How to stop obsessing over someone. Please help me.

It will take time though. You cannot change overnight. Also, you've only identified the issues thus far, now still comes the hard part of actually changing things in yourself.

The one way to combat that sky-high ego is to try and break it down from within. For this you'll have to open up completely to her. I don't think you're feelings are fake at all in my opinion. The feelings you have for her - if you were just pretending - she wouldn't matter so much to you. It is your person that you were before that is not allowing you to see that because it's trying to hold on to the old ways were you believed you were in control all the time. I had the same feelings for a girl in my life and I tried many times to convince myself it was just my imagination, or that I was just a monster and couldn't possibly feel true love. Nothing could be further from the truth. I think you may have the same issue, you don't believe it's possible that you can actually care about someone, and this stuff you are feeling must therefore be fake. What you are starting to feel for her is love. No matter how messed up we are as people, it is the one feeling no man can ever escape - somewhere it will intersect with his life. I ignored love my whole life and guess what - it came to find me. OK, my girl and I aren't together, but I don't think I'll ever stop loving her, even if I do love another woman, which I do actually.

You basically have to go against yourself, which is the most difficult challenge any man will ever face in his life.

I'm proud of you because you made real progress, maybe you don't realize that. You are saying that for the first time you are seeing her as a person, not that object (a sex object I would imagine). That's progress.

I was the same, I also only saw girls for their sexual potential. And, you know who's to blame for that? The older men in your life when you're a little boy like your dad, and the ****-head guys/classmates at school. They imprint in a non-verbal manner into your head that girls are all about sex for a guy. It was only till I met this girl that I love, that I realized it's way more than sex. As a man, you almost get this urge to want to protect and cherish her, and hold her, and tell her every second of the day how beautiful she is and how much you love her. Now, if even a loser and half-psycho like me can feel that, I'm sure you can feel it a lot stronger than I. There's a song by a band called "The Police" (lead singer is Sting) and it's called "Everything she does is magic". Man, I get goosebumps and tears when I hear it, describes my situation perfectly.

Don't screw up like I did. I still think about this girl everyday. OK, she wants nothing to do with me, so I'm pretty much screwed, but it sounds like your loved one is actually wanting to give you a chance. And, you can change.

The key is to become vulnerable almost, to put yourself in a position where you're not in control at all. Tell her exactly what you do when you are lying or manipulating her, and give her full power to confront you about it. And, you MUST PROMISE not to get angry one bit. If she says something, no matter how silly it sounds, she's probably right. Women are masters of emotion, they can see stuff in us we didn't even know we had. That's why she cares about you most likely, because she can see a great man in you that you can't even see yourself. Only by breaking down your massive ego and allowing someone else to take control a bit, will you become more and more free by the day, and you'll see, you won't even need all this stupid control crap anymore, eventually you can toss it completely.

I think I know where your problems are coming from, you probably had quite a narcissistic dad like I have.

All the best

Thank you MattBemis and StbGuy for your replies.

To be honest, StbGuy, your reply's really shocking to me. A small part of me do think I might truly like her now, but a large part of me can hardly see that. I have thought a few times about telling her everything, but again, this me wanting to control her comes back - so afraid I'd see she'd finally moved on and I had lost all control. Then of course there's also my ego like you mentioned, and me thinking time will heal everything (only works for a few hours and I'm back to square one. In the past when we split I think this worked only because she'd still contact me, and when I contacted her, she'd be there in an instant. Not now, however).

After writing that post earlier, I actually sent her a message thanking her for always being there for me, in a way to say goodbye, and then blocked her so that I would stop cyber-stalking her. I know facing my fears would always help, but this... it feels, tbh, so scary, and at the same time I'm afraid nothing would come out of it. What would I tell her? What would she think? When would she reply? What if she doesn't reply? What if she's already together with her new guy? What happens next? Would anything be resolved at all? And now, after writing all this, I don't know what's going on anymore. But I guess this is what you mean by putting myself in a situation with no control at all? It's so nerve-wrecking.

Thanks for sharing that song. It rings true for me too, except that part about "love". Honestly, I'm still unsure if it's love I'm feeling for her now. I'm also unsure where this side of me - me wanting to control her - came from. I come from a pretty sheltered and absolutely loving family, and went to a top school in my hometown where things were pretty neat. I do think the source of it could be from my first actual break-up with another girl, who left me because I found out she was cheating on me. From there I went online (since back then I went to an all-boys school) and decided to see what it was like going from one girl to another. I'd create a new account when things got messy and start over...until I met this ex. Again, not because I actually liked her, but because she was what I wanted back then - since she's from a different country, with this huge physical distance between us, it felt like everything was absolutely virtual and thus inconsequential (how wrong I was back then, of course).

