Cheating Husband

I'm so sorry it's turned out worse than you thought. But, as everyone said, don't confuse the blame here. HE chose the action, HE is the one at fault. We women are conditioned in society to think we're responsible for men's behavior, and I have done it, too. We're told we have to be pretty enough, smart enough, interesting enough, the perfect mother, the perfect lover, etc. Well, that's bullcrap! No one's perfect!

If your husband wasn't happy, he had NO excuse to cheat on you. When you're in a marriage, it's a partnership, and if you have problems, you have to COMMUNICATE with your partner. You can't fix a marriage if both spouses don't know there's problems to be fixed, and what they are. Not all problems are one or the other's faults, and some aren't fixable, but if you're married, you're presumably an adult, and adults are supposed to be mature. Mature people don't go, "I hate you!" and run off to play with someone else. They talk about what's bothering them.

If you don't want to be married anymore, you don't cheat. You tell your partner you're not happy, and you don't want to work on it, and let your partner go. It will probably hurt him or her, but at least you're being honest, saving time and letting your partner go free to find a new life. I think cheating would hurt more, and it'll waste time. Let the person go and get on with his/her life.

That was long-winded, sorry.

Oh (((((( Jenn ))))))))

I just read this whole thread and am floored. I wish all us women could band together and hold you right now. It is NOT your fault.....you didn't drive him to do this, he made a choice. I am so glad you have this place to come vent your anger and get support. Please know that whatever you decide to do, that you have a network of women to help you through this. You're a trooper and I know you'll make it through this, no matter what decision you make. He has done the ultimate hurt......I hate that you're going through this. You're too kind a soul......please keep posting hun, let us help you.

I just don't know what to do with myself. It's like I'm in a daze. I still can't believe he would actually do something like this to me. I love him so much but I hate him so much. He has apologized so many times. I do believe that he knows he messed up big time, and I don't think he'll ever do it again. But that doesn't stop my hurt right now. We both are going to be checked out for diseases. I think that's one of the most important things I can do right now.

Just when thing were starting to look up for me I get slammed with this. He said he feels like a low life piece of crap. And I think he should. I just have to keep telling myself that I am strong and I can get through this with the support from you all.

Good. He deserves to feel like that. I can't begin to tell you that you that I know how you feel because I don't. I don't know what I would do if I were in your shoes. I'm glad you have PC to help you get through this.

Oh, Jenn... I'm so sorry about this happening to you- you wonderful caring soul. I'm here for you, my friend!

((((((((((((((( Jenn )))))))))))))))))))

((((((((( Jenn )))))))

You have received so much advice, that I don't have anything different to say to you. I do want you to know that I am here for you. Send me a pm if you wish. I'll help in any way I can.

Love and hugs,

Jan

Jen hon it wasn't you.

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bebop said:
Jen hon it wasn't you.

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when it happened to me, i obsessed about what i had done wrong. and what really made it worse was that the woman was the age of our oldest son........women are conditioned to think that we must be perfect in our marriages........

i hope you're doing okay........xoxoxo pat

You're right, Pat. I do feel that I have to be perfect in my marriage. That's why I keep wondering what's wrong with me or what I did wrong. It's killing me. He says it's nothing I've done. He told me it's a stupid decision he made and that I shouldn't blame myself. I'm trying hard not to do that. I'm not the one that messed up. It's him. And he did it all by himself.

you want ignorance? when i asked my husband (a doctor) if he had used a condom, his answer was, "should i have?".........i told him that i'd come into OR and shoot him right between the eyes if i tested positive for HIV. my doctor told me that i had to test every year for 15 years as they really don't know how long the virus can survive yet. i finally passed the 15 year mark and he will live til he dies of whatever.

i think that men who cheat on their wives usually don't use condoms......just my opinion, after asking a lot of them........

Jen I had a husband that I always found other women's phone numbers in his wallet. He wanted to be swingers, open marriage, anything you can imagine. I was a tiny little thing. all 92 lbs of me. I gave him what he wanted in the bedroom. It still wasn't enough. He cheated anyway. Just remember it is not you at all. Something in some males genes I think. It is like they have to conquer females for some reason. makes them feel like "men". we are here for you hon.

This thread prompted a discussion between me and the new guy that I'm seeing. He now knows that I will not tolerate cheating. I wish saying those words put a force field around them so we could feel secure, but I don't think I'll ever feel completely secure.

Its very scary to think of what they do when we're not with them.



I know women cheat too; I know there are men out there who have experienced this pain. I can't imagine myself cheating; I just don't understand it.

I don't understand cheating either. If the one's who cheated put as much effort into their marriages/relationships as they do into their cheating, then there wouldn't be any problems and they wouldn't be cheating!

