[Komfortable]

Have you surrounded your heart with concrete walls?

A woman I have begun to fall in love with has very thick walls built up. I haven't quite figured out why, but she is good at keeping a calculated distance. It is terrifying. I'm scared that she will never love me, or at some point she will get too scared and run off.

Has anyone ever taken the time to break down your walls? How did they go about it? What would you suggest for someone in my position?

She has my heart. All I want is for her to let me in. Just a little.

[CANDC]

Sorry for the challenging relationship you face. Sometimes it is easier to love someone that is well fortified. But Love is not a battering ram, love is a nightingale that woos your love out of her fortress.

How long has this been going on?

[Arwen_78]

Originally Posted by CANDC

Sorry for the challenging relationship you face. Sometimes it is easier to love someone that is well fortified. But Love is not a battering ram, love is a nightingale that woos your love out of her fortress.

How long has this been going on?

I agree, still are you good friends?

I think being friends a a good step in any relationship

[I'm Worth It]

Originally Posted by Komfortable

Have you surrounded your heart with concrete walls?

A woman I have begun to fall in love with has very thick walls built up. I haven't quite figured out why, but she is good at keeping a calculated distance. It is terrifying. I'm scared that she will never love me, or at some point she will get too scared and run off.

Has anyone ever taken the time to break down your walls? How did they go about it? What would you suggest for someone in my position?

She has my heart. All I want is for her to let me in. Just a little.

You need to be sure that you don't give her the feeling that you are "hanging onto" her. You will need to keep neediness/clinginess in check for quite some time. I suspect that she will pull away at times (on top of the existing distancing). And, when she does, let her have the space and just let her know you are there for her if she needs you. Don't try to question her or criticize or complain. Observe what happens when she "comes back". Does she share what's been going on in her head during that time? Is she still shut down?

She will only let you in when she is comfortable and knows you well enough. It is important for you to observe what else is going on in her life. Is her life fairly well ordered? Are there things looming over her? And, if possible, try to find out what her past relationships were like, how and why they ended. And, her relationship with family members/childhood. Delve into these things casually and lightly.

It is a process not an event that will require a ton of patience and understanding on your part.

[Komfortable]

You're awesome. Really.

I know I can be clingy, it's my nature. I dive in, I fall fast and hard. I'm going to be better about giving her space, as I know she needs it. We talked about that early on.

She does have a lot going on in her life; family hospitalization, personal chronic pain issues, and a complicated set of past relationships. One of her ex's is in prison and was physically abusive with her. I am a total departure from her past relationships.

I'm going to back off and let her initiate contact for a while. I'm scared to do it, because I'm afraid she will lose interest, but I also know that if I'm too needy she will get fed up and everything will come to a grinding halt. I guess I just have to trust that if she wants to continue this, she will.

I'm curious to hear other opinions, and I'd really appreciate first-hand accounts from people who have been through this, from either side.

[Komfortable]

Originally Posted by CANDC

Sorry for the challenging relationship you face. Sometimes it is easier to love someone that is well fortified. But Love is not a battering ram, love is a nightingale that woos your love out of her fortress.

How long has this been going on?

Been going on since the beginning of August.

Wise words, my friend. Thank you.

[Komfortable]

Originally Posted by Arwen_78

I agree, still are you good friends?

I think being friends a a good step in any relationship

We became friends quickly. She has confided in me to the extent that when I look at where things are now and look back at our first week and how much she trusted me, it's very surprising. Knowing as much as I do about how guarded she is makes me wonder why she told me so many deep secrets initially.

I thought hard about this last night, and I think part of why she is so guarded could be because, honestly, we made a VERY deep connection immediately and I think it scared her to be so vulnerable. I watched her pull away, it was very evident.

Our interactions are strange. In person, when it's just the two of us, she is affectionate (which is not typical of her, according to her sister) and very happy. Daily, though, as we text back and forth, she is distant, cold, easily annoyed. More reason for me to let her initiate contact.

[I'm Worth It]

Originally Posted by Komfortable

You're awesome. Really.

I know I can be clingy, it's my nature. I dive in, I fall fast and hard. I'm going to be better about giving her space, as I know she needs it. We talked about that early on.

She does have a lot going on in her life; family hospitalization, personal chronic pain issues, and a complicated set of past relationships. One of her ex's is in prison and was physically abusive with her. I am a total departure from her past relationships.

