How do you forgive?

Aren't they still helping you? Did they say they will stop? Or that they don't care?

And addiction is illness too. Not only effecting an addict but the whole family. Plus he has HIV he is or about to become ill. Didn't you say he had stroke too? He is ill. Sure he could seek help for his addiction earlier on but it's probably too late. It's tough. I feel for all of you.

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Try to look at the whole picture and listen to/see what those who would try to help you have to say. Your online counsellor seems to have some good ideas.

They are still helping me a little, but it's not enough. I'm just scraping by living check to check and I'm only able to pay the minimum on my credit cards, which is basically interest. So yes, I'm grateful for the money help, but they're whole attitude towards me is that they don't care or want to hear anything bad going on in my life. They don't want to hear that I'm still sick or struggling. So I have to pretend nothing is wrong with me, which makes me mad because you shouldn't have to pretend around your parents.

They're not afraid of him committing suicide. They're helping him to keep the secret so no one thinks badly of them. It's always been about how people would view them. Everything they've ever done in their lives has always been about how the outside world sees them.

Yes, he had a stroke that he caused himself. He had syphilis and never went to the doctor. The doctor told my parents all he would have needed was two weeks of antibiotics and he would have been fine, but untreated syphilis can cause a stroke. Even now he's never admitted he has a problem. Even when the hospital labs showed he had drugs in his system when he came in one time, he still denied using drugs. That's been his problem his whole life. He's never admitted he had a problem and used my parents as an ATM machine whenever he got into trouble.

My online therapist has good ideas, but you can't push someone or get mad at them because they're not healing as fast as you want them to.

That you need your parents support is inarguable. I have neglected to ask if you have in fact been cut off financially.. I realise just how anxious and sickening the worry over finances can be; how that worry can consume one's entire life. You have my understanding there.

But this goes far deeper than that. The money issue you may see as the problem but there is more I think at the heart of it. It sounds to me like that is what the counsellor is trying to tackle. I myself would like to see you treat this as at least two seperate problems - issues which need to be dealt with individually. Try to remove the money from the equation. What is wrong there? What do you expect from your family and what can you do in turn. Similarly then consider the money issue. What do you expect from your family and what can you do in return.

I can only imagine the fear you have regarding the money and the resentment you have regarding your brother. By the way, I don't think it is necessarily you who should be the one doing the forgiving. But sometimes it takes a gentle good offering on our part to make the change we want to see.

Taking money out of the equation, I'd always hoped my parents would say they love me or that they're proud of me or act like they care at all about me. I've never once heard those words from either of them my entire life. My parents are both very unaffectionate, insensitive people and my dad is emotionally abusive. My therapist says I need to accept the fact that I'll never get the love or affection I want from my parents and to stop expecting them to care. I'm grateful for the money, but writing a check once a month doesn't replace not feeling loved or cared for emotionally.

Putting the money back in the equation, no, they haven't cut me off because I'm still going over there. My parents don't do things for their children to be nice or because they care. There's always a selfish agenda. They paid for my brothers rent and utilities for 6 years while he lived in Atlanta so they could keep him away and so they could keep up the lie to their friends that their son is in Atlanta working. For me, all they care about is that I come over and see them. They don't care if I'm happy. They only care that I come over so they can again, keep up the lie to their friends that they have a daughter who comes to see them every week and pretend they're one big happy family. My parents live in a fantasy world. They're in the situation they're in with my brother because they were in denial for years. They would actually yell at me if I tried to tell them the truth. They'd rather believe the lies.

I guess the forgiveness part is me thinking if I can forgive them, I won't be angry anymore. They say forgiveness isn't for the person who hurt you, it's for you so you can move on. I just don't know how easy that's going to be.

At some point we have to accept that our parents are who they are and we can't change them. My family does a lot of pretending too and I can't share with them either. Mine are in a fantasy world too. I can't worry or think about it too much though as I have to live my life.

