New girlfriend shares pets with ex

I've recently started dating a woman (2 months now) who is recently divorced. She and her ex were together for 16 years (her high school sweetheart), of which they were married for 2, and the relationship ended because of years' worth of intimacy issues (no sex for the last 7 years or so because of lack of desire from his side - I know, I had the same reaction you're probably having right now). They officially decided to split about a year ago and she has been living on her own for this past year now. She has also been seeing a therapist for about 5 years now to try to deal with her own anxiety issues, the issues from her previous relationship, feelings of rejection, finding herself again, etc. She is really a very mature, very beautiful woman, on all levels - a very rare find. They never had any children because, apart from no sex for 7 years, she didn't want him as a father to her children.

She and I have been seeing each other on an almost daily basis over the past 2 months. The physical aspect of our relationship is incredible (she says she's never experienced anything as mind-blowing before). The emotional aspect is far deeper and richer than anything I've ever experienced. She gets along well with my friends and family and I get along well with hers. So, she's really something special to me. I most certainly don't take this relationship lightly. In fact, I've been on many, many dates in this past year and generally don't bother seeing someone for more than a dinner if she isn't really something special.

My own background: my father's an alcoholic and my mother is most certainly codependent and emotionally manipulative, and so I only recently, about a year and a half ago, became aware of my own pattern of being drawn into emotionally abusive relationships when it turned out that my ex (to whom I was engaged) was actually a narcissist. She was diagnosed by a clinical psychologist during our relationship, whom we saw to help isolate why we were encountering so many problems. Being with her almost resulted in complete loss of my own identity, and, of course, much emotional abuse and manipulation. My current girlfriend knows this history of mine in full detail.

After having committed to going through the process of psychotherapy this past year, rebuilding a sense of self, I've come to a much healthier place within myself, but still suffer from an underlying anxiety/fear of getting hurt. Sometimes I find it rather crippling, in that when something triggers it I can't even concentrate at work for several hours at a time.

One particular thing that has been triggering this anxiety of mine this past while is the fact that my current girlfriend, as described above, shares two dogs with her ex and still goes to see them every now and then. They apparently made a pact together that they would both take care of the dogs even after they split. He keeps the dogs and she goes to visit them occasionally (perhaps once every 2 or 3 weeks). Of course, she naturally has to see her ex and will most likely have to interact with him for as long as the dogs are still around (which could be a decade, since they're relatively young).

I've really been struggling to deal with this. I raised it once with her (in the form of: "I feel anxious, and perhaps a little jealous, at the thought of having to share you with your ex still in any way"), and her response was what seemed to be disappointment at the time. She told me that she hasn't given me any reason to mistrust her like that. I, of course, admit that I have trust issues, with which I'm trying really hard to deal. I felt guilty for bringing this up, and feel guilty and even more anxious at the thought of bringing this up again. What makes this worse is that, she's been doing some writing trying to describe the process she's been through this past year or so (she writes very well) in getting back into dating, and she wanted me to read some of it, where she mentions how at some point (prior to us being together, but still after splitting up with her ex) she and her ex were talking and they found themselves sharing a lot of what was going on in their lives at the time, and she reprimanded herself in her writing for doing that (implying to me that it's an unconscious thing that she would slip into if she isn't

I'd really appreciate a little advice, perhaps some different perspectives, on how to approach this? I'm worried that she's going to fall into old patterns around this guy (whom I don't know at all), and I'm really not comfortable sharing her with anyone in that way, even on an emotional level. I don't want to have to end things here, because the vast majority of this relationship is amazing and has actually facilitated a lot of healing for me, but I most certainly cannot tolerate cheating, even on an emotional level. I know myself well now, after a good two decades' introspection, and I know I have a delicate constitution when it comes to trust. I'm working at it, but I know I'm fragile at this point.

Stop thinking of them as dogs. To her and the ex they are their children.

They are a part of the life she had before she met you.

Children of divorce end up with 2 families. Why should this be any different?