I'm going to back off and let her initiate contact for a while. I'm scared to do it, because I'm afraid she will lose interest, but I also know that if I'm too needy she will get fed up and everything will come to a grinding halt. I guess I just have to trust that if she wants to continue this, she will.

I'm curious to hear other opinions, and I'd really appreciate first-hand accounts from people who have been through this, from either side.

A call and/or a text once a week is not needy or clingy. Needy and/or clingy would be a bunch of calls/texts in a row if she doesn't answer right away.
If you don't initiate some, she will think you're not interested enough. Call her/text her and guage her responsiveness. If she's responsive and seems enthusuastic, go with that. If she seems to not be talkative or responding slowly or briefly, back off a little bit. It's about balance.

I have and am currently in a long term relationship with someone who is emotionally "stunted"/has a fear of intimacy. I have handled the situation the way I've described to you my two posts. It has taken us a year to really get down to the "nitty gritty" but there has been enough for me to keep moving forward with him.

You need to take care of yourself during this time first and foremost so as to keep your own emotions and expectations in check which in turn will "help" her come out more for you if she does want that.

I'm sure you understand where she is in her head since she has been abused. Trust and safety will be paramount to her ability to be a good partner to anyone.

A call and/or a text once a week is not needy or clingy -- And,if she is moody or thinks even that is clingy/needy, etc. then there is something else going on with her or maybe she just hates talking on the phone and texting. Some people don't really like that very much anyway. You could inquire about that in a casual, light way.

[Arwen_78]

Originally Posted by Komfortable

We became friends quickly. She has confided in me to the extent that when I look at where things are now and look back at our first week and how much she trusted me, it's very surprising. Knowing as much as I do about how guarded she is makes me wonder why she told me so many deep secrets initially.

I thought hard about this last night, and I think part of why she is so guarded could be because, honestly, we made a VERY deep connection immediately and I think it scared her to be so vulnerable. I watched her pull away, it was very evident.

Our interactions are strange. In person, when it's just the two of us, she is affectionate (which is not typical of her, according to her sister) and very happy. Daily, though, as we text back and forth, she is distant, cold, easily annoyed. More reason for me to let her initiate contact.

In the early days of my current relationship I had a bad problem with scared of hurting the guy I with now. I use to tell him things like "I don't deserve this", "I should break this off as I don't mind hurting myself but I don't want to hurt you" and the likes.

I had just gotten out of a 8 year marriage that when I look back I was verbally abused by my ex husband. The man didn't actually love me but at least he loved me enough to let me go. I don't want to go into the full story as it has nothing to do with the point.

The thing was I had two plans in my head at the time. Plan a) was that I would work my butt off for a few years. Once I got enough money I would return to the UK, my ex was from England. Plan b) was to have fun and see what else was out there.

I joined match.com and met my current BF. It was a fast connection once we met in person. Almost "love at first sight" but I wanted to do whatever I could to stop myself from jumping right in. In a month we saw ourselves as best friends, two months in I was living with him and now we have a little girl together. It was a rocky first few years, mostly on my part, but he stuck it out. I'm so lucky to have him and to have had a second chance to have a nice relationship.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[jaymoq]

You've gotten some great advice. But, have you told her any of this? You are telling us, strangers on the internet. And, I can understand that need for unbiased feedback. But, we can only speculate what will be the right move for you and her. You need to be honest with her. She might not be ready for anything serious, but backing off doesn't make you any LESS serious. If she isn't read, then she isn't ready. It isn't YOUR fault that you are.

I have some serious walls I've put up. So does my fiance. We often can struggle because of this. We dated for 6 months and he never even indicated he thought about me outside of our visits. So, I finally wrote my feelings down on a piece of paper and left it for him. He found it, read it, and low-and-behold he'd been feeling the same way.

I'm not going to give you false hope and say that is how things are going to go. But I know as someone that has a VERY tough time opening up to anyone, sometimes honesty and communication is the best step.

The worst that can happen is she is not ready. And, if she isn't, do you really want to wait and wait until she is? And, if so, at least you're realistic with her. If you withdraw, back off, or otherwise remain silent on things, that isn't going to help. My fiance tells me that all the time. I will withdraw or react to these trivial things because I am SO scared to get attached to anything. And he will get aggravated and tell me "I'm not a mind reader". And it takes THAT happening for me to realize that I am reacting to scenarios I THINK might happen.