Just my take on it....however skewed it may be.

Hugssssss
J

I am VERY reluctant to post this at this time and probably should take my own advice, when in doubt dont....... but at the same time I feel Jenn really needs to know that she is NOT at fault for HIS actions.....

So if this post should be pulled or moved please do so without incident of casting over Jenns need of support........

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sabau2 said:
I don't understand cheating either. If the one's who cheated put as much effort into their marriages/relationships as they do into their cheating, then there wouldn't be any problems and they wouldn't be cheating!

Just my take on it....however skewed it may be.

Hugssssss
J

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<font color="purple"> I agree and I was going to post this in another thread but ..........

Many people who have cheated project their guilt and blame unto the BS (betrayed spouse) , I cannot stress enough that that is in itself the cheaters self denial..... Here are some excerpts from old posts of mine from another message board ......

..........." As someone who was the cheater I have to say, I cheated b/c of my own weakness, my own faults, my own selfishness, my own insecurities, and my own unwillingness to communicate and face my responsibilities...basically I was a complete coward and ran....Does that mean my husband was not responsible for his own contributions to our marriage and what issues we had as a couple, no not at all....BUT He sure as heck was not to blame for my affair. The affair was something I chose to do. He had no say in it. I was the one who searched elsewhere, I was the one that turned my back on us, I was the one who lied and snuck around, and manipulated, and schemed, and so on.... It was a choice I made, not him. He is not responsible for MY actions, I AM responsible for MY actions........."

.......I chose to not confront my issues, my concerns, to not communicate with my husband how I was feeling because I didn't want to deal with it and instead I chose to be selfish and seek what I thought I needed in another........But had I done exactly what sabau2 stated and put that energy into my marriage than I would like to think that I would not have cheated.... "

Question that someone asked me :

How come cheaters don't want to use protection??? Is it because they are uncaring, selfish, hurtful jerks who don't care about anyone or anything besides themselves? .........

My response:

I dont think it is so much that we dont/didnt want to use protection but more an immature thinking that, "ahhh nothing is going to happen" as if we were/are invinciable or something. It is part of the fantasy of an affair. We/them dont think much beyond ourselves at the time of contact...Yes selfish, immature, uncaring, irresponsible idiots we/they are...Before I had any kind of actual physical sexual relations with my Xom, we had dicussed in detail about using precautions for 2 reasons....1- I was not on any kind of Birth control...2- I was aware of his sexual history (many partners both male and female, both single and married) so even tho he said he was clean I didnt know for sure...He was someone from online BTW...Anyway even with those detailed dicussions and very real reasons as to why protection should be used, we still DID NOT use anything at all...I was very very stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It wasnt until after the fact that I relaized just what risks I had taken and after dday i went for tests, thankfully all were negative....................

My intention is not to hijack this thread as it is very important that we continue supporting Jenn and sending her our love, prayers and best wishes during this heartbreaking time.....

My intention is to offer to Jenn a personal example of the mindset......... That mindset can be changed though which is the good news! Unfortunatley it takes time.... It took me yrs and how my hubby was able to love me thru it and stay is amazing to me and I very blessed that he loved me when I didnt..... Surviving doesnt always mean staying together but it doesnt have to mean breaking up either..... Jenn is still in the very raw moments of learning the truths and sorting the jumble of emotions that one endures....

There si so much I want o say but Jenn is too fresh to hear it now...... I just want to say that marriages can survive and even become stronger..... There is hope....

(((((((((((((((((((((jenn))))))))))))))))))) please I hope you can feel my sincere concern and care for you ....... </font>

I swore I'd never be with someone who cheated on me, too.

However, here I am. I've learned 2 things.

#1 - Never say never.

#2 - I'm stronger than I ever thought I was.

I used to believe that if your partner cheats on you, you leave. No ifs, ands or buts. But I have seen some marriages survive cheating, and be stronger for it, and I've come to the conclusion, there may be exceptions, and I don't think people who stay are stupid, unless the partner continues to cheat, and the opposite takes them back, time after time. It may not be stupidity, so much as insecurity. But I won't tolerate it more than once, if that. I believe, if you keep letting it go, your partner will think it's no big deal, and will keep hurting you.

I agree with Sky, that most don't use protection for the reason, they don't think anything will happen. Just like teenagers often do, but it's not restricted to teenagers (and there are teenagers who play it smart). That's why I believe, while you should be able to be with a partner and not use protection when you're both committed to each other, the truth is, you can never truly know if your partner is truly being faithful and actually committed. Even when married. It's a sad fact of life.

I have more to say, but I have to warm up leftovers for my boyfriend and myself. I might add more later.