[pfireman818]

I have been dating a wonderful young lady for about 9 months. I feel we are truly in love with each other but I am emotionally conflicted with myself about continuing the relationship. I have pasted the point of not being able to end this relationship without scaring my heart considerable but I don't know what I should do.

My emotional conflict comes from the fact that I have discovered she uses marijuana more frequently than I initially thought. I knew fairly early in the relationship she smoked because I could smell it on her breath when we kissed. I asked her about it and we talked about it and I made it very clear that I was the type of person that hated drug use. I work in a job where I see first hand the destructive powers of drug use and have lost loved ones to drug use. Not that I look at marijuana use as a harsh drug but I have seen how letting ones morals accept the use of this drug, lead to other destructive drug use. Also as a parent, a role model to many other people, via it my job or all the youth I have coached in my life, I find it very hard to accept the fact that I'm in a wonderful relationship but something that I so despise, is a part of it.

This past weekend I went on a camping trip with several of her friends that she hangs out with regularly. Her friends even confronted her with the fact that this type of activity would be going on and knowing my job and how I felt, asked if it would be something I wouldn't want to be a part of because it was there trip and they didn't want to curb there indulgence. I really didn't want to go but I felt I needed to go to see my girlfriend in her element. It was very hard on me to see the woman I love, with all my heart, walk off with her friends to get high. The first night they pretty much kept to themselves but I witnessed my love, sit in her car and smoke. I kept my feelings bottled up, as best I could the first night but I didn't sleep well. The next day, we all went out on the boat and for the first time, my girlfriend smoked right in front of me. My heart broke. I pretty much kept to myself the rest of that day until I got my girlfriend alone. At first I just tried to love her and enjoy my time with her, I was going to hold my feelings in until after the trip but I couldn't hold it in any longer. I told her how much I loved her and how seeing her in her car smoking and smoking in front of me on the boat was breaking my heart. I told her I couldn't do this anymore. That what she was doing was breaking my heart. I told her how I didn't really want to come knowing what was going on but I felt it important to myself to see for myself. She said things to me that lead me to believe she would change for me but I never got a total reassurance that she would change. She didn't smoke the rest of that night with her friends but she did smoke one last time the next day before we left.

My conflict with myself now is, will she change, trust in her, and if I should really continue down this path with her? I'm sick to my stomach over it. I know shes loves me but she told me she has smoked marijuana since she was 18 and that she smoked it almost every day which I never knew. In our conversation, she told me she would be stupid to continue to smoke and jeopardize losing me. She told me that losing me wasn't worth continuing the marijuana use. I also told her that even though I knew we loved each other as much as we do, maybe I wasn't the right guy for her. Maybe I needed to just step away because asking her to give up something that she felt was important to me later, would only make her hate me and resent me. As much as I love this woman, all I have asked of her at this point, was to tell me there could be a light at the end of tunnel, that this wouldn't be a part of her life forever and if she seen any type of life with me she she would end this drug use now. She seems to want to give me that reassurance but I also know that her friends are a big part of her life and there users so I can't really see her giving it up totally. I see her hiding it from me at first but she will eventually slip up. My initial confronting of her in the beginning was very defensive. Everything was an accuse, as to why she did it. Everything someone with an addiction would say but I never knew it was an everyday thing.

I'm sick to my stomach just writing this. I feel like I need to be with her all the time to make sure she's not smoking. It's like I want to catch her. My mind won't relax. Never before have I had trust issues with her but now I can't see how I won't because she will do things with these same friends without me at some point and my fears will eat at me as they are now.

One part of me wants to just end this now but we both love each other very much. This might be the first time in my life I have truly been happy and felt love for someone that loved me the same in return but I know I can't continue living like this, it's eating at me everyday and it's only been three days since confronting her.

Very Conflicted!!!!!!!!!!!

[healingme4me]

I liken it to alcohol in a way. It is conflicting, because it's not as though we're discussing heavy narcotics, at the same time, it's altering. Can't drive or operate heavy equipment under the influence.
I do hear what you are saying about trust and fear of resentment and how it's really been her way of life. I don't have any easy solutions nor panaceas. Just knowing support.

[pfireman818]

Thanks, it's tough. I'm just not a drug type guy, never have been. I've seen too much destruction. I love this woman and am as happy as I have ever been but this is very hard for me. How do I look at my kids after telling them whats been wrong and expect them to do right when I condone this with my girlfriend? She has kids as well and would never do it in front of them or would never wish them to start either but yet she does this.