I did have very manipulative childhood friends, however, so perhaps that could be another source too. I also really loved playing board games which I had to manipulate opponents in order to win. Maybe there's that too. And now that I think about it, whenever my mom got fed up with me and my siblings when we were young, she'd say things that are clearly untrue like, "I'm a bad mother" while crying, and if we told her she was being unfair she would say, "yeah, I'm unfair, I'm very unfair, the most unfair mother of all," and keep going on and on with how she's the worst. I don't think she was trying to make us feel guilty that way and was just trying to express her feelings, but whenever she did that, I don't know, it just rubs off the wrong way with me each time. Sure, we shouldn't have made her angry in the first place, but... I don't know anymore.

Anyway, I really appreciate you both for pulling up your painful experiences to help me. Thank you very much. Also, thank you elin95 for this thread. It's been really helpful so far, and writing all this out, finally telling people about it, seems to help somehow too. Thank you all.

To Linden23, thanks for the reply. I also came from a very loving family, I am an only child. I never noticed my dad's behaviour though. I never realized the effect it was having on me, until recently. Your mom's behaviour doesn't sound normal at all. In 99% of cases where the person (child) struggles with relationships, the causes can be traced back to the marriage of the parents or an individual parent him/herself. I had the same problem. My dad was my hero when I was a little boy, and I thought the way my parents did things was the be all and end all and the right way it should be done. I thought arguing, shouting, and physical altercations were the norm in a marriage. It's only until I heard other kids parents get divorced when that sort of thing happens that I learnt wow, this stuff is not normal at all. I am thankful that I have learnt that and I can honestly say that I have always been concious of making sure I do not do any of those things with any woman I am with one day. I'm glad I realized it's not the norm. When I think of my lost girl, or my current lady, for example, I can't ever imagine shouting at her or hitting her. But, despite this, I know after observing this for so many years and it sticking in my subconscious, it must have caused me damage somewhere. Truth be told, relationships scare the hell out of me and I always think what if I snap and become like my dad for just a moment?

The problem is our minds can shut out things and make us believe things are all OK when they are not. I think maybe there is something from your childhood that is being suppressed somehow. I have repressed memories too. For example, I gained quite a bit of weight round the age of 9 or 10, and I can't remember a single thing from those two years of my life. All I can remember is it starting off with some horrible teacher that used to pick on me, and then my mind goes blank after that. Two years later, I end up with all this extra weight and children making fun of me and I don't know what happened.

Describe the feeling to me in words if you can. You said it was warm and fuzzy, and you saw her as a person for the first time. What else do you feel along with that? With me, I didn't even know half the time what feeling I was feeling, so I found trying to describe it in words can work often, as you then look at the attributes of the feeling you're having. That's how I worked out I felt "love".

In a man's life, any other male whom you respect in some way can become a "substitute dad". I'm going to assume, yes, your dad was loving, but was he away from home almost the whole day, working hard, or even away for periods of time, leaving you, your siblings and your mom at home? In other words, was he a very busy, hard-working man? Sometimes this separation seems insignificant, but can play a major role in a young boy's life. It is not often spoken about, and society doesn't view it as that important, but I think the role of a father is crucial in a child's development, especially in a boy's development. Even a father who is present, but is distant emotionally will have a massive impact (my case - my dad was rather distant when I was a boy). Yet, the father's role is not often seen as so important, he is the breadwinner, etc. Sometimes they even leave the children behind and go off to start a new life somewhere else after a divorce for example, and only give money to the ex-wife. An important role of a father is being a "teacher". When that is not fulfilled, the young male child begins "learning" from another source (another male "role model" he looks up to) or is forced to find out things by experience or from other older boys, men, etc. This can have massive consequences. I think all these things is definitely something for you to think about. It sounds like you and your dad might not have been so close as you might think. I don't know, just a thought.

Already done it! Actually I've been sending Bill stuff every holiday for the last over 2 years. Though I got him the "perfect" present for this Christmas, then decided to keep it instead lol. I have something else small for him (that I don't want myself) so I'll just send that with a card. I know he probably won't even see or like it, but I still do it on the off chance that I could make him smile. Yeah, I've got it bad! the address I've been using is on their updated website now, so maybe it will get to him.