You don't need to forgive but being angry and preoccupied with your parents and their lives might be detrimental to your well being. As adults you might need to move on with our lives. Unfortunately many People have horrible families yet life has to go on. That's why therapy might be helpful. It helped me.

I believe you can stop being angry without forgiving. I think One option is accepting reality and focusing on your own life.

Can you follow bankruptcy? My BF had to file. He is fine now and is back on his feet. I want to avoid bankruptcy so I work two jobs. Talk to a financial adviser about your options. Is any of the debt students loan? That's the only debt you must pay no matter what, the rest could be gone

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I guess if their decisions didn't affect my life, I wouldn't care what they did. But I'm over here with a lot of health problems that are costing me a lot of money, and they'd rather throw their money down the toilet by giving it to a drug addict who lies to them. And since I'm the only child left, I"ll be the one who has to take care of my parents when they get too old. So I'm feeling a little bitter about having to help people who pretty much have kicked me to the curb all my life.

I filed bankruptcy once in my early 30's, and it worked because I didn't own anything for them to take away. But now I own a car that I just bought last year, so I can't risk losing that. Plus, I don't want it on my credit for another 10 years. I'd be almost 60 by the time it came off. One of my debts is a student loan. The rest are credit cards, a bank loan and a car loan. I would get a part-time job if I could, but my health won't let me.

My t is pissing me off right now. Now she says she doesn't want me talking about my parents or my brother at all anymore and to only talk about myself and what I'm going to do to change things. I already told her what my plans are for finding another apartment with a W/D and to keep applying for new jobs, but I feel like she doesn't believe me. I told her I don't feel like she thinks I"m trying or that I'm really as sick as I am. I'm preoccupied with my parents right now because I need more money and it's upsetting to know they'd rather help a lying drug addict than their sick child. I feel like I'm doing the best that I can to get thru every day, but no one believes me. I'm trying to focus on my life, but it's hard to move forward when you're sick and you have bills piling up and you can't pay them down. I'm too sick to go out and make new friends, so most weekends I"m at home alone. I've been working on craft projects, but now I can't afford more supplies until I get paid again next week.

I feel like my t isn't going to be happy with anything I do unless I totally cut my family off like she wants me to. I can't afford to do that. I thought therapists were supposed to help you learn how to deal with challenges in life, not get mad at you because you're not doing what they want you to.

If your parents refuse to help you can't really force them. If finding another job isn't doable and you are too ill to get another job then maybe bankruptcy is a solution.

I am surprised it takes 10 years to overcome bankruptcy. My BF filed bankruptcy 5 years ago and he was able to purchase new car that he financed with the same interest as me who never had bankruptcy, he also has credit cards etc his credit didn't take that long to build up, maybe too 5 years? And he actually lost a house.
Maybe it's different in other states

You can call your loan company ( is it federal loan?) and ask for deferral due to financial hardship, they will work with you. You can also work with them on reducing monthly payments. Is it consolidated ( it's not always a good idea).

You might not need w/d in apartment. If you can't carry heavy items then maybe separate in smaller piles? I can't carry nothing heavy.

How about finding a roommate?

Your t shouldn't be getting mad but she should encourage you to make changes

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Yes, it depends on the state laws. I filed Chapter 7 about 15 years ago. At the time I didn't own anything and got $5000 as a wild card to use to keep something. I used it on my car at the time because that's all it was worth. It stayed on my credit report for 10 years. I'm afraid if I file now, they'll take my car since it's worth more than the $5000. I also just looked up the laws in NC for exemptions and they only allow $3,500 for a car. They'd take mine for sure. Plus, I'm not behind on any payments, I can only just pay the minimum, which is basically paying interest and not bringing the balance down. It also costs $200 to file, which I don't have.

My student loan is federal and I already consolidated it and had the payments lowered a couple years ago. I'll check on financial hardship.

With the laundry, I take my whole laundry basket to my parents. So I'm carrying it up and down stairs and walking to my car.

