My only sister wants nothing to do with me

I just don't understand at all. I think I am like the old scraggly dog that no wants to my sister. Even though she continually kicks me to make me go away, I keep going back, wagging my tail and trying to ask her to love me.

She is 7 years younger than me so I guess it was not easy for us to be close because of that. Over the years she has done many, many hurtful things to me. Said really hateful and rude things when I was going through trials, various things. First really hurtful thing I remember was at Christmas one year when I was a teenager, she and my dad (?) played a cruel trick on me. Told me there was a car out in the driveway for me...it was a toy model car, just like the one I had been talking about a lot. Wow. I guess my dad was an immature mean person also.

Then of course some major hurts, when I was truly suffering through a mental health crisis, she and my dad kicked me out of his house the day I had gotten out of a hospital, just after a suicide attempt. Told me I could no longer live there because I was causing problems. My dad was putting me through hell so we argued a lot. How was this her place? She also gave away all my belongings that I had in storage, a whole house of nice furniture, everything I owned. She said it was because my dad did not want to pay the storage fee any longer. Of course they did not give me the opportunity to try to go through my things or sell them. She sold them and gave some of the money to my sons, then gave away the rest to her neighbors. What a fiasco that was. Who does that?

That was about 5 years ago. So I got better and finally decided I would forgive her for everything last year and when our mom died, I thought we became close and everything was ok. Well, of course I committed an infraction last year, I could not drive my dad all over creation for some doctors appointments when she asked me to, I was going through acute klonopin withdrawal. So she got really angry, hung up on me and after that made it clear that she wanted nothing to do with me, without coming right out and saying it. She did say once that her plate was too full for me to be trying to call her or come to her house and be 'buddies'.

So tonight, she called me about Thanksgiving. Basically told me that she is not really planning to have people over, but let me know if my family...my sons and grandchildren are planning to come over. She had heard from my dad that my son and I discussed having it at his house, since mine is too small. Plus she said that "you know you don't like to come to my house". It's more like that she just does not want me there. Obviously I CANNOT get the message from her all these years that she just plain old does not want me in her life for any reason, ever. This hurts me so badly, I cry about it at times. Just tonight it felt like another dagger being plunged into my heart. I really cannot think of anything so horrible or even bad that I did to her that makes her dislike me so. Therapists have told me that perhaps she was jealous of me somehow. Cannot imagine why she would be. Makes no sense to me. Two therapists asked me why I even would want her in my life.

At times like these I think I should write her a one time, meaningful letter to say that "I love you, but you have hurt me too many times...you won't have to see me anymore since that seems to be what you want." I do have lots of anger towards her at times also. How very painful this fresh hurt is.

Sometimes letters are fine to write, yet better left unsent. As they are usually about healing your own wounds. Unless, she's willing to budge on her position, probably won't get too far. Can one of your sons host the meal, instead of subjecating yourself to more tearing of your self esteem?

I may write a letter fully intending to send it and then not. I have had that suggestion before. I am 59 years old, I don't feel like the relationship has any hope for redemption. May as well get it all out in the open, why not?

My son is going to host Thanksgiving. He was also very hurt by my sister's callous words, the uninvite to her home included my sons and family.

This may just sound like family drama but it has significantly hurt my self esteem. How bad of a person are you if your own sister wants nothing to do with you? I have heard people base their whole opinion of someone on what a family member says about them.

This is starting to ruin the whole damn holiday for me now. I am trying really hard not to let it. My dad called me today, she told him that she was 'fine' with having everyone at her house. What a liar, she is just trying to make herself look good. So if I tell my dad the truth of it, who is he going to believe? The golden child or the one with a really bad history with him AND mental illness? Hmm....let me see.

I truly believe you should let go of your sister, she is causing you so much pain. You have your own family, concentrate on them, forget about her.
She is enjoying the power she has over you, take that power away.

Yes this ^

Yes marmaduke and Christina, this is the sad conclusion I have come to since our last conversation. I guess I will just never understand why. Why, why, why? Guess I will never stop loving her and wondering why it has to be this way.

You are a good person, a strong person, and that is why you keep loving her even after she has been so terrible to you.

I am so sorry that she cannot see and respect that strength.

I also worried myself to death over my own estranged sister....I always thought that it was something that I had done and asked her repeatedly what it was.

One day, I gave myself permission to let it go and acknowledge that I did everything within my power to mend our relationship and realize that she wasn't interested.

At some point, you have to stop blaming yourself for the problems of others.

Just because someone is family doesn't make them a friend & doesn't mean that you have to waste your time & effort trying to make a relationship work. Some people we just have to write out of our lives.....you can only do so much.....then you have to accept it for what it is.....NOTHING & don't bother going back or dealing with the family drama....remove yourself from ALL of the situations that touch her life.

