My boyfriend is a runner

When you are the caretaking type, you tend to attract men who are looking for caretaking. (I should know.) Guys can spot that from 10 miles away.

There are men who are good catches out there. It's the woman who won't be suckers who tend to scoop them up.

Ugh, yes I know what you are saying. I saw the warning signs with him when it comes to the caretaking, and yet I tried to keep up my boundaries and make the relationship work on a normal level. I was very consequent about not neglecting my own stuff, like going to my yoga classes, seeing my friends, and so on. When that became stressful because he got jealous, I remember that I often told him that maybe we wanted too different things in life, and that I didn't want to change him, but that things weren't working out for me. But whenever we had this conversation he would start fighting really hard and told me that he would never let me go. I realize NOW how crazy this was. Now that he still refuses to let me go and shows up all the time, and I see how much energy this costs me and how painful it is, it makes me sad to think that I sort of have let him hold me prisoner for a while because I was too afraid of the breakup.

Each of you had hopes of changing the other. His hopes were more realistic, as you - being the giving type - were more adaptable. You were meeting his needs. Of course, he'll cling to that. If emotional blackmail will work, that's what he'll use. (Don't leave me or I'll die.)

Imagine trying to have a family with him. He'll always want to come first.

Then I guess where I live here, ALL the women are suckers.

That wasn't a happy moment - when I tried to imagine us having kids and I just couldn't picture it.

Ripperjack, I think I have forgotten to mention earlier how sorry I am for your loss!
What do you mean with all the women being suckers?

I'm not following you. Are you saying that all the woman where you live are in relationships with men who are not good catches? All of them?

Or are you a good catch who is waiting to be scooped up?

Oh man, the pain is bad. It is always underneath, and when I am not busy it knocks me down. I miss him. I miss all of his good sides, his generosity, his smell, his hair, how he made me breakfast, all the small and big things that were good about us and were the reasons for me to be with him. I am so sad.
When we first got to know each other, we talked a lot. I miss talking to him. When I graduated from university the faculty messed up the invitations and I missed the celebration, so he surprised me with a little private grad party in the park. He wanted us to work and so did I.
I needed to express this somewhere, hope you peeps aren't feed up with my complaining or anything
love

Please keep posting. You aren't alone. You don't have to forget good things. They'll always stay in your heart. And bad things will teach you lessons about what you need to avoid in the future.

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I ran head first over the cliff when the unsuitable guy came to fetch me back home from university. I didn't go around asking for advice and thinking clearly about the sensible parameters. I had so much fire and passion when I was young I felt I could take on the universe or an idiot fiancé. You are just fine the way you are. What ever you decide or do, you sound like a wonderful person. Do you have some family, a grandma or a Mom that lets you know you deserve a wonderful life? I would go and get a hug from them. If not, we will send you lots of hugs. I would give a broken heart at least three years of talking about it. Councillors can be good to talk to too. I have learnt my upcoming divorce follows a lot of predictable patterns of emotion and that I have always been missing enough love and support in my life.

vI'm sure it is bad, owl. You had real intimacy with this man, imperfect though it was, and now that's gone. That's a huge loss.

In our grandmothers' or great-grandmothers' day, a woman didn't become intimate with a man, until a period of courtship allowed her to see how suitable he was on other fronts. There was a lot of emotional protection in that system for a woman. Now that we're all liberated we jump into physical and emotional intimacy rather quickly, and, then, we start really evaluating the guys character and maturity. (I know all about how well that works, or doesn't.) I don't think we have a lot of choice to do otherwise. It's not like modern young men are going to patiently come around for a year with flowers and candy, while they establish to our families and ourselves that they have honorable intentions and will put our welfare first and foremost. So we're emotionally hooked on a guy before we even figure out if this is a guy our future is safe with.