Would I think differently if it was legalized??? Maybe, but I still would never want someone I care and love with all my heart hurting there health and future time together.

[divine1966]

That would be total deal breaker for me. I left an alcoholic and will never be with one again. Pot is even worse as I assume it is illegal where you are at. Deal breAker for me

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[healingme4me]

Found this, thought it might help. As there's not much out there for literature on the topic.

http://sharedheart.org/pages/marijua...lationship.htm

[PianogirlPlays]

You can't change someone's addiction. She probably can't change it either without some real help. You think it is bad now but this without some drastic steps to get into a program or something will only get worse. It will probably end in resentment . Addicts are addicts...

[iwonderaboutstuff]

If she's a daily smoker, she doesn't need to be around her friends to partake.

It's a *habit,* not a physical addition like with an alcoholic or an addict. It's easy to quit if you choose to, doesn't matter how many years you've been smoking. I know what I'm taking about here, my drug experiences are varied. I'm a long time smoker, one who quit 3x for extended periods, for specific reasons (2 pregnancies, a job), no problem. The first few days are hard, I was a little cranky, but once past that, didn't even think about it.

The question, really, in gauging whether or not she'll quit is how come she smokes? Boredom, stress relief, a type of self-medicating?

"She told me that losing me wasn't worth continuing the marijuana use."
My advice - Give her the benefit of the doubt, tell her you want to believe that is true, not being a smoker you don't understand the appeal or what it will be like to stop and you're concerned that instead of really quitting she'll hide it from you. See what happens. Trust she's telling the truth unless there is clear evidence to the contrary.

[divine1966]

My alcoholic ex also told me that losing me wasn't worth drinking yet every time he tried to quit he relapsed. He never truly got the help.

And everybody is different. Saying it easy to quit because someone else did is unfair. For some it's habit for some life style for some true addiction. We aren't inside the persons head. If this is not something you can accept you have to move on. Suggesting you will control her is pointless. You won't. And saying oh it is easy to quit is a bit ridiculous. We aren't her

I suggest you go to few Alanon meetings for now

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[healingme4me]

I believe there are studies showing that there is physical addiction to marijuana. I believe there's direct info to that study in Colorado's own Drug Free campaign. I've read of that before. It is known to affect mood, days after. Might not be a similar physical withdrawal as other substances out there, yet, to say it's not addictive is a fallacy.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I believe there are studies showing that there is physical addiction to marijuana. I believe there's direct info to that study in Colorado's own Drug Free campaign. I've read of that before. It is known to affect mood, days after. Might not be a similar physical withdrawal as other substances out there, yet, to say it's not addictive is a fallacy.

Often the ones who smoke themselves claim its not addictive as to down play it. It could be addictive and it could damaging in many aspects. I know alcoholics who claim they just like to drink all the time and aren't addicted. Yeah ok

Even if she isn't addicted, her life style seems to be bothersome for you.

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[iwonderaboutstuff]

I can appreciate your points of view.

Yes, it may not be "easy" for her. As mentioned, her reason for using in the first place is a contributing factor and affects the ease of quitting, as does her reason for quitting. When “you choose,” really choose to quit, giving up pot is relatively easy and I stand by that statement. Yes, it affects your mood for days and there is a withdrawal period, but it’s a short one.

My statement that it’s relatively easy is not based simply on my own experiences. It is also based on working with people in drug treatment programs, some of whom were there voluntarily and some that were not; various drugs, various combinations of substances, various motivations. Pot all by itself, even under protest – it doesn’t get easier than that.

My response was based on pot use only, as he did not mention other drugs or alcohol concerns. If he had, my response would have been quite different. Also, she has yet to quit; let’s not lose sight of that. Given his reservations, doubt and forming distrust, maybe he should just get out now. Idk, that’s for him to decide. What’s love got to do with anything anyway lol

@healingme4me I am pretty familiar with pot research and its effect on the brain. If you’re interested in research, the current cross-generational studies with mice are quite fascinating as far as they’ve gone.

@divine1966 living with an alcoholic is very difficult. I know this one all to well. The day I realized I would never, ever be 1st, 2nd to a thing, it was an epiphany. Wouldn’t wish that experience on anyone. And I agree it's important to accept people as they are.

[healingme4me]

Thanks iwonderaboutstuff. I'm sure I can find the research. Between having MS, where pot is that drug everyone talks up in the medicinal or not benefits and knowing a good deal of pot smokers, I'm well educated on it.

