Non Speaking Husband

I think the OP is listening and thinking about all the opinions and suggestions. I also think that she is doing the right "first" thing in hanging in there and getting her masters too. Talking to a lawyer is also good so she is clear on her rights and her risks too. Also, finding a therapist is another good step as well, and even asking questions here at PC is yet another good step.

I personally am not expecting her to "just "bingo" jump and do, she needs to think about this situation and sort it through, nothing wrong with that. Twenty four is actually still VERY YOUNG and so many women fall into traps at this age, come on, look how busy this relationship forum is.

One step at a time, nothing wrong with that, learning is what we ALL do, often we learn the hard way too, don't we? I did, lots I look back on with way more knowledge then I had back at that age. I walked down that isle and joined up with a person that was one huge rude awakening after another, but I did not have any PC to go to back then or the access to what is known now either.

One step at a time, haste makes waste.

OE

I think this sums it up.....you are still hoping that he will change back to what he was......but you know something.....people like him don't just change overnight into what he's like now.......there was something about him that you were missing those last few years that you think now were so wonderful.......could be that you were hiding in your schooling & really NOT seeing him for what he really was even then....people JUST DON"T CHANGE SUDDENLY......you are also older now & you are seeing things that you didn't when younger.

My H was the jerk he was from even before we were married. While I was involved in my degree & in my engineering career, I didn't really put the problem out of my mind because I was constantly fighting with him.....but the seriousness of the problem didn't hit me until I no longer was hiding in my education & my career.

I see one serious problem that YOU HAVE YOURSELF.....you don't stand up for yourself & with the direction that you have been handling your marriage....you are going to have serious problems IRL with people walking all over you because you seem to REFUSE to stand up for yourself & for the things that are ok & not ok in the way you are treated....you roll over & play dead hoping it will just go away......you are going to really get HURT even worse than a failed marriage....because no one is going to RESPECT YOU......they will take advantage of you because they know you won't say anything....won't stand up for yourself & set your boundaries & LET THEM KNOW.....you may do it silently & just leave situations that end up making you uncomfortable.....but you are seriously dysfunctional in your ability to set boundaries & communicate that with others......& it's not going to do your career or interfacing with co-workers any favors if you continue to interface with people the same way you interface with your H. In reality......our behaviors are no different at home then they are in our career/work place they just shine out what is inside of us.

Your H doesn't respect you for one thing you really haven't given him anything to respect because you have never stood up for yourself & against the way he's treating you.....maybe he's trying to find out who & what you really are like & is trying to push you until you finally are willing to stand up for yourself.....I've done that to people I have considered to be wimpy......just to see if they have any backbone.......& I don't let people push me.....they know exactly what backbone I have & what boundaries in the way I will allow them to treat me.......

YOU JUST SAY NOTHING & seem to think that's ok.

Three weeks! Yay! (I've been reading this thread but don't think I've commented before.) Would you be offended if I said I can see it as a Lifetime movie?

I agree about not rushing but it's been 6 years and he is still no good. How much longer one needs to stick around? As one poster said no way he changed all of a sudden maybe you just didn't realize how bad he is or he was grooming you into submission but no wY great man turn into a jerk overnight. So I personally refuse to feed her bs how he is gonna be great if she sticks around

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No one is feeding her the BS of how he is gonna be great if she sticks around though. Every post here that I have seen has recommended she make plans to end the relationship. Six years? well, she was what, 18 when this began, um not too many 18 year olds know the signs of potential toxic. I did not see it when I was 18. Plus he was older, still is but is not maturing, but now that she is married to him is showing his true colors. Yeah, it happens, it happened to me, happens to a lot of people, that is why they invented "divorce".

OP isn't interested in ending it though. She keeps saying she wants to fix it. (If only his dad spoke to him if only he went to therapy if only he got a different job etc) He is never even home for her to fix it! She saw a lawyer about putting her name on his house not to divorce. For me your suggestion to take time and not rush sounded like giving her yet another hope that it might improve. In my opinion there is no need to take it slow. If she only knew him for a year then maybe but after 6 years if it is bad there is there is little hope

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Yes, I hear that from her, a lot of young women go down that path, wanting to "fix it" somehow. I went down that path as I mentioned it can be a very hard and painful path, and one never truely "fixes it completely" maybe never fixes it, and will never fix it because the one who has to really fix it is the person who is presenting the problem to begin with, that is the one who has to get the help. She can't "change" him, he has to change himself and grow up.

I know first hand what it is like to be blamed too, it was always 'MY FAULT" too, which ofcourse was not the truth. I can say from experiencing this first hand this "it is your fault" comment is definitely a huge RED FLAG. And I think every single poster has expressed that to her too.

On a site that has so many "victims" like this, many of us, and I am included here, have been "blamed"and they call it "BLAME THE VICTIM". That is was users and abusers, and individuals that disrepect the boundaries of others always do, they blame their victims.