Would it be possible for her to have the dogs for a weekend every month? She could be with her babies, they could get to know you and the ex would have minimal contact.

Or, you can go with her next time and take the dogs for a walk or whatever.

As for your girlfriend, her sharing of her journal with you is a huge sign that she feels safe with you. Don't discount that.

If you both want this relationship to progress then you must learn to communicate in a way that doesn't trigger anxiety in either of you. If you can't do that yourself perhaps her therapist can help.

Whatever you do, do not get between her and her children. Anything like "it's me or the dogs" and you will find yourself suddenly single.

I totally agree with toolman, they were her babies and I know for sure I would still want to see my boys if me and hubby broke up.

She hasn't given you any reason not to trust her, and she obviously left this guy for a reason. She is with you, not him so try and relax.

You have to have faith in her, at this point there is nothing other than your insecurity causing you an issue here.

I really wouldn't worry about "old patterns"...


IMO, she confided in him simply because a) she had nobody else to (she spent a year alone according to you) and b) he was someone she had already learned to trust.


So he was the safe choice since they've known each other so long and she didn't have a partner to lean on.


Now that you are in the picture things are entirely different, she wont need to be emotionally involved with him because you are now fulfilling that need. And as long as you keep doing so, there's absolutely no reason to worry about her needing him in any such capacity in future.

I'm going to echo what others said. For some of us our pets are our children. Would you have the same concerns if she was going to the ex's to see her human kids? Personally, I like the suggestion that she have the dogs part of the time. It could be like joint custody with kids.

Would you actually leave her over something that has not happened yet but you worry could happen?

You will never find a relationship in which 100% of it is amazing.

I bet you can heal even further, if you allow yourself to stay with her.

What sorts of emotional expressions will you be willing to tolerate from her?

I read this passage quite differently.

Would you rather that she did not put it in writing, that she did not reprimand herself, but that she freely spoke to the ex and had no second thoughts about it?

This quite striking image does give pause. It may be that you are not sufficiently healed to be in a relationship at this time.

Let us say that you have a great fear that your girlfriend will get hit by a car. Does this mean that from now on she can never cross the street? Or does it rather mean that you need to continue with therapy so that your fears continue to subside?

If she and the dogs can get by without seeing each other except for one day out of every 2 or 3 weeks, then I'ld say it's time to cut that connection. What she's doing isn't healthy - for herself, for the ex, or for the dogs. This is not about the dogs. That's just a smokescreen. This is about her continuing to have an emotional connection to her ex. She doesn't want to totally let go. Their bond goes back to youth. It sounds like it became almost a brother-sister type of relationship.

After 5 years of seeing a therapist, she is still going to this same therapist to address things from her past. This is a lady who has a major problem with living in the present. She wants to keep churning the same things over and over. That's not how you make progress.

I think your instincts are correct. It would not seem unreasonable to me for you to tell her that she needs to cut this cord to her ex, if she wants to have a future with you. Otherwise, look at the problems that you can count on coming up. Eventually, you and her will have little difficulties in your relationship, as happens with all couples from time to time. Well, once or twice a month, she will be in the company of a man she has a history of being intimate with. Guess what she's going to talk to him about. Yup.

You don't need a third party hovering on the periphery of your relationship like that. No sane person would want that. Her therapist should have given her the same advice already. To be honest with you, I think it's time she cut this therapist loose too.

By the way, next time she offers to let you read her soul-searching writing about her past, decline the invitation. This material that she has shared with you is diary type stuff. That's not appropriate material to be sharing, as you found out when you read the stuff. Let her write you some love letters, if she wishes to use her writing talent to deepen the relationship.

Thanks for all of the responses so far everyone. I really appreciate the time you've all put into reading my post and responding.

As per my post, I do admit that I most certainly do have my own insecurities, and have made significant strides towards dealing with them over the past decade with the help of two very good professionals during different stages of my process. I most certainly don't infringe on my girlfriend's freedom, and never would. I don't have any problems with her going out on her own (e.g. crossing the road ;-)), spending time with her friends (male or female), or with her family without me. In fact, I encourage that. We both need our space and our time to ourselves, and we're quite mature about that.

