Cheating Husband

MP, I'm just reading this now, from experience, don't trust him and tell him it's over if he can't get it together ot refuses marital/family counseling, life is too short for this nonsense. Something similar caused me to totally melt down, volunteerily (sp?) sign in for treatment in psych ward (near fatal depression) for 10days. That's 7years ago and working along with therapist,psychiatrist, hubby and I. I apologize if what I said is out of line, or doesn't really relate to your situation.
Be sure to take good care of YOU, and of course the kids.
Seems when things are rocky with life, most men can't handle it and find a need to emotionally abandon family/marital matters for a piece of tail, rather it's verbal, or physical, when a man is sneaking things then it's a pretty good sign he is untrustworthy and that can also apply to woman who are cheaters. Grrrrrrrrrr!
Please take care and know you have many people that are very fond of you.

(((((((((( MP ))))))))))))

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Maven said:
I disagree with the advice to spy on your husband. That just demeans you.

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Who said that? - - - - - - NOT ME!!!!!!!!!

I think it was just the matter of clicking "reply" and not directed to you. Sometimes, it can happen, when we go to click "reply" we can forget to direct to that certain person's reply, and press, "reply" to the reply previous of that will appear above the newest one.
I'm sure it was just a mistake.

((((((((((( Rhapsody ))))))))))

How can someone judge someone's marriage.. 10 years is a long time and you have grown together and up like the branches of a tree...twisting and turning goood days and bad. the tree always grows up. Talking to someone is not a crime .....nor is it a cheating husband. Look over your years together and remember how loving it has been how wonderful the kids are. Always remember somepeople want to cause trouble. Apparently this wasn't her first attempt at someone to vent to...... Love what you have not what you fear. Fear will eat you up .. Speculations will tear you up. Sleep with peace. Put your mind at ease...

(((((((((((MP))))))))))))))

I know there are so many emotions running through you right now. None of them is easy to get through. But time, patience and hard work on both your parts will bring your relationship to where it needs to be.

Who amoung us is perfect? We are human, we make mistakes. Sometimes we are not thinking clearly, sometimes someone makes us feel better so we go with it and we don't think logically about what we are doing.

MP, listen to your gut. Your gut instincts will never lead you astray and will always tell the truth to you. If you feel he is truly repentive and wants to work on your marriage, then by all means give him the opportunity to do so. It's times like this, if allowed to learn, grow and mature from our mistakes, that a more beautiful life and relationship can evolve.

I wish you both love, peace, forgiveness, patience and strength!

Hugssssssss
J

Rhapsody, I wasn't referring to you...I use the "Quick Reply" at the bottom of the page on the thread pages, and it just puts the last poster's name next to the "Re:" in the brackets. Sorry about the confusion.

MP, I wish you and your husband well in mending your relationship and marriage.

heavenjourney, she already said her husband had planned to meet with this woman. And most, if not all, of us support her decision to give him another chance. I don't think anyone's telling her not to forgive him, but whether she does or not, it's her decision, and we all wish them the best.

I'm married for 29yrs. to the same person, and when our problem occurred Oct. 1999, was a too close relationship with his female co-worker, I always trusted both, and never had mistrust when they had to go overseas,etc. on business.
It is when I was told and handed to me by him, a copy of his itinerary for his Calif. trip, and he quickly grabbed it and gave me a different one, the originally handed to me one was hers, she was not going with him on business but a different place in CA for a course, they had it all planned he picked her up at her hotel and would wine and dine, one place on San Francisco Bay, I still didn't know till I found a charge acct. bill, accidently in a bag that held a "guilt gift" that I had then questioned him. See, when a spouse starts lieing or hiding stuff, that is suspicious, if he was innocent, he would of just told me all about it, I've always been open, never felt suspicious to this the regular travels for business, and never confronted him, I truly always had trust. There was another time too, he claimed to be with the group from work, turned out just them, duh? I'm sorry, when a spouse hides things like this then the so-called friendship has evolved into a "relationship". BTW, she was married too, and her husband had a twin, his wife said she was fooling around with him, got caught in bed and said she thought it was her own husband, yeah, right. She had other things about her, I won't get into.
We did work things out, took time, for we had a long marriage and were going steady for almost 7yrs (since teens) before we got married, we were not new to each other.
We can forgive but not always can forget.

(((((((( MP )))))))) I wish you well.