And, I actually have a crush on the whole band! They're all gorgeous and so funny. But Bill is my cupcake. (I saw someone call him that, I thought it was a good description cos he's so sweet)

You've thoroughly described my dad, completely spot on. And yes, I think my dad was also pretty distant when I was younger too. As far as I can remember, in my teens, I always felt awkward around him when it was just him and I. I never knew what to say, and he wouldn't say much too. I know he loves me a lot, but I don't know, at times I just couldn't help but feel uncomfortable, even though I don't think he had intended it. It was only after I left home for college that I found I could hold a meaningful conversation with him and we started talking more. I never saw this to be a problem, but now I wonder what would it have been like if he had been around more often.

Like you, though, despite me feeling awkward around him, I also always saw him as my hero, and also like you, I also always thought whatever my parents say must definitely be right. As I'm older now, there are times where I can see they aren't always right, but thinking back to when I was younger... I really can't pick out a thing that my parents might have done wrong, besides what I'd mentioned about my mom and maybe this separation from my dad. And even then, it's tough to see it as "wrong".

The only family problem I can recall clearly was that my older sister was very rebellious during her teens and things would get ugly - lots of fighting, beating, quarreling, so forth...

Everything felt so natural, so comfortable. Felt like it was back to the norm. Also during that time, I found I was able to carry on with my life better. For once in this horrible year, I was able to fulfill my to-do plans entirely, stay on track with life, and stay focused with my work. I felt like a normal person again, capable of doing and achieving anything.

Maybe I might have truly liked her at that time after all, but at the same time I can't help but think it was only temporary. Afterwards it would go back to the toxic relationship, where all I would want to do is control her. Maybe she was just like a drug, and that was - is, since things went horrible in the end anyway - the high before going back to the down low.

I think you try to control her because really deep down you do love her and don't want to lose her. I think in your life, maybe when you were a young boy still, you have found it to be the case that when you're not in control, you tend to lose things, and that psychological scar is with you to this day. With inanimate objects it works, but with people it doesn't, the more you try and control or pull them in, the more you push them away.

The biggest challenge, but also the path to freedom, for the controlling person is to do the one thing he finds most difficult to do, and that is to hand over control.

It's like a pilot trying to fly the plane, and doing the copilot's work, and doing the air-hostesses' work because he feels he can't trust them on their own. He's going to have a hard time focusing on HIS job of flying the plane, I'm sure you agree. The only way for him to do his job of flying the plane is to trust the others enough to do their job.

I couldn't have described my relationship with my dad any better than you just did. That's exactly how I felt around my dad.

And, it's like you say, you can't see your parents doing anything "wrong", and that's because it's not actually something they did do wrong. They raised you to the best of their abilities, but I think often we don't realize that some of our parents can have mental issues themselves, they are human after all. Just like I have mental issues, I am sure my dad does too. He grew up in an abusive home as well. All that has an effect on how those people raise their children one day, which is why I question myself daily whether I should have children or not.

OMG elin95, I am going to Germany to See a Tokio Hotel concert and I have a meet and greet!! They just announced the dates today and I have my ticket and flights booked already, for my birthday present. I can't believe it!!

Now don't worry, obviously i know I'm meeting him as a fan and he's not going to fall in love with me or anything, but just getting to meet him will be a dream! I get a professional photo taken with the whole band too. Im like ecstatic here

If it helps to hear about other similar problems...

I obsess over one of my friends- I just think she is amazing and sweet and caring and smart and charismatic... She's awesome. I sort of use her as a sounding board to relax my emotions and decipher what I'm thinking... Ad she's really good at that. I just hate taking so much of her time and energy... Its a hard balance. I've also tried erasing her from my head and thinking of other things and people, I've tried other techniques of calming myself down..... They don't work. Not nearly as well as she does.

Its hard. Really hard.

Sometimes I think its not such a bad thing. If you can "talk"to her in your head and get advice that way... I think that may be adaptive... My therapist once told me that if I can't get the advice of a supportive person I should try to imagine what a supportive person would say

Does that help?

it really does take some time to find the right therapist- for whatever reason. It's okay, you will get through it. But definitely get some help especially if you are having suicidal thoughts, they will be able to work through things with you. And if you don't like the first one, there are several several people out there who will be able to help!