But plenty of women don't get sucked into bad relationships. So we need to look at what's going on with those of us who do. (I did, too . . . and never completely got out of such a relationship, so I know the longterm cost, which is beyond what I figured in my younger days.) These men who tend to drain the women they are with give signs of that early on. Some of us don't heed those signs, which we need to look at in ourselves. We believe they'll change . . . that love conquers all . . . that fate meant us to be together . . . that: "Well, I'm not perfect either, and he puts up with me." . . . that "he deserves happiness and what he gets frm me, after all life has put him through." We are idealistic and we want life to be just, so we are going to make sure that some man gets what he does really need, figuring that somehow that will set up Karma or something to make sure we are okay. We think that if we give our devotion to someone, then how can he fail to give back some of the same? None of these thoughts running through our head have anything to do with how life actually works. We're idealists. We've got big notions about how life should work. And we're going to do our part to make life that way. We'll give others that we are fond of what we want them to have, without considering whether they are really doing what it takes to have what they want and, legitimately, need. We refuse to be hard-headed and hard-butted about pursuing our own interests because, somehow, we think that's not okay. So we end up with a child-man, while our saavy sisters look at us and say, "Better you than me." and they dump guys who waste their time and move on. Ever notice how the tough women end up with the good guys? They won't put up with what we will.

I am 32 years into a relationship with a guy whom no sensible wonan would have touched with a ten foot pole. His ex-wife used to say to me, "A cross off of my shoulder and on to yours." So I speak from experience. There was a window of opportunity, early in the relationship, when I had the sense to know I should get out . . . and I had the strength. But I decided to stay with it for awhile longer, as a favor to him. He needed a date for a special social occasion, and I couldn't see not doing him that favor. You see - always worrying about him having a need that I could fulfill - and why not, since I'm a big enough person to do a guy a favor?

Well, it never stops. Three decades later, I'm still looking after him . . . and I'm not even still living with him. They say you can't put an old head on young shoulders. Nobody could tell me back then. If only I could go back and tell the girl I was, "Don't waste yourself on this man." But I was 31 y. o. and was afraid life would never give me another chance for closeness. And he was so endearing on his good days. I sure know how that can be. I just could never fall completely out of love with him.

You're only 26? Life will give you other opportunities. But you won't know about them, if you're tied up with him. You can have him back, and there would be more joyful moments here and there. But the longterm cost is beyond what you have any idea.

That's the full fruit of my experience for what it's worth. You're saying to yourself, "Am I being fair to him?" and "Why can't he just be fair to me?" He is all he knows how to be. He can't be to you other than what he has been. Making sure you get a fair deal in life is your responsibility and nobody else's and not his. I guess I've gone on enough. Take care of you. Decide you won't give so very much to get so very little. Good deals come only to those who won't settle for less.

I guess I took what is mine and walked away from him. I don't really want him back, I am just so very very sad for the good things that went away with the bad. And so disappointed. And angry at myself for being so stupid. And still in love. He was an inspiration to me and apart from the bad experiences I also learned a lot from him and from our relationship.
My mum came to visit me over the weekend, and there are some good friends who keep me going, even though everyone is pretty busy. I got a hug from my yoga teacher that I didn't expect. And sometimes I go to a park and pet the ponies they have there.
Getting love and support is also one of my lifelong projects, my family belong to the type of people you learn to avoid later. My dad is the kind of man who will always set a bad example and who treats people like crap, he's not in my life anymore. I hate having to shut people out, but seems like this is what I am doing right now.
Feeling your pain, Rose, and hugs to you as well. I hope you find freedom and love for yourself. Don't beat yourself up.
love

You're not stupid at all. (Neither was I.) We didn't fully understand the trade-off we were making. At age 26, you have learned a lot. It's normal to grieve. People do recover from grief. It can be a full recovery. First step is letting go of what is gone. Sounds like you are managing to do that.

Well today I just so ANGRY. I was reminded of him always being able to have such a good time while I was hurting. How he was always able to ignore my feelings and walk right over them. A part of me wants to shout mean things into his face. Ough I'm angry. I hope he hits his toe on a piece of furniture at least once a day.

It's normal to alternate between sadness and anger after a breakup

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THIS!