BTW
I do all our bills,and record keeping/filing,and not because of this event(s), it's always been an assigned "job" as the wife,ha!ha! Well I saw a few charges that didn't relate to the "guilt gifts" that he gave to me, but to her, even when I trusted them before that devastating day, we'd pick out gifts together for her and another tramp he worked with, again I never realized how deep things were getting, I was so naive and downright stupid. After that I requested copies of his business account statements from AmEX, his company paid all expenses,and wow, not only do they pay or paid for the fancy hotels and fancy meals, they didn't realize they paid for some trinkets for the slut, when I played "detective" and called the stores on the reciepts and asked what the items were, etc. Anyone that didn't see this whole thing as an affair or spouse being untrustworthy has to be a real fool, and I no longer was going to be one.
My main point, and my therapist is the one that reinforced my thought, "when a spouse starts sneaking stuff" then it is as good or the closest thing to an affair, hubby even saw the light when that was presented during our marriage counseling. Counseling can help sometimes, I'm not against it or making ammends.
I just had said that if this ever happened again, I would leave, I refuse to be made a fool of.

I agree with what Maven just said:

"heavenjourney, she already said her husband had planned to meet with this woman. And most, if not all, of us support her decision to give him another chance. I don't think anyone's telling her not to forgive him, but whether she does or not, it's her decision, and we all wish them the best."

Thanks everyone. I think we can make it through this. It's just going to be hard for me to get over. I just don't think it's worth throwing our marriage away. At least they never met with each other. I know he had that intent, but it never happened. Plus, he's told me he messed up and that he's so sorry. Still, the trust from me is going to come slowly. But, I believe we can work on this with counselling. We've shared alot together and we have 3 kids. I'm not just going to throw my marriage away.

((((((((( MP ))))))))))))

It's not worth throwing it all away, I agree. I also think it is good he is willing to work at this.
It does take time to rebuild trust, and in time you will.
I'm glad my hubby and me worked at it, and he expressed and showed me how more important we were, after all the years we invested in our marriage, I do not mean monetary, I mean love,support,fun,sorrow, and the importance of family.
I feel confident you both will get through this, even grow closer than ever. Though what happened in my relationship was devastating, our relationship became so much closer. I do not suggest that anyone should ever have to go through that to find out how strong a marriage is, but the flipside of this bad situation back in 1999, was a better,closer marriage, it's so much better now.
Things will work out, I'm sure with you and your husband.
Take good care,
Roe

I also agree. If I were married, while I don't consider myself tolerant of cheating, I might give him another chance...once. While there are a lot of people who fit the "Once a cheater, always a cheater" mold, the truth is, there are people who do change their ways.

I second that- surely there are some people who do not learn their lesson and continue to cheat, but I don't believe that is true in all cases. I can say that, first hand, having been the one to have an affair in the past, that I absolutely will never do it again and am grateful for having been given a second chance with my husband. Even if things do not work out between my husband and I, I will never cheat on anyone again . Hurting my husband, hurting myself, and almost losing my best friend was enough to snap me out of it. And this may be the case for your husband as well- I know he didn't do anything physical, but hurting you the way he did may be what it took to help him realize what he has.

Take care and good luck!

<font color="purple"> I can only speak from my own experience with this.. ... yrs ago I started talking online to a guy that turned into what I consider to be cheating, an emotional affair... which in MY opinion is worse than a physical.... my affair did eventually turn physical and my husband found out about it and confronted me.... I intended on divorcing m husband at the time but I decided I needed to give our marriage an honest hard working on since my hsuband was then at a point where he was willing to work on it too.... It was a long hard process , we made it........

I think that talking is not cheating, as long as your husband isn't hiding what it si he is talking about, when he hides his emails, IM's or wont share with you any of their conversatations or doesnt talk with her while you are present then I feel it becomes cheating an usually consitutes as an emotional affair at that point..... When I was talking to the other guy at first I didnt have any porblem doing so in front of my husband than I bcame secretive about it, hiding IM's, emails, etc... phone calls.... I would get upset and defensive if he wanted to read ovre my shoulder or ask me questions...I would stay up late at night or spend all my time at home online with thsi guy and it just kept rolling....

I havent yet read the other responses, but I imagine you have receieved many different opinions ..... I hope that you and your husband can work through this in a positive way before it does become what your defintion of an affair is....

I am willing to answer any questions that you may have about my experience if you feel it help in anyway....

(((((((((((((((((((jenn))))))))))))))))) </font>

MP,

I know! Just get an outfit like the one in your signature. That should fix everything up -- LOL.

Just trying for a laugh here.

I think men are easily misled. I'm glad you were able to catch this thing early.

You have a lot of responsibility on your shoulders. Is your Mom still living with you?

Hugs,

EJ

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Maven said:
I disagree with the advice to spy on your husband. That just demeans you. While I might make an exception if you're looking for proof when you're getting a divorce, the thing it all comes down to is, Do you, and Can you, trust him? If you don't, it doesn't matter if he cheated or not. You shouldn't be with someone you don't trust; if you didn't know he'd cheated on you, I'd suggest counseling to deal with your trust issues. In this case, you know he did cheat, at least emotionally, and planned to do it physically.

