 |
| FAQ/Help |
| Calendar |
| Search |
|
#1
Mar 10, 2015, 02:23 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
I'm feeling like I'm crazy or totally not understanding something that's should be very basic and wonder if it's due to mental issues I must be having but am not aware of. I REALLY NEED TO HEAR THE OPINION OF OTHERS to get some outside perspective to figure out what is the cause of my problem so I can work towards resolution.
HISTORY: I've been in a heterosexual relationship and living with "Dan", for 19 years. (We're not married). Basically our living arrangements have been the following; I bought my house prior to us getting together and he moved in with me, therefore, I have always been the one responsible for overseeing and paying all of the living expenses such as the mortgage, water/garbage, cable, PG&E, Internet service, home phone, property taxes groceries, household items etc. I've always held a steady job that paid decent but I recently retired after 30+ years. So money is a little tighter than it use to be. Dan, has always worked in construction and would have periods in between jobs, but he tries to give me what he can, when he can, (money for bills), which I have always been able to manage the finances under most all circumstances. HERE IS THE ISSUE: Recently, Dan has not been working and has not been able to afford to contribute anything towards the bills for the month of February, which I understand. So just about 2 weeks ago, Dan had me post some of his collectable items on ebay to get some cash.(He had me post since he isn't real computer savvy). So I took the pictures, completed the postings, kept up on bidders questions, packaged and mailed the items. We were able to make approximately $284.00, and this amount is after I deducted what ebay will charge me for their cut of the profits. Well I gave Dan this money after I transferred it from paypal to my bank account and he made no effort to kick down a little to go towards the bills. Which I didn't say anything since I felt a little sorry for him having to part with his collectable items he cherished. But then a week later, Dan bought a lottery scratcher and amazingly won $500. Dan's biggest concern was paying this hired helper he recently hired, (the son of our friends who was in need of work to support his girlfriend and baby). (To explain the "helper" situation- Dan has friend that lives on a few acres of land in rural area and he and this friend raise chickens and goats together just as a hobby and not for any income), so Dan has this kid, (helper), doing little odd jobs like building cages, fences, stacking wood, etc. and Dan goes to this land nearly everyday since he is not working right now. Dan gives this helper a little money here and there, or buys him his cigarettes, and so does the friend that owns the land where they raise these animals. Well when Dan won this $500, he made it very clear it was very important and top priority to immediately give his helper $100. I wasn't given anything. Now this really began to bother me. I know in the past, when Dan lived with his brothers as a roommate, Dan made sure that he helped them out with living expenses and didn't expect either of them to carry all the expenses. As I began to resent feeling like the lowest priority on his list, all the while maintaining a clean house, keeping up on the laundry and billing-paying as well as serving him a decent meal every night, I kept thinking that any day now, he's sure to realized it's only fair to contribute a little something towards his share of the bills. Even $50 would have been appreciated! But since that day never came, I let this situation build up inside of me. This past Friday afternoon when a friend of mine called me and asked me if I wanted to meet her for happy hour I did. I needed to vent to someone. So I left Dan a note telling him that I went to have a drink with this friend and that I had already fed our dogs so they were taken care of, and he not need to worry about them. I ended up staying out until nearly midnight, which has never been an issue in our relationship over the 19 years together. (It has always been ok if Dan wanted to go on a night out with guys and ok if I wanted a night out with the girls) so this wasn't an issue. So the next morning, I woke up about 6:00 am and felt really hungry so I went to a fast food place and got us both a breakfast and came home with it. I ate mine and fell back to sleep. A little later that morning when a phone call woke us both up, Dan ate his food then headed out the door without saying a word to me, which indicated that he was somewhat "mad" at me for something. So by the afternoon and he still wasn't home from wherever yet, the more I thought about him acting mad at me, the more upset over this whole issue of not pulling his weight got to me. So I called Dan's cell and when he answered, I said I was just wondering where you ran off too without saying a word to me this morning. And he said I'm working on a fence and will be heading back into town to get some propane. And I asked "what do you need propane for?" And with an apparent tone he said to burn off the f.......ing fox tails! So I unloaded with; "gee, I'm glad you can afford it." Then it was on! He started yelling at me then hung up on me. He