We have pointed out significant red flags to her. You know that saying, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink".

I have watched someone I love dearly "try to fix him" too. I tried to tell her, so did others, still, she had to keep trying to fix him. Ten years and it finally had to hit her right between the eyes before she got it. Then after a while a part he came begging and she took him back and sure enough "bam again". Then time went by and he tried again, again she tried BAM EVEN HARDER.

I will say to Seeyalater, you are still young, have not dated other individuals, you only really know this one guy. Please, don't waste all your time with this "one guy" and then have to finally experience other individuals much later on, when this one guy finally puts you down so badly you break. I only see this husband of yours "only seeing himself and his needs" and not yours, helping with your school is not enough. All I am seeing is he is mostly "all about himself" THAT IS NOT LOVE, that is SELFISHNESS. That is not something you can really FIX either. You are only important when it is about HIM AND HIS NEEDS, that is not a loving marriage and has no foundation to build a loving marriage on either. You are mortgaging your heart and your life on a foundation that is never going to be strong enough to actually build anything on.

That is my opinion, and I think the opinion on pretty much everyone else that has mortgaged their lives and came up bankrupt or very hurt in someway. We do only live once, we deserve to have some happiness.

OE

I do need personal space but I do not need or want a husband who is gone from home every weekend starting 5 pm on Friday! And not to school or work. Heck if I am alone every weekend I might as well date others! ( of course get rid of this one). He just doesn't want to be around. Who needs that? Might as well be single

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This may be working out for them.

It's definitely working for him because he's not looking for a divorce......& the only part that's not working for the OP is that she's complaining about it here but not saying a word to him about what he's doing to her.....so it must be working for her as normally people would be FIGHTING MAD about being treated like that.

I know that I stuck around a very bad marriage for 33 years before I finally left......the first 20 years I hid out getting my degree & in my career......then the last 13 years I ended up financially trapped in it without any way out because I didn't get out when I could have & I had issues with H before I ever got married but didn't have the confidence in myself to stand up for what I believed was the problem.......

Confidence in making it alone can be a huge barrier to making the final break also.....LOL....when I did it, I did it good....moved 2100 miles away from anyone I ever knew to a place where I didn't know anyone.....best thing I ever did once I finally had enough & had a way to escape....but sometimes it does take a long time to get to that point......while during that time they never to get fixed....it just gets worse.

A Lifetime movie would be great. It's like riding a roller coaster with no seat belts. No offense taken at all. How about you get the contract and sign me for the show.

That is "you" though. Well, this is the OP's life, she will be the one who will be living with her decisions. Hopefully, this thread has enlightened her and given her food for thought, many have stepped forward and taken time to point out the red flags they see, how they wish they did differently and perhaps she will take away some things that will actually "help" her going forward.

She is complaining about it. Am not sure how it's working. It is working for him that's for sure

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She complained about it. He is gone every weekends. He isn't talking. He is angry. He kicked her out. He bought a house on his name. He buys stuff not telling her Etc etc et. If she didn't complain that would be a different story. We wouldn't have this thread otherwise.

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If it is all working for her then whAt the point of this thread

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I don't want to hijack this thread, yeah we all have our stories. I am almost 50 though and my daughter is an adult and happily married. Am not sure what is my daughter brought into this for. Sorry kind of read it in a rush. No time. Right now I am Dealing with my moms cancer so it's kind of consumes lots of my time being a care giver so

. We all advise based on our own standards I have no patience for crap so when relationship is bad or starts going sour I leave. I am not very patient in that sense. My parents stick together in not so good marriage so no freaking wAy I would stick around. I get out of bad relationships. Life is too short. I don't give up on finding right man but I will not stay with wrong one so I advice same to others. But they don't have to follow

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Everything that I have read has helped me a lot. Like some have said, maybe some of the signs were there and I just didnt see them. He and we together have always (last 6 years) been happy go lucky and we were inseparable. When I said that he wasn't like this the last six years. I really mean it.
He has changed and yes he is blaming me for everything starting with what I have already said.
Now that I have been back in the house, he has complained about work. He has had another job offer (a previous employer) but wont take it because he doesnt like to sit in meetings. Thats his excuse. I do think he is also going through some type of depression because when I showed him a picture of himself from years ago. His comment was that person is a looser and cant get his life together. His words.
Three weeks to go and I am moving along fine. I'm gone most of tomorrow due to work.
I do appreciate all of the comments. I originally posted to see what outsiders picked up on that I didnt. Now I do see it.

