I want her back in my life

Hi all. I've got this issue. There is a girl I care so much about and I really love her very much. But, we are not on speaking terms because of something I did, but it's not something wrong, and I have, despite it not really being a mistake, asked her for her forgiveness, to which she said it's not necessary because I did no wrong and she wasn't angry with me. But, she still ignores me, and has been ignoring me for almost 2 years now. I just want an opinion on what I should do.

So, for some background, this girl was a classmate of mine at university. This was long before I had found out about all my mental health issues. Spending over a year with her in one class, I really fell in love with her. It was not a love at first sight deal, it was like real love over time, getting to know her and I really cared very much about her and loved her very much. I did, for a long time, wish I could be her boyfriend and she could be my girlfriend, but I just never had the courage to tell her how I felt, because I was sure she wouldn't see me like that. She did show signs of interest for over a year, but I just wasn't sure and I didn't want to screw up our friendship. I mean, she was even dating other guys, and although it really hurt for me to see her with someone else, I didn't say anything because she looked happy. But it was especially during her relationships with them when she would show her signs of interest in me most of all . So, I was rather confused and didn't know if she was being just friendly or what. So, anyway, we ended up graduating and we went our separate ways. It was then that I began to miss her very much. Suddenly, a huge void opened up in my life. I never realized how much I really did love her and loved being near her. I was surprised, I never knew I could feel that even, a love so deep. I am a pretty unemotional guy to say the least, I mean nothing phases me, ever. But, this was crazy, I didn't know what to do. Sometimes I would call her just to hear her voice. I would call her for over an hour and she would talk about such a lot of things and I would just listen. She would tell me about her new job, how happy she was, and I would just listen and it felt so good to hear how happy she was. A year after parting ways, I just couldn't take it anymore, I wrote her a love letter and sent it to her. I confessed that I loved her very much. She was stunned and so shocked that she couldn't even answer me. I know I screwed up, the guilt still eats me alive to this day. I begged for her forgiveness, and she said it was OK, she's not angry with me. That was the last I ever heard from her. I didn't want to call her again, I felt so dirty and like I had done such a dirty thing. I was so ashamed of myself and I didn't want to call her in case she is so disgusted at the sight of my number calling her phone. So, I deleted her number from my phone too, in case the temptation got too much.

It pains not to hear from this girl. I really love her, I just can't help it. She has so many lovable qualities about her.

OK, so I also did a lot of stints with a therapist and in the meantime I discovered all these mental health issues I have and I see everything in a very different light now.

I have made the decision to not ever marry or have children in my life, and instead wish to dedicate my life to scientific causes that can change the world, as being a scientist is the thing I am most good at in my life. My career has gone through a low due to my personal problems, but that's what I still want, I think, I don't know. I am also an artist apparently, that is what the evaluator said. So in the same brain I am logical/analytical and creative, and it is true, I am creative and artistic too. It's rather weird - science is the most bland and boring thing, artistically speaking, but I'm good at it. OK, so I'm weird, and hence the decision I made, which I am really fine with actually, as I realize I would be a rather hard person to deal with and live with on a daily basis. So, I said, OK, I'm not going to put a woman through the misery of being involved with me and thus my decision was not to marry. Also, the autism is transferable to your children, so hence my decision not to be a dad either. Also, I know I'll be a rubbish dad, so that's another deciding factor.

The bottom line is, now I seek not a romantic involvement with any girl anymore. But, I really do still care about and love this girl very much. I'm not going to marry her or try to date her and she is probably involved with another guy anyway. But, it feels like I really lost someone so special, for no good reason. I really wish I could talk with her again. I know she is scared of me and doesn't want to speak with me, but how can I convince her that it is really OK, and I pose no threat to her?

I'd really like her in my life again. I still love her and care so much about her and it's so painful not to even know how she is doing in her career and life. It feels like I lost her forever. I didn't know at the time that romantic relationships were out of bounds for me because of my m. h. issues. I only realized later that my love for her is even deeper than that, deeper than dating or marriage even. She is just someone I really care so much about. I lost her because of something so stupid, because I was thinking about love the way the world sees it - all about being in love, and romantics and sex. I was defining it wrong. I feel much deeper for her than "skin deep". I lost a really good friend too. It feels like she's gone and I've lost her forever .

Hi...I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
I can only really offer support and perhaps a point of view, but please bear in mind that you may see things differently because you have different issues than I do (besides the depression).

From what you say, I see this girl as only having been a friend to you. You may have wished for more, but she wasn't feeling it. In order to spare you additional heartbreak, she made the (very kind) decision to cut all ties with you.

Now, this was two years ago and, given that time frame, I think it's time to leave this all behind you. Difficult, given your obsessive personality (as stated as part of your dx). But not impossible.

So you DID lose someone special to you, but not because of anything you did. Confessing your love to her was an honest move on your part (not to do so would have been more difficult for you, you can be sure of that).

And as far as your romantic life...well, never say never. Things happen that we have no control over all of the time. And I know that for someone with OCD, this is a very difficult thing to accept. But just be open to possibilities. Sure you may get hurt, but is it fair to yourself to vow never to be in a relationship, just based on the POSSIBILITY of getting hurt? You'll miss out on some very good times....

If you were simply venting, then my apologies.

Thanks Sophiesmom .

Yeah, I'm over the whole romantic thing actually, I've actually been chatting to someone. I don't know how clear I might be coming through, but the thing is, I'd really like to restore a friendship with this girl. I still care about her. I am well in control of my romantic feelings, that's a thing of the past, given all my issues too, it's for the best.