I've been out there, but nobody is showing interest. Looks like mid-west women are going cougar and hunting for the 20'somethings.

I live in the Midwest. I know many women. Don't know anyone who is going cougar and hunting for much younger men. You might be searching in wrong circles. Look for classier women. Stir away from trash and you will have much better luck. There is no deficit in nice women in my surrounding

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i am so happy for you actually breaking up with person and staying broken up even with all the phone calls and texts, that is a big accomplishment!!! keep up the good work and good luck

Having a moment of despair here... I find it hard to talk about my feelings with people right now and stay by myself a lot. The pain is really bad, so I am glad I have an outlet here. Heartbreak is all I can feel right now.
I go out and try to keep myself active, and I know I have a couple of "real" friends, but right now I feel alone and sad.
I am so desperate inside, and I realized I keep up the strong fassade because people often become so helpless when I am helpless, and I can't take it. Even in my therapy group or with my mother I can't really talk. I tried, but the results were pretty disappointing. So I have to be the strong one. I often got out more crushed than I was before, if that is even possible, when I tried to talk about my feelings and about how hard things really are for me. In my weak moments I have nowhere to go to, so I just stay at home and knit much of the time. It is a sh*#tload right now

I would hit "Thanks" for your comment ten times if that were possible, avlady. the affirmation feels incredibly good at this point

You are doing very well and we are all rooting for you! You are awesome

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Definitely, we are all rooting for you!


I have been following this thread from the start, although haven't replied before now because it seemed all was being said by other posters, and I didn't want to be a parrot.


The current development has made me step in though, I know what its like to need and receive that pat on the back at the right moment.


So here's my pat: You're doing an awesome job, it takes alot of strength to stick to your guns the way you've been doing, and I commend you for it, I acknowledge it, and even though I don't know you from Adam, I am honestly damn proud of you for it.


Be proud of yourself, because as much as this hurts you right now, you are doing what's best for you, and that, is HUGE.

I tried multiple times getting out of a bad relationship when I was about your age. The guy would wait 5 weeks and then show up on my doorstep. I would go weak in the knees and be back involved. I'ld feel happy at first. Eventually, I would be miserable and want out again. He had become like an addiction to me. I could end it and be strong for a few weeks. Then I would get vulnerable. How he came up with the 5 week interval of leaving me alone, then showing up again, I don't know. But it kept working for him. Finally, I moveone hundred miles away, and that worked.

So I know this is a hard time for you. The bad memories sometimes fade faster than the good memories. Eventually, it does get easier and easier. Someday, after you meet someone new, you'll start forgetting a lot. Eventually, I could not even remember the guy's birthday.

Thank you. I really really hope it will get easier. Right now, every day is still hard. My back hurts, I feel lonely and still angry. He tells everyone we both know that I broke his heart. He complains to me how everyone is so inconsiderate and that nobody cares about him, and when he broke down at my doorstep and yelled in my hallway again last week, I still made sure he was okay. Everyone we both know is worried about him, and he still complains that he doesn't get any attention from anyone. None of these folks ever asks if I am ok, he is the poor guy and I am the mean b**** who broke his heart. Everything he texted or told me when he had the chance made me mad. I cannot even go home from my yoga class because he waited there for me once and now every time I hope he isn't there again.

I don't want to feel so angry and sad and helpless and lost. I want to be myself again. And I don't want to feel like I could never trust a guy again, like I am screwed up for life, like my broken family history has made me a complete wreck which not even therapy can fix or heal. I want this pain to go away

OK, I lost it. Getting it together now with some soup and a cup of tea. Thank you guys for your support here. I cannot express enough how much each and every response on this thread has helped me. Big hugs to you all

Be kind to yourself, you're heart has taken a beating and you need some TLC.

Soup is a good start, what of long shower or long bubble baths, favourite movies, anything, you find comforting.

Think of it like giving yourself a mental and emotional hug.

I hugged myself with lots of comedy, bubble baths and books after a brutal break up.

Take care of you