I definitely think this happens a lot when people put so much into somebody else and really emotionally involve their whole lives into them which makes sense, because when you are in a relationship with somebody, you really put in so much of your life, time and memories that it may be hard not to become a codependent, but it definitely can get unhealthy really quickly.

I am glad you are with somebody else now and you are over that previous relationship. I think it seems to be a very common thing, but I am glad you're in a healthier emotional state now.

I wrote her an email last night to get all my feelings out and tell her all that was bursting to gush out of my mind. Spent the whole evening on it, was definitely emotionally draining and made the night a hellish nightmare, but today, I feel so much more at ease. It's like this burden in my chest has been truly relieved. I know lots of people say sending a "closure" email or some sort is always a bad idea, but I think it worked for me, because like you said, I just had to remove this crappy control mentality. Well, it's only been day one anyway, so maybe I will feel like crap again some time later this week, but today, it was amazing. Sure, I was afraid she might not see it or ignore it, or worse, actually read it, or even worse, read it and reply - even though deep down I do know I want her to respond - but still, I think my mind was mostly at ease from her today.

Also, this month had been real crappy, what with spending every second thinking about her and I'm also way behind my work, and now all the deadlines are approaching. Normally at this point of time I would be freaking my mind out and planning my to-do list over and over again, but today, I decided to stop - stop with all that trying to make sure everything's all neat and orderly and planned. I dove head first into whatever work I had to catch up, and wow, I didn't even want to take a break from it. I wanted to keep going and going and the passion for doing my work was returning with each minute. Then again, it could just be the underlying stress of the deadlines approaching that finally got my body flying, but either way, winging it seems far better than ensuring everything was perfect.

I suppose getting rid of that wanting to control was the main deal breaker, along with finally pouring everything out. Today, after a long dark month - and year, well, not counting that golden month when me and her were talking - I think I'm feeling a lot better, despite this giant pile of work to catch up and she not being around. It's just day one, but for now, which I'm only starting to realize how the now is more important than anything else, I can whole-heartedly say I'm okay. Thank you, StbGuy.

Yeah, strange as it might seem, somehow, I can never really see my parents as actual human beings. For one, they seem to revolve all their lives around me and my siblings so much it's almost like they don't have a life of their own. Sure, my dad has his golfing and my mom has her dancing, but still... And also, I can't imagine my parents having any mental issues at all, like how everyone else has their own. In my mind they're the only pair of perfect beings in the world. Though I'm starting to see some flaws in them now, but overall, the perfect beings. I really do like that answer of yours - about our parents raising us to the best of their abilities and hence we can't see any "wrong". I never thought of it that way and just thought of it as bizarre, but now I see it.

I hope you will find the answer to that question one day

Thanks Linden, I'm glad you're feeling better . I'm going to hope along with you that it is a more permanent change and not a fleeting feeling of relief.

Yeah, closure emails , I know them. I wrote my loved one several closure messages too, only to find myself writing another afterwards where I apologize for the previous message and basically ask her just to say something. I would send a message which says I understand how she feels and I promise never to bother her again, only to send her another to say I love her and care about her and I ask her just to tell me if she got the previous one or not. She never did respond , except for deleting her things online so I could no longer contact her - that hurt . It still hurts.

I have not been thinking about her a lot the last 3 days and did not daydream about her. I am so proud of myself

Thats so great!!!im so happy for you. Enjoy it!!

Thank you and I'm glad you've been doing a little better. It can take time alright.

There is a guy in one if the popular movies out right now who is the double of the last guy I (kind of) dated. Well I liked him, and we kissed a few times and it all kind of dragged out forever, I didn't see him much cos I moved away from the area we are both from, but it was obvious he wasn't really interested so in the end I just gave up. Now I'm kind of thinking about emailing him..I never explained why I stopped texting him, I feel bad about that but it didn't even seem worth trying to save. I should have at least explained though. He's probably got lots of girlfriends now that he looks like a movie star lol. He even has the same smile and the same way he used to look at me, you know when a guy gives you that look. I can't exactly say hi I'm emailing now you look like a movie star lol. That's not why I've been thinking of it, obviously it made me think of him but I kind of feel he deserves an explanation. I stopped emailing him for ages before and then he got back in touch, but he's not going to a third time. The first time we met back up (which was the first time we kissed) he mentioned that a few girls had asked him out and they were good looking but didn't have good personalities, so I still can't figure out what the hell he saw in me, I don't have good looks or personality! I don't know if emailing would be a good thing or if it would just be asking to be hurt all over again. After the first time he hurt me, I never really trusted him with my heart the second time. I'd like to know how he is and hear from him but I'd say he has a girlfriend now and I won't be heartbroken but it's still bound to hurt a little. Or maybe he's sitting at home thinking about me, lol joking, as if. Sorry for hijacking the thread. It's just, I know I could have really liked him..

