Sexting, picture exchanging etc.. effecting the marriage

So ok here goes nothing.. i'm going to go ahead and put it out here and confess. Guess this is hopefully a good start to the chaos in my life & the start of hopefully a fix.

This is so ambarrasing but oh well , the hell with it .. I did it.. I did the sexting thing and the picture exchange crazyness .. yes little old me. Just recently did it back in january through to April.. just a few months before my husband caught on. 19 years married and i'd never done that before and I can honestly say it got a bit out of hand and yes if my husband wouldn't of found out I probably would still be doing it but I'm hoping that mentally, emotionally & or some how I would have come to my senses eventually and stopped the madness. I'm confident enough that some how I would have eventually I would have stopped.

But I have to confess that it really didn't start that way. I've never done that and being that I'm married to an absolute Scorpio, extremely jealous man & total narcissist what I've done now I make a really unstable relationship just take 40 notches up and go to extreme hell.

I'm sure the responses I'll get from this will be totally understandable but let me put here a little bit more so you can have a more complete explanation..

We were never boyfriend/girlfriend..just got married as friends.. -- 1st mystake.. then he's really controlling & he has extreme trust issues - 2nd problem. Then we've had domestic violence, not really physical so much but more of the verbal & mental & emotional type. He's extremely angry total raging anger and very strict. And well me, i'm more the quiet soft spoken type. Used to be very shy but with time i've grown to become stronger and more outspoken with him at least.

Another tid-bit we are swinger, well went into the lifestyle after recovering sort of from our crazy marriage & went into curiosity mode back in 2010 and some of our best & closest friends are swinger lifestyle friends. CRAZY HUH!!!????but that's my life.. how's that for a 19 years of up & downs and totally insanity..

But well lastly i'm just not IN Love with my husband any more.. I love him but just don't feel that pull. Too much crazyness & wrongs & too much resentment and I'm just plain tired.

Can I say I messed up.. yeah.. although I don't think it's to the extent he's taking it but I know he has every right to be upset although some how the mindful person i am tells me that he's partly and largely to blame for this to have gotten to the extent it did. Although that's too long to explain here.. Too long of a story to tell.. but hell that's my life.. total CHAOS.. all the time..

FYI.. for a while being swingers actually saved our marriage but this next mess up and stuff we're going through has nothing to do with that. Actually we've been out of the lifestyle due to health issues for over a year now.. so well .. this is i don't know more my being tired of my life i guess or just being curious or midlife crisis if there's such a thing for women.. but well who know's ..

That's what I'm here for now.. help me talk through all the fog in my brain and my life..

Your thoughts and questions are so welcome.. please help.. thanks..

Wow. Where to begin.

First off I don't really think poorly of you. I have been in the same scenario and I know from experience that when you aren't getting those feelings from your marriage it is hard to resist them when they come from somewhere else. We all just want to be loved and sometimes it doesn't matter how we get it. Just know that you're not the only person out there that's going through this.

As for your marriage well that is your problem to work through. It really doesn't matter why you got married because that was your choice and you need to own it and not use it as an excuse. If your marriage is loveless and un-fulfilling then you should end it. (yes I realize the irony of me saying that because of my current situation) I realize that is easier said then done but you can survive it. You chose to stay so you can choose to leave. I don't say any of this to be critical but rather when we lay everything bare only then are we equipped to make the best choices for ourselves.

Finally he may have had a role in you doing this but ultimately it was your decision. We have to own all our choices and the fruits they bear. You could have decided not to do it but you didn't. I'm not judging your decision as I have been there but just want you to understand that it was a choice. Now you need to figure out why you did it and what bearing it has on the relationship and or the future of the relationship. You didn't mention kids so if there are none then it should make it easier but please remember to make sure that you make the decision that you need to make. Not the one that you think is easiest for him.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

thank you and i agree . I caused this and I should suffer.. thank you.. .... I'm being tortured by my husband each night, like last night i only got 1 hour sleep with him screaming at me and calling me names and going crazy. all going over and over and over again over what I did and how I'm a ***** etc.... this never ending torture of him screaming and yelling at me each day is cool, it's the punishment i have to deal with because of what I did to him..
I'm at fault and I accept the punishment..

thank you all my eyes are open..

drowning..drowning.. someday's it's easier just being dead but that just not possible... oh well..

That sounds like flat out abuse. If this is a regular thing then you need to leave immediately. What you did may be wrong but you don't deserve to suffer for it. Cut it off clean and start fresh.