yelled; "I'm not affording anything.f....ing thing .... bla bla bla...click. That got me so upset so I sat down and typed him up a note which said the exact following. This is the honest to goodness exact note, word for word: I'm sorry for snapping at you on the phone. But lately it's been bothering me that I'm such a low priority to you when it comes to helping me out with the bills. Especially knowing my extra added tax bill I just had to pay. I wasn't that bothered when I helped you sell your ebay stuff since you didn't get that much for it. But after you also won $500 and I cashed the ticket for you, I was shocked that your only concern was making sure you paid Fred his $100. I'd been grateful if you would have at least given me $50, but I'm not important to you. This bothers me too because I know whenever you lived with either of your brothers that you made sure you helped them out with living expenses, so why is it any different with me? It cost money to live here too. I don't expect much when I know you haven't been working, but it's pretty hurtful when I help you make nearly $300 on ebay then see you win $500 a week later and you still don't acknowledge me. I know if the situation were reversed you wouldn't be happy about it either. So don't get all pissed at me for having to get this off my chest. In spite of this, I still try to keep the house clean, laundry caught up, meals cooked, but yet I'm still left feeling unappreciated and taken for granted. is that really fair to me? The worst thing about all of this is the fact that I even have to bring this to your attention. I know you have common sense and know what's right and wrong with the treatment of others, but I'm so unimportant, you get all defensive towards me and act like I have no right to be upset or say one word about anything to you. And if I do, it gets all turned around as though I'm the one being unreasonable. Well after I put this note on his dresser where I knew he would find it, I decided to take my dogs for a walk. But before I could leave Dan showed up. Trying to hurry out the door, he started yelling at me the second he stepped foot inside the front door. Still mad for my phone call I made to him he started yelling; I have other responsibilities like or not! I can't believe you calling me up like that. I had money for you last night, but you weren't home......... All I could do to contain myself was tell him that I wasn't going to stand there and allow him to keep yelling at me and I quickly left. This was the exact behavior I was referring to in my note. (The last paragraph of how I'm never allowed to speak my mind and if I do, he turns it around and tries to make everything my fault as though I'm being unreasonable). He just reaffirmed my description of his behavior towards me before he even read the note I left him. So after I returned from walking my dogs, I saw that he was in our bedroom and I was hoping he read my note and would possibly realize the hurtful behavior he's been showing me. So to keep my distance, I went outside and sat in my backyard and cried. Hours later when it started getting dark out, I went inside to fix dinner and feed the dogs. When I went into the living room, I noticed a hundred dollar bill on the coffee table next to the note I gave him with his handwriting at the bottom that said "over" and on the backside of my note was a hand written note from him. This is the exact note he wrote back to me, word for word: I guess that should tell me where I stand. you can have animals, dogs, birds whatever. But I just mention having a dog & you freak. Well don't worry I won't ever have one of my own anymore. But I do have the responsibilities to take care of 2 goats whether you like it or not. And that will happen. Give me a chance. I'll file my taxes as soon as my brother brings my returns. I haven't had a job since whenever. Here's a hundred. I also have gas, insurance, tools and expenses. As soon as possible I will give you some money. If that isn't fast enough throw me out of here. (Seriously) I will find some way to survive. Here's where I NEED ANY & EVERYONE'S HELP. Can someone please tell me; 1. DID I MISS SOMETHING? WHAT KIND OF RESPONSE IS THIS?? 2. DID I AT ANYTIME INDICATE THAT MY ISSUE WITH HIM IS IN REGARDS TO HIM OWNING A DOG, OR GOAT?? 3. DID I AT ANYTIME SOUND LIKE I WAS THREATENING HIM TO THE POINT OF THROWING HIM OUT? 4. IS IT WRONG FOR ME EXPECT HIM TO GIVE ME A LITTLE MONEY FOR BILLS AFTER HE WON $500? Or AT ANYTIME FOR THAT MATTER? 5. DID I SOUND LIKE I'M OUT OF LINE AND HAVE NO RIGHT TO EVER TRY TO COMMUNICATE TO HIM WHEN I'M UPSET OVER ISSUES BETWEEN US? 6. AM I ACTING LIKE A CRAZY PERSON FOR FEELING LIKE I'M TAKEN FOR GRANTED? 7. WAS MY COMMENT OVER THE PHONE REALLY THAT NASTY TO BE SCREAMED OUT? WAS MY NOTE TOO RUDE? HEEEELLLLLP ME! I'M TOTALLY LOST HERE! Can someone please give me your thoughts on this situation. And please by all means, if you see a definite mental issue I'm overlooking, by all means, I need to know. Be brutally honest with me. I need to know if I'm crazy for not seeing it! I really feel like I'm living in a twilight zone! All comments are very much appreciated! |
 sideblinded
|
|
#2
Mar 11, 2015, 03:03 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Wantthings2bbetter, Hello and welcome to PC.