I, personally, have cut all ties with my exes: none of my exes were actually good for me. She's explicitly mentioned how she lost her whole sense of self in being with her ex, and yet still clings to this aspect of her relationship.

I do understand that she has a very strong emotional bond with her dogs, and she does see them as her children. She's also, however, explicitly told me that the dogs were a substitute for emotional intimacy in her previous relationship. Her therapist has explicitly told her to cut all ties with her ex, including giving up the dogs, and she needs to count the real cost of letting go of that relationship and establishing a new life for herself.

It's really hard for me to see through my own anxiety here, but it would seem to me that it would be better for her as well to let go of all ties to her ex.

Unless of course there's something I'm missing here, due to my anxiety?

If it is a case of it'll be (1) ultimately better for her, (2) ultimately better for me, and (3) ultimately better for us for her to let go of the dogs and all ties to the ex, then that's a win all round. But if not, then I know deep down this relationship won't be what's best for the two of us and am willing to let go of it if absolutely necessary. I don't think I can handle whatever emotions these are that keep coming up when she goes to see the ex, and I need to look after myself too (that's one thing I learned the hard way, coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship).

Also, there's no way I could possibly date someone with kids at this point in my journey. I know that, what I want right now, and what I've never had access to for the majority of my life, is real, deep intimacy. The kind where my emotional resources (on a romantic relationship level) are directed towards one person, and her emotional resources (also on a romantic relationship level) are directed towards me.

I know that if I were with someone who had kids that couldn't possibly be the case, because their kids would be their priority. For some guys, I'm sure that'd be fine, but not for me. Not at this point in my journey.

She is a talented woman and she no doubt can decide what is best for her, you and the T don't need to do that--especially after a mere two months of dating.

The evidence is that the solution to a specific phobia is not to design one's life around the phobia. So for a person who is afraid of elevators, the solution is not to avoid any building taller than two or three stories for the rest of their lives. That simply perpetuates the phobia. The solution, rather, is to confront the fear and learn through repeated experience that nothing bad happens when they ride an elevator. From that perspective, therefore, the solution for your anxiety is for her to go see her dogs more, and for you to endure the anxiety and learn to trust her through your own experience.

I am having trouble understanding this statement, because it does seem that you explicitly wish to infringe on her freedom to be in contact with her ex and her dogs. It sounds like this might become/may have already become a dealbreaker for you.

In my opinion it oversimplifies to say that kids would be their priority in such a relationship (kids with ex). There would be more than one person to love, no doubt, but love can expand to be shared with all of the beloved people. This happens all of the time in families, ex or no ex. I wonder if you have already discussed your views on having/not having children with her.

I think what you are missing is that she has made a different choice than you would make or than you would prefer her to make. It is her choice, not yours. Neither choice is right or wrong. You can choose to end the relationship over this or to work on your anxiety surrounding this issue.

I remain on friendly terms with some of my exes. My boyfriend does as well. There's nothing inherently wrong with choosing to keep in touch with people.

It's possible your girlfriend still harbors feelings for her ex and wants to see the dogs in order to see him. It's also possible that she wants to see her dogs. Just because she sees her ex does not mean that she wants him back. I would try to look at this issue with a very objective eye.

"there's no way i could possibly date someone with kids at this point in my journey"

Well guess what, you have been. For two months. And your life has gone on.

She wasn't born yesterday. People have come into her life and people have gone.

Same goes for you. The fact that she still has contact with her ex irks you. Even if it is only to see her dogs.

Just because she has made different choices in life than you does not mean that they were the wrong ones.

What are you afraid of? That they will fall into bed and NOT have sex? If you don't like the idea of her being alone with this guy then GO WITH HER.

Forbidding her to see the dogs or telling her that she needs to stop seeing her T is totally out of line.

It is her life. Only she can decide what she will or won't do. She doesn't need your approval. She is not asking for it.

She cares for you and wants you to be part of her life. Why can't you just accept that?

