A complicated situation

Hello,

I believe that this topic is in the correct forum, so let me begin by sharing a bit about myself.

I suffer from multiple mental disorders, notably: schizophrenia, depersonalization, multiple personality disorder, and bipolar. These disorders have been evaluated and designated to me by psychiatric professionals.

So now i'll tell you about my issue.

I am currently in a position in my life where i am in the middle of a branching road. I'm about to obtain a degree and begin my career.

But even with this news i cannot find myself with a smile on my face. For every day that i continue to live i become more and more indifferent and apathetic.

For the past few years I've done nothing but hurt the people around me, even when i didn't intend to. People who have helped me in the past have recently suffered at the hands of my manipulation and lack of trust. People who i truly cared for. Even my family. And the issue is, i can't figure out why i did it, nor why i can't seem to stop myself from doing it again.

I grew up in very bad environments in my childhood. I've had knifes held to my throat, guns put to my head, and that doesn't even scratch the surface. But i always kept positive and held my head high, even when people who i thought were my friends violently assaulted me with their friends in the backs of alleys.

And even through all of that I've had the strength and courage to continue moving forward. But now, right as i want to improve myself, to reciprocate the act of love in the relationships i share, i can only find myself reciprocating apathy.

There was a woman recently in my life, who was kind and supportive to me, who complimented me, but i never once reciprocated back the same support and kindness she did to me. One time she took me to an interview in the city, so i repaid her by taking her to lunch that day. I thought our relationship was going well. So when i approached her about dating, she said she wanted to be just friends because "i was wasting her time if i didn't care," and so i told her "i don't think i was wrong about how she felt about me," then she just decided to walk away, so i yelled "stop being a b****." I haven't talked to her since then, and I've even tried apologizing to her, but to no avail.

And even as i write this, i'm considering abandoning my family and moving out of state for a career opportunity. I dislike my family, i don't like who they are, and i don't say that lightly. I hate being home, it's nothing but a hypocritical circus of clowns.

Yet I can't help but wonder to myself,

"Why do i show such apathy towards others?"
"Why do i hurt those who care for me?"
"How can i abandon the people who have raised me so easily?"

Among other things.

Is it so wrong to want to improve myself? To show people i do care?

I am doing my best to keep optimistic, but everyday i start to care less and less. It's getting to the point where i can't actively hold conversations with people over small talk.

Is this situation changeable? Or should i just up and go, leave it all behind?

Welcome XZabitor to Psych Central. Sorry to hear you are having trouble on the road to independence.

From a practical standpoint, it is a good idea to assess what you have now and will have in the new city. It cost several thousand dollars to locate to a new city plus you may have no support team to rely on. That could make moving very challenging.

I am not sure what should be done right now. Do you have a therapist or doctor that you can turn to?

Here are some of the basics you may want to answer for the current situation and the possible city.

Money and resources
Secure housing
Mental and emotional Support, informal or formal
Friends
Transportation
A feeling of being home
Medical insurance

You can ask the above for the city you intend to go to.
PLUS
availability of housing
public support if things don't work out
the credibility of the job offer, get a written job offer before committing funds and emotions to moving.
Possibilities of making friends.
Availability of therapists and psychiatrists to help as a support team.

It would be advisable to consider staying where you are as a possibility until you develop the people skills necessary to get along with many types of people, especially if you intend to have a people intensive job.

I currently don't see any therapists or doctors. I used to rely on my friends to talk about issues in my life but I don't have many of those left now that i have dedicated my time to my career (Never had many in the first place).. I also don't take medication for my disorders.

I am bit torn about my situation currently, i want to move, i think if i move i can start to exit this apathetic trend i'm in. Something about being in the place i grew up for so long might make me feel the way i do.

Everyday i spend my life in paranoia over the choices i'm making in my life and what consequences they'll bear. It frightens me. I'm so tired of hurting others, but i don't know how i can fix this situation to grow emotionally and also pursue my dreams.

Currently i have no friends left to talk to about this, and i wouldn't even try to talk to my family about it. I didn't necessarily want to make friends as i pursued my degree as I've completely grown untrusting of others over the recent years.

Why is it so hard for me to trust?
Why is it so hard for me to show i care?

I don't understand, but i want to.

Everyone of us here in this world has to encounter hardships, problems, good and bad experiences, meet people, hate people, leave people, etc... For me, Man, you have gone too much already. Choose your decisions wisely, choose the best decision so you would not have problems in the future. If you feel that leaving all behind is the greatest thing to do then do it, Change for the better.
But don't ever forget where you came from. Family is everything, there's always a home to go home to, good times or bad times.

Thank you CapedCrusader...

I thought about what you wrote last night a bit. Family is important, but i don't think it's the life for me. I've spent years trying to help family members but all I've ever gotten was the loose end of the stick.

Last night i sat here struggling to understand if everything going on around me was real or not. All the betrayal, all the distrust.

Just yesterday the girl i mentioned has excluded and taken me out of her social circles.

Today she even approached me about not contacting her, telling me that she doesn't even want to be my friend, and i stood there in complete apathy. Not a single care.

I'm not thinking about things too much. I'm thinking i'm going to take the opportunity and jump cities.