You and he have to decide, do you want to try to repair and save the marriage? This would mean that he needs to break off with this woman--no, he cannot be friends with her. You have the right to not have this woman in your life. If he won't give her up, IMO, he isn't worth keeping if you will always have to have his cheating in the back of your mind. If you're important to him, he will do what he has to help you build your trust back up, if it can be. I'd highly suggest counseling if you're going to attempt to keep your marriage together.

And don't let him tell you when to get over it. It may take years, and it's not up to him to decide what timeline is fair! Again, a marriage counselor can help you work through this.

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<font color="purple"> coming from the person that the was cheater, I agree with Maven!! If he really wants to make the marriage work he will need to understand that this can take a VERY long to heal from..... It took my husband and I YEARS!! Mainly because I remained selfish. I didnt want to let go, thought it was possible to have both my husband and this guy "just as a friend" and that he should just take my word for my whereabouts and so on, once I got over myslef and really decided that my marraige and family was what I wanted, I had to submit myself to what my husbanded needed for HIS healing, and that was account for my time, who I was with, where I was going, many many calls at work to be checked on, email screens, phone screens, IM screens and so on..I hated every minute of it and yeah at times we fought over it but in the end we worked very hard and the key ingredient was and still is open honest constant communication!!!... and over time I earned back his trust....

counseling is highly suggested....

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MentalPollution said:
Thanks everyone. I think we can make it through this. It's just going to be hard for me to get over. I just don't think it's worth throwing our marriage away. At least they never met with each other. I know he had that intent, but it never happened. Plus, he's told me he messed up and that he's so sorry. Still, the trust from me is going to come slowly. But, I believe we can work on this with counselling. We've shared alot together and we have 3 kids. I'm not just going to throw my marriage away.

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<font color="purple"> ((((((((jenn)))))))))) I will continue to send you my prayers and best wishes... It can be a long journey but there can be a happy ending to this and a stronger marriage can built... </font>

Well, the truth finally came out. The whole truth. He slept with this woman twice. It turned out to be more than I ever thought was possible. But it happened. Now here I am , stuck with this heartache. Why do people have to be so cruel? Now I'm wondering what's wrong with me that he had to cheat.

((((((((MentalPollution))))))))))
I'm really sorry he had to be a jerk and cheat on you. How long have you been married?

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MentalPollution said:
Well, the truth finally came out. The whole truth. He slept with this woman twice. It turned out to be more than I ever thought was possible. But it happened. Now here I am , stuck with this heartache. Why do people have to be so cruel? Now I'm wondering what's wrong with me that he had to cheat.

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<font color="purple"> ((((((((((((jenn)))))))))))))))))
First of all YOU are NOT at fault and there is NOTHING wrong with you!! It is HIS own doing! I would suggest a messgae board that I use to particpate in a few yrs ago but the board now has many not so good pple posting now which is why I no longer post their but there are still many many good boarders that would be very supportive and helpful... Its AOL, Women's , Marriage, Surviving The Affair..

Now again, I am on the oppsoite end, I was the cheater... It is NOT your fault Jenn.... Your husband is lost in himself and his own selfishness... I am so sorry that he has done this to you and your marriage and your family.... You will experience so many different feelings , much like grieving, in essence it is a greiving process.... Even though you can work thru this and the marraige and family unit can be saved and eventuallly trust and love can be rebuilt, it wont be the same.... It can be better...... It is a long difficult journey for sure....

I dont want to overwhelm you with too much info right now .......PM anytime Jenn, vent, scream, ask questions, pry, I am here and might be able to offer some insight, not excuse, but insight .......

((((((((((((((((((((jenn)))))))))))))))))) </font>

I agree...with SW, let me know if I can help. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Unfortunately, I've been where you are. Fortunately, it didn't end my marriage. In fact, I think it made it stronger.

Thinking of you.

Awwwwwwwww (((((((((((((MP))))))))))))))

My heart is just breaking for you right now. This is the ultimate betrayal, but, if you both wish to fix things, it is possible to work through. You don't have to make any decisions right now. Take your time, think about things, allow yourself to feel the emotions and deal with them.

I don't know why your husband cheated, but it is a direct result of his character flaw....NOT yours.

Remember to breathe.....take time for YOU and the kids. You are in my prayers.

*Gentle Hugs*
J

there is NOTHING wrong with you!!! don't go there in your head. listen to your heart instead. let me know if i can do anything..........love you, pat

Jenn, you are just recieving the fall out of the crap hitting the fan, your still the same loving person.
If you truely think he's worth your love go for it get counseling, make him get blood work and you also, ya never know how many men the other woman slept with, and tell him this.
Love
Angie

for sure make him get tested and you also do it.......angie is totally spot on with that one!

I am so sorry sweetie!