By the way, they are dogs, they won't live forever.


Are you sure you are not just looking for an excuse to run away?

Thanks Bill3, hvert and toolman65 for your responses. I have to say that just being able to talk about my issue here has already helped a tremendous amount in my being able to deal with it, so thank you all!

I haven't actively spoken to my girlfriend about this issue yet specifically because I don't want to just be reacting out of a place of anxiety. I know that'd be destructive for both me and her, especially if it came out in the form of me trying to control her. Being the holiday season now, my therapist is away for a few weeks and I will only be able to see her on the 8th of January, so this forum has been of tremendous help to me in the interim. In fact, my girlfriend and I spent Christmas eve together (night before last) and had a really great time, and there was no hint of anxiety or jealousy or manipulation and it really feels like we're growing closer. She and I are both pretty deep people (having gone through as much suffering as we both have) and we discussed all of the major things like values and whether or not we want kids and future plans and all that within the first week of us spending time together. She's aware of my anxiety and I'm aware of hers (so yes, I know that no relationship is perfect because no person is perfect). We both abhor relationship games and don't want to waste our time investing in potentially fruitless relationships any more. We both think long-term in our interaction with each other.

In doing some soul-searching over these past few days, reflecting off of everyone's opinions and my own internal dynamics, I have a feeling that I might be converging on the actual underlying triggers for my anxiety in this situation.

For one thing, I know that I personally value freedom. I know that I want to be able to pack up and go work in another country for at least 6 months to a year, sometime within the next 3 to 5 years while I'm still relatively young (ideally the next 2 years). The exact country doesn't really matter so much - that's something I'm flexible on. As per a discussion I had with her on Christmas eve, she would love to do the same. If she and I are still together, and the situation with her dogs means that she won't be able to pack up and leave for that long a time with me, it would be something that would infringe on her own freedom and mine. That would be compromising on my values and, thus, myself, and would be a deal-breaker for me. Having compromised on my values in my previous relationship (with the narcissist), I know how painful that is and have a feeling that the prospect of this (yes, I'm aware of my tendency to think 1,000 steps ahead :-)) amplified my anxiety.

The thing is, if she does desire to pack up and leave the country for a year, as she says she does, then how important are the dogs to her, really, in comparison to her own freedom? She herself has said to me that she wouldn't want children yet, for at least the next few years (same for me), because she wants the freedom to move around without causing emotional upheaval to others. So, what exactly is she holding onto here at the moment?

One thing I do know is a deal-breaker for me is not being willing to let go of an ex, whatever the reasons. I offer myself unattached and in my entirety in that regard, and expect the same. I know, however, that this is something that she has to realise for herself, because she says she's given up her previous relationship completely. All I can do, I suppose, is give her a bit of time and space to come to this realisation for herself, right?

I have a feeling that my anxiety has been exacerbated as a result of simultaneously having to confront the possibility that this woman is potentially someone with whom I could spend the rest of my life, and the possibility of there being deal-breakers here. It's a tentative, tense space for me, possibly because it's early on in the relationship...

What I do know is that this relationship is totally outside of my comfort zone, and that's a good thing. My comfort zone has, historically, proven to be incredibly destructive for myself :-)

"i have a feeling that i might be converging on the actual underlying triggers for my anxiety in this situation."

Allow me to be blunt. IMHO:

You don't trust her.

You don't trust her around her ex.

You don't trust her to make the choices that you have pre-determined to be best for "her" (meaning you).

You don't trust her enough to have a honest conversation unless your therapist is nearby.

You crave being in control of her.... while denying it outright.

You talk about having a future with her while talking about "deal breakers"

YOUR anxiety is at issue here. Shifting the focus to her ex, her choices, her anxiety, her therapist or her dogs is dysfunctional.

Until you are willing to stop procrastinating and actually admit that you are afraid of being hurt ,nothing will change.

You will be forever having one foot out the door.

You feel vulnerable because you ARE vulnerable. That is the trade off of being in a relationship. If this is too painful , then you end up alone.