I'd rather not have a roommate for several reasons. My health is very delicate right now, so I treasure the quiet time I have alone. I also don't always have the energy to clean or cook, so I don't want to burden someone with limitations.

She's getting mad because I keep talking about my parents and my brother. She wants me to focus on my life, but I don't have a life. I work, come home and sleep. Inbetween I worry about money and look for another job. So I don't know what she wants me to do. I don't know how to stop being angry or bitter towards my parents for helping a drug addict instead of me. I feel stuck. Maybe therapy isn't for me since I'm in a strange situation.

Sometimes push comes to shove and choices have to be made, about 12 years ago I got into a new car and the shyt hit the fan and I could not afford it. I skipped as many payments as could and saved every penny I could, about 4 months later I returned the car. I had enough for a old beat up car, No working AC and I lived in Florida at the time AND it had black vinyl sets,, Gahhh !! but it was all mine.

The repo car screwed my credit big time, But I had no choice. I went with out TV for over 5 years. I had the cheapest cell phone... think back when you paid for minutes, I got a phone with maybe 100 mins a month for like 28.00 a month. I didnt eat out for months at a time. My Daughters needs came before mine. She ate well, I got really use to rice and beans. Basically I cut out everything that I could.. Washer broke I did laundry in the bathtub for months and months.. Total suckage!!!

But I managed.

I think your T is right that you need to stop the anger about a situation you have no control over , accept that they are still helping you, Maybe make peace with your brother, he is most likely going to die before you. You might regret not being on decent terms when his end comes.

Your parents just aren't loveable supportive hugging types. Lots of people suck at being a parent.. I see this stuff all over PC in most every forum, very sad. I have my own baggage from my Mother.

Im not being mean. But personally I think if you focus on reducing your stress its going to help improve your health issues. Stress is huge and is horrible for the mind body and soul.

I hope your able to find some peace with this situation.

My stress won't be reduced until I get another job that pays more money. My stress is coming from lack of money to pay down my debts. I could take my parents out of the equation altogether and my stress would still be very high. They just add to the stress I already have by throwing it in my face that they know I'm sick and broke, but don't care. My problem isn't that my parents aren't huggy or loving. I've accepted that they're cold, uncompassionate people. I know I can't force them to help me more than they already are, but when my health keeps failing due to stress and not having the money to take care of my health, and they know that and could help me, but are choosing not to, that I'm having trouble getting over.

I'm already cutting out everything I can. I never go out, I never go to movies. I stay home almost every weekend. I have a lot of food allergies, so I can't go cheap on food. My prescriptions cost about $200 a month and I can't go any cheaper. I'm allergic to a lot of fillers, so they have to be compounded. I'm doing all I can, but I have a lot of limitations because of my health.

I've made peace with my brother in my mind. My anger isn't towards him. He's a vegetable right now, so there's no point in talking to him. He's a stranger to me. He's never been a brother, so I won't have any regrets when he goes.

Why even have children at all if you don't care about anyone but yourself?

I also can only pay minimum on my debt and I actually work two jobs and I make decent income. But we took pay cut, which resulted in huge financial loss for me. It is stressful. I agree. My finances cause me major anxiety. There is like no way out of it. My issue isn't even caused by low income but by my own bad money management

Since you have college degree ( you have student loans) can you get better paid job?

Since you don't go anywhere on the weekend and just stay home could you look for a weekend job that is undemanding and not too stressful? Even few hours here and there for minimum wages would get you few hundreds a month? I understand about health condition and not working two jobs. But just few hours?