Oh and I just found out another singer I love (Idina Menzel) is coming to my country so I am booking tickets tomorrow as soon as they go on sale! She was another of my obsessions, I loved her since the Rent movie, long before Frozen, I even went to London to see her in a show. This is her own concert though, it will be amazing. I was actually really jealous and bitter of her husband, I hated him but it was pure jealousy, nothing else. I mean I literally fast forwarded his song in Rent every time lol. I still love her and I'm so glad she's doing so well, but I'm not the bitter obsessed jealous girl I was for a while. Sorry my battery is dying but I'm so happy I get to see them all!

I'm sorry if this brings up more sadness, but out of curiosity, how long has it been for you since you've last spoken to her?

I thought about my ex so much more today than I did yesterday, and I think the pain is seeping back in again. I'm still okay, managed to complete most of my stuff without getting too distracted by thoughts of her or the pain, but not as okay as yesterday. She hasn't replied (yeah...I know, I'm reminding myself over and over that the email I wrote wasn't meant to be replied, but...ugh) or come online (and again, yeah.. I couldn't help but stalk her again...). This time, though, it feels like pure heartache than me being upset about losing control over her, so I guess that's improvement...or, I'm not sure. Oh well..

Glad you've improved. Good job!!

The last time we spoke where she actually replied to me was 2 years ago. The last time I spoke to her (but she ignored me) was about a month ago. In between those times I had no contact with her.

That's really strong of you. I'm impressed you still have feelings for her despite not having any contact for 2 years. I hope things are going well with you and your current lady.

Thank you again for all your help before, and for listening to me. Don't think my head would be this much clearer without it... Thank you

Wasn't as upset today about my ex's continued MIA as yesterday, so I think I'm finally getting better. Guess she's finally gone, and I suppose that's for the best anyway...

Oh how I can totally relate to this topic!

I have a former dance teacher I'm obsessed with. For four years I've been crying and yearning and screwing up my life over this woman. And it's at the point now where I'm really just kind of bored and fed up with it. But still it happens. Random words or images can trigger intense longing and regret, jealousy and pain.

Being on meds helped (and I'm hoping to find some way to get some meds again)--but what also helped me a couple of years ago when it was really bad was just setting boundaries. Times and situations when I felt it was appropriate and safe to contact or see her, identifying what was appropriate to share with her, and what was not. And just generally trying to put myself first. Having a good therapist at the time was also extremely helpful.

Putting distance between us has also helped. Now that my former teacher is really no longer a part of my day-to-day life, I try to remind myself when these feelings arise that they are in great measure just symptoms of my mental illness. Not that my former teacher is not a wonderful person, and not that I don't love her, but really right now she's just a phantom of my mind. But I don't want a phantom. I want a real human being who's actually present with me. So I'm working on it

Anyway, YMMV, just thought I'd chime in.

It went fine for a while but i got back to my daily daydream routine again. And i just hate myself so much!! I am so pathetic look at me 3 yrs ago i was in the same position with the stupid daydreaming and thinking about her all day. Its driving me crazy!!! I JUST want it to stop!! I am so pathetic and awful. I just gotta cut the crap. Just need to stop this **** cause I cant live like this for the rest of my life!!!

I'm sorry you feel so bad again, I know it can be so heartbreaking. I still dream of Bill falling in love with me (lol as if) but I'm just happy I'll get to meet him. The hard part will be meeting him and then having to walk away but I have some time to get used to the idea.

What else is going in for you right now, anything good you could try focus on instead? I'm just thinking now, maybe a lot of it (for both of us) is just boredom. I mean it feels nice (to a certain extent) to think about someone we like. It's obviously really distressing you now though, so I think working on it with someone could be helpful.

By the way, I like your status under your name, well like is probably the wrong word cos it's not exactly a good thing, but sadly it is true, I have felt that way a lot too. Sending hugs.