K...sounds a bit sarcastic of you, and if so, that's a good thing. It shows the no matter your fault, you don't deserve to be abused like this and you know it.

He may have every reason to be angry, hurt, and resentful, but does NOT have a right to scream at you causing sleep deprivation or any other obviously verbally abusive (ending in possible physical abuse) treatment of you.

I agree with soccerdad. You need to get out, and start fresh. At the very least, get out and away from his temper tantrum.

Take care.

thanks for listening. I know i should get out. there's just so much more going on though but for now i'm stuck. I'm having to deal with him and his rage.

funny thing though, I've been telling him that I want a divorce. That him and are no good together and are just making matter's worse and it's bad for our kids to see us like this. But he wouldn't listen. Finally just this past monday he caved in because he's so upset with me and said yes that he will divorce me but that he's not moving out just yet, that in 3 months he moves out because he just doesn't want to leave me stranded with all the bills. he knows I can't afford the new apartment we are in by my self so according to him he's trying to help me out.

But it's more like torture, cause we argue and fight just about every night over the same problem over and over and over. he's totally obsessed over this.. check's all my emails constantly. he's an IT tech very smart so is able to see at what time I log in to my personal emails at work & how many times and from where and constantly monitors now everything I do. He even grabbed the old phone i had been using that i had deleted everything off of and brought everything back and has it saved on my computer.
he's paying for on line tracking services to locate phone numbers of people i've called and has done a whole research & back ground on all the phone numbers and even tells me the paterns of my calls.
How he's gone as far as saving all my pictures on his computer and staring at them all day so he can remind him self what a lair i am and hypocrite and ***** I am so can hate me more.. and leave me. He's constanly reading all my text , the old ones and looking at all my picture and even deleted all my pictures off of my phone and emails & saved them to his computer so now I can't even access my own pictures..

it's just nuts.. I know he won't m;ove out and this whole 3 month thing is just him trying to just drive me more nuts than i already am.. but I can't leave that apartment, i have no money & no family around to help. Plus now my daughter is sick and she needs both of us and this stress is not helping her.. ugh.. see totally stuck...

I'm so sorry you're going thru this and yes, he sounds like he is totally irrational. If he has agreed to divorce you he has NO RIGHT to your phone, emails...any of that. However, the way he is now, confronting him might be physically dangerous to you.

However, it sounds like emotionally he's just as dangerous. Is there a way you could go to a shelter for awhile...just to be away from him? It concerns me that he might completely lose it (seems to be ramping up his efforts to completely obliterate any loving feeling for you....to what reason? So he can feel justified in harming you????)

Please take care, and don't let things get too far. If you have any family at all that might be able to stay with you, or perhaps a friend??? I'm just very concerned for your safety.

I've never gone to the shelter here in my area and i'm just afraid that doing that will just lead to more problems. I did the whole separation for domestic violence, restraining order thing back in 2000. It was hell and I was stupid enough to take him back. I know what I'm headed for now and this time he's a much bigger monster to deal with.

I'm just watching what I say and do and being careful. I know him really well so I know when he's about to explode. he won't lay on hand on me though, that I know for sure. He's too smart for that cause that would leave evidence and he wants to keep showing everyone that he's the victim and is a total good guy.

He already told me he wouldn't lay a hand on me no matter what I do cause he won't screw his life up for me. that he has too much to loose.. but what he won't stop doing is screaming, constant name calling & the whole none stop asking questions all the time and won't let me go unless I answer things over and over and over again all the time.

My family is 3 hours away, i know if i tell them they will help but I also know that for me to make that call or ask help that means it's do or die.. move out or kick him out.. and start the fight. cause there's no going back after that and I'm not sure if i'm ready for that..

honestly i'm emotionally tired, i'm exhausted and scared shitless of his anger and his yelling..

Sounds like you know the options, it's just a matter of doing it. When you say you're scared, then it's obviously an abusive environment, and you need to get out safely.

Nothing is permanent, so getting to a safe place is a first step in resolving your marriage one way or another. Communication could be a lot different with your spouse when he can't control you with threats. Best of luck.

I agree with rider. And I'm scared for you....if you are in this position now, it's only going to get worse the closer he gets to actually leaving. Right now you ARE emotionally exhausted, and don't think for ONE MINUTE he doesn't know that. You need to call your family...if it means it's over, then that's what it means, but the safety of you and you child is paramount here, and supercedes anything else.