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The problem with it being hard to find another job is that my current skills are outdated. I've been a graphic designer for 20 years (that's what the student loan is from) I've been stuck in jobs where I wasn't given the opportunity to learn new skills and did mainly print design. Most graphic design jobs now want you to not only do print design, but also web design and web programming. It's also a very competitive field, so for every job I'm applying for, they're getting at least 200 or more resumes. Companies nowadays don't want to hire people they have to train. When they're looking at resumes, they also only want to see actual work experience, not just that you took a class in something. So that's been the challenge. The college degree alone doesn't help. Since I've been doing this for 20 years, it's all that's on my resume, so it would be hard to switch careers.

One of the health issues I face is that my blood pressure drops after I've been standing for more than 15 minutes. That's why I can't work in retail, even for a few hours, because I literally can't stand that long. I'd be passed out after an hour. I've responded to several freelance design jobs online, but haven't received any responses yet.

So last night I started looking at articles online for what makes a bad therapist, because no matter if my therapist is right or not, I feel like something hasn't been right, and now I know why. Two red flags I read about fit her. One was not giving praise when the patient has a breakthrough or does something that was hard. Recently I ended a 10 year friendship with someone because I finally got tired of her abuse and judgments of me. Walking away from her was hard for me. I guess growing up in an abusive home, I felt like I had to put up with bad behavior from people in order to have friends. But recent events have woken me up and now I realize that I have other friends who treat me a lot better and I don't need her or the other people from that group who always felt like it was ok to treat me badly. But my therapist never praised me for it. Last week this ex friend unfriended me on FB, so I mentioned it to my t. I mentioned that I never feel like she gives me credit for the good things I do and that she just keeps harping on what I'm not doing. She was like, why are you bringing it up, that was over with. That was all she said. No mention of why she doesn't praise me. The article said another red flag is that a t should never get mad at you even when you get mad at her. It should be a safe place for you to lose your temper or get upset and the t should never make you feel bad about it since therapy is very hard. Well, my t just lashed back at me yesterday telling me I was being manipulative and playing games with her and that she won't tolerate that behavior and won't tolerate me getting mad at her. WTF?? I wasn't being manipulative or playing games. She constantly tells me she's not judging me, that she's just reflecting what I'm saying to her. That's such B.S. She IS judging me and getting mad because I'm not doing what she says when she says it. All my life I've been shut down by family and friends whenever I have spoken my mind or gotten mad at someone. I've never been allowed to have my own feelings, and this t is making me feel like I do around everyone who's been abusive to me. I don't feel safe around this t now. I feel like if I stay with her, I'll have to walk on eggshells and be careful about what I say to her or she'll blow up at me. That's not going to help me learn to stand up for myself to feel afraid to speak my mind around yet another person. At least one good thing about online therapy, I don't have to face her, I just have to click the link that says change therapists or cancel the whole thing. The thought of starting all over again seems so daunting to me right now. I don't know if I'm ready for that.

I mean, she's getting mad at me because it's been 3 months and I'm not making the progress she thinks I should be. Really?? I've been screwed up for over 30 years and was abused most of my life, and she thinks I should be cured after only 3 months??? I HAVE made progress, but she's not praising me for the steps I have made along the way. It's the same feeling I used to have in high school with my dad. He never praised me when I got good grades, all he did was yell and scream and call me stupid when I got bad grades. If you never praise someone, how do you expect them to ever feel good about themselves?

Surviving bankruptcy. It's 7yrs here that it is on your record, but after 1 year you can get credit again - not that you should.

There came a time I could no longer manage my debt and had to declare. It was the best thing I ever did as it overnight took away a huge amount of anxiety that was consuming my life. It hasn't been easy. I have no tv and use the library a lot. I have an old rickety car for summer and rely on my two feet and bus for winter. I just had to remind myself that certain things were not a 'right' and that I had no choice but to do without them. I don't live in a pretty apartment either. But I am getting by. I stress that I have realised I am not owed anything, nor are finer things a right.

Only you are responsible for your finances. This is something that was really hard for me to accept. I had a great deal of anger towards my ex husband for leaving me high ad dry. By I had to accept it was up to me to fend for myself.

I really don't think your therapist sounds bad at all. SHe seems to be doing her job.

