How to stop obsessing over someone. Please help me.

I have spoken to a couple of close people. They have shed quite a bit of light on the situation for me. If not for them I would still blame myself 100% for everything that happened and still believe it was all me and that I am some kind of monster.

I was forced by my loved one to stop contacting her, by her ignoring me. I would also love to know what she is doing in her life, but I can't even because she doesn't want anything to do with me . That's the worst. It feels like I keep losing her again over and over every time I just think about her. I wish I had never told her I love her, because we would then still at least be chatting. But, I think she would've realized something eventually, if someone she hasn't seen in 5, 10 or 20 years still phones her regularly. Secrets are always bound to come out.

You are so right. If it were not for her, I would never even have known I could feel actual love. Also, I didn't even know girls like her existed until I met her. I thought girls were all the same until she showed me otherwise.

Yeah you are right we must be grateful that we met such amazing persons.

Feeling so low. Missed her a lot today.

I have not spoken to anyone in my real life about this as everyone knows we are best friends and I feel that everyone would judge me because i am married. I have a feeling that my mom knows though.... I think she can see it. I have tried to let go .... but it just doesnt work that way. The heart wants what it wants. In my case.. why the hell does it have to be 2 people?

Yeah but even him talking too much is kind of cute.. he just seems so perfect but obviously no one is. I know he has said he gets jealous and I hate that. You're right, when you Love someone it's hard to believe anything negative about them.

But I can read body language, and isn't that the main symptom of aspergers? I think the schizophrenia (which I denied for years) is the main cause of all mine, right down to the delusions about this guy. Even his fans don't like me, so why would he? I've stopped leaving him these stupid inappropriate comments I used to leave all the time.

Ok I messed up quoting you, but Elin95 you were curious who "my" guy is. I was going to post the latest video but then I remembered we're not allowed on this one so here is a picture from it, he sang in the song Imagine for Unicef. And here is his Wikipedia page His name is Bill Kaulitz and he's from the German band Tokio Hotel. He's so lovely oh Bill, why arent you mine? Lol as if.

It would probably help to have no contact awhile. Like with a break up. And to make friends. Friends to share joy with and talk/laugh about the stress of life. What are your hobbies? Join a group or take classes that reflect your hobbies? Build a life that has nothing to do with her. After awhile you will find that you can go hours then days without thinking of her.
I had an unhealthy attachment to my ex and all this helped me. Aswell as traveling and realizing that there are So So many amazing beautiful people in the world. So many that obsessing over one is sort of silly. Because then I miss out on all of the other beautiful people and things out there..
It took awhile. It'll take awhile of distracting yourself and finding other interests.

if I tell you to never think of purple flying monkeys EVER, what would you be thinking of all the time? if I tell you that if you ever catch yourself thinking of purple flying monkeys, you should call yourself an idiot, a pathetic loser, and an imbecile, would you be more or less likely to spend all your waking hours thinking of purple flying monkeys?

thank you for your honest answer sqrqhjean! Glad that you got through it.

you are right.thanks.haha

hi thanks for answering! I know him, i have been to a concert of them in 2007. i was a big fan in 2005-2007 so. haha he's cute.

i don't think obsessing over a celeb is a symptom of schizophrenia.. it might be if you can't see the difference between real and fantasy anymore. but thats not the case right? you know he's a celeb and that you don't know him personal

Yeah, OK, I was using my own example, but it seems you might have a root cause (schizophrenia). It just puts all your MH issues into perspective and generates a "cause and effect" diagram for your mind almost, which makes more sense than a random collection of illnesses on a piece of paper. Many times the depression, or whatever, is an end-result or even a by-product.

I'm so jealous, I hate you! (Not really obviously lol) he's adorable. Sadly they're not known at all in my country so I'll probably never get to see them. I would be more than willing to travel but don't really have the finances. They have a new album out by the way, you should check it out! It's called Kings of Suburbia. Here's a link http://www.amazon.co.uk/Kings-Suburb...gs+of+suburbia

I used to like their oldschool songs like durch den monsun, spring nicht and so. But dont really like their new songs. I think tom is cute too. You can write them a letter?

