Cheating Husband

I just got a call from a man that says his wife is cheating on him with my husband. He said he just wanted to let me know, because he felt it was only fair that i did. His wife says they've never met, but have been talking online for about 2 months...talking mostly about their marital problems ( I didn't know we had any ).

My husband denies this. He says he doesn't know what is going on with it. If this is true, should I consider it as cheating? Is talking to someone online cheating? I don't know what to think about it.

(((((((Jenn)))))) I don't know if I'd consider it cheating, but everyone's definition is different. It kind of sounds like, if he's doing this, he's just venting/complaining and we all need to do that. I guess I would consider it cheating if it went farther over that line, but don't have enough information to make the call right now.

It's good that you asked him about it, though. Talking things through never hurts.

I wonder about the motives of the guy who called you.....

(((((((((Jenn))))))))) I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

Love, Candy

I dont know if I would call his chatting with another female on line cheating, but I would see it as a wake up call that some thing is wrong (rather you know of it or not) and now is the time to fix it before the chatting turns into cheating - if this was to happen again.

<font color="purple"> ((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS ))))))) </font>

I just found out by the woman's husband that they had planned to meet this week while my husband is out of town, and that they call and text message each other all the time. This just keeps getting worse. THey haven't ever met, but I think some of this is just as bad. Help. What do I do?!

Jenn,

When emotional intimacy is formed, which I believe can be done through communication, in this case text messaging, it can lead to physical cheating as well.

Any time a spouse speaks to someone of the opposite sex about marital problems, it can lead to physical intimacy.

The media, TV shows, etc., is almost always giving off the message that something better is out there, when in fact it is not.

Please keep us posted so we can help support you at this difficult time.

Hugs,

EJ

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MentalPollution said:
I just found out by the woman's husband that they had planned to meet this week while my husband is out of town, and that they call and text message each other all the time. This just keeps getting worse. They haven't ever met, but I think some of this is just as bad. Help. What do I do?!

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I am sorry <font color="purple"> ((((((( HUGS ))))))) </font> - in this case I would say he has emotionally cheated on you and that he needs to be accountable for his action, even if they did not physical go a stray, for they were possibly heading that way (and) please know that you can save the marriage - if that is what you want.

IMO - there are three ways that one can cheat...... married or in a committed relationship

1. Physically (sex)

2. Emotionally (bonding to another that is not your spouse)

3. Visually (wanting & lusting after another that is not your spouse)

i am so sorry that this has happened to you........i'm of the opinion that if a spouse is sharing intimate details about his/her marriage with someone else.....it's emotional cheating. which usually moves to physical cheating. it's almost a mutual grooming that men and women do to get something started....that's my opinion.....you throw out a line or two and see where the conversation goes.....

you deserve to know what he's up to and we're all here for you. i know this is scant support, through the computers, but we are with you on this.....know that......love you, pat

I agree with EJ and Pat. Your husband shouldn't be talking to this woman about his perception that there are problems within your marriage. He should be talking to you about it. Bonding with someone in the way he has is emotional cheating, and it's hurtful and wrong. How would he feel if you were the one chatting with some guy online about your marriage?

And then, planning to meet up? Behind your back? If he's hiding people he speaks with from you, there's something wrong there.

I call that an emotional affair.I suggest that you keep your eyes open and continue to find more answers. Become your own detective if you can't afford a real one. Thats what I did! Check the phone bills, the credit card receipts, His miles on the care when he leaves and returns,His cell phone, look for condoms in his wallet or a condom ring imprint,His computer etc.Is he viewing pornography. Is he accountable of were he goes?Is he at work when he says he is at work etc. I am sorry about your pain and Good luck
And do you really want to know because this could really get ugly.
Smilie

((((((((((((((jenn))))))))))))))))

i am here for you

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Right now, what you probably most want is for ...

a.) This to have not happened.
b.) For her to go away.
c.) To blame somebody -- her, your husband, or yourself.

