How to stop obsessing over someone. Please help me.

I can definitely relate to this. Especially when it comes to ex's. There are so many layers and people on here have already given you some great responses so my thoughts on this may not add much, but here goes .

At a basic level, obsessions are thoughts that get reinforced. I think what's important isn't so much the content of the obsession or the fact that you're having those thoughts in the first place (it's easy to beat yourself up for having these thoughts, isn't it), but it's more the meaning that you attach to the thoughts/obsession/fantasy that have an impact. So it isn't just 'I'm thinking about my ex constantly'- it's important to identify what it means to me - am I thinking of how I deserve to be punished for something bad I'd done in the relationship? Am I thinking that this person would never be with ME (insert all the negative things I think about myself)? It is easy for thoughts to take a negative downward spiral (for me at least). Negative self-talk is a big part of depression, as well as hopelesness - I think sometimes obsessing about someone who isn't available sets up this cycle. Ask your brain a question like "why aren't they with me?" "what's *insert person in their life* got that I don't?" and your brain will fill in the gaps with a lot of negative or insecure answers. Most of the time, our feelings are related to the assocation or perspective we take on something. I hope that all made some sense ...

Obviously this person was very special and was a very positive influence on your life. I liked the idea someone put about how it's likely filling a void. Sometimes we meet these incredible, influencial people and it's only natural to want that feeling or that person to be part of our lives. I think it's natural to feel a loss or a void when we either can't or no longer have these people in our lives.

Thoughts can't be turned off, but constantly reinforcing them makes it more likely that they'll keep showing up (i.e., by attaching meaning). One thing that helps me is to not lock on in an emotional way to my thoughts. It isn't always possible of course! Distraction is helpful to find other things to put your attention or energy on to. There can be room for other things besides thoughts about this person. Channel the positives you took from your experience with this person toward a new direction in your life. The person will never truly be gone and in a way you're preserving the good that came out of that relationship and applying it to your life now. Letting go doesn't have to mean forgetting.

Im sure this is the time to let her go. Want to make a fresh start in 2015. If i dont let her go now, when will I ever? Dont want to let this haunt me till the day i die. Its time to stop whining.

I made a list with triggers, things that make me daydream and think about her again.
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I think those are the main triggers. Ofcourse I have all these memories that randomly pop up in my head but i just have to block it. I'm not sure how I will fix it but I have to

Have you tried the paradoxical approach to this?
Set aside a period of time every day, such as 30 or 60 minutes.
Allow yourself to indulge your obsession for this time and this time only.
If you find your thoughts drifting back to the object of your obsession outside of the prescribed time, remind yourself that now is not the time to be thinking of this, you have your "obsession time" scheduled at another time during the day.
During the time you have set aside, you can write, fantasize, etc, but you must only do so during the time you have scheduled.
It may take a few tries to get it dialed in, but I have witnessed good success with this strategy. It's right out of the Jay Haley playbook on ordeal therapy.

Im sure this is the time to let her go. Want to make a fresh start in 2015. If i dont let her go now, when will I ever? Dont want to let this haunt me till the day i die. Its time to stop whining.

I made a list with triggers, things that make me daydream and think about her again.

1. Watching women on TV who look like her( there are some dutch artists who really look like her for some strange reason.)
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Thank you Angelique!x

Wow i just fell back into my old habits today... with daydreaming and so. I have no idea how this happend. But i gotta stop right now.

Wow i just fell back into my old habits today... with daydreaming and so. I have no idea how this happend. But i gotta stop right now.

Elin,

You are not alone. For my whole life, I have had a tendency to form easy and strong attachments to people who are basically casual acquaintances. The objects of my attachment are usually around the same age as my parents. I attribute this to the fact that my parents were alcoholics throughout my childhood, and I could not count on them to make good decisions for me or themselves. When a teacher, family friend, or health care provider showed concern and compassion for me (or otherwise gave me positive attention), I would immediately become very attached to that person and imagine all sorts of fantasy scenarios where that person was a family member who loved me. Now, though I am an adult, I still struggle with this. It is nothing romantic or sexual...I just find myself desiring a close relationship with these people and wanting them to take care of me.

Most recently, I became attached to a doctor who was very kind to me and provided wonderful care when I needed it. He is about my father's age, as usual. I spend a lot of time during the day thinking about him, fantasizing about situations where I run into him and have an interaction, and about ways that I can maintain a connection with him even though I am no longer his patient. I have done some things I'm not proud of. I regularly look at his wife's Facebook page and his son's Instagram account, for example. Their privacy settings are such that I can see pictures, and sometimes they will post pictures of him. I also have looked up some (free) background information on him. I could tell you a lot about his life just from the information that is readily available on the internet. Too much. I'm pretty much obsessed. I have wondered if what I am doing could be considered stalking, but I don't know. I would never do anything like drive by his house or follow him or anything over the top like that. I would never call him on the phone, even though after our last appointment he told me I could (I didn't ask for that...he just volunteered it, but I wouldn't). I don't think he has any idea I feel the way I do. At least, I certainly hope not. I will never cause a problem for him or do anything to make him or his family uncomfortable. I just wish things could be different. Basically, I wish he were my dad. My own dad is pretty messed up, and as far as our relationship, he takes way more than he gives.