You are certainly not alone in this, Elin. I would think you should stop feeding the obsession.

The best way to get past something is to become occupied with something else. Sports, exercise, drawing, writing, socializing - something interesting and time consuming. Of course, let it be something reasonable to your lifestyle/schedule. It really will help.

Please don't hate yourself! You didn't do anything wrong, you are just hung up about someone. You will look back on this one day, and you'll be glad you got past it.

If Therapy and Counseling don't work well for you, there are always steps you can take to make the changes you need to be happy: keep a journal, feel good about days that you don't contact the teacher, give yourself the benefit of the doubt, write down what things you have done that you do/don't like. Instead of dreading the future, keep in mind that the future is full of fresh starts - you deserve to be happy, and you'll eventually make enough changes in your life to be happy with yourself.

Hi guys, I hope you all don't mind me joining the party here... I'm facing this issue as well and I feel like I'm going to burst...

I want to stop wanting my ex to care for me. We've been on and off and had been in contact recently, until I stopped contacting her after realizing I'm still the asshole I was before to her. She'd still contact me every now and then, and I would do my best not to reply to stop screwing up further.

But it doesn't help the fact that the first and last thing I do everyday--and almost every hour--is to check if she's texted me and see when's she last seen online. I want this to stop, I want to stop obsessing over her, I want to stop being this asshole I had always been--and was, when we were together--I want to move on with life. But all I can think about it is her.

I know I deserve this torture as I had been that asshole when we were together. But I still can't help but want her to talk to me, want to know she still cares for me. And I want to stop feeling this way. I want to stop being this asshole. I know it's all messed up, and I want all of it to stop...

I got a puppy and now I'm too focused on training him that anything else comes second. (:

in what ways were you an asshole to the ex gf? From the post, it is anything but clear.

Hey, thanks for the reply. When we were together, I'd lie to her, manipulate her, emotionally abuse her. Even now that I'm obsessing over her, I don't think it's her as a person that I'm obsessing over, but the fact that she was always there, instantly, for me. I really would like to stop being like this.

I get that you lied to her, but how did you manipulate or emotionally abuse her? You sound pathetic and not abusive, so I am just wondering if you could provide some facts to help decide whether you actually did the things you are accusing yourself of doing, or, there is something completely different at play here.

I knew she disliked how she was more on heavy side, and so if I was upset with anything she did, I would bring up her weight somehow to make her feel bad and worse than how I was feeling. I wouldn't tell her what the problem was, I just had to see that at the end, she was feeling horrible. And then I would make sure that she saw that she was the one making herself feel horrible, and not me. I would then say nice things to her, pretending to cheer her up although knowing she wouldn't feel as good as before, but just so she would see me being "good" to her.

I don't have any detailed examples to write out here, but these were the stuff I'd do to her before... I don't really know why I just didn't tell her outright what I felt, though now I think it's because of the huge ego I had back then and me wanting to control her. Back then, however, I didn't even think of this as being a horrible thing to do, not until I read a book from the perspective of an abuser who did similar things to what I did that I realized this was actually a real horrible thing to do.

Anyway, I'm not sure anymore if it's abuse. Apologies if it's the wrong usage of words...

At the end of the day, it is both of these that end up constituting the same thing. It is insecurities in person A that leads person A to abuse person B and so on. Trying to be in control is a prime example. By controlling an environment, person or whatever, the person with insecurities feels less insecure, because there is less that has the potential to go wrong in their view. But, it is exactly the person who has the least control in life who tries to apply this sense of control.

