My boyfriend is a runner

I agree that the gig thing is something you focus your fears and negative inklings about the relationship upon (if the gigs were gone I think you would find something else to focus on).

But the gigs I think ARE still a problem. They DO put your relationship on hold. He IS having and seeking inappropriate relationships. You have every reason to feel you are being direspected. You have been made unwelcome. You have every reason to feel threatened. He IS going beyond the boundaries that were agreed upon.

Not just are you feeling forgotten, not only are you feeling frustrated, but a big part of your feeling threatened is that you are being excluded from all aspects of these activities - especially the social.

I think this might be the way to approach working on this. Finding a way to be involved - especially the social aspect. How do you feel about insisting you tag along to those social activities that happen outside of the gigs themselves? How comfortable do you feel just showing up? This might be a way to signal to your BF that you are interested and perhaps willing to accomodate his passion. Are there otherways yu might be able to participate?

Without knowing his history, I will simply address how to handle things when he does pull away. When he does this, how do you respond? Do you chase after him and try to pin him down? When he pulls away, it is best for you to simply let him be alone. Don't pull away yourself, stay anchored, but don't call, email, text at all. Let him reach out to you. When he does, you do not react in anger or criticize, you simply listen. While he is in pull back mode, you are doing other things to take the focus of the relationship for yourself. Go out and do things, work on projects you've let slide, anything that makes you feel better during this time.

If you can do this at least a few times, it can get better and happen less often at least. It will demonstrate a couple of things to him -- a) that you love him and are willing to work with him when he's stressed b) that you are making an effort to control your anger so that he feels less threatened by having to talk to you about things he thinks you will be upset about and c) that you are willing to let him go and not cling to him. That is actually a silent message. "Ok, you can do this if you want to, but I am living my life without you until you come out again. (and if you keep doing this, one of these times, I won't be here when you do come out).

That is not to say that you shouldn't let him know how this makes you feel, but do it in a way that is about being supportive and caring for the relationship. "You know, M, I understand that this (argument, situation) has upset you and you needed time to think, however, it is hurtful to me and it doesn't allow us to stay connected. I realize that I can be difficult sometimes and I'd like it if we could work together during rough periods a little bit more to help keep our relationship solid". And, then let him talk.

You guys are so awesome. I have never gotten through to the bottom of a problem like this before.
Also the difference between passion and obsession - lots of these things are just a feeling that I have but it hasn't been so clear to me before.
I have intentionally tried to be involved - went to his gigs, small talked with his friends and so on. Usually I get along with people very quickly and I am not shy ore anything. Also I know that he wants me there, but there were a few unpleasant situations when I felt let down in public by him so I don't really dare to go to these events anymore. I felt excluded somehow and it is humiliating to be hurting in front of the party people.
He often says that none of his friends are in relationships and that being a dj makes it almost impossible, but he really wants me. I love him too and appreciate the person that he is, so I am really trying to find a way to avoid a breakup. But it is actually quite clear that he cannot give me what I need right now.
The job interview went well though, despite the emotional chicken wire around the heart.
Thanks again. Your responses mean a lot <3

Glad about the interview! Good luck with getting a job and keep us posted

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Thank you!
So I talked about the situation in therapy and got asked what held me and him together, so that I can see if I find a way of getting it somewhere else. That really got me thinking. The music issue seems to be too "heavy" for me, in German we have a word for putting too much on your plate which translates to "overloading". So I have talked to my boyfriend and he said that he feels like he is dependant of me. He is scared of being cheated on and jealous without reason, and that tortures him (I am the most faithful person I know, and he knows he has nothing to fear from me). So I told him that we had to find a solution, whether together or separate, so we can both get better.
The job interview turned out fine, I am starting to teach next wednesday. Yay!
How is everybody else doing?
Hugs from Germany

Oh you are in Germany! I have travelled there. Beautiful country. I assumed you are in the U.S. Judging by your perfect English. Good luck with your new job and working on other things!

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I guess these are the benefits of watching too many american tv shows online

Hey folks - thought I might update this thread... you guys helped me a lot when things were so difficult with BF.
Well, after all that happened I finally had the strength to break up with him. I explained why, and I told him that I didn't want to fight anymore and so on. He knows all the reasons.
Now it has been almost 5 weeks since the breakup, but in all this time he refused to leave me alone. He called me, texted me or came by to see me constantly. I told him that I wanted him to respect my space, but he didn't. I told him over and over again and then blocked him completely on my phone.
It has been quiet now for 3 days. I feel so exhausted. One the one hand, I miss him and have all these feelings for him that will just not go away, but on the other hand I am so completely hurt and devastated.
Do you know any help on how to get along with all these feelings? I could really need some comfort right now. Things have been so incredibly hard

This is typical. He took you for granted and now that you've put your foot down and left, he is realizing what he has lost and is now desperate to keep your relationship alive.

But be fair warned, if he didn't give a damn back then, why would he give a damn in the future if you two go back together.

I can relate to this. When I lost my wife back in March of this year, it was a shock. I carried all these feelings for her, which I still do today. Since there was not the growing-apart or falling out of love period most divorced people feel, I went from happy romance to WHAM!!... all alone in the world, in love with a ghost. All I have now are memories with no hope of getting her back.