You came to this forum because, ultimately, you don't to lose her, do you?

Then focus on YOUR issues. Stop distracting yourself with her's.

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." Eckhart Tolle

I would submit that this is a too black-and-white a way of looking at the situation. You value freedom, but I trust that is not the only value you have. So the concept of going abroad would involve a balancing of competing values, such as freedom versus relationship. If you are saying that the value of freedom must always trump the value of relationship, then why are you in a relationship?

it does not infringe on her freedom, because she is free to choose either one. If she freely chooses to stay with the dogs, that is her free choice.

In general, you are on shaky ground when you start to explain why what you value is good for her. She is quite capable of figuring such things out and acting accordingly.

Do not allow the anxiety to run your life. As discussed previously, the way to progress on anxiety is to confront it, and experience it, not avoid it.

On shaky ground. Aside from the fact that she can weigh these things for herself, you are asking her to permanently give up her dogs. She says that she is willing to give them up for one year. Those are two entirely different things.

The dogs, I would think.

You expect others to view situations exactly as you do. If they don't, you want to leave.

Others who have posted here have reported that they stay in touch with their ex. Some do, some don't. Why must you leave is she doesn't see eye-to-eye with you on this?

To echo toolman: what exactly are you afraid of?

Perhaps the experience of anxiety is so disagreeable that you are willing to do, and to demand, almost anything to avoid it. If that is the case, my suggestion is to continue therapy, and to practice tolerating anxiety, until you are no longer afraid of it.

Perhaps you are afraid that your girlfriend will leave if she is allowed to have contact with her ex. If that is your fear, my thought is that caging her isn't going to end your anxiety and it isn't going force her to stay with you. It is just going to disappoint her, as you noted yourself in an earlier post. And encourage her to find someone else.

If she has given up the relationship completely, what does it matter whether she she's him again or not in connection with the dogs? And in all seriousness, as I believe toolman proposed before: go with her if at all possible when she goes and see for yourself. What we imagine of an unknown situation is almost always worse than the truth of the matter.

Good insight. Always remember that the desire to avoid anxiety or to minimize it is in fact the desire to stay in a comfort zone.

You're pretty much right there Bill3. Although it's quite difficult for me to articulate the mix of underlying feelings that come up here when thinking about this situation.

There's definitely a negative feeling that comes up when I think about her spending time with her ex. Part of this feeling is most certainly my anxiety, triggered by the fear of the unknown regarding who and how her ex really is. This part of the feeling will definitely be quelled, I trust, in time and through exposure to the thing that triggers my anxiety.

Another part of this feeling, however, feels like intuition to me. Why would her therapist make a strong recommendation that she cut all ties with her ex completely, including letting go of her dogs? I wasn't even in the picture when her therapist made this recommendation to her.

She and I had a discussion the other day about something totally unrelated where she brought up the dynamic between her and her ex. She's the only one of the two of them who's ever really invested in her own emotional and spiritual development, and is, according to her, quite capable of interacting with him without over-sharing of herself. He, on the other hand, still (even last week) tends to over-share with her about his problems/issues. She brought this up because she believes she's playing an "enabling" role of some kind with him (not too far-fetched, given her co-dependent parents).

Something about that dynamic there feels unhealthy to me, and I feel uneasy when I think about it.

I appreciate the bluntness of your comment toolman65, but I think you underestimate how much of my condition/weakness/shortcomings I already understand. Yes, as I admitted in my very first post, I have trust issues, and I feel I've been quite honest with myself and others about this. Yes, I am working on them (hence reaching out for help in this forum and seeking professional help to deal with letting go after some pretty intense suffering I've gone through in my life), as opposed to making them my girlfriend's problem. Yes, I may have desires to control people in order to feel less vulnerable. No, I have not acted on these desires and have instead tried to reach out for help, because I know that, deep down, what I actually want is freedom and my desire for control is a lie to myself and won't ever truly prevent myself from getting hurt.