Linden23, I have to commend you for having a change of heart and seeing what you did about yourself and when you did, you did a great thing for yourself and I'm sure you feel almost liberated in a way. You have faced what many men in your position would never face. But, I have to ask though, I'm assuming the reason you and your lady split was because of the issues you were dealing with, right? Now that you have identified these issues though, why is it such a bad idea for you guys maybe not to come back together again and this time have a new and different relationship? You have identified these things you were struggling with. Now you know the mistakes you made then, so I would imagine you're not going to make them again. Sorry, I don't mean to pry, but I'm just curious. It sounds like she still cares about you, despite everything.

You have to cut yourself a little slack too. You know you WERE bad or whatever, does that mean now you have to be punished for it and don't deserve happiness for the rest of your life, despite you wanting to change, or even having changed? Having this view means that this issue will go forward with you in life even into a new relationship if/when you have one, and will continue to torment you, unless you can let it go or reinvent a new relationship with your ex. It sounds like you guys care about each other a lot. Are both of you single at the moment, still single after splitting? If so, then that might be a sign that you guys are struggling to get over each other.

yeah, that was cruel and manipulative and passive-aggressive.

Have you asked for forgiveness from her? You have wronged her - what steps have you taken to make it better?

Thank you both StbGuy and hamster-bamster for your replies.

hamster-bamster, we caught up recently, started talking for a month, and she said she'd forgiven my lies. She wasn't aware of how horrible she was being manipulated, though, until I told her about it during this catch-up. She said she wouldn't forgive me for that, but still wanted to continue talking to me.

I've decided to distant myself from her to make it better. It's torturing me and I know I deserve it, but I'm not sure if it's improving anything about me. Instead, it seems like I'm obsessing over her more than ever, and I'm not sure what else to do to make this unhealthy obsession stop.

StbGuy, I don't think we can ever get back together because, firstly, here's the really weird part: we've never met in real life. It started off as an online relationship. And so I felt I didn't need to tell her anything real, and if things got too serious, I could just leave and it'll be like we never met. To me, she was just a virtual object that would always be there when I needed it - and she was always, always there when I wanted her, even after the first two times we split.

It was only after reading the book from the perspective of an abuser earlier this year and realizing how horrible I was that I started appreciating her as who she was. I still ended the relationship with her anyway, and during our time apart I think that's when I started seeing her as a person, liking her as a person. And during our recent contact, things were warm and fuzzy again. On top of that, this time everything felt real. Best part, I was seeing her as a real person.

But here comes the second reason: I don't think I've fully learned that I can't control her. If anything, these feelings of wanting to control seem more intense than ever. Towards the end of our recent contact, I did that mistake again of wanting to make her upset just because she did something that didn't please me. I realized my mistake, though, and this time spoke to her about it, but for that day all I could do was stay mad at her. A week later, I also found out she might like someone else now and I know if she starts dating him, I would be in pieces mainly because that meant I've completely lost my control on her. I'm able to see her as a person now, identify when I'm being a scumbag, but I don't think I've been able to fully get over the fact that I can't control her and I shouldn't anyway.

After our last split I've also gone through some really tough times, which basically woke me up from this, in general, sky-high ego I had. I'm still in the process of picking myself up together, fixing my life, and trying to be a better person overall. It's tough and I feel this situation with her is the first thing to truly fix this time round. She's all I can think about now, all I want to get back now - though I know it isn't genuine - and it really needs to stop. But nothing seems to make it stop...

I understand this, it's something I've had a problem with in the past. I was obsessed about getting this girl who wasn't into me to like me. It took a toll on my life for a good six months, I was miserable.

Basically what I did was try and recognize the thoughts every time I had them, realize they were irrational, and try and deal with them. Believe me, I know it's not as easy as it sounds. You just have to remember that you're the most important person in your life and nobody can give you self worth but yourself. Try and distract yourself with hobbies and start trying to better your life. If you throw yourself into something you love you'll be surprised how quickly your obsession goes away. It's good that you posted about it, getting it out is half the battle.