Emotional baggage sucks, but it's what we collect as we go through our lives, whether we want to or not.

Aside from professional help, I can only suggest in trying to keep yourself busy. I've found that not giving yourself a chance to sit and think about the past helps to some degree, but you will always have your moments.

Things I can suggest you DO NOT do:

- Escapism that is harmful to you. Alcohol, drugs for example.
- Online dating sites. They are mostly a waste of time and end up being soul crushing experiences that strip away what little self esteem you have left.
- Running back to him. The more you go running back, the more he will take you for granted, which will make things worse in the long run.

Things I found helpful:

- Hitting the gym. Aside from allowing you to work out your aggravation on a punching bag or lifting weights, it helps get you in shape which is a big boost to your self esteem.
- Computer games & movies. They take your mind off things for a while and you can be someone else for a short time. Granted you have to be careful and not turn this into an obsession, which can easily happen with online games, but as a gamer from the 70's this is a part of my life which helped keep me distracted when my world turned into a $hit Sunday when my wife died.
- Friends, family and social groups. Getting involved with others helps, mostly as we are hard-wired to be social creatures. It also builds up your support network, if you need help with future moments of crisis.

I second the gaming part. I'm an avid gamer who games at least 20 hours a week. If I didn't game, I would have likely done something to ease my pain that would end me up in either jail or 6 feet under. Not to mention, when it comes to online gaming, if you're decent at the game, it can be a real self esteem booster.

Regardless, I wish you well on this.

I liked your title "My boyfriend is a runner." I have a suspicion your anger is justified. However, your response has to always treat him with dignity and respect. You can tell him "I feel ... when you don't tell me things, or when you say things that aren't true." You can say "I feel frustrated when you don't answer me." After that you have to make a decision based on the information you have. You deserve to treat yourself gently, to not have to go to an extreme to make your relationship work. Sometimes, you can walk away to save yourself, and still love someone. This is advice I am giving myself for my next relationship.

Sorry you are struggling. My ex wouldn't leave me alone for almost a year. He only stopped after I've met someone else.

My t suggested to stay busy exercise go out with friends watch funny movies read. And don't date anyone for a yeAr

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This guy wants everything his way. So, if you get upset, he tells you wharever is required to pacify you - like making a deal to limit gigs. Then he goes and does just what he wants. He wishes you didn't get upset because it annoys him. But he'll put up with the repeated upsets to be able to do as likes.

I'm sorry Owl. He's not going to change. Basically, he's telling you: "This is how I'm going to be. Take it or leave it." I'm afraid those are your two choices.

Yep, I have made my choice. Based on all the evidence and all the "I feel like,... I wish...., "-conversations that I had with him, I felt a little relieved after the breakup and was very hopeful for about two weeks. I did new things, caught up with friends and learned to knit mittens - my version of a hobby-drug. But his constant showing up or calling from private numbers has crushed me somehow. I have a lot of stress at work and university and my energy is just not there. Everything is hard and my vision is black, I just broke down completely after he texted me that I was being "a dragon" and that he hates me. He apologized later, but still since then I feel like somthing inside me broke and I don't know how to repair it. (My group therapy isn't working for me btw - even though I am in professional hands, that doesn't make it easier)
I hope you all are doing better than I am at the moment!

Curry - how funny you wrote that. This is exactly what I tried to do and also told him so. I tried to talk about everything quietly for a long time, but somehow we got into a lot of really bad fights nevertheless. And I wanted this to end. I have never screamed at someone before, and I wanted to treat and be treated with love and respect. Think I am done with dating for now. Yoga and books it is for me.

Hugs to you littleowl2006. I know that feeling when something in you breaks. My soon to be ex sat in the car with me and said if I saw his work visa then I might want to shoot myself. Today I am telling myself that a lot of this drama is on him, his anger, his cheating, his never being present, his stories of our relationship verses his actions that say something else. I loved him, I was committed, and us not working is on him. I have shut the door in my heart to him. I still talk to him - he is over everyday for our kids. I wish him well and I act like it. I still love him and I believe he loves me, he is just not allowed to come in. Keep talking to us, it is nice to hear what a sweet loving person you are.

I'm sorry, Owl. This is going to feel real bad for awhile. It's clear you care deeply for this guy. He may even care somewhat for you, but he will be with you only on his terms and his terms only. He would be this way toward any woman in his life. It's not that you lack anything.

He will be content, for now, to get female attention where and when he can. Itinerant musicians, like him, accept having nothing more than casual sex here and there, unless they find some devoted soul like you whom they can talk into accepting an impossible situation.

If I remember right, you've even been helping him financially. That was helping him sustain this life style of his. So you're the dragon now. You won't continue making all the sacrifices, while he makes none. Now he gets to see how life is when he has to lose something to keep this band thing going. So, of course, he's mad. He wants to have his cake and eat it to. Nobody gets it that way perpetually. He's selfish and immature. This is who he is. Even if he didn't have the band thing, he'ld be a selfish guy to build a life with.