 I can say that there is nothing wrong with wanted to be validated and not taken for granted. That is how all of us feel. I don't think asking for money for bills is wrong. No one deserves to be screamed at. I really can't help you with a mental issue as I am not a mental health professional. Have you considered couples counseling? I really think that you are just trying to do the right things and you can't change someone else's responses but you can change yours. I hope that things settle down for you. I will say that it is a little harder to help when there is so much information and so many questions as I did my best to give you support. I hope this helps you some. If you have any questions about how to navigate this site feel free to contact a community liaison or moderator. Best wishes at home and here on PC. |
|
#3
Mar 11, 2015, 04:18 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
[QUOTE=Wantthings2bbetter;4330224][FONT="Arial"][SIZE="2"]
. Give me a chance. I haven't had a job since whenever. Here's a hundred. I also have gas, insurance, tools and expenses. As soon as possible I will give you some money. If that isn't fast enough throw me out of here. ( -------------- Sounds like the change to retirement along with his being out of work, is stressful!!. Finances are the number one argued about relationship topic, after all. Maybe the money is masking, the romantic needs? Need to be prioritized? He's worried about losing you, it sounded, to me. It's true, men and women do speak different languages at times. He's hearing you different than what you are speaking.  Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk |
|
#4
Mar 11, 2015, 05:21 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
He's going to take care of those 2 goats whether you like it or not.
|
|
#5
Mar 11, 2015, 08:16 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Quote:
|
| sideblinded
|
 sideblinded
|
|
#6
Mar 11, 2015, 08:21 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
[quote=healingme4me;4332313]
Quote:
Quote:
Last edited by Wren_; Mar 11, 2015 at 08:35 PM. Reason: post merge only |
|
#7
Mar 11, 2015, 10:21 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Quote:
Your expectations and requests for consideration and cooperation are completely reasonable. "Dan" is going through a rough time and likely feels emasculated by his inability to contribute his share of your expenses. You hadn't mentioned any goats in your introduction and I found his statement funny. I apologize if repeating it seemed inappropriate. |
| healingme4me
|
|
#8
Mar 12, 2015, 06:43 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
I was thinking along the lines of your receipt of lack of romance. ^^^Emasculated is good word to describe why his behavior is what it is.
You aren't out of line to expect financial assistance from him. Hoping you both reach a better place, together. Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk |
|
#9
Mar 12, 2015, 08:51 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
I think you are not off base expecting him to step up and contribute financially or otherwise. It’s a hard situation and feelings can get hurt on both ends.
Although your note explained your feelings it also put him on the defense right off the get go. He most likely is feeling emasculated due to not being able to contribute financially, but there are other ways to contribute when these hard times come along if you are willing to suggest that. Try keeping in mind what you want in the end when talking to him or leaving a note and aim for that end goal, not just getting things off your chest to make you feel better. Talk to a girlfriend or your mom or sister to ***** and complain about his lack of appreciation and financial support. Then you get it off your chest and can come back to talk more calmly to him. I thought you started off good, by being specific in your apology about snapping at him on the phone. However after that it gets a little obtrusive (this may not be a good word to use here) and puts him on the defense. I hear you saying you not only want financial support from him but you would like for him to show you some appreciation for all the things you do. There’s nothing wrong with that and you deserve both. Does he do anything around the house to help out? What are these goats, a chore he has around the house? Maybe tell him something specific about how you appreciate the things he does around the house, like, I appreciate how you take care of your goats, pick up your dishes, take out the trash, your effort in getting work when you can, the way you make love to me, mention some little things, (really pad his ego so he feels you notice and appreciate the things he does, even in these trying times), then follow up with, you know, I feel we should talk about the finances and find a path forward in getting bills paid with things being tighter right now. I feel stressed out about it and it would make me feel better if we could talk and figure out a plan forward. Ask him his thoughts and plans to provide more financial support, or support in doing more around the house. I don’t know Dan or how he treats you, 19 years is really long, so there has to be something you guys love about each other. Find those things, make sure to thank him for everything or anything he does, even the little stuff, a compliment he gives you. Guys like to feel manly and like to feel they are making you happy. I believe if you show appreciation you will get it in return. Now, again I don’t know Dan, so maybe he isn’t thoughtful, or thankful or doesn’t express it, but that could be another subject to talk about once the finances are discussed. Sorry for the long response – hope something I said helps. Good luck. |
|
#10
Mar 12, 2015, 08:59 AM
|
|||
|
|||
|
I'm going to make my comments and I hope this helps.