I have read all the responses. Thank you all for them. Reading and seeing what I didnt see, I appreciate that. When I said he wasnt like that. He really was not like that. Maybe a bit stubborn at times but nothing like this.
I have three weeks to go with school and one of my jobs will end the middle of May. From there on I will go my direction.
We have had many discussions on several occasions about his issues. I know when Im gone he doesnt stay home he goes fishing.
NO, I do not want a husband that cant stay home with me on the weekends. I might as well be by myself.

You keep saying that he "blames" you for "everything." What is the "everything." That is an odd use of language . . . like "things" went wrong and blame has to be apportioned. But I'm not hearing that any real problem occurred, other than he is unhappy.

If he is unhappy that you are not cooking dinner ecvery evening, that's a "complaint," not a case of blaming. He sure does sound like a complainer, and he complains both at work and at home. That tends to be a feature of immaturityor irritability. It's not a mark of stubborness, a term you use a lot without really explaining how he demonstrates that trait. You've sounded to me like a person speaking English as a second language. That's part of why we've wondered about your cultural background.

Unlike others, I'm not saying you should leave him. A lot of people would rather stay in a strained relationship, than be alone. You don't sound like you are deeply distressed.

I'd say yes to English not being op's first language.

I pointed out earlier her not understanding what's being asked. She sometimes answers questions as she doesn't understand meaning of words. Certainly words stubborn and blame are totally misused.

That's why I still think her submissiveness is cultural ( not to say all non native speakers are submissive, English isn't my first language either but am not submissive). But I typically recognize non native speakers. I even wonder if she lives in a non western country. When asked if she is in U.S. She never answered

Sometimes men change when they don't want to be in a relationship or marriage, they want out but have no guts to do that so they become jerks. Usually women leave then. This one doesn't leave so he will probably get worse. More mean etc

He isn't stubborn at all and the only issue I see is him not happy in this marriage, so that's why he is never home and he made some steps in preparation to get out as he bought a house for himself. He isn't blaming anyone . I actually think op is being stubborn in a wAy by sticking around no matter what he does



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Sometimes people are so angry/unhappy with themselves that they push others away too.
One thing that stood out to me is when she showed him pictures of him when he was younger and he called himself a loser. He "could be" running from himself.

I think he needs to see a professional.

I agree with Open Eyes. He has his issues. He needs to seek help.

These opinions on what the OP should do (leave or stay)-- it's not always clear cut. Sure he is mistreating her, we obviously see that and we've pointed out the areas of more concern (i.e. lying about house ownership, kicking spouse out for an indefinite amount of time). Does he deserve the chances OP is giving to him to keep this marriage and improve on himself? That depends.

If he is willing to go seek professional help, see where he went wrong, learn how to better cope with possible stress from work, understand that he can't always complain and have someone fix things for him (he needs to put in effort too), maybe even apologize for his immaturity...then maybe it will be worth trying to stay and help him.

Nobody likes to be given up on. I know I didn't like it when my friends took off because of my depression.

But if he shows no remorse whatsoever, continues to want things his way or no way, keeps blaming you for his troublesome life, then I'd say it's not worth it. If he can't even see how hard you are trying to make this work, then yea, you're better off without him.

The ideas on this thread - ALL great. Lots of different perspectives. I think it's wonderful how we can all discuss our opinions.

I have throughout my life starting when I was very young - always been guilty until proven innocent - even when I'm obviously hurt - like being raped and blamed for that.

I am pretty good at holding myself accountable - I'm tough on others but on me too. So its different for me to say that I don't feel the degree of guilt that others think I should have. They say I'm not being accountable and making excuses for myself. After beating myself up for a lifetime of wrongs - to finally give myself what feels like a sincerely deserved break (or call it "in consideration of") seems like a positive for me.

I'm not saying I don't feel bad if my BPD / anger hurts someone 's feelings - its just that I know I do not do it deliberately and maliciously PLAN to hurt someone - its like a snowball rolling down a hill that once started is out of control. I have been needlessly hard on myself (something the Catholic Church taught me) so if I'm really honest with myself and "blame" BPD instead of me - its a legitimate distinction. I DON'T PLAN to attack and the next day when i realize the things I've said I too feel horrible.

He has blamed me for the lack of cooking.
And him to match the socks. Because work was so stressful and he came home to a non 7 day hot meal on the table.
Lately he hasn't blamed me for anything. He hasn't been angry at all nor has he been mean. He's been good BUT he is having a hard time at work.
We're both Americans.

I believe he needs some sort of therapy. I'm not a doctor but he thinks everyone is out to get him. He is home this weekend and he is fine.

That was my first thought. The picture I sent was a picture from about a year ago. He was making a funny face. He responded with theirs a loser that can't get himself together. Well, right there he said it. When I bring something up about himself, he gets mad. How can someone be like this when his life can be so much worse. He thinks that at age 29 he should have so much more than what he has.
People comment that he has so much more than what they had when they were that age. Yet, will say he doesn't need a 100k income because he is a basic person. He's a very confused individual.