I firmly believe that men and women can be friends -- my two best friends over the past several years have been men and yes, I am a married woman. However, I don't keep secrets from my husband and that's what takes this relationship your husband has with this woman across the line -- he kept it a secret from you. If it was a friendship like any other, he wouldn't have needed to hide it.

An affair is the symptom of the troubled state of your marriage -- it's not necessarily the problem. Often, if you can fix the problems, the symptoms go away on their own.

I don't agree with everything on the following website and you probably won't either, but it's possible it can help you and your husband to figure out what the problems are and give you some ideas as to how to begin to fix them: Marriage Builders: Steps to Recover From An Affair/Infidelity

Jenn

IMO it is considered emotional adultry .. When you get emotional attached to someone online and share the intimate parts of your life witrh them that can be considered adultry



Just my opinion

Tymber

(((((((( Jenn )))))))))).

I am sooo sorry this is happening.. Grrrrrrrrrrr big time @ your hubby. Thinks I would get out the canned dog food and mix it with rice and shrimp for his dinner.. grin Then ask him to fess up.....

grrrrrrrrrr @ your hubby....

TYMBERWOLV: When you get emotional attached to someone online and share the intimate parts of your life witrh them that can be considered adultry

Not necessarily. After all, I've seen a great deal of affection and emotional intimacies shared in this environment alone.

One could say that it's not an emotional affair according to gender and sexual orientation, e.g., if two heterosexual women are being emotionally intimate with one another, it's not an emotional affair -- but these kind of friendships can erode marriages too. What's more, many men and women are supportive and emotionally intimate with the opposite gender and they don't have affairs with one another. Even the presence of love cannot determine if a relationship is an affair. I assure you, I love my friends -- they're good people and they've been a good friend to me, but I don't want to marry them, I don't want to have sex with them, the love we have between us is not romantically based.

I think what sets this relationship apart from those described is that secrets were kept and plans were made to meet. It's always possible that those plans never would have come to fruition or that even if they had, one or both parties would not be able to go through with the act. Nonetheless, this relationship was certainly headed in the direction of a full-fledged affair. Hopefully, it will never have the opportunity to go there because both people will disengage, turn around, and begin to work on their own marriages so that their spouse is meeting their needs in accordance with a romantic love relationship.

mentalpollution--I don't know you like the others here seem to, but I do know you've been through some tough times & people here (myself , too, have reponded) so know that you have many caring people here to support you through this difficult time. From all the info. you have gotten so far this sounds bad to me. I would be very concerned, asyou are, about my husband, what his intentions are, where his loyalties lie, & how the marriage can be healed. I would be devastated & probably couldn't think straight. I just know how hurt you must be. I don't have any good advice. I would be a basket case, but I tend to be very fragile. Maybe you are made of stronger stuff than I am.--Suzy

MP, tell him you want to go to marriage counciling

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TYMBERWOLV said:
Jenn

IMO it is considered emotional adultry .. When you get emotional attached to someone online and share the intimate parts of your life witrh them that can be considered adultry

Just my opinion

Tymber

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.... If we give more to another person, that which is usually held in honor of or for our spouse, then we are having an affair - and it does not matter if it be physically, emotionally or sexually...... it is wrong and it is cheating our spouse of that which is theirs and theirs alone.

One should never give another person "more" than they give their spouse........ for the 2 shall become 1.

Wow, everybody seems to be all over this with sweetness, but I the one of cynicism am here, with a failed marriage chocked full of infidelities, to shed some light on this unfortunate and potentially dangerous subject. I am very sorry this happened to you. You didn't deserve this, and always remember it's not your fault. Don't put the blame on only one of them either. It takes 2 to tango. Here's what you can do, first you have to get him to confess, no easy feat. Don't have sex with him anymore, because she may be the only one, but there could be others as well, and you don't want to ruin your health. After he's confessed, you 2 should probably seek some sort of counceling. This may or may not work out due to you having to get over the lying, cheating, etc., and you will take a long long time to get over this. You're human, it hurts, and that's normal. You also should know that the 1st time my husband cheated, we did this, and......well, we're divorced now due to his insatiable lust for sex, with anyone or anything, animal, vegetable, or mineral. I have alway believed once a cheater, always a cheater, and so far, my theroy has been shot down once, and it was by a girl who used to cheat, and as far as I know, doesn't now. Personally, I know you love yur husband, and I know it hurts, but if ya'll don't have kids together, and if after a while, you still can't trust him, get rid of him, men that cheat are never good enough for the women they're with anyways. My love and prayers are with you in your time of need.

