted and labels me as crazy? Or am I really crazy for saying it? I've never said I loved anyone ever. And I only love him cause of the emotional attachment that I have with my Angel. Cause I've seen people say it to each other all the time and they haven't even been together for a year. Or maybe I'm crazy for saying it cause we were never in a relationship. Nevertheless, the reaction and the look of disgust of me saying it to him makes me want to cry

[JeanneDoe]

Sorry for everything you have gone through. I think the best thing is for you to leave him alone. I know when you have strong feelings for someone it can be hard to not want to express them, but sometimes we can come on to strong and it pushes people away. I hope you are able to work through this. I think as someone said it would be a good idea to learn to get a better handle on these emotions because it can be very damaging for a relationship. With time I have learned to handle my own emotions and it has made for better relationships, however I still have issues.

[seeker1950]

OH...Lordy...my life exp can relate to what you're going thru. My first sexual relationship, in college...I felt true love. I thought I was pregnant, and he said to me, "I can't help you." I still clung to any attention he gave me, which was mostly abuse. What I realize now...after a lifetime of experiences, is that I should have walked away ...PERIOD, after that. I know how hard it is to let go of an attachment as a result of a sexual encounter. But, first of all, you've mentioned the alcohol-induced behavior, resulting in the sex. Then, you've stated you continue to resort to drinking, thus resulting in "drunk-dialing," and drunk internetting. Let me just tell you...you must STOP looking at his Facebook page. Stop. This just feeds your addiction. You are addicted to the idea of him, and he's a total jerk. I want you to try visualizing yourself free...free of thoughts of this bad man. Practice it like meditation and self-hypnosis. Also, seek counseling.
You (and I) have addiction-prone personalities. I know this (now a grandmother with the benefit of age and unfortunate myriad experiences).
Your choice to have an abortion, however painful, sounds like it was the correct one. Comfort yourself. Do not dwell on this man one moment longer.
PM me if you want to talk.

[rosewoodgirl]

I suppose I do need to get a handle of my emotions better. I guess I pushed him away cause I came on too strong. He has even said this to me in the past. Maybe stupid me thought that if I didn't pull his arm on the subject, he would grow to like me more than a friend. But I was apparently kidding myself cause after almost two years of knowing him, nothing has changed. In the past, I have repressed my feelings for people cause I was afraid of getting hurt. I guess after my drunk incident, I said I loved him to get him back. Which obviously blew up in my face. In the past I made subtle hints of liking him more than a friend which I think he chose to ignore.i I just about did anything to make him happy. I listened to his problems when he had them.I tried to show compassion. I even gave him money once. I clung on to him like he was the only guy in the world for me. It wasn't always like this. When we first met, I didn't really find him all that attractive. I was just drunk and he was there to comfort me. After the first night we met. I didn't really want to be with him again. I ignored his messages until he left me alone. Then after a month of noticing weird symptoms. I was in denial of my pregnancy. I finally took a test and called him. He was so comforting. Told me it was my choice on what I had to do. I already had health issues and the longer I stayed pregnant, the more pain I was in. So I mAde the choice of an abortion. At that point, I really wanted to be with him. But he said we were just friends. That was our first falling out. Before the abortion. I didn't really think much of my pregnancy. After, it hit me hard. So it might of been the best in some situations. But I wish I could take it b back honestly. The guilt, regret and constant nightmares. When I'm happy, I think to myself you stupid cow, how can you be happy after what you have done. It's basically torn me up emotionally.I wanted so bad for him to care. But he hasn't. I like to think of my Angel as mine. Cause he doesn't care. If he did, he would of been sad along with me. I loved him cause of that Angel. Nothing more.

[RomanSunburn]

Don't beat yourself up over what has happened. What's done is done, and there's nothing you can do change it. Beating yourself up is only preventing you from giving yourself the love you so desperately need and putting you at risk for a relapse. Mourn the loss of your child, but be gentle with yourself. Your child would only want you to be happy. Think of it as your Angel coming to help you. Maybe this was a blessing in disguise to help you get better so that you can live the life you want and deserve.

[seeker1950]

I realize you don't want to respond to what I've said about the drunk sex, and the drunk dialing, but you will have to address that as your responsibility in the situation in which you've found yourself. The man told you that the two of your were "just friends," probably how he saw it from a casual sexual alcohol induced encounter. You should not expect anything from him.
It's sad for you, that you became pregnant. Then, probably correctly, based upon what you have said about your own health, you could not have a child.
You had an abortion....a very traumatic exp. for you.
Now you must focus on recovery. This means letting go of any expectation of emotional support from this man.

[rosewoodgirl]

I didn't respond to the drunk encounters cause I had a lot to say. We only actually had drunk sex once. The other times we were sober. He's only witnessed me drunk in person once, which fortunately he was also drunk enough not to remember. But unfortunately drunk enough to not use proper protection which led to my pregnancy. My addiction to alcohol was something he saw in phone calls and drunk dialing/voicemails. Really something I didn't control. Until now. I have been sober since the incident and I plan on going to AA meetings. I got drunk every time he did something to upset me. It was my way of venting. Last time, was probably the last straw for him. Which was why I kept my distance. I got upset cause after sleeping with me. I tagged him on Facebook thanking him for being my first visitor at my new apartment. I didn't mention we had sex. I thought it was friendly. He didn't like it and as soon as he saw it immediately untagged himself. I confronted him about it for a week. He chose to ignore every message. That's when I got drunk and upset. I don't like the way he treats me. And I know I'm equally at fault for drinking. Something I am working on to fix. But it baffles me how he thinks he has done nothing wrong, even when I'm trying. He knows I like him more than a friend. I've told him this many of times. I guess he chose to ignore it and just use me when he wants sex and blows me off the rest of the time. I've given up on him showing any compassion or empathy for the loss of our baby. Probably to him, it was a good thing. Or something he feels indifferent about. I have a book I'm working on for the steps to help me heal and forgive him. Not forgive for him. But for myself so I can find peace

