Caretaking is getting me down, and I feel trapped.

It is very stressful when one is a person who really is strongly devoted to doing things right. What I remember of what you told me about how it happened that you lost your job, it was how you wanted to do something right and the uppers were not willing to do what is right. I think that what crept down inside of you with that is a deep sense of failure in having a way to address that situation where you found a way to achieve what you wanted to see happen.

In your childhood you were left in charge and it became important to you that things went right because you got a gold star when things were right, even in school too. That will set very deep impressions in the brain too where a person continuously strives to get things right. You are and always have been a person with intelligence, I have always admired that about you and even openly said how you are one of my favorite members. I love the way you examine things and look to see what is "right", you are willing to "consider" different things respectfully that are presented, however, you remain loyal to the passionate way you see/feel is "right".

Unfortunately, sometimes people do take advantage of this, and I think your S/O has as well as others. It is extremely disappointing when people do that, "it's not right" and that does rattle you. It would be one thing if this S/O kept showing appreciation, but he doesn't, maybe once in a while and that keeps you in the task, but not the true way you deserve it. That being said, you are still very devoted to doing what is right, unfortunately you don't have the luxury of gaining the "help" you have needed to do so.
You don't have funds to do that, and while you are doing your best to find ways to accomodate what you can to give you a break, it's just not enough.

What I have discribed in my other post is you would like to just have this play out where this man gets to stay in his home as long as possible because that is what he wants. That has been taking a toll on you. And no one around this man is appreciating your effort. And even if his daughter comes and sees how bad it really is, and you now exhausted, as I mentioned her answer will be to just put him in a home, she is only interested in the easiest solution and to go off and live her life. This visit is more of a social grace, and nothing more to her, she is not interested in any imposition, its a big deal that she is even visiting, which is more of a vacation to her with a hi dad bye dad included and come have some wine etc. However, at least she has been honest about how things were not all rosey with him growing up either.

Above all else you are a humanitarian though Rose, forgiving in nature and always humane. Within that, there is a right you have always stood loyal to, unfortunately, not enough others are the same. That is nothing to be ashamed of though Rose, please remember that.

One fundamental human need is "appreciation" Rose, I think your trip home proved refreshing in that you were appreciated by your family. I think it is sad that so many individuals don't understand that "need" too. Even a little can go a long way.

(((Respectful Caring Hugs)))
OE

"I guess what it really boils down to is that I don't feel loved, cherished and appreciated. Not by him, not by his kids. So I get mad. Better to just decide that I need to get less involved. When you're in a lop-sided relationship that feels so unfair, maybe the thing to do is step out of being that deeply involved. That's really the only thing that is going to make me feel less like a victim of unfairness.

There is no law of the universe that says that people have to reciprocate. They are who they are. Being mad that they won't be different toward me is a recipe for me making myself crazy. I am going to let this daughter do a bit more about getting her father ready for what outings she has planned. I'll be picking her up at the airport and bringing her to her father's place, so she can pick up her father's car. Then, when she says let's get together at such-and-such a place, I'll say, "Okay, I'll meet you guys there." "quote Rose76

Yes, I do see this going on for you. The last paragraph is ok, reasonable, but will you do it? OR, will you give in and accomodate "them"? You are right in that you will probably not get appreciated for it if you accomodate "them". But keep in mind Rose, it won't be because you are undeserving, it will all be due to their inability to "know better".

How is the visit going?

Visit will start Monday morning. Yesterday he lost his keys, so I came over and found them. Today I talked him into paying for a carpet cleaner to come in. They did a good job. It was a lot on me moving stuff around and back to facilitate the men doing their job, and it was worth it. I got rid of all kinds of junk, and the place looks and smells sweet and clean. I picked up some wine that his daughter likes (and he will reimburse me.) She will walk in to a nice cozy place. We will have a meeting Wed. with VA nurse here. He will have to agree to accept help from attendants, or I will not continue what I'm doing. VA nurse will help me try to get the lost visits restored.

So I feel we might be turning a corner here.

Yes, OE, I was doing home care for a company that was enabling elder abuse. Some families don't want an elder getting care that elder states a preference for . . . like going to the ER for a sudden hemorrhage. Hard to believe, I know.

It would be hard for me to not help him while I am nearby. I've come up with a plan that I've told daughter and s/o. If I don't get more reasonable cooperation, I will hop a plane and go stay with my sisters on the East coast. One tragically lost her husband recently and would love the company. I can stay with her for a couple of months even. Over that span of time, he couldn't manage. Adult protection services or the VA would have to step in and place him somewhere.

I'm not going to lose my sanity over this situation. I got out of living with him when that proved unworkable, so I can reach a point where I say "enough."

I thank you so much for these posts helping me see that I'm not asking for more than is fair. We'll see how it goes.