GPG

I went through this with my husband. Somewhat different circumstances, but I know some of what you are feeling.

I am assuming you believe this stranger that called you. Now, you have to do what is right for you. A long talk with your husband is definitely in order. I'd show/tell him what "evidence" you've found and don't be afraid to tell him that you don't believe him when/if he denies it.

PM anytime. I've been where you are. It's a very lonely place.

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greenpunkergirl said:
Wow, everybody seems to be all over this with sweetness, but I the one of cynicism am here, with a failed marriage chocked full of infidelities, to shed some light on this unfortunate and potentially dangerous subject.

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I understand where you are coming from here having had a husband that actually cheated on you sexually and for that I am sorry...... ((( hugs ))).

BUT - I have to say: I do not think we are sugar coating this matter with sweetness, for in all honesty we cannot / should not jump to any wrongs conclusions for all we have been told about this matter is that he has been chatting online with a woman - so until some thing else is proven (God forbid) we should not over react or assume some thing is happening or has happened...... and I speak from personally experience here, for while chatting may have taken place for several month no sexual activity ever did.

I disagree with the advice to spy on your husband. That just demeans you. While I might make an exception if you're looking for proof when you're getting a divorce, the thing it all comes down to is, Do you, and Can you, trust him? If you don't, it doesn't matter if he cheated or not. You shouldn't be with someone you don't trust; if you didn't know he'd cheated on you, I'd suggest counseling to deal with your trust issues. In this case, you know he did cheat, at least emotionally, and planned to do it physically.

You and he have to decide, do you want to try to repair and save the marriage? This would mean that he needs to break off with this woman--no, he cannot be friends with her. You have the right to not have this woman in your life. If he won't give her up, IMO, he isn't worth keeping if you will always have to have his cheating in the back of your mind. If you're important to him, he will do what he has to help you build your trust back up, if it can be. I'd highly suggest counseling if you're going to attempt to keep your marriage together.

And don't let him tell you when to get over it. It may take years, and it's not up to him to decide what timeline is fair! Again, a marriage counselor can help you work through this.

good post, Maven..........

I think you need to speak to him and find out whats going on. Its awful but be brave and start asking him some hard questions. Im sorry this has happened to you. I hope thongs work out on this

Well, he has admitted talking and texting this woman. I talked to her husband again, and he said that her cell phone bill is over $600, so they must have had quite a few conversations. But like I said, my husband has fessed up to messing up. He knows that I won't stand for it, and we have a long way to go when it comes to regaining my trust. He has to go out of town again this week, but I am keeping his cell phone here. If she wants to talk to someone she can talk to me. I don't blame all of this on her because I know that it does take 2 to tango. We are looking into marriage councelling, too. It's just going to be awhile before I heal from this. He never actually met the woman (who has the same name as me... go figure), but the emotional damage has been done. I love my husband and I want to save my marriage. He's doing all he can to make it better. I made him call her (in front of me) and tell her that he didn't want anything else to do with her. I also made him call her husband and tell him that he wants nothing else to do with her. Her hubby is really pissed off about this, and I do believe that my hubby and his wife will no longer be talking. My husband even offered to let me go with him on his trip this week. I honestly do think this is over between them. Now it's just time to heal.

I do believe the best intensions should come with your HUsband and yourself. There is a lot of advice out there and not everyone will agree.. Sometimes ppl turn a friendship into more and most of the time its one sided. Love your family and love yourself. Trust eachother remember no one is perfect and that he may have been just a sounding post for her and she took it and ran with it.. Hugs