Someday the music thing will bottom out and reality will set in. He will pay for the unrealistic choices he is making. We all pay for our choices. He will too. On the other hand, you are making a difficult, but realistic, choice. Difficult because it hurts. Eventually, our lives are improved by making tough choices. Unlike him, you are letting go of a dream, which is hard - very hard.

I knew a guy who did the band thing. But he maintained regular employment as well. So, financially, he was okay. He lost his marriage though. Guys like this seek, rather than give, attention. There is not the balance it takes to nurture another.

You don't have to be permanently broken over this. You are doing the hard work of making an adult decision. It sucks, but that's what being mature requires sometime. Don't tell yourself, "I shouldn't have had to go through this heartbreak. I should have got to keep my dream of a life with this guy." Say that to yourself, and you'll be thinking like him - insisting you should get what you want. You're better than that. When something isn't what we want it to be, we have to move on. This ex of yours didn't victimize you. He was what he was - and is. Maybe he can't be anything else. He probably can't. He's not withholding from you what you need. He doesn't have it to give. If a well is dry, you stop throwing down the bucket. There's other wells.

Give yourself time to recover. If you didn't really care for this man, it would be so easy now. It isn't easy. You did care. And you stayed in it too long because you thought things could change - that he would value the relationship enough to change. The lesson is that people are who they are. They usually show us who that is, early in the game. We need to take it seriously - what they show us . . . not what they tell us.

- This is the lesson I have been able to learn here I think. Thank you so much for your kind words

There was a slight misunderstanding though, Rose76, I never supported him financially. He is like the man you described - he works, studies, has his projects and is now single.

I find it so hard sometimes to be hurt and angry and heartbroken without blaming the other person, describing my side to other people and not making a "monster" of him. I am so glad you guys understand!

My mistake. In a way, if he's working, then he has even less time and energy for you. He, basically, was spread too thin. I'm wondering how old he is. It can be normal for a guy to go through a phase like this in his early twenties. If he's over 30, then it's a way of being.

It would be easier for you, if he was a monster. He's not. He's just not the guy you wanted him to be. That can be heartbreakingly disappointing. Then we have to remind ourselves that it's no one's job to be who we want them to be. Until after marriage, IMHO. The marriage commitment involves considering the impact on the other person of every decision. So that's what pre-marital relationships are for. They are to save us from disastrous marriages.

He is 28, and I'm sure this is a phase. Maybe. I just wonder if I will ever meet a guy who isn't in a weird phase of his life and ready for a healthy relationship

- He came by again today and broke down completely. He says he can't eat nor sleep, and that he can hardly go to work anymore. I talked a little to him and made him some nerve tea and eat sth because I was concerned that he might walk in front of a car or do something horrible, and after a while sent him away. I am worried now, because I still blocked him and told him to go. He is seeing a therapist on monday and I hope he stays safe. It feels awful not to be able to help him and to "shut the door", as Curry put it. To love somebody can be so painful.

Yes, it sure can. Trust me . . . I know. Your main job is to take care of you. Your ex is pretty good at looking out for his own interests. He found you, didn't he? He had a great little set-up for himself, where he got to pursue whatever he wanted, and you stayed on ice, available to him when he had the time to bother with you. Maybe his life isn't going to be as "safe" without you, as it was with you. He had a great deal with you. Sure he misses it. But what was the deal you had? You're not in this world just to sacrifice yourself on an altar built to worship someone else's ambitions. He wants a woman who'll give him all the devotion of a wife, but to whom he does not have to give much back.

If this is just a phase of his, then tell him to give you a call when he gets passed his phase. My guess is this guy will be running around doing "gigs" when he's 40 years old. It's nice to have someone to love and to help. It's also nice to be loved and helped and considered in return.

How many years did you spend with this guy? You sure can't meet a guy ready for a healthy relationship when you're all tied up with one who isn't. One of the dumbest things young women do (and I did it too.) is to let men waste their time. Getting what you want in life requires being a little hard-headed.

This guy is driving a hard bargain. As much as you meant to him, he is ready to go through all this misery, rather than realize that he can't have it all. But you are the mean one who won't let him. No thought to what you want. If you settle for what someone will let you have, then all you will ever have is what it costs them nothing to give you. This guy chose you because you were easy to take advantage of.

He's pursuing what he wants in life. That's his right. Try doing that for yourself. There's millions of other guys out there. You have only one life.

My ex is in a very bad shape too..... a year after I left. It's tough to think he is struggling but you got to live your own life

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This has always been hard for me, to live my own life and not take care of everyone else, I have been doing this since childhood. Somehow I always felt worried about everyone and felt I had no right to be selfish. (while I was often called selfish by my family). Thanks for reminding me of that. The world is somewhat "open" again now and I feel like I can do whatever I want and go wherever I want. I will try to enjoy a little freedom and do new things and meet new people. - Clichee: I already got the post-breakup-haircut. Yay!
I hope you guys have a wonderful and relaxed weekend. Lots of love

There is nothing selfish about taking care of yourself and living life how you want. What's selfish is expecting other people to live life how you want.

With that being said, I hope you have a great weekend!