And rider is right...what he is saying is 'care' because he knows you can't afford the apt yourself, is cr*p...it's another way to control you, and to give himself the opportunity to control you (i.e. checking your emails, photos etc). He's not doing ANYTHING for you right now, out of the goodness of his heart.

You need to go, or get a family member to come and stay and make HIM go...and the fact you already had a restraining order out on him, makes it clear....

I'm sorry for your situation...I know it hurts. But you're NOT completely to blame, and he has NO right to hurt you as he is doing....so if you don't stop this for yourself, do it for your child...she doesn't deserve to grow up thinking this is how relationships go....because healthy relationships DON'T go this way.

And you do want to prevent her from finding herself where you are right now, when she is older...because to her it's familiar, even as it's hurtful.

Take care

Thank you rider & waiting4 ... I had a sit down with my daughter she's 15 now and very intelligent and well I explained things to her. She understood and said just wants me to be happy. but I do think about that all the time and am so afraid for her winding up with a jerk like i did.

I know I have to get him out of the house. I'm going to try to get the nerve to tell my family but i'm really trying to hard to get some courage to put all this out there.. I'm fighting for courage now.. really going to try and see what happens and what I can do. I know I need to finish this situation..

Sending you strong thoughts of empowerment......just do it for yourself and for your daughter. *big hugs*

It is no longer about who is right or wrong.....or who is being punished and why.....
Make a plan to get out...with help of family or what ever...the sooner the better. He said he will never lay a hand on you...bull...he is doing a lot of other things that are so far from normal and safe. If nothing else, you owe it to your children to get out as soon as possible. If I was living next door to you and you were not trying to get out I would be calling on social services to intervene on your children's behalf.

YOUR KIDS NEED TO GET OUT AND SO DO YOU!

wow, only thing i can say is you got yourself into a mess that's for sure (duh!, right).

i do think the marriage is over pretty much

Hi Silent.

Of all the things you're dealing with right now, please...don't let that worry you too. I do certainly understand your concern, absolutely I do. But I would offer this as a counterpoint. Growing up as a child and having visitation rights with my father, I observed him completely lose his temper and go absolutely ballistic more times than I care to count. Usually, unfortunately, my stepmother garnered the brunt of his attention. I observed that for seven years before I ended visitation...which is a whole 'nother story, but we'll save that one for later. :P

The point I bring up in offering that story is that sometimes, a negative example can be as powerful as a positive example. Sometimes, an example of what *not* to be or what *not* to do is a powerful thing. You seem confident in her intelligence, and she seems mature based off what you've said. I trust, in the long run and if you speak to her about this in the future, she'll be okay.

Speaking more directly to you, I won't weigh in on the sexting. That's not my place, and much has already been said. But I did want to offer that you are making a very wise choice in leaving, I believe. He sounds like a textbook case of emotional and verbal abuse, and neither you nor your daughter need that. I would offer, if you can, that if you can find a way to capture and document some of his behavior, that might be beneficial to you. Perhaps an audio recording on some device he can't access or doesn't know about (he seems tech savvy to a fault, which I can't confidently work around...anyone who knows how to retrieve and store deleted data has me beat)? Something to give you a leg to stand on in court. My mother (thank God) did the same thing to my father...he didn't have a legal leg to stand on in divorce court thanks to my mother being *meticulous* about documentation.

Hugs Silent. I do hope things work out for the best, and very soon.

Hugs,
Harley

Just sending. ((((Hugs)))) don't let your soon to be ex blackmail and exploit you with those photos.

Don't leave without your daughter.

((((Hugs))))

thank you all for the nice thoughts and advice. well i didn't leave him, still there.. it's rocky and well this weekend was nice for a change but come today monday we're back to arguing. this leaving or us separating seems to be very difficult but I've spoken to both my Son who's 18 and my daughter who's 15 and both understand that we are having problems and just want to see us happy.

But now I'm just afraid of making any moves cause of my daughter's health. Not sure but guess it's one day at a time right now.

My husband stopped asking me questions and said he's been quiet and swallowing things for a while that all he wants is an honest apology but he's not that patient since today we're back to the same arguments.. oh well..

Oh a positive side, i've made a doctor's appointment in hopes to get my self on anti-depressants.. maybe that will help with my moods and handling things better. It's a step at at least. all though for your thoughts.. cause this helps a lot. I don't have anyone who I can really talk to so this helps quite a bit.