Again, your situation could be ENTIRELY different. But, just be straight with her. Maybe write it down in an email or letter. Let her process it. Let her reply in her own time. But don't be so intimidated or afraid to upset her that you stop being YOURSELF and being honest.

Best of luck! I am a hopeless romantic myself and fall HARD. I literally moved IN with a guy before we'd ever said "I love you". That was crazy to me, because I was saying it in my head daily. He didn't indicate he loved me until I opened up with him and he admitted he'd felt the same way for MONTHS. Had I opened up earlier on, maybe he would have opened up in turn.

Life is so confusing. There is no one right answer. The ONLY right answer that is true is honesty.

[Komfortable]

Originally Posted by I'm Worth It

A call and/or a text once a week is not needy or clingy. Needy and/or clingy would be a bunch of calls/texts in a row if she doesn't answer right away.
If you don't initiate some, she will think you're not interested enough. Call her/text her and guage her responsiveness. If she's responsive and seems enthusuastic, go with that. If she seems to not be talkative or responding slowly or briefly, back off a little bit. It's about balance.

I have and am currently in a long term relationship with someone who is emotionally "stunted"/has a fear of intimacy. I have handled the situation the way I've described to you my two posts. It has taken us a year to really get down to the "nitty gritty" but there has been enough for me to keep moving forward with him.

You need to take care of yourself during this time first and foremost so as to keep your own emotions and expectations in check which in turn will "help" her come out more for you if she does want that.

I'm sure you understand where she is in her head since she has been abused. Trust and safety will be paramount to her ability to be a good partner to anyone.

A call and/or a text once a week is not needy or clingy -- And,if she is moody or thinks even that is clingy/needy, etc. then there is something else going on with her or maybe she just hates talking on the phone and texting. Some people don't really like that very much anyway. You could inquire about that in a casual, light way.

We text daily, and call rarely. I'm very thankful for your feedback. It has really eased my mind.

If I don't hear from her after I text, I just leave it alone and let her do her thing. I'm not a creeper, lol. (Step one in the "how to be a creeper" handbook, deny being a creeper, lol! (I crack me up))

You must have a ton of patience; I'm not sure I could handle a year of being shut out like this. A few months, sure, but let me in just a little. I guess she has. She leans on me for "adult" decisions and has told me that she needs me. Though I'm not sure if it's because of the age gap or because she truly needs my help.

[I'm Worth It]

Originally Posted by Komfortable

We text daily, and call rarely. I'm very thankful for your feedback. It has really eased my mind.

If I don't hear from her after I text, I just leave it alone and let her do her thing. I'm not a creeper, lol. (Step one in the "how to be a creeper" handbook, deny being a creeper, lol! (I crack me up))

You must have a ton of patience; I'm not sure I could handle a year of being shut out like this. A few months, sure, but let me in just a little. I guess she has. She leans on me for "adult" decisions and has told me that she needs me. Though I'm not sure if it's because of the age gap or because she truly needs my help.

I do have patience and some professional experience with these situations which is the only reason I would have gone down the road this far with him. And, he has not completely shut me out for the past year either. There have been enough periods where he's felt comfortable enough to share with me on a very deep level, so I know he's capable of that. If there had been no "indicators" of that, I would have been gone a long time ago. There is no guarantee ever no matter how much you know or understand. The fact is that these people are the way they are for way longer than we have known them and, for me at least, longer that I will ever know him likely. I'm 56, he's 62. All we, you and I can do, is take it one day at a time, take care of ourselves, be understanding and a source of trust, stability, and security for them and for ourselves and let them take what they need as they are ready.

And, when I say, let them take what they need, that doesn't mean that they just take without giving either. We could very easily be walked on by these kinds of people as well. But, for sure, in the early days, you will be giving much more than they give you. At some point, you do need to ask for something from them. They don't get a free ride.

As somebody who has defenses more secure than the pentagon, I can tell you from experience that the best way to get her to open up to you would be to be patient with her and start off as friends for awhile before entering a relationship.

Also it would help to reassure her that you will accept her no matter what and that she shouldn't fear judgement from you. Don't just say it though, actually mean it and be ready to have an open mind and accept any fault she may confess to you in the future.