I see quite a few posts like yours: One partner works or has a steady income and the other does not. What is often striking is that the person who works or has the steady income is often the same one who does the housekeeping chores, cooks and does laundry. You're paying for companionship. It may not be expressed that way, but that is the bottom line. Your boyfriend threatening to leave (although he couched it in terms of you throwing him out) is controlling the situation. If you don't like how he is running his life, he will leave. Notice he did not offer any other options such as getting a steady job, offering to somehow pay you a specified amount a month towards expenses. I notice that he has a young man working for him -- and he isn't paying him steadily either. I'm all for true love and being sympathetic to other people's circumstances. But love doesn't pay the bills. The two of you need to sit down together and hammer out who is going to pay for what and how regularly. The only "mental issue" I see here is your wanting to avoid confrontation. That is understandable, but I think in this case, a face to face conversation is warranted with your boyfriend. If you are truly afraid to do that, then this problem is bigger than a few hundred dollars. |
| guilloche, Trippin2.0, ~Christina
|
|
#11
Mar 13, 2015, 01:29 AM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Quote:
Anyhow, I have tried the acknowledgement route with him to show him that he's appreciated and it's nice to acknowledged, but that doesn't change anything in getting him to realize anything I do. He's never been one to talk about any problems and automatically goes on the defense. I guess I've learned to put up with it for the most part, but sometimes get really angry dealing with it. But I thank you for your reply. I'm just glad to know that I'm officially crazy, cuz he sure can make me feel like it at times. |
|
#12
Mar 13, 2015, 01:32 AM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Quote:
|
|
#13
Mar 13, 2015, 01:36 AM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Quote:
|
|
#14
Mar 13, 2015, 08:52 AM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Quote:
The way I see it, if you love this man and he loves you, you could still "be together" without living together. That would relieve you of the burdens of financially supporting him and cleaning up after him, and he could run his life anyway he saw fit and see you when it was good for both of you to get together. He's betting on you not doing this. Decide how you want the rest of your life to go, and proceed accordingly. I wish you the very best. |
|
#15
Mar 13, 2015, 11:40 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Forgive me, but 19 years and no ring, no proposal no marriage? I can't help but wonder why. You pay for most things, do all of the household chores and pretty much have to beg for him to share gambling winnings with you. Ugh...I just wonder why you stay and let him treat you this way. I also think you fear confrontation, perhaps childhood issues? Sounds to me like you could do better and spend the remainder of your life being cherished by someone who really loves YOU. He seems to care more about himself than you. NO you are not crazy and you are NOT out of line. Unfortunately, you have taught him how to treat you and it's going to be a long, hard road to re-train him, if that is even possible. Big hug for you and I hope you start to look out better for yourself. You deserve it.
|
| ~Christina
|
|
#16
Mar 13, 2015, 05:03 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Hello
I don't see any mental issue, but a bit of miscommunication here. I think perhaps you may have jumped to conclusions a little bit. You assumed that his not giving you money meant you were not important, but this is not the only explanation. It could be that you've been together for a long time and he thought it would be ok this time to leave it a while - that you would understand. That is, in fact, him taking you for granted, but that's very common in a long-term relationship. You are well within your rights to say that you feel a bit taken for granted, but it's the way you say it. I don't think you acted crazy at all, but your note may have been more effective if you had said although you know he loves you, sometimes you feel a bit taken for granted - better still, it would have been much more effective to explain right when you felt it that you felt hurt he had not offered to pay you and ask to talk about it calmly. But again, feeling uncomfortable with confrontation is pretty normal and not a 'mental issue'. It's just maybe something you could improve upon. As for your boyfriend's overreaction. To me it sounds like he was already feeling really bad about the money thing and it was already on his mind. He jumped to his defense as if he had been expecting to be attacked. He then suggested in his note that you might want him to leave, as if he's expecting that he has let you down so hard that you wouldn't want him anymore. Basically, I think you've both been having arguments in your own minds for a while and those imaginary arguments just bumped into each other. You've been thinking he doesn't care about you, and he's been thinking he's failed you. You've both been trying to read each other's minds but your thoughts have been coloured by your own perceptions of yourselves. Sit down and have a calm chat. Start by telling him you love him and you would never have wanted him to leave. Admit your own flaws first - tell him you think you didn't do a good job this time in communicating an issue that was upsetting you, but that you will make sure to do better in your communication in the future. Then tell him that you want to hear his point of view and you want to understand how he has been feeling because you have picked up on something in his note that suggests maybe he has been feeling bad recently about the money situation. Have an open discussion, is what I'm saying, where you are curious and interested in each other's worries and happy to communicate openly and calmly. |
|
#17
Mar 14, 2015, 05:21 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Another vote that you aren't crazy for expecting him to help out with the bills. I can't believe you did all the eBay work and didn't even get a dime from it. Maybe it's time to list some more of his stuff and just pay him when you're done paying your own expenses...
The only piece of this that's 'yours' is that it has gone on this way for so long - and I can't say that I'm not guilty of doing that same thing. His line about the goats really was hysterical. Yes, he needs to take care of his goats (or sell them? give them away?), but does that really cost $700? |
|
#18
Mar 14, 2015, 10:24 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
This guy is totally leaching off you. He's not going to change. If you can bear the loneliness of being on your own, tell him to move out.
If being alone is more than you can bear, then let him stay. Just know that he will always take more than he gives. No amount of note writing on your part is going to change him. You can't expect any fair treatment from this guy. His values don't include being with a woman on any basis, other than using her for what he can get. He will not change. |
| IceCreamKid
|
| Reply |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
|
My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.
Linear Mode