I did not see Oprah magazine, but will look for it.

Hugs to everyone for much needed backup to see I'm a person too.

It is so nice to see that you are also really considering your own wellfare. Often this can get shoved aside while getting more and more overwhelmed. I have read about that happening with caregivers. A visit with your sister is not a bad idea, you could use a break and she "is" probably lonely.

Let us know how you make out, you have this thread going if you need to vent and get support.

((Hugs))
OE

Well, we're halfway through the visit. It's going along okay. Considering how we have absolutely nothing in common, the daughter and I are getting along okay. We met for dinner, the three of us, yesterday and today. She insisted on paying for everything. She means well, in her own way. Tomorrow we'll all meet with a VA nurse to discuss things, specifically how him remaining in his own place means he must accept the home attendants coming in. She sees how much work it is to go places with him. She sees how slowed down, mentally, he has become. She seems to be genuinely trying to be nice.

At least, now, when she goes home, she'll much better grasp the reality of where he's at. He's being real nice and thanking me for what I've been doing.

I' m glad now that the daughter has come out.

I am most concerned about you in all this ((Rose)), what ever settles "your" mind as I know you want it "right".

((Hugs))

At least there will be a face to face meeting of someone in his family and a staff person from the VA . . . a meeting that I'll witness. I feel this brings the family a little more into the loop. If me helping him manage his care at home starts to become an unworkable situation, then I can tell the VA and the family that they need to work something else out. And I still have a contingency plan of leaving town to visit my family, while someone does something. I guess I feel that's my safety hatch.

I think it was important for at least someone in his family to see the work involved first hand. I think you just needed that because you seem to have gained some relief by it thus far. These challenges just have to be taken one day at a time, thats all one can do really Rose. It sounds like he is appreciating it so far.

Keep us posted.

((Supportive Hugs))
OE

I'm so glad to hear that this is going well. I hope the daughter is getting a good idea of how much care her father requires and starts preparing for the day when he can no longer live at home.

The VA nurse did a good job of pointing out to my S/O and his daughter that, if I find the situation unmanageable as it is, then the VA will be calling the family. Then it will be on the family and the VA and APS to place him in a facility. The VA nurse even mentioned how many families at this point in time pitch in financially to hire help for the homecare. (That ain't happening here, but she was highlighting how much I was doing and pointed out that most frail elders don't have a "Rose" to pick up all the slack.) At the end of the meeting, I asked my S/O in front of everyone, "What did you get out of this meeting?" His answer was, "Nothing!" Then I looked at daughter and nurse and said, "Well, now you see how hard he can be to work with." I restated my last resort plan of just leaving town for a few months. So we'll see.

Now I've got 2 hours home in my own place to shower and change to get ready for today's outing. Feels so nice to be home by myself.

Unfortunately, many people hear "nothing" if it isn't what they "want" to hear or even requires "effort or accountability" on their part. Financial support is only a Hi, Bye, and dinner and a bottle of wine to his daughter too.

Well, daughter has left. She actually ended up being a lot nicer than I expected. She thanked me profusely. It seemed sincere. I kind of feel better about everything.

so glad to hear this!

Rose, the directness and to-the-pointedness of your question to the S/O ("What did you get out of this meeting?") was brilliant. You could have spent hours on the phone explaining to the VA nurse or the daughter how difficult he is, at times, and it would not have been as nearly as effective as the short exchange when everybody was face-to-face.

There was one thing that I could have done without. While my s/o was sleeping one night I sat up with daughter sharing some wine. She launched in to a discussion about how she would like to have him cremated, when the time comes, rather than traditional arrangements. She's afraid her 2 sibs won't kick in financially, for funeral and she fears getting stuck with big funeral expense. My s/o has no money or insurance. I don't feel his burial is my responsibility, since I don't live with him, and he never supported me.

She said traditional funeral would involve undertaker expense in two different cities and flying remains 2000 miles. He doesn't worry about the matter. In the past, he has told me to just walk away and let the VA take care of the body. (They will, if no one claims the body.) I reminded her that VA does provide cemetery arrangements, in any case. She said she was worried about other expenses. She's come at me on this subject more than once in the past . . . always bringing up cremation. I sense she is really looking for my blessing on cremation.

Personally, I intensely dislike cremation, but I feel it's their business what they do for their father in the end. I've been thinking of offering $2000 contribution from me, in the hope it would help cover traditional burial, but I guess that wouldn't nearly make up for difference in cost between two approaches. So I figure, I'll stay out of it, and they can do what they like.

She wants him cremated out here where we live and, then, the remains sent back 2000 miles to where they are. That pretty much wipes out a normal funeral. That's a little sad for me, but I don't think it's really my business.

His kids resent that he never took out insurance to cover final arrangements. I understand that. I have insurance set up that will eliminate my family being stuck with any bills for my own funeral. I can't answer for his failure to do the same.