An example: because I fear being out of control for fear of being vulnerable, I also fear flying. Does this stop me from flying? No, not at all (in fact I'm flying again tomorrow morning). Giving in to this fear would infringe on what I truly want deep down. Do I go and accost the captain to make sure he's doing his job properly? Of course not. He knows what he's doing and my rational self trusts that.

It's the other part, the anxious, irrational, child-like part, that needs to be "talked down" in a way - something I'm learning to do on my own that I realise I never learned when I was a child, when I was supposed to. This is something I've learned to do quite well actually when I was on my own, prior to being in a relationship, but for some reason being in a relationship amplifies this feeling of vulnerability for me at the moment. I trust it won't always be like this though: I just need to learn how to manage myself in this new context now.

In addition to this, I know that I've made some really bad decisions for myself in the past (e.g. in being in a serious relationship with a narcissist, where I actually thought at the time that being with her was good for me), and so part of my process right now also involves coming to deeper insight as to how to make better decisions for myself.

Have you ever been in a relationship with a narcissist, and lost your entire sense of self as a result? There's a good book you can find on Amazon in this regard, and it describes what I put myself through (unbeknownst to myself at the time). The title of the book is "Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, & Other Toxic People".

I don't want to control my girlfriend, and haven't explicitly tried to in any way. I want other perspective(s) to help me to see if I'm making good decisions for myself in being with someone like her, until such time that I can stand on my own again and trust my own decision-making paradigms again. So far, it seems like I've made a really good decision for myself in being with her.

It's most certainly not about the pets. My anxiousness and intuition are, however, flagging something here to do with her relationship with her ex, and I'm trying to isolate what it is. If it truly is purely just my anxiety and there's genuinely nothing to worry about (like in the case of flying), then it'll be relatively easy to talk myself down. If, however, my intuition is telling me that she isn't good for me in some way, or that their holding onto their dysfunctional relationship isn't good for me in some way, then my strategy most certainly wouldn't be to try to control her.

Your intuition is telling you there is something weird going on between her and ex, correct? From what you disclosed, it was pretty weird for years before you came along.
Why should now be any different?

Any relationship where people are in still in contact with previous partners is a source of anxiety. This is not an issue unique to you. Your situation may seem mild to me, but to you it is a potential deal breaker. Am i right about this?

I sense a great amount of conflict. The "logical" side wants to be with her. Your intuition wants to be free, because you feel in your gut, uneasy. You cannot abide the ambivalence.

You obviously have a high level of education, based upon the structure and content of your posts. However, have you ever considered that focusing on the minutia has distracted you from the bigger picture? Have you ever heard the phrase "analysis becomes paralysis"?. Do you want a life with her? Then you must.....

TALK TO HER

Keep it simple. Speak from the heart and don't be attached to the result.

As for myself, yes , i lived with a narcissist for several years. So i know what it is like to be "lost". To have your whole identity erased, all to keep from being alone.

When you ended it with your ex, did you listen to your head or your gut?

Maybe your girlfriend will need the security of a new relationship before she can really let go of the former one. That's not ideal, but that may be how she is. Maybe she lacks confidence in you sticking around. Just a thought.

I agree.

This is quite possible. To me, though, the first-off solution is not to end the relationship, thereby cutting off both ex and dogs. Rather, the solution is for her to develop better boundaries. She could for example say in a friendly way:

We are getting into TMI territory now.

This is one of those things we agreed not to discuss.

Too far!

This is too much for the dogs to hear.

All in a friendly, even humorous way while still making the point.

I assume that the T had reasons for what she/he said, but my perspective is that a T is not there to tell (or "recommend") people what to do, but rather to help them figure out and implement their own solutions. I would think that a great project for t would be to help her maintain better boundaries, a skill that will serve her well throughout her life, not just in the dog/ex situation.

Can you go with her to visit the dogs?

Thanks everyone for your input!

I went to see my therapist yesterday and had quite a profound discussion. Turns out my irrational fear comes down to fear of abandonment, rooted in neglect in childhood.

This is how it played out in my mind (irrational, I know): I saw her hanging out with her ex again, making a poor decision to get back together with him, and me having to try to remind her of how she herself said it wouldn't be good for her to be with him.