In NC if you file Chapter 7 it's on your record for 10 years. Seven years if you file Chapter 13.

I'm not at the point where I need to file. I can still pay the minimum every month. I filed last time because I had lost my job and had to use my credit cards to pay rent and buy food (my parents would not allow me to move back home). So I got behind and finally got tired of the collectors calling day and night.

I disagree with you on my therapist. I don't feel a therapist should be judgmental or get mad because I'm not healing on her schedule or tell me what I can and can't talk about in a session. I'm paying to have someone to talk to about my issues and feelings. If she won't allow me to do that freely, then she's not doing her job.

I'm going to say something here that you don't wish to hear. Neither may it be the opinion of others here.

I agree with what your therapist is saying. You've wagged the financial card to the point I/she has given up. You have got to let it go. Sure, do what you can to stay in your parents' good books but you've got to move on from this issue and address the others in your life.

I realize I have hurt you here but this had to be said.

You haven't hurt me because I disagree with you. All the issues in my life can only be fixed right now with more money. This is the only issue I have in my life. Not having enough money to be financially independent and take care of my health is my only issue. Everything else in my life is fine. I got rid of my toxic friends, I have plenty of great friends.

So I guess if this is the only issue I have and no one wants to let me talk about it anymore, then I don't need a therapist and I definitely don't need a therapist who's disrespectful to me.

Sometimes we do need to listen to others even if it feels like tough love or that they are pushy or judgmental . When my t told me to stay away from dating and Men for a year I was like why is she telling me that? Of course I didn't listen and it was disaster after disaster! I laugh at it now that I wished I listened!

Sometimes listening to others is what we need if we are unable to make wise choices ourselves.


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I"m not saying I"m not willing to listen to my t. What I'm saying is I disagree with her getting mad at me because I'm not healing according to her schedule (3 months of therapy after a lifetime of abuse) and that she never praises me for any accomplishments I do. All she does is harp on what I'm not doing and the negative. How does that help? That's just as abusive to me as what my dad did to me growing up.

The main issues I needed help with WERE with my family and a bad group of friends I had. I got rid of the friends and got no praise from her at all. My only other issue is with my family, but she no longer wants me to talk about them. So what's the point in continuing therapy then if she won't let me talk about what I need to?

I guess my understanding of what a therapist is for was wrong. I thought it was someone you paid to talk about anything that was on your mind that you didn't feel you could talk to friends or family about or if you just wanted an objective listener and someone to talk thru things with. I thought it was a safe, non-judgmental environment where you could say anything without being afraid of that person yelling at you or getting mad at you. If I wanted that reaction and to feel like I always had to walk on eggshells and watch what I said, I would have stayed with my toxic friends. So maybe therapy isn't for me.

Yelling is unacceptable. If she yells at you, you might want to report her. I wouldn't pay for someone to yell at me.

Saying that it really depends what you in therapy for. If you just want to talk then I would let t know in the beginning. If you want strategies and help with how to improve your life then it's a different story.

Therapy is whatever you want it to be

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I guess it's hard to tell yelling in emails unless they use all caps, but her email came across as very harsh and insensitive to me, telling me what I can and can't talk about. Her attitude is basically you do what I tell you or I'm going to get mad at you. I really do think because she works on a military base, her attitude is very black and white. You can't be that way, and especially with someone who was emotionally abused and has low self esteem, to get mad at them because you're not following their "orders".

My goals changed from the beginning to now and I have communicated with her what I'd like to see happen, but now she's getting mad that I'm not suddenly cured after 3 whole months. I'm to the point where I don't even want to open up her emails because they just cause me stress.

I thought therapy was what you wanted it to be, but with her, I feel like it's her way or the highway.

It's quite possible she has identified areas in your life that perhaps should be worked on first. She may think they are at the root of those that lay on the surface. That she is as adamant as you say she is about what she wants to concentrate on supports this.