Anyway, thanks for listening. I'm right there with ya girl.

thanks alot for your answer. i don't think that could be considered stalking. you are just attached and interested in him. i'm so sorry for you, unfortunately i cant give any advice since im in the same boat but big hug for you

i'm so sick! it's been 2.5 yrs and still obsessed! so sick! when I think of her, i feel depressed. When i try not to think of her, i feel depressed and it takes lots of my energy too. I just don't know how to live! I'm so messed up! Does it ever stop or?

Its weird, I want someone to like me but I dknt want to like anyone

Hmmm...I'm like that...and I tend to find that it plays out in reality (I don't really like anyone and when I meet someone I tend to focus on their flaws). I think it's probably got something to do with protecting yourself from vulnerability. I don't enjoy the feeling of liking someone as I have a big fear of dependence.

It does stop, just hang in there! I was obsessed for 3 years, and then in week 2 of year 4, it finally all stopped. I don't know if this applies to you, but I'm a Christian and I asked God to just take it all from me, work it out and help me out. I told Him that I don't know how I'm going to live without her. The next day He showed me - I'll be just fine without her . I'll pray for you, and don't worry if you're not Christian or anything, it'll still work.

Hi - I recognise this. I've had similar things and I agree with the person who said you've created an idealised image of perfection based on the idea that 'no one will ever care about you' - you think you've found that rare once-in-a-lifetime occurrence that someone cares about your wellbeing and that you're capable of strong feelings toward someone and you've latched on to it. You long for someone to give a **** about you, and you long to feel closeness with someone, and you have confused that longing with love.

I've done this. I was convinced for years that no one would be able to better my ex and I compared everyone to him. But to be honest, if you tried to ask me what was so great about him, I couldn't really give you any detail. I could remember a couple of things that were really nice, and other things that weren't - although I totally exonorated him for all of it. I didn't believe I was capable of strong feelings for anyone else, since that was the first time I had felt strongly for anyone. I eventually realised I had made him up. The man in my mind, who I longed for, was completely imaginary. My ex was nothing like him. What happened with me was not talking to him and not having contact with him actually made him seem perfect in my mind, as I was able to elevate him without actually speaking to him and finding out that he was just a normal person. I do this with people I don't know or people I won't know again, and the people who have said about casual acquaintances and obsession - it's probably the same thing. You're imagining a perfect person who will meet all of your desires. I've done it with celebrities too, although I wasn't quite a 'fan'. I had obsessive fantasies but was constantly aware they were of an imaginary person because I had never met the celebrity. It's more confusing when you have actually met them.

Trying to stop the thoughts will make it worse. Instead, accept the thoughts. But when they appear, remind yourself that you are longing for connection and to be loved and that you have made this person up, you are not longing for your teacher. She is merely a symbol in your mind.

I know your mind will try to persuade you this isn't true, but if you're like me then that's what's going on. The most bizarre bit is when it ends actually, and you bring that person to mind and think - Huh? What was all that about? There's nothing particularly interesting about them at all...

On the bright side, us lot have a great imagination

Hey, just checking in. It's getting closer to meeting Bill (omg) and im still as crazily obsessed as ever. So many fantasies going through my mind for when I meet him, not that they'll ever happen lol.

I've kind of started to look into other dating possibilities. Its weird, I want someone to like me but I dknt want to like anyone, i dont want anyone then I do, i only want Bill, i dont want a girl anymore, I dknt even know what I'm thinking anymore, it keeps changing! I guess that's ok, i need to just relax a bit and see what happens or doesn't happen.

So this is the day that I was afraid for, for the last 2.5 years.. I went to the mall and I saw her. I thought I died. My heart drop to the floor, i started panicking. I could not breath. I went completely nuts. I was in this store and she was on the other side of the store, so i almost ran out of the store and ran outside.. heavy breathing and stuff. I don't want her to see what a mess I am. it was horrible. I'm so glad she did not see me. But i'm afraid every time I go out that I will see her. I never ever had such a bad panic attack in my life.. exhausted.

Many hugs , wow that's quite something. I must admit, luckily I don't see my person in real life because she lives a 1000 miles away from me, so I am very lucky in that respect. You have the situation of bumping into her. I wish you all the strength in the world!