This is what my therapist calls the "rescue position" - a deep-rooted habitual position I assumed from a very young age because, even before I had words, I perceived that my parents were unable to make good choices for themselves and were unable to truly see me and perceive my (valid) childhood needs, let alone meet my needs. I took up this position to, in a very child-like way, show them that I am actually good enough to be worthy of being seen. (When you're very young, below the age of 5, you have a built-in idealisation mechanism that says to you that there can't possibly be anything wrong with your parents, so you have a tendency to blame yourself for your needs not being met).

Funnily enough, it was this exact dynamic that played out over and over again in my relationship with the narcissist, where, in reality, she was unable to make good decisions for herself, because she was so disconnected from herself. I was drawn to this destructive dynamic like a moth to a flame because it reminded me, on a very deep level, of my primary "loves" - my early family relationship dynamic. I constantly felt like I was trying to save her from herself, and convince her of my value.

Being reminded of this dynamic, due to my imagined scenario of my current girlfriend visiting her ex and how it would play out, kicked my anxiety into high gear.

The reality, and what I have to remind myself of, is if she had to go back to her ex, it wouldn't reflect on me or my character or my actual value in any way. It would imply that we're not right for each other, and in the worst case (if she had to go back to him knowing that it's not good for her), a character flaw in her, which isn't desirable in a partner anyways. In any event, assuming that "rescue" position isn't healthy, and nobody should ever have to feel like that in a healthy, loving relationship where both parties are making good choices for themselves and each other.

This was all, of course, irrational fear, and I have to work on not allowing my mind to jump 50 steps ahead and live in my imagined future (easier said than done, naturally). I do love her, and wouldn't want to restrict her from experiences that're good for her, and wouldn't want to be restricted myself either.

Man, just thinking about this now, parenting is such a massive responsibility that requires a significant level of emotional maturity. I don't think many people realise that.

Hope you make some progress in this relationship with this lady and the two of you can commit and take it to a higher level, if that's what is in your best interests.

Interesting read. I fell upon this old thread in search of something completely different.

This thread speaks to me.

When my daughter and her SO (of 7 years) were together they made a choice together not to have children. Taking pets into their lives also came with great discussion about responsibility - including what would happen should the relationship end - which it unfortunately did.

As with human children they have a scheduled custody arrangement. As with human children this neccessitates regular contact and communication between the ex partners.

I commend the both of them for thoughtfully considering this before taking on the responsibility of 'pet parenting'.

My response to the original poster is to find understanding in his girlfriend that this is about just that - being responsible. It would be completely wrong and irresponsible for her to ignore her ownership duties. Ownership doesn't stop merely because one party has custody.

Coming into to contact with her ex in order to make this transpire is part and parcel with that happening. You need to respect that. To suggest the whole reason she is spending time with the pet is to insinuate herself into her ex's life is unfair and suggests a problem with trust and inner security.

This thread is two years old. I genuinely hope all worked out and that the OP was able to welcom the pets as part of his own family.

I just wanted to add my 2 cents.
I chose to leave my ex H, it's been two years now. We got a dog together just after I said I wanted a divorce but gave him two months with counseling to see if things would work out. They did not. So, we separated. I did not initially take the dog but when he worked out of town I would keep her for a few days. However, I did not do a 'visitation' with her as if she were a child. about 7 months later he finally admitted he couldn't keep the dog so I took her. on occasion he would keep her for me to give me a break or I needed to go somewhere. In no way was I ever inclined by seeing my ex to want to go back to him. I'd been through too much and was/am very happy to finally be on my own. On the other side of that, we do have grown kids and a grandchild so there are always going to be times that we see one another and we are ok with it. We are not those people who can't be in the same room together without giving the evil eye or whatever. or worse. All the same. I have moved on, he has moved on. Neither the dog or the kids or the grandchild would be any motive or incentive to go back to that marriage.
Give your gf the benefit of the doubt. There's a reason she is with you and not the ex.