Finally, be kind, considerate, and love her unconditionally even if you all remain only friends.

It would take awhile to build trust with somebody as damaged as the girl or myself and the only way to really get past the defenses of somebody who is truly damaged is to overwhelm them with love no matter how annoyed or angry her defenses may make you. If you aren't ready to stick it out with her long term and love her no matter what, then it would be best to quit while you're ahead.

[Komfortable]

Originally Posted by jaymoq

I am a hopeless romantic myself and fall HARD.

I was saying it in my head daily.

Life is so confusing.

I cherry-picked your post to tell you that this is EXACTLY where I am. I fall fast, I fall hard. I've been telling her "I love you" in my head for a couple of weeks, and once out loud on one of the rare occasions she fell asleep with her head on my chest.

You are correct, I have gotten the best feedback I could ever hope for. Thank you all so very much for sharing with me. I really need this support.

I'm not going to tell her yet how I feel about how stressful this is to me. It's too much right now. Im sure it will drive her away.

[I'm Worth It]

Originally Posted by Komfortable

I cherry-picked your post to tell you that this is EXACTLY where I am. I fall fast, I fall hard. I've been telling her "I love you" in my head for a couple of weeks, and once out loud on one of the rare occasions she fell asleep with her head on my chest.

You are correct, I have gotten the best feedback I could ever hope for. Thank you all so very much for sharing with me. I really need this support.

I'm not going to tell her yet how I feel about how stressful this is to me. It's too much right now. Im sure it will drive her away.

Komfortable: You need to step back some right now and breathe I didn't ask or see anywhere how long you've known her. How long have you known her?

[Komfortable]

Originally Posted by I'm Worth It

All we, you and I can do, is take it one day at a time, take care of ourselves, be understanding and a source of trust, stability, and security for them and for ourselves and let them take what they need as they are ready.

And, when I say, let them take what they need, that doesn't mean that they just take without giving either. We could very easily be walked on by these kinds of people as well. But, for sure, in the early days, you will be giving much more than they give you. At some point, you do need to ask for something from them. They don't get a free ride.

It's hard for me to offer her any stability and security, as I am Bipolar and am pretty unstable myself. I doubt, I worry, I question, I'm impulsive, I withdraw when I'm depressed. Trust, however, I can offer her. Like I said earlier, I am here 100%, no judgement.

I have come to the realization that I will be giving much more than I get. It's a position I've never been in. I've always been on the receiving end of the relationship, so this will be a huge adjustment. For both of us. She has told me that she isn't used to being taken care of emotionally and that it will be difficult for her. I'm the type that opens doors and wants to care for a woman when she is in need. She is very independent, likely out if necessity.

[Komfortable]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

As somebody who has defenses more secure than the pentagon, I can tell you from experience that the best way to get her to open up to you would be to be patient with her and start off as friends for awhile before entering a relationship.

Also it would help to reassure her that you will accept her no matter what and that she shouldn't fear judgement from you. Don't just say it though, actually mean it and be ready to have an open mind and accept any fault she may confess to you in the future.

Finally, be kind, considerate, and love her unconditionally even if you all remain only friends.

If you aren't ready to stick it out with her long term and love her no matter what, then it would be best to quit while you're ahead.

I'm ready for a fight, if she is. I'm not scared of her baggage, nor is she of mine. I just don't know if she is ready to out in the work to make this successful, of if she would rather cut and run and go back to the type of men she is used to. This is a fairly damaged individual (but aren't we all), but I love her and all her flaws.

How do I tell her "I'm willing to fight for this" without scaring her off? I sense that commitment this early is a real deal-breaker.

[Komfortable]

Originally Posted by I'm Worth It

Komfortable: You need to step back some right now and breathe I didn't ask or see anywhere how long you've known her. How long have you known her?

Answered above, but I'm happy to answer again, though I think you may think I'm crazy for being this deep at this point...

We met August 1st this year. So 19 days.

It all happened very fast. For both of us. But now we are here; I'm scared to lose someone for whom I've fallen so deeply, and she is scared we are moving way too fast. I agree with her, and we have slowed things way down. I haven't even seen her in a week, party because of circumstances beyond our control.