I'm thinking about getting meds for myself and giving them a try, but i'm skeptical, i don't think they'll help.

It sounds like you've had lots of trauma and attachment issues from your past and even though you don't like your family situation, it is a type of comfort zone. Going out into the great unknown and the competitive job market is a big leap, so it is understandable that you would have concerns and anxiety. I do agree that having some type of professional support to help you through this major transition would be useful. Please keep us posted.

Just wanted to give an update on my situation..

I made it through the first interview for the out of state job. I will be scheduling a time for a second interview with them in the next week.

I've revised a lot of my schedule and now i spend it relaxing or doing something productive... Went out mountain biking by myself for a few hours last weekend. I haven't even been as negative towards things.
However, I am still struggling with a lot of my problems. Lately I’ve been absent of thought, as if nothing around me is truly real and detaching from people. Think it's just my schizo kicking in... Made a few people really upset too recently.

Trying to keep positive about things, but my past is still there. Hoping when and if i move that i can begin to see some growth in my life again.

For what it's worth, 22 years ago I left my family and the place I grew up and have never looked back and have no regrets. Granted, I did this with my husband, so I was not alone, but I have always loved the adventure of it all. We have moved to 6 different states since then, always because of his work. We know what it is to live the American dream and to lose it all and it only made our lives richer even though now we are poorer.

There's a lot to be said for taking the plunge, so to speak. At the very least, it is never boring.

Good luck with your job interview!

WW

Again i thank each of you for your words of support as i struggle with my psychological issues. Just got back from my journey out to their site.. Not at all what i expected. I'll hear back from them by the 1st of January. Yet at the end of the day i'm here stuck in thought about how badly i've betrayed myself and others. Everything that i ever needed to be completely happy and satisfied i burned to ashes. It is like my heart is no longer here. I can't even begin to understand why i did it or what is going on anymore. It's like i'm not in control of myself anymore. When i am in public lately all i see are people passing me by, like they are in different time frames than me, like everything is one big dream. All i can see in front of me is darkness, and although i am not afraid, it grows larger everyday. I dearly miss that woman who was at my side. When she was here i atleast had a peace of mind. But she will probably never forgive me for what i have done. How can i be expected to move on from this? My heart aches, my head turns, and everything around me is like a ticking clock with predestined experation dates. You know i've spent my whole life running and never stopping to think about the consequences it would bear. When you move so fast you can't expect other people to exist in your own time frame. There aren't many people who can keep up with someone who continually makes strides into the future. It's that loneliness that gets me. The loneliness and the fact that i am utterly on my own. How i wish people could forgive me as i have forgiven them and myself. I think i may try to get away for a bit to clear my head.

It's a little later tonight.. My heads running around like a loose cannon.. I've slowly begun to connect with my inner self again a bit. You know out of my entire journey in this life I’ve never felt so utterly alone. I'm sitting here thinking about how i should of treated people better, but i won't lie to myself anymore about this. I think i finally understand why i am the way i am.. A long time ago a friend once told me "Never lose sight of your path." That was the truest friend i ever had. In all of my struggles i never once considered that opening myself to others could to be my benefit, yet here i am writing on this forum. I was reluctant to give up who i was before on the inside, but now i can see the light. I just had to destroy myself before i could start to grow. For in order to show compassion to others i first had to know the absolute barren depths of sadness. All my life i was used, beaten, controlled, and i still don't know any other way to live than that.. Because when i was open to learning another way, to change, the only person who could show me how to live that way ran away. And now... Now i just don't know anymore. It's not that I’m sinking, rather it's that I’m surrounded by a fortress of white flames, and the only thing i can hear is my own voice and the kindling of the flames. This forum has been a great help.. You all have been so supportive... I just wish i knew how to show you all my gratitude.

I think I get you, especially the part where you say,

opening myself to others could to be my benefit

I really, really struggle with this because like you, all my life I have been, used, abused, and controlled to the point where there is a permanent part of me that says, "Do what they want or this time they might kill you" - they being the people in my life I depend on. It began with my mother and I have recently become aware that a 'transference' has taken place which causes me to also react the same way to my husband - one gave me life and the other I have always thought of as my soul-mate - which doesn't make sense. My fear of my mother is real and justified, my fear of my husband is not - or at least I don't think it is - either that or I am living in a fantasy world that does not exist, which has occurred to me.

I'm so sorry the only person who could show you another way to live has run away. In my case, I am the one who is always running away.

I love your description of being surrounded by a fortress of white flames. In my head, the voice I always hear is the one telling me to run because if I don't I will die, but the flickering of the flames reminds me that I am trapped, not in any physical way, but trapped by my own irrational thoughts and fears, and so I find myself always giving in, no matter whether I want to or not. In my mind, it has become a matter of survival which I know is irrational. I have tried everything to change this about myself, to 'turn off the switch' in my brain that allows the irrational thoughts to rule me, but if one exists, I can't find it.

Maybe, like you, I just have to destroy myself before I can start to grow, because while I have made unbelievable progress, it doesn't mean much if I can't stop hurting those I love.

I'm glad you're here and look forward to reading more of your posts.

WW