Sure, your dad is in the middle.....but you can see your dad when you don't have to have any contact with your sister & you don't even have to let your dad know where things stand as in reality, it's NONE of his business either.

Yes, holiday's are a tough time of year because it throws us into family relationships we really don't want to bother with.....but sometimes it's best to just stay within your own little family unit & not bother with the rest......& you don't have to explain...just saying that you will be only getting together with your own family....if your boys want to visit the rest of the family....that's their business....but it doesn't have to be yours.

Know it's difficult, but it's the healthy thing to do.

Ok, I get that I have to put an end to this pain. Her having such power over me that a few choice words can destroy me, even temporarily, has to stop! Or at least I have to somehow figure out how to accept that she wants nothing to do with me. If she felt so desperate to not have me at her house that she had to lie to my father and obviously hurt me, she must have some real hatred towards me.

I get it completely, but it is extremely painful to me right now. This whole thing has snowballed, telling my son hurt him, made him angry and now he is not communicating with me at all about Thanksgiving. Wow, holidays are painful the last few years for me. I understand it logically, but it is impossible for me to not take it personally. I feel like now that I may end up at home alone, super sad and crying. Much like I am today. Didn't even sleep last night and that makes for feeling awful all over physically.

I'm getting angry now so I think I will end up telling my dad the truth of the situation, even if he acts like he does not believe me. He is insisting to know what we are going to do, so even though she led him to believe that she was "fine" with having everyone to her home, that is simply not true. Otherwise I don't know how to explain that we are having a split family holiday. This could very well be his last year to be with us. I am the one that is expected to suck it up and act as if everything is just fine, accept the lie that has been put on to me yet I am the one with the mental dysfunction.

I don't know the right thing to do, I sure could use some help. Meanwhile, I am just going to keep on planning my so called holiday dinner, even if I have to eat the whole damn thing at home alone.

💟💟💟💟(((((((flg))))))💟💟💟💟

Thanks for the hugs. I am just a mess today, keep crying and now just don't care about the holiday anymore. Thanks for the love sis!

I'll be alone too. I'm going to be cooking some chicken and maybe some hamburger, and maybe some frozen broccoli. Not exactly a feast but oh well. And maybe a pan of brownies.

Of course everybody's situation is different, but speaking for myself, I was the member of the family that everyone got to dump on, and I eventually realised that I felt really guilty if I did anything to upset them, while they didn't give one damn about how rude they were to me. And that, basically, they weren't going to change. All the time they could mentally kick me, they would. And enjoy doing it!

So now, I don't have too much to do with them. I no longer feel the slightest guilt about responding in kind to their negativity. But I think its funny- the shocked look on their faces when I first started to stand up for myself. Like the dog had learned to talk!

Sometimes, to get yourself sorted, you just have to learn to say, "xxxx you, I don't need this, and I'm out of here."

Well, that's just my opinion. Good luck.

That sounds good actually angelique. I love broccoli and brownies.

Tony, I am just like you. They all are shocked when I do speak out against them, but I just keep doing it. I just cowered trying to get my sister to put down the weapons!

Today it all just hit me like a rock. I talked to my son again for a minute, when he heard more drama, he just didn't call back. Cannot say I blame him, but I am about to say F*** it all, cook my own delicious food and stay the F*** home. If someone wants to come get a plate, they can!!! Freaking holidays!

The kicker is that I did call my dad and tell him the truth and he just kept saying that he just could not believe that my sister said those things to me. Said the two of us should try harder to get along and it makes him sad. Boom! That sounds like a guilt trip plus I don't believe a word you say. Fine, whatever. I told him that I certainly did not imagine it, she is misrepresenting the facts to him which is not fair and puts me in a difficult situation. I am not surprised, this is sort of what my family is like historically. I am the scapegoat, I imagine all kinds of hurt and basically all disharmony is my fault. Lovely!

Looks like dinner for one!

I think it is very significant that in your original post you described the trick that your sister and father played on you. Although on the surface, just a joke, behaviour of this sort can be very damaging, and also says a lot about the way your family is set up. Your father had no place to be siding with your sister in playing tricks on you. It must have been very painful.

However, what I have found, for myself, is that you forgive others not for their sake, but your own. You burden yourself when you carry anger and so on around with you. Its just a dead weight that you have to get rid of to free yourself. Now, when I deal with them, I just try to do the right thing, but I do that from my sense of self respect more than anything else. Do the right thing, and expect nothing. Right action!