Originally Posted by Komfortable

I'm ready for a fight, if she is. I'm not scared of her baggage, nor is she of mine. I just don't know if she is ready to out in the work to make this successful, of if she would rather cut and run and go back to the type of men she is used to. This is a fairly damaged individual (but aren't we all), but I love her and all her flaws.

How do I tell her "I'm willing to fight for this" without scaring her off? I sense that commitment this early is a real deal-breaker.

It might be wise to trust your instinct here and just continue to be there for her and earn her trust. Going all in early on would likely scare her off.

Gradually prove your love over time. Show her that you love her by doing and saying small kind things and being there for her even if she doesn't seem to need it. Start off small and increase as time goes by.

She might be closed off and act independent, but sometimes, people like us are often crying inside our head and wanting to be understood when we push somebody away or shut somebody out, yet we're afraid to let you in. Keep being there for her and offering her support.

Keep showing her love and your actions will prove that you are there for the long haul.

Sorry I couldn't be more of a help

[Komfortable]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

It might be wise to trust your instinct here and just continue to be there for her and earn her trust. Going all in early on would likely scare her off.

Gradually prove your love over time. Show her that you love her by doing and saying small kind things and being there for her even if she doesn't seem to need it. Start off small and increase as time goes by.

She might be closed off and act independent, but sometimes, people like us are often crying inside our head and wanting to be understood when we push somebody away or shut somebody out, yet we're afraid to let you in. Keep being there for her and offering her support.

Keep showing her love and your actions will prove that you are there for the long haul.

Sorry I couldn't be more of a help

You've been immensely helpful. You all have. I'll just keep chugging along, I suppose. Carefully.

Slow and steady seems like the right plan.

[Komfortable]

This is the only indication she gives me that I am doing anything right, or that she has any interest in "us." She needed help making a "grown up" decision earler and after she explained what she needed, this is what I got. These melt me. Just wanted to share that tiny validation from this morning.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Komfortable

Have you surrounded your heart with concrete walls?

A woman I have begun to fall in love with has very thick walls built up. I haven't quite figured out why, but she is good at keeping a calculated distance. It is terrifying. I'm scared that she will never love me, or at some point she will get too scared and run off.

Has anyone ever taken the time to break down your walls? How did they go about it? What would you suggest for someone in my position?

She has my heart. All I want is for her to let me in. Just a little.

If you're not even with this person yet, I am not honestly sure it should be as much work as you're saying here. I mean if she had walls up after you were together, I'd be all for working on tearing them down but honestly? find someone that is ready for a relationship and wanting that with you and pursue them. there are far too many people out there for you to waste your days trying to break through to a heart that is keeping you at arm's length.

[I'm Worth It]

Originally Posted by Komfortable

Answered above, but I'm happy to answer again, though I think you may think I'm crazy for being this deep at this point...

We met August 1st this year. So 19 days.

It all happened very fast. For both of us. But now we are here; I'm scared to lose someone for whom I've fallen so deeply, and she is scared we are moving way too fast. I agree with her, and we have slowed things way down. I haven't even seen her in a week, party because of circumstances beyond our control.

I don't think you are crazy However, you say you are BiPolar. Please be wary of the highs you ride . . . they are usually even higher than "non-polarized" people ride and the lows are really, really low. You will be experiencing an emotional roller coaster with her anyway so that coupled with the other stuff, is going to be harder.

[Komfortable]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

If you're not even with this person yet, I am not honestly sure it should be as much work as you're saying here. I mean if she had walls up after you were together, I'd be all for working on tearing them down but honestly? find someone that is ready for a relationship and wanting that with you and pursue them. there are far too many people out there for you to waste your days trying to break through to a heart that is keeping you at arm's length.

It's worth it to me. Aside from the walls, she is everything I'm looking for and then some. I know that this is an uphill battle, but at some point it's got to get better. This will be worth it in the end, I'm sure of it.

Originally Posted by Komfortable

It's worth it to me. Aside from the walls, she is everything I'm looking for and then some. I know that this is an uphill battle, but at some point it's got to get better. This will be worth it in the end, I'm sure of it.

It sounds like she may be worth fighting for. I wish you well with this!

Consider yourself lucky to be needed by somebody. I wish that I had somebody in my life to tell me that but all of my friends are strong independent types that claim they don't "need" anybody but want me because of random reasons lol

In fact, none of my male friends can even hold a relationship and they all have mental issues. Crazy attracts crazy I guess haha