[seeker1950]

Well, first, I want to apologize for sounding harsh.
I know how hard it is to let go, particularly due to what you've gone thru. I'm sorry you had to have an abortion. Are there any resources you can seek out for counseling? I think you would benefit from it ( I don't often recommend therapy). You are clinging to the idea of this man, the "what ifs," and how you want/hoped he would care. He doesn't. He doesn't even want you on his FB page. In truth, this man was just a sperm donor. The unfortunate exp you've had was a result of the reproductive element of sex. That's all it was, harsh as it sounds. You will do yourself a great favor by turning your back on the man.
You need to concentrate on yourself now. That really IS the only thing that matters at this point....not him at all , ever. You will feel such pride and sense of worth by letting go of any thoughts of the man. You can embark on a new chapter of your own precious life right now by focusing on your own health and emotional well-being.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by rosewoodgirl

.

almost two years of knowing him,

Maybe stupid me thought that if I didn't pull his arm on the subject, he would grow to like me more than a friend.

In the past I made subtle hints of liking him more than a friend which I think he chose to ignore.i

I just about did anything to make him happy. I listened to his problems when he had them.I tried to show compassion. I even gave him money once. I clung on to him like he was the only guy in the world for me.

It wasn't always like this. When we first met, I didn't really find him all that attractive. I was just drunk and he was there to comfort me.

After the first night we met. I didn't really want to be with him again. I ignored his messages until he left me alone. Then after a month of noticing weird symptoms. I was in denial of my pregnancy.

But I wish I could take it b back honestly.
The guilt, regret and constant nightmares.

When I'm happy, I think to myself you stupid cow, how can you be happy after what you have done.

It's basically torn me up emotionally.I wanted so bad for him to care. But he hasn't. .

It's not really to say that he has or has not cared, it's that he didn't do it how you'd like him to. We cannot expect to get what we want, if we just stand by and try to be what we believe others want us to be, to get them to like us, love us, care for us.
I see numerous negative self speaking adjectives, that you've used to describe yourself. Building a healthy self esteem, might be beneficial for you. Addressing not that you have as you've described a drinking problem, but why you drink to where it's problematic. If you feel you are behaving in stalking ways, addressing the habitual compulsion to check out his Facebook and subsequently tormenting yourself, because you aren't part of his life.
How'd you meet him, initially?
Did the doctor mention why you were having such pain, in pregnancy? Are you addressing the underlying health issues that cause pain? I'm sure, with the drinking, it was probably safer for your angel? Noone expects to get pregnant from just the first time with someone nor typically first attempt at conception either.

You seem to want what most people typically want..to be cared for, loved, a companion. ..

Sometimes when what we've been doing isn't giving us results we want, time to make life changes.

Get out, find a hobby, make new friends. When we focus on our own identity, it's easier to bring that as a depth to any relationship. Less needing others to fulfill our lives, more adding them in, to complement our lives..two whole people make a whole relationship. .

When do you start meetings?

[Naturegirl30]

I have to agree. Seems you caught the rough end of he stick lovely.

I am truly sorry, he was probably scared and unsure how to cope, it was easier to shut you out. This may not always be the case and I hope one day he realizes the error of his ways, but until then, keep smiling cos we are all here for you...

Xx

[rosewoodgirl]

Thanks everyone for the support. He's only addressed the issue of our baby once. He said he didn't really think about it. That the way I treated him made him feel no attachment or anything to grieve. So I asked him if he could help me grieve. He said he wouldn't even know where to start and it sounds like a bad idea to continue talking about. At that point, I said I was disappointed in him. And that I hope one day he would think about it. He ended the discussion by signing off messenger. What I really wanted to say was, look, it was a part of you too. Whatever and however I treated you doesn't justify you not caring. The baby doesn't speak for me. For sooo long I wanted to say that to him. But I never did. Venom spat out of his mouth as well. He certainly was no saint. Like the way he tells everyone that he cares and is loyal as a teddy bear. Maybe to certain women, but not to me. I haven't looked into counseling, but I'm thinking about it heavily. I met him off a dating website. It was a quick way to meet men. But I think I've realized most of those men on there are there for a reason. And that they are not good with relationships. At least that's what I have noticed. Due to the fact I didn't know I was pregnant for a month and the pain I had, left me with no choice for an abortion. I did drink when I was pregnant when I didn't know. I'm not sure how healthy my baby would of been. I probably could of had my baby if I stayed bedridden. Believe me, if I could back in time. I would of done everything I could to save that baby. No matter the consequences of my own well being. Losing a child is worse than anything in the world. I

[Perna]

Originally Posted by rosewoodgirl

And I only love him cause of the emotional attachment that I have with my Angel.

That is not loving him; he has needs and interests that are not yours or related to your pregnancy/fetus and your feelings about your experience. You had sex with him 3 times when you were both drunk and one of those times resulted in a pregnancy which you aborted. He was never a responsible partner and neither were you. I would continue to work on you, not pay any attention to his actions as you do not respect him or his judgment (with good reason in my opinion) and concentrate on your own self esteem rather than someone else's opinion of you. "He" is a stranger to you. Shift your focus to you and what you can do something with/about.