Freaking holidays! Shopping is one of my least favourite pastimes. I live in the UK, and they have just imported Black Friday over here. Riots at midnight at the supermarket as the punters fight for bargains. The spirit of Christmas!

Keep your head down, and keep smiling, that's my motto. ;-)

Close the door & let them have themselves....you really won't be missing anything other than their destroying your sanity.

Cut it & stop the games.....or keep playing.....think cutting the relations will definitely be best even in your long run & even if they don't want to understand what the cause is & even if they lay the blame on you.....YOU ARE THE ONE THAT KNOWS THE TRUTH & IT"S NOT RELATIVE. The way they are treating you IS WRONG!!!!!

Thanks so much guys. You are right, forgiveness is for your own sanity. Now that this whole thing has turned into a 'situation', it is like it has become an event! I have gone through shock, anger, denial and depression. The stages of grief. I have yet to get to acceptance. That is going to take a while.

My sister's behavior caused a rift in the whole family. It upset my dad and my sons, my family which is now separate from my sister's family ended up having a crappy thanksgiving day. Nothing seemed right, people were snapping at each other. The whole vibe was just awful and ugly. Even my daughter in law said that she felt it. How sad! I really did try to find some happiness and joy, playing with the grandkids, enjoying the food. Something weird happened when we sat down to eat, I don't know if I was just unhappy with the food situation or if just the whole mood was sour, but this awful feeling came over me as we started to eat. I guess things were not at all like I wished they would be. My son cooked the turkey but his mood was so foul for some reason, I had to keep after him to carve it. I am glad it's over for sure!!!

I decided that there must be some real pathology going on with my sister if she did not want my family around so badly that she felt the need to cause such hurt and drama. She had to know that it would. Even my poor elderly dad was upset and spent the day alone, visiting my mom's grave. It has just been a year since she passed away also.

This is going to be a rough holiday season for us all I fear. Why one person would intentionally cause a divide in a family? Obviously it is her sickness, not mine. She mentioned that she would be amenable to having us over at Christmas. Ha, fat chance. She has dealt a fatal blow to our relationship. Others can go to be with her but I will not. I wish it did not have to be this way. Truly sad.

It's like my first therapist said, "Sometimes the only person you can save is yourself".

Small consolation, I know ... After enduring 33.5 years of horrid abuses by my family of origin, I finally kicked them to the curb for good.

I did attempt to reconcile with my only sister, but it failed miserably after our mother (primary abuser) died and she reconnected with our brother (secondary abuser). As soon as she started talking all that old abusive crap again, I told her that I was not about to go back and drink the koolaid.

It was just as painful, if not moreso, having to sever all contact that 2nd time, and as much as it grieves me, there won't be a third attempt to reconnect. There was another brother too, but he left and didn't look back several years before any of the rest of us.

It sucks to come from families like this as it is totally impossible to explain to those who've never been there how it came to be that you don't have anything to do with your family of origin and why.

I Just wanted you to know you aren't alone and that as painful as it is, sometimes our toxic families of origin are the ones that cause us the most damage and, therefore, are the very people we need to stay away from for our own physical and emotional well-being the most.

Sorry you're having to feel the sting of all this too.

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

Pfrog,

Thanks for sharing your family situation with me. Yes it is unbelievably difficult to have such a dysfunctional family. When you try to do the right thing, by forgiving and moving on, others are going to judge you for moving on. They will say that you should not give up on the relationship and keep trying. After 50+ years of trying, I have had enough hurt. Good for you for thinking more of yourself than to keep subjecting yourself to more pain!

My dad came from a really bad situation in the 1920's. His mother died when he was very young, he and his four brothers were sent to live with Aunts and then ended up with some truly evil stepmothers. He will hardly talk about that. The family history is confusing. Amazingly he had a great relationship for many years with his brothers. However, the pathology he had to endure in those formitive years turned him into an angry and bitter person. He took any difficulties he had with life out on my poor sweet mom and myself. He liked to pick on people he considered to be weak. He was a weekend alcoholic it seemed and then nastiness ensued!

I say all that to show how I was brought up to think I was not worth a dime and never would be worth anything. My innate personality was very sensitive to cruel remarks so that just did not work for me. My sister had the personality of my dad, she adopted that mean spirited way of dealing with life and continues on with that ever since. She would deny that, states that she has lots of friends. She has pets she loves to death, puts on a very caring demeanor to others which she has never show to me. That is ironic because that is exactly how my dad treated me.

So that is my family history 101, unpleasant as it was. I definitely should make new friends and find a new 'family' but that is going to be difficult with all this social anxiety going on right now. Allegedly it will get better according to folks that have gone through this time of protracted withdrawals from klonopin and benzos. Allegedly! I hope so, I need to get a new life at age 59!