Hi, sorry to hear. But you know that you have support from your kids and that's big. It'll be easier on them too once there's no conflict between their parents. There's probably never going to be a good time to leave. Just sayin...

Ok so just a bit more info.. since I'm not sure where to put this. Got into a huge all day argument over email with my husband yesterday which continued when i got home. Then he decided that he was going to tell our kids all the gory details of what I had done to him so that when he leaves he doesn't look like the bad person. --- And well he did. he sat with them and made me sit there too and listen to his whole tirade or all my bad deeds. how I had cheated on him and posted stuff etc.. the thing though is that I had already had a quick minute to warn my kids that they were going to hear awful things about me but that in time I would get us help and we would deal with these things and I would answer any questions they had but not with their dad around. They are very close to me and this was totally awful of him to do. He always uses our kids to try to get sentiment from them and get them on his side. While i try to shield them from all this mess, specially our daughter since she's sick but he says that I'm the one shielding my self behind our kids.

So well the conversation was quiet and my son told him in out front that what ever is happening is not their business that it's an adult situation and that they had nothing to do with it. That they understand him but that this is something for adults. And for that my husband got upset & took it as the kids taking my side. The kids tried to hug him and show him love afterwards but he just pushed them away and well stressed out my kids for a while but they are ok now. I had a chance again to talk to them afterwards and they seemed calm. But I still have to keep doing more for them cause specially my daughter seemed very stressed.

I wasn't going to let him talk to the kids but I knew I wouldn't be able to persuade him so I prepared them as best as I could and then spoke to them afterwords and reassured them that no matter what happens with their dad and I that both of us love them very much and that this is not about them at all.

all this on the night before my birthday & I'm sure will continue tonight when i get home again.. ugh. wow.. life sucks sometimes.. he really makes me wish i was never born. i hate birthday's now.. .

Ugggg, I have a friend who's x is always trying to get their kids to side with him. Not good to bring your kids into a dispute like that way. Hang in there...

Okay, this is just blowing me away. The fact that he did this, the fact that you didn't get you and the kids away from the house BEFORE he could do this...the fact that your son... A CHILD was actually more of an adult than either of the two adults in his life......

I feel so bad for you, but honestly....(and I'm sorry if I sound harsh) this was unacceptable.

It's not any longer a matter of choice. This man is doing an incredible amount of damage to your kids....and unfortunately, even tho you 'warned' them....so are you, by letting it happen---and while you may not think you are 'letting it happen'...that is how your kids are going to see it, the rest of their lives.

I KNOW from where I speak. Kids don't have to be fair, when they are hurting....and it takes many many years of growing up and having their own life experiences before they realize that there are circumstances more complicated than the black and white they will live with, until they do see it. And some kids NEVER do.

It's clear....seriously...it's clear. And if you don't see it...let me show it to you.......that man is evil, hateful, hurtful and probably more mentally unbalanced than you even give him credit for. And he is HARMING YOUR CHILDREN.

You need to go. If you don't...you're as good as an accomplice. I'm so sorry for you. But you need to stop throwing up the excuse your daughter is ill. I'm not saying she's not....but if this man was physically beating you and your son up as often as he is beating you and your son and your daughter up emotionally, is her illness a satisfactory reason to stay AND KEEP WATCHING / EXPERIENCING it happen?????????

Make no mistake...physical bruises heal over time. Emotional scars DON'T. Ever.

Please get out while you can. I fear now more for your children than for you.

Not buying that all he wants is a "honest apology" - who gets to decide what is honest. Glad you are taking steps to get better - but antidepressants can take awhile to work if you find the right one. What kind of doctor are you going to? You will need a therapist as well to help you learn what is going on with you and how to make things better for you and your children.

You want to consider therapy for your child(ren) as well. I know you have "talked" with them and they want your happiness - but they have been affected by this as well - and that is a very smart move on a mother's part. Not sure what your money situation is but there are places that will work with you.

There is not much I can say that hasn't been said but I would be very careful with the sexting part.

Back when my Wife and I were dating she sent me some topless photos of herself on an email and it was hacked by a very disturbed individual that was cyber bullying her on a Country Music Channel's forum and he put the pictures on the forum for everybody to see and while this was on an email I have heard of similar things happening to people on mobile phones and I don’t believe there is anything that can’t be hacked.