I know of someone in an unhappy marriage who is afraid to leave because their pot smoking could be used against them or afraid it could be.
Epiphany is an understatement about choosing to not be second fiddle to alcohol nor weed.

It is for the OP to decide if this is what he wants in his future.

[pfireman818]

Thanks to everyone for your posting, it has been helpful. I love my girlfriend very much but her use only eats at me on the inside. I am willing to be patient with her and give her the benefit of the doubt as to wanting to and being able to quit.
We are very open with one another, other than her hiding her smoking from me. I don't expect her to quit cold turkey and if I confront her about the smoking she won't lie to me about it. She even told me that she smoked again the other day after I left for the day and it made her cry. I really believe she wants to quit because she knows I'm unhappy about it but I also have to understand that it is an addiction. I have to believe in her heart she would choose me over this. She says she smokes as a stress relief. I tried to explain there are a lot of ways to relieve stress but I feel that was just a defensive, justification remark.
I'm very conflicted but it comes from my love for her and the happiness she brings to my life but her habit is going to drive me away at some point because at some point I will have to move on if she can't stop. It makes me feel very helpless and depressed knowing that she does this.
I don't look at it as asking her to change the person she is but merely trying to be a better person to herself and I have told her that. I even poised this hypothetical to her. If she had met me and I was a Heroine user would she not want and ask me to change to be a better person???? Now, I'm not comparing her addiction to heroine, god knows that is a much more destructive drug but I merely wanted to put her in my shoes and see how I felt.
It is very hard but I am a great guy and I have a lot to offer the right woman, I would love for it to be this woman but time will tell. She will be going out with her user girlfriend tonight and I plan to tell her to be a good girl for me this evening just to reiterate I'm thinking of her and her issue. I'm on duty so the trust issue is hard but I have to let her work this out some herself.

[divine1966]

You can't tell people to be "good for you". You can't control the other person.

Something either need to be accepted as it is or people move on.

Sure some quit but entering relationship hoping someone will quit whatever they were doing prior to you is a bit naive. It's her life style. All her friends are users. I assume she has the kind of job where they don't do drug tests etc

You are already helpless and depressed and you two just met! You should be happy and content and full of excitement. If you are depressed now that early on imagine how it's going to get?

Are you planning on having kids one day? Marry?

Love isn't enough

And to use your heroin example. One meets heroin user and smart choice is NOT to enter relationship with them rather than start relationship and hope/ask them to quit. It never works this way

Again read Alanon literature and go to few meetings please

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[Lexi232]

[iwonderaboutstuff]

Originally Posted by pfireman818

She says she smokes as a stress relief. I tried to explain there are a lot of ways to relieve stress but I feel that was just a defensive, justification remark.

People who are successful replace bad behaviors with good ones. That is a legit point. Quitting without something else to fulfill that need generally doesn't work.

Exercise is a great stress reliever and it's an outlet I've seen work for others. As the most general statement people who workout regularly tend to have more respect for their bodies. Is physical activity part of your life together? Of course, there are many other outlets as well... general encouragement to try new things is good.

As a parent, you know any successful long-term relationship isn't just about you. I think it's great you are willing to give the women you love a chance to walk the talk. That said, given your strong feelings about this issue, if you don't see meaningful change in a reasonable amount of time, a serious re-evaluation will be in order.

[iwonderaboutstuff]

and I would add, for those in substance abuse programs, there is a saying "people, places and things." Basically, it boils down to identifying and avoiding your triggers.

[healingme4me]

I personally feel that mj is that one substance that is conflicting to look at as having a real affect on people the way that alcohol or other narcotics does. Between the medicinal talks and research and the states discussions on legalizing it, some have, some decriminalized, it's a complicated substance to address as far as using the 'addiction' label.
You aren't alone in this internal strife, but if nothing changes, nothing changes.
I read recently that after five years in recovery, relapse is unlikely.

It's not very relaxing when mapping out the next high in ones head when the previous high wore off.

Quitting is a choice and commitment.

[Ruftin]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central pfireman!!! It's nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Yours is welcome as well.

Please feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator by left clicking on their name in blue to the left of their post if you need help navigating the forums. It will take some time for your first five posts to appear as they are being evaluated and then you will be able to join chats.

I'm sorry for your struggles. It is illegal!!!!! If your gut instinct tells you this is not what you want for yourself then I think you already know what you need to do. Look ahead a few years and you'll see it's going to be a struggle between her and her drug and you. The drug usually wins without some type of professional help and then in some cases it wins in spite of said help. She doesn't sound like she wants to change. You'll find we have a safe and supportive community. I'm glad you've joined us.