What I mean is, I'd just really like to know how she's doing, I still care about her a lot, and I do love her, not romantically, but as someone special in my life. The thing is, I think she did like me somewhat, but it was my non-response to her "signals" that turned her off of me I reckon. I've come to realize that's all thanks to my lovely Asperger's syndrome, which renders me incapable of identifying social cues and signals from people. She was a shy person, and her signals were never going to be obvious as such. She is a lot like me actually, just a lot nicer of course .

But barring all that, it's just not being able to care about her that's getting me. I don't care about the relationship aspect, I really just lost a good friend, whom I'd like to get back.

This is a very familiar situation, not from me, but from someone else I have been in communication with. The time period was about the same, too.

The problem here, I think, is knowing when to cut your losses. It's very, very sad for all of us to lose a friend, but it does happen. And not necessarily for any reason other than people move on. They get jobs elsewhere, they get a new group of friends and they carry on with their own lives.

I fondly remember past relationships and wonder how people are now doing. Some I really do mourn the loss off. But knowing when to let go is a vital part of future happiness. It is not easy, however.

In my opinion, if she did like you romantically, you would have known. Women tend to have the knowledge that men have to usually be hit over the head and we act accordingly.

I can't speak to the rest of your issues and how they're affecting this part of your life, but I am recognizing some obsession....perhaps not with her, but with the concept of what could have been..

She has some very good points! We have an innate gift when it comes to getting a man's attention if we want it bad enough! And you did your part to reconcile, the rest is up to her. Forgive yourself, love is NOT a crime. Nor is it an unforgivable sin! There could be any number of reasons why she won't speak to you. A jealous boyfriend or maybe she feels shame and guilt over how she treated you. It could even be that she (for some reason) doesn't feel like she deserves you. My point is, there is no reason to take full responsibility for her actions (or lack of) when you don't know what her reasons are. In all likelihood, its not your fault. A woman's heart is often times full of secrets.

Any attempts to convince her to change her mind will just signal that you do not respect her boundaries. I would approach this problem from a different angle. How can you convince yourself to leave her alone? You can control and influence your own behaviors, not other people's.

You are right, that is why I stopped pursuing the whole issue all together. I have broken all contact opportunities with her and it is basically impossible for me to do so now. I did convince myself to leave her alone, actually two years ago already.

The way I did it was not very kind to myself, but it's the only thing that worked. I convinced myself that I was a monster and that I didn't deserve a single minute's consideration by her. I told myself that she feels sick to the pit of her stomach at the mere mention of my name, and that she is a much better human being than me. Once you feel that shame and ugliness about yourself, it is very easy to leave that person alone. I would not recommend this method to anyone who has self-hate issues, as it can destroy you totally. I just did it because it worked for me and is for the most part true anyway.

The reason I started this thread is because I just wanted to state how nice it would be to have her back in my life as a friend. Thank you all for your inputs, your perspectives are pretty much spot on! You guys are saying more or less the same thing that I am saying to myself with regards to this situation - that it is pretty much over and I have lost her for good, in any way, shape or form.

I thought people could forgive me for my crimes against them, but clearly I was mistaken.

(Sigh) HOW MANY TIMES do I have to tell you that you are NOTHING LESS THAN BEAUTIFUL before you start to believe me??!! Don't make me have to fly over there and spank your butt! I'm scared to death of airplanes! It hurts me that you talk negatively about yourself!

It sounds like she did forgive you. It sounds like she does not bear you ill will. However, I suppose that she decided that she could not "unknow" what you confessed to her. So she forgave but decided that she could not continue a relationship in view of what she knows and cannot "unknow".

I know dear, but I need to do it this way, it's the only trick that works. As soon as I think not like this and feel positively, I feel I deserve some kind of a chance with her again, which I know I don't, not because I'm bad, but for some unknown reason. As long as that reason is unknown, I will wonder about it. So, I make up a reason to yield the desired result which she wants.

I know you have a "method to your madness" to help you cope, but I can't help but to be defensive of you because I know how truly wonderful you really are! I wish there was some other way for you too get past this! You don't deserve to hurt this way!

Maybe I do deserve it. I just don't make the grade with people in general. I am not clever enough to understand people and interact with them properly, any person. I am just too stupid, emotionally, to find favour with other people in order to be their friend. It's like being under-qualified for a job, you just can't get the job if you can't do the job. It hurts, yes, but it's reality. By thinking I am good enough to be part of this person's life or that person's life, I am just living in denial, trying to deny a simple truth. Only the strong survive, you know the old saying. If you just don't make it, you just don't make it - that's me. I'll never make it with anyone, and it's time I realize it.

[QUOTE=StbGuy;4073296]Maybe I do deserve it. I just don't make the grade with people in general. I am not clever enough to understand people and interact with them properly, any person. I am just too stupid, emotionally, to find favour with other people in order to be their friend. It's like being under-qualified for a job, you just can't get the job if you can't do the job. It hurts, yes, but it's reality. By thinking I am good enough to be part of this person's life or that person's life, I am just living in denial, trying to deny a simple truth. Only the strong survive, you know the old saying. If you just don't make it, you just don't make it - that's me. I'll never make it with anyone, and it's time I realize it.[/QUOTE

EXCUSE ME??? You are OVER QUALIFIED to me! Are you not a part of MY LIFE? I see we still have alot of work to do! Lucky for you I'm very patient, and care about you VERY MUCH! You are right about one thing though, YOU ARE in denial and you DO need to except it. You DENY that you are worthy of love and that you are good enough..... but YOU ARE and I wish to God you could see that! I have nothing but time on my hands and I have nothing better to do than to keep telling you that until you finally see the truth! You are an extraordinary human being!! You've helped me more than words can say and I'm forever and eternally grateful to you! The person you described would never have done that for me!

Just came by to say......I told you so!!!!! Love ya!

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I want her back in my life

Yep, I can certainly relate to that, although for me, ... *woman

Best of luck to you.