This daughter has $15,000 life insurance on her father that she took out 5 years ago. She says her sibs would not contribute to the cost of premiums and hold the policy jointly with her. So she considers that money hers, as, indeed, it is. She says that they better not criticize what she does about final arrangements, if she ends up picking up the full bill. I'm not sure what, if anything, should be my response when this matter gets brought up to me.

I do know that I'm not ever going to any crematorium to pick up any box of pulverized remains. They can have that shipped. This conversation seems so crass. But, I guess, when you die broke, even your kids don't want to pick up any tab for you. I know families differ. It will seem awful weird, if there is not even a church service, but I guess that costs money, too.

If anyone reading this knows anything about cost of transporting remains by air, in terms of what is required and cost, I'm trying to find that out. I haven't found a lot on line. I always hoped I would send him home in one piece, but it might cost more than I could come up with.

Now I'm starting to resent this family again, after I had just gotten in a better frame of mind. Meanwhile, they resent their father for having nothing financially. When he was homeless repeatedly, years ago, (related to alcoholism) it was me who undertook the cost of helping him off the streets. They say he would be dead long ago, if it weren't for me. I feel like I've taken care of him in life, and that's really all that is important to me.

Oh my, what a sobering discussion and no fun! I don't know if he would be interested but there is an organization called Bodies for Science. My husband and I are signed up as we feel that will be our final contribution to this world. You still pay $350.00 to have the body taken to their hospital and then for 2 years they use it for research. At the end, it is cremated and the remains sent to whoever wants them, or they are disposed of. Just a thought when I read your post. Another big hug for you Rose, you are awesome!

Thanks, Hannabee, but that wouldn't be an option for me. I'm kind of old fashioned. I even had my dog buried in a coffin.

I know that dead is dead. It shouldn't matter much what becomes of a lifeless body, but I guess we are influenced by a variety of things, like what has been traditional in our families. People often break with tradition. The times are changing. I just wish my friend could be buried as his parents were. But I don't have the money for that. I guess I have no right to have an opinion about what his family does. I just wonder what most people would do. His kids are all pretty secure financially. In my family, we would all kick in to cover cost of burial for indigent. But different families have different values.

Wow, I like this idea a lot!

Rose, what would you say if he were to be cremated, but the urn placed in the grave of his parents? My mom and grandma were cremated because there was no room for the coffins in the grave where the coffins of my grandpa and greatgrandma had been before, but the cemetery allowed burial of the urns, so we still have a family grave, and I think it is a good compromise. Also, some people say that they prefer for their remains to be cremated and then sprinkled over sea waters.

That's what his daughter was talking about . . . either depositing ashes at sea, or in a military cemetery because, as a vet, he gets that for free. The VA provides the plot and marker. They pay for opening and closing the grave. The kids are worried about getting stuck with the cost of buying a coffin, which I guess averages $2000, and the cost of paying the undertaker in two places, here and where they live.

They'll do what they want. I won't worry too much about it. I'm on social security, but could pitch in a few thousand. If each of them did the same, it would be $8000, which should be enough to bury him. But they balk at spending, even though they are all pretty well off. This daughter earns over $100,000/year. But she works hard for it.

I need to worry about the here and now. I'll like to go home tonight, after being with him the past week and a half.

What does you SO have to say, what are his wishes?

He refuses to state any preferences. He knows that someone else will have to pick up the tab for whatever is done. Knowing him as I do, he probably feels that "he who pays the piper calls the tune." In his heart, he would imagine his funeral and burial to be like those of his parents and of every funeral he has ever been to in his life. But he is humble about the fact that he leaves nothing behind to cover the expense. He has even told me not to ever be burdened by this. He has said, "Just walk away and let the VA do whatever they do."

I looked it up, and the Dept. Of Veterans Affairs will provide burial of a body that is not claimed by anyone. But neither I nor his children would leave his remains unclaimed.

Something has just come to me a little while ago. My impression is that his children would not even be planning a church ceremony. I think that is maybe what bothers me more than the cremation. I think I know what I will do. I will have him brought to my church in a rented casket for a funeral Mass. Then the remains can be cremated and shipped to his children. And they can then do whatever they like.

Though I be the only one at the Mass, I will be content. He will be blessed and prayed over in the way that his and my ancestors have been for 15 centuries. That's really all I need worry about. I think I can manage to pay for that. I will manage it. Now, though in tears, I am at peace.

It is a great solution, Rose.

It's disturbing to me that the daughter has given more thought to the funeral process than to your suffering in trying to take care of her father.

I think your solution is a good one. I am not sure if it would be an option for you, but one side of my family seems partial to memorial services months after the body has been taken care of. They tend to wait until everyone can get together and then have a full service.