I look forward to seeing you around!!!

[pfireman818]

Great posts and everyone is extremely helpful and I read and consider everyone's advice. Little update for everyone, my girlfriend and I have been together for about 10 months. Best loving relationship I've ever been in because both of us love each other equally and deeply care about each other. My girl friend and I are honestly very open with one another and we had dinner this past weekend and openly talked about my conflicts with her use. We talked for a good hour and I believe true progress was made in her understanding of how I feel and what must happen if we are to continue as a couple. I talked in length about her defensive stance when trying to justify her use and the health risks involved that she wants to talk away. I truly believe she wants to quit and I told her I would support her anyway I can.
There won't be any children in the future, were both divorced individuals with children from previous marriages. I'm older and I have a son in college and a daughter who is Soph in HS. Hers are still in middle school. Were both athletic individuals and do a lot of athletic things together. She runs a lot and is actually training for a full marathon and teaches PIYO and other arobic classes. My job requires that I be in great shape.
I think the biggest thing in our relationship is that we are so different than one another and that is what makes us fit so well. We bring each other out of our comfort zones with one another. She's more the hippie type and I'm the more structured, grounded person. Relationship wise were so perfect and happy, its just this mj use that is driving a stake through things. I'm willing to continue to try but will definitely start to stabilize my feelings and hold back some until I see some signs of improvement. Kind of like,"hope for the best but be prepared for the worse," type feeling.

[iwonderaboutstuff]

A loving relationship, with great communication bodes well Once she gets past that initial week, and the physical withdrawal, it'll get easier. There's something to be said for a plan. You know... quit when you've got fully scheduled days already coming to limit the hours needed to self manage the initial pangs; have something to stick in your mouth like gum, tic tacs, jolly ranchers, etc; have BF on tap for fun distracting.

Sending good vibes your way~~~

[pfireman818]

Well, it's been about three weeks and my girlfriend has done so very good. She hasn't smoked marijuana once. I think she has realized that there are more important things in life and how much I care about her and can't continue a relationship with her unless she betters herself.

She came to me yesterday and told me how she was faced with the possibility of smoking again after such a long time and she made the right choice for herself and because of how much I mean to her. I was so proud of her.

I told her that now she see's how she was being controlled by something she felt she needed everyday but she really didn't because she's went so long now. Still a long way to go but there is promise for us. I truly love this woman with all my heart and I see myself with her for the rest of my life. After being in a loveless marriage for 7 years, it is good to find true love again. My heart hopes she can stay the course but I think she has made a huge step in the right direction. I'm sure there may be a lapse coming because she still has to get through her biggest hurdle and that's her friends night but she is doing well.

I'm glad things are going well! xo

[Sesiley]

Originally Posted by pfireman818

Well, it's been about three weeks and my girlfriend has done so very good. She hasn't smoked marijuana once. I think she has realized that there are more important things in life and how much I care about her and can't continue a relationship with her unless she betters herself.

She came to me yesterday and told me how she was faced with the possibility of smoking again after such a long time and she made the right choice for herself and because of how much I mean to her. I was so proud of her.

I told her that now she see's how she was being controlled by something she felt she needed everyday but she really didn't because she's went so long now. Still a long way to go but there is promise for us. I truly love this woman with all my heart and I see myself with her for the rest of my life. After being in a loveless marriage for 7 years, it is good to find true love again. My heart hopes she can stay the course but I think she has made a huge step in the right direction. I'm sure there may be a lapse coming because she still has to get through her biggest hurdle and that's her friends night but she is doing well.

Addiction is a huge possibility. In that case, it's a brain disease. There is no cure, but it can be managed. Going to NA may help her. Working the steps too. You could go to an alanon meeting where others are there who have loved ones with addiction. Hey, there's a start.

Just listen to what I have to say, trust me...

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[aspark2895]

Smoking marijuana isnt the worst thing for her. I know that it can be very easy to become dependent on it. However, I know that it isnt the worst thing you could do. I cant help with the anxiety that people face everyday. I don't mean to blow it off, but it really shouldnt be such a deal breaker for you. If you truly love her, you would accept that, no matter how hard it may be. I understand being a parent and not wanting your children to smoke. If you really want this to work you have to sit down and tell her how you feel, but that you do love her, but you dont want her doing this around your children. It can be extremely difficult but sometimes if you love someone you have to let their bad habits go. It sounds like you